Feeling lost

[Goodluf]

So I hear writing things down can help with your issues if talking to people isn't your thing, so I'm gonna share a bit about my supposedly sucky life.

I have lately (read: a few years) just been feeling really uncaring and well, numb generally. It's like I find no joy in my life anymore. I feel my incompetence and lack of doing anything about these problems have just depressed me completely and I feel like nothing is worth doing anymore. More detailing wall of text incoming.

For example, I'm 20-years-old, soon 21 and I have never dated a girl. I have never had much confidence in anything I do, mostly because I don't want to fail. Infact the feeling of not wanting to fail and not wanting to be ridiculed for doing something wrong have seriously hurt so many things in my life, not been able to get a girlfriend being one of them. I'm kinda starting to give up on that front... Also, I find it difficult to start doing something new/unfamiliar to me, because I'm just scared I mess up or make a fool of myself. This just leads me to sticking to whatever old and familiar habits I have and not trying really anything new. I suppose you can say I take myself too seriously, which is true, I'm very self-conscious of what I do or say around people. I'm always assessing whether I just said or did something stupid or weird. Doubting myself has really just lead to me feeling really stupid all the time and I don't want to feel stupid, I'm quite intelligent, really...or so I atleast though at some point.

Also, looking at how seemingly well my friends that I have known for years have done in their lives, many with girlfriends or going to good universitys far away from where I am and just looking so confident, I can't help but feel left behind and inferior, which I hate. You couldn't see it up front, but I am/have been a proud fellow. Not being able to hold myself up to the standards and hopes I and the society at large have imposed on me have really put me down. Also, I was a late bloomer so to speak, maturing quite late compared to others, so I feel I have almost completely missed the normal "teenage years". I have always been quite mild tempered and shy, so my entire life has been the same steady, flat line onwards. Already I can feel I may have missed on the so called "best years of ones life".

...On the other hand, what's the point in fixing any of that anyway. I just feel so insignificant in comparison to the rest of the world, it's not like anything I do will have any meaningful effect. I find it difficult think of a reason to keep going on through the rest of my likefully boring life anymore. You know, get some profession, get a job, (wife/kids), die of old age. It's so, so boring and meaningless. Why can't there be more to life?! Why is the world such a lousy place?

Btw, this attitude is kinda the source of my all-around apathy, I can't find a reason to do anything about this. So I just mope around every day, dragging myself through day after day of ultimately meaningless lectures and lessons, watching anime and playing video games in an ultimately useless effort to distract myself from all the suck and---aagh, I could go on.

BUT, you know what is funny?! I know how goddamn insignificant my problems are in the end. I mean, I have atleast an opportunity to choose whatever I want to educate myself until I'm old if I so please. I have a high quality of life and I'm not exactly broke on money right now, so what's the problem, right? I have all the tools to make my life meaningful, it's up to me right?! Damn stupid whining on my part, eh? On one hand I feel just all anxious inside and it's killing me, on the other I'm just a sad person for rolling in my self-loathing and doubts for little problems. This conflicting shit can't be good on my mental health or something...some of my friends have infact said that I worry too much. I don't know about that...

TL; DR Me emoing/loathing myself as usual, feeling left out, and so on.

So, anybody have similar experiences or maybe have suggestions on how to find my motivation again/ reason to keep going?

 

[Falconsgyre]

These problems aren't all that uncommon. You show some symptoms of depression[footnote]Disclaimer: I am not a licensed psychiatrist or mental health professional. The extent of my qualifications are 1) having taken a course in Abnormal Psychology and 2) having been diagnosed myself with major depression.[/footnote], so you may or may not want to see a therapist. A therapist can give you far better advice than anyone on the internet will.

All I can really do is say two things:

1) You will fail, probably a lot. This doesn't mean you suck. It's just a fact about the world. Everyone, except for a blessed few, fail. You will screw up and make a fool of yourself. You will have to cope with being afraid. Every time you try something new, you will be terrible at it at first. This is a fact of life. But that doesn't mean you can't improve. If you never try, it'll be even worse in the long run, because you will stay bad at doing things. It's hard, sometimes almost impossible, to get up the energy to try and work at life. But you have to do it anyway if you want to feel better; the surest way to stay depressed is to do nothing about it. And drugs[footnote]As in prescription anti-depressants, of course.[/footnote] can help a lot in this regard if you are depressed. Counseling almost always helps, as long as you can find someone you feel you can open up to.

2) Insignificant is not unimportant. In the long run, nothing we do matters, and we're all dead. This does not matter, because you do not live for the future. You live for you and for now. Find something you enjoy doing and do it. Find people you enjoy and make friends with them, or hang out with the ones you have more. Happiness is found not by sitting around and wondering how to be happy, but getting out into the world and doing something meaningful to you. You have to stop doubting and do something. Sitting around and mulling over it usually just makes it worse.

If you really feel like you can't overcome your self doubts and your worries, then like I said, you may have depression. In which case, you need to get help because this will screw you over if you don't. Try to find someone who does cognitive behavioral therapy [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy] because this is one of the few techniques shown to actually have better efficacy at eliminating depression than just talking.

By the way, as a personal example: I feel nervous about posting this because I could be utterly wrong. Someone might come up in a few minutes and point out why my advice is bullshit. Or it might just be completely ignored, and I'll feel terrible because this implies I have nothing worthwhile to say. I'm going to post this anyway, because if my advice does help, I feel it's worth the risk of looking dumb.

 

[Erana]

Why date for the sake of dating? If you find someone possibly compatable, be a gentileman and give it a go. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. The idea that the amount of time one spends in relationships is directly proportional to a person's value is a farce society buys into because we're fixated on sex and romcoms.

Also, who gives a damn about what others have accomplished? The only progress of importance is what you're capable of. My mother's recently had knee surgery and for her, its a dramatic improvement to bend her knee to 90 degrees.

And the average lifespan of humanity is how many decades? And have you taken a good look at the people who claim that the teens are the best times of their lives? I have yet to meet one person who has made such a claim that I have had the vaguest intellectual interest in. (Barring debilitating health issues) There is so much time for so much to be done, and one is physically quite capable for years and years after college. There's nothing stopping you from living your best years at 40.

You're acting like your life is over, like some sort of judgement has been passed, and you've failed because you are, at worst, average. Has the world come to an end as a result of your current state of being? I can answer that for you- No. Yes, you have to apply a sense of value to life by yourself, but that is best achieved by doing something you feel proud of.

Stop condemning yourself all the time! There's nothing wrong with you. And stop right there! I know you're going to take that and turn "There's nothing wrong with you" into, "Then why don't I do more" or some other bullshit.
That kind of thinking is what's stopping you from living. Become aware of it, and do away with it. Its not going to save orphans or stop global warming, and there's cosmic deity or whatever is going to take delight in your psychological self-defeat.

Just stop it. Everything's fine.
Go find something that gives you a sense of accomplishment and do it. If that doesn't make you feel better, then you should go get psychological help and check for physical problems that could attribute to this feeling. (Regular eating, sleeping, good nutrition and hygiene, get tested for hormone levels and other issues that can be found by blood screens, etc. )

 

[Goodluf]

These problems aren't all that uncommon. You show some symptoms of depression[footnote]Disclaimer: I am not a licensed psychiatrist or mental health professional. The extent of my qualifications are 1) having taken a course in Abnormal Psychology and 2) having been diagnosed myself with major depression.[/footnote], so you may or may not want to see a therapist. A therapist can give you far better advice than anyone on the internet will.

All I can really do is say two things:

1) You will fail, probably a lot. This doesn't mean you suck. It's just a fact about the world. Everyone, except for a blessed few, fail. You will screw up and make a fool of yourself. You will have to cope with being afraid. Every time you try something new, you will be terrible at it at first. This is a fact of life. But that doesn't mean you can't improve. If you never try, it'll be even worse in the long run, because you will stay bad at doing things. It's hard, sometimes almost impossible, to get up the energy to try and work at life. But you have to do it anyway if you want to feel better; the surest way to stay depressed is to do nothing about it. And drugs[footnote]As in prescription anti-depressants, of course.[/footnote] can help a lot in this regard if you are depressed. Counseling almost always helps, as long as you can find someone you feel you can open up to.

2) Insignificant is not unimportant. In the long run, nothing we do matters, and we're all dead. This does not matter, because you do not live for the future. You live for you and for now. Find something you enjoy doing and do it. Find people you enjoy and make friends with them, or hang out with the ones you have more. Happiness is found not by sitting around and wondering how to be happy, but getting out into the world and doing something meaningful to you. You have to stop doubting and do something. Sitting around and mulling over it usually just makes it worse.

If you really feel like you can't overcome your self doubts and your worries, then like I said, you may have depression. In which case, you need to get help because this will screw you over if you don't. Try to find someone who does cognitive behavioral therapy [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy] because this is one of the few techniques shown to actually have better efficacy at eliminating depression than just talking.


By the way, as a personal example: I feel nervous about posting this because I could be utterly wrong. Someone might come up in a few minutes and point out why my advice is bullshit. Or it might just be completely ignored, and I'll feel terrible because this implies I have nothing worthwhile to say. I'm going to post this anyway, because if my advice does help, I feel it's worth the risk of looking dumb.

Heh, I wrote this before I went to sleep and now, in the morning come back to it to see an actual reply, I really didn't think people would bother to answer.

To summarise an answer: I now that people in general will always fail atleast one, no one is infallible, I really do, or atleast I'm aware of it in some level. And I know that not even trying is basicly the same as failing. I keep trying to hammer it into my head, but it just doesn't register as a meaningful thing or something.

Also, about therapy and medication: it just feels really difficult to cross that line and go ask for professional help. I don't really feel my case would be worth their time. It's also a cultural trait that almost every man here gets, which is that you don't speak ones mind about your every little problem, that's weak and stuff.

PS: I was nervous about making this thread at all, I spend atleast half an hour trying to sort everything I wrote into a understandable text. Everything you say is good advice, just not sure if it really can work with me. I mean, I can't express every single thing about myself in text, so people would understand everything what's wrong. I'm not sure if I myself realize all that goes inside my head.

 

[Goodluf]

good stuff

Oh hey, another reply.

Yeah, I guess that looked like I emphasised getting a girlfriend a lot. I mean, I know it's pointless to try and do that for the sake of doing it, so atleast you don't find me in bars every night throwing myself at every girl that said one nice word at me, not that pathetic...yet. My current "strategy" seems to be, wait and see if anything nice comes this way (which it hasn't, propably because I'm too thick to see it), and not really taking an active stance and making the first move. I just can't physically make myself do it.

Also, I'm quite sure none of my friends really know how hard I'm on myself. I still have a lingering feeling/desire of being the best, something I got in primary school, where I really was better that the rest of the class (ugh, arrogant much?). But, those delusiong have gone. So when I come in contact with the fact that I'm really just average, I just bash myself for it, that I should do better, I should be better than this. But that doesn't help at all, now does it?

And the average lifespan of humanity is how many decades? And have you taken a good look at the people who claim that the teens are the best times of their lives? I have yet to meet one person who has made such a claim that I have had the vaguest intellectual interest in. (Barring debilitating health issues) There is so much time for so much to be done, and one is physically quite capable for years and years after college. There's nothing stopping you from living your best years at 40.

To clarify on this, my problem on this thing stems suprisingly much from the fact at our socety put's great emphasis on performance, more than many other nation, no matter how much they try to deny it. So, we are being told from the start that you must do well in school, get into a good university and so on, or else you will utterly fail at life, nobody will hire you, and you spend your life as some social service hobo or something. Got to keep that PISA-rating up, eh?
Not that sure where the "your life will be just downhill after hitting 20" or something comes from, it just is the dominant mindset here and I'm very aware of it.

And I get it, I should really just do something that makes me feel good about myself...But what is it? I can't come up with a single thing. I can't come up with I single thing I'm good at anymore. Just, average, plain average...Take note, for me doing something I feel good about means doing something I will be really good at. I guess I just want to feel better than the others atleast on something, anything. And that right there is quite arrogant of me.

Look for my first quote on the thread for other answers.

But anyway, thanks for replying, it really helps to actually see that people have nice things to say, even to complete strangers how come and whine here.

 

[Nickolai77]

And I get it, I should really just do something that makes me feel good about myself...But what is it? I can't come up with a single thing. I can't come up with I single thing I'm good at anymore. Just, average, plain average...Take note, for me doing something I feel good about means doing something I will be really good at. I guess I just want to feel better than the others atleast on something, anything. And that right there is quite arrogant of me.

Find a hobby of sorts, whatever it may be, and do that. You've got plenty of time to get good at it and it will give you a source of pride and self-confidence. Plus, it could be a way of meeting new friends. Also, since i guess your not going into higher education, find a job. It will make you feel useful, you can make new friends through that. And if you have enough friends and go out on socials then that makes it more likely that you'll find a girlfriend.

 

[Erana]

To clarify on this, my problem on this thing stems suprisingly much from the fact at our socety put's great emphasis on performance, more than many other nation, no matter how much they try to deny it. So, we are being told from the start that you must do well in school, get into a good university and so on, or else you will utterly fail at life, nobody will hire you, and you spend your life as some social service hobo or something. Got to keep that PISA-rating up, eh?
Not that sure where the "your life will be just downhill after hitting 20" or something comes from, it just is the dominant mindset here and I'm very aware of it.

And I get it, I should really just do something that makes me feel good about myself...But what is it? I can't come up with a single thing. I can't come up with I single thing I'm good at anymore. Just, average, plain average...Take note, for me doing something I feel good about means doing something I will be really good at. I guess I just want to feel better than the others atleast on something, anything. And that right there is quite arrogant of me.

Look for my first quote on the thread for other answers.

But anyway, thanks for replying, it really helps to actually see that people have nice things to say, even to complete strangers how come and whine here.

If its affecting you in this way, then you're beyond "Very aware" and into unhealthy. Yes, in our society this feeling does exist to some degree, but its just some pointless social figment. If its keeping you from self respect, then this social mindset can go fuck itself. Its simply not important.

I also have to point out that that's not the expectation for everybody. That's the expectation for the top-percentile type students. Some college education alone would make a person better educated than the majority of the world, and a good part of North America too.

As for things that make you feel good about yourself-
Well, it can honestly be the little things. When we're stuck in repetitve tedium with no apparent end in sight, we tend to feel a little lost. Even something as simple as cooking a full-course meal, or learning a new song on an instrument... If your interests are not easily available right now, pick up a new hobby.
When was the last time you did a productive task that you were able to complete in its entirety, and to your satisfaction? I find that, short of some passionate mission, people need these sorts of things.
And for some reason, video games simply cannot deliver on this matter. Seems odd, as we're drawn by a series of completed tasks.

And what compelled you to belittle your feelings by calling this thread "Whining"?

 

[Goodluf]

Find a hobby of sorts, whatever it may be, and do that. You've got plenty of time to get good at it and it will give you a source of pride and self-confidence. Plus, it could be a way of meeting new friends. Also, since i guess your not going into higher education, find a job. It will make you feel useful, you can make new friends through that. And if you have enough friends and go out on socials then that makes it more likely that you'll find a girlfriend.

I guess I could find some hobby, but say I might be interested in martial arts of some kind, but I'm really skinny and all around weak. I know for a fact that I'll never be much of a strong guy, didn't get the right genes for that I suppose. There are some things a gym workout wont help. Got to find something...less intensive I guess.

Yeah, I guess I should have been more clear on that one too. I'm infact studying at my local university of applied sciences, which is in my home town. I have basicly lived my entire life here and happened to get in only to this place where I'm studying now. All my older friends have gone to proper universitys all around the country, so I have felt a bit lonely.

Sure I got some new friend here, but they are more of the "go to a bar and get drunk/wild party" type of people when it comes to "socializing" after school, which I'm not comfortable with (the getting drunk, not the people, they are good guys). Not sure if I would find a girl I like that way. I'm still on high school education, which doesn't really help getting any "better" jobs that require a specialisation in some craft, so I kinda had to study more.

 

[Goodluf]

snip

If its affecting you in this way, then you're beyond "Very aware" and into unhealthy. Yes, in our society this feeling does exist to some degree, but its just some pointless social figment. If its keeping you from self respect, then this social mindset can go fuck itself. Its simply not important.

I also have to point out that that's not the expectation for everybody. That's the expectation for the top-percentile type students. Some college education alone would make a person better educated than the majority of the world, and a good part of North America too.

As for things that make you feel good about yourself-
Well, it can honestly be the little things. When we're stuck in repetitve tedium with no apparent end in sight, we tend to feel a little lost. Even something as simple as cooking a full-course meal, or learning a new song on an instrument... If your interests are not easily available right now, pick up a new hobby.
When was the last time you did a productive task that you were able to complete in its entirety, and to your satisfaction? I find that, short of some passionate mission, people need these sorts of things.
And for some reason, video games simply cannot deliver on this matter. Seems odd, as we're drawn by a series of completed tasks.

And what compelled you to belittle your feelings by calling this thread "Whining"?

What I was trying to say was that it's more of the way the entire country (Finland) sees it. It's been quite widely discussed here how we push our children to work hard to do better, how it is hammered into us, and how it affects their(our) mental wellbeing (not good). There are news every now and then how young people these days are not cared for enough, how their mental health isn't taken into consideration enough, in schools and so on. Not sure where it started, you would have to ask someone of the older generation about that.

I know I shouldn't take everything I'm told so personally. It's just how I am, I take things to heart very easily, be it good or bad things, but the critizism/negative traits are easier to remember.

I also get it, I should take more pride in the little things I manage to do, if I can't do that then how can I appreciate anything. I'm really trying to cheer myself, but this wait! This is another trait I have picked up living here: it is a national trait to downplay your success so you don't look like an arrogant prick. Humble is the word of the day, every day. There is even a "law" for this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jante_Law

And as I think I have tried to explain, it comes to being taught from the beginning not to spill your heart out to people all the time, it is seen as awkward and rude. Nobody wants to really hear about other peoples every problem. Then there's me being shy and not wanting to bother others too much, so I try to undermine every problem I have, so it wouldn't be taken so seriously. That's not a good thing, is it now...

Also, all this just shows how I try to rationalize every single damn thing about myself and others. I need a reason for why everything happens, so I might find a solution or something, which isn't plausible always anyway.

 

[Nickolai77]

Find a hobby of sorts, whatever it may be, and do that. You've got plenty of time to get good at it and it will give you a source of pride and self-confidence. Plus, it could be a way of meeting new friends. Also, since i guess your not going into higher education, find a job. It will make you feel useful, you can make new friends through that. And if you have enough friends and go out on socials then that makes it more likely that you'll find a girlfriend.

I guess I could find some hobby, but say I might be interested in martial arts of some kind, but I'm really skinny and all around weak. I know for a fact that I'll never be much of a strong guy, didn't get the right genes for that I suppose. There are some things a gym workout wont help. Got to find something...less intensive I guess.

Yeah, I guess I should have been more clear on that one too. I'm infact studying at my local university of applied sciences, which is in my home town. I have basicly lived my entire life here and happened to get in only to this place where I'm studying now. All my older friends have gone to proper universitys all around the country, so I have felt a bit lonely.

Sure I got some new friend here, but they are more of the "go to a bar and get drunk/wild party" type of people when it comes to "socializing" after school, which I'm not comfortable with (the getting drunk, not the people, they are good guys). Not sure if I would find a girl I like that way. I'm still on high school education, which doesn't really help getting any "better" jobs that require a specialisation in some craft, so I kinda had to study more.

In UK colleges you can do a foundation course which would then in turn allow you to get into a university, would it be possible to work your way into university from where you are now?

Also, you don't need to be physically strong to do martial arts, it's all about technique.

 

[Goodluf]

snip

more snip

In UK colleges you can do a foundation course which would then in turn allow you to get into a university, would it be possible to work your way into university from where you are now?

Also, you don't need to be physically strong to do martial arts, it's all about technique.

Doesn't ring a bell here about the course. What I do know that I can graduate this place in four years and do a higher level education in two years, or so our counselor said. Anyway, it's just that I have already invested a year in the place I study now, would feel a bit silly to just drop out now and apply for another place. You know, time and money. Might as well see this thing through. I mean, I can't really think what other field would be any more interesting than the one I'm studying now. Not that this one is my dream field of education or anything, but it's good enough.

Never been too confident about my own strenght so that has stopped me from doing anything too physical, I mean I barely managed to complete my mandatory military service last year, that wasn't pleasant...but I still did it, heh! Maybe I should consider some martial arts, summer holidays are starting after all...

Anyway, thanks for bothering to reply, I think I feel a bit better now, well not as miserable when I started this thread anyway. That's something.

 

[Goodluf]

I've been diagnosed with depression (severe enough to have resulted in my attempted suicide twice) and an intense, completely crippling anxiety disorder.

If you wanna talk to someone, I feel as though my experiences may be able to help you reflect and understand your own situation.

Hey there. As I haven't bothered going to a professional for reasons mentioned above, only thing I got is is my own estimate, which is that I'm depressed all the time. It has been going on for long enough, that I consider it to be my normal state, heh. And you can see what my normal state is from the posts above. Not bad enough to try suicide though (yet). I have thought about it a few times, but I have managed to pull myself away from those thoughs so far. My mindset now is more like, if something would happen that leads to me dying, I'm ok with that, doesn't bother me. Dying wouldn't be so bad.

I can still interact with people sorta normally, but anytime I need to, say speak infront of many people, even if I know them all, well, it isn't easy. Anything where I need to perform really or affect other people. Though I'm clearly worrying about things so much that it hurts my basic functions as a normal person. I mean I know why I'm like this (mostly) and I've got basic advice on how to change that, all I need is to actually do something, and not just brood on it, as I usually do. I don't know.

Thanks for the offer, though.

 

[Goodluf]

stuff

my stuff

I'd advise you act sooner rather than latter.

I didn't. I ended up being carried to hospital in a near coma by my father as my mother screamed and cried. All I remember from that night is my mum's voice telling me she loved me over and over. Spent a while in the emergency ward, then went to intensive care, then to a mental ward.

Now I've gotten help, but rarely if ever leave the house due to intense fear of being seen by others (and judged, laughed at, pointed at, etc., etc.).

Trust me. Act before you, like me, find getting out of bed to get breakfast too big of a chore.

Yeah, I know that it can get bad if you let it. I will keep that in mind. I still have friends I can talk to (must keep reminding myself, I seem to forget that alot). I can still walk out and stroll around the town without feeling others judging me just by me being there. It's the social situations where my shortcomings hurt me.

Also, It's not like I actively seek out situations I can get hurt bad, it's just sometimes I get a thought, hey, wouldn't it be...how to say this, interesting, to jump of this roof or try to run through the highway. BUT, those thoughts are suppressed quickly. I pride myself for having a rather good self-control. One of the few things I can be proud off. Though I seem to be on overdrive on that, as I just deny myself things that might be fun, just for the fear of something unpleasant happening, or something (like dating, getting drunk and so on).

Good for you for getting through all that alive and sane, it shows how resilient a human being can be. Maybe people aren't as fragile as I think they are.

 

[Goodluf]

stuff

Very sorry for harking on, but I urge you, please seek help. My self-harm (cutting, burning, stabbing, picking, scratching, falling over) all started with me simply bumping into things or letting something hit me. Most every thing you've said is like a mirror of my life slightly in the past.

You really, really, really don't want to end up where I am and where I was.

You will regret it for the rest of your life if you do not seek help now. I honestly go to sleep crying every night. I've written so many suicide notes I could open a recycling plant. I'd do almost anything to go back in time and get help before I did.

It's alright, I see you are passionate about this thing and I get what you are saying. I really do. It's admirable that you can care about a strangers problems, although I get that the seemingly similar situations help you understand. I have cried myself to sleep on few occations, I can admit that.

Also, what you have been through and what I could become, honestly scare me. I get the feeling of wanting to go back, if I had the chance I would try to do so many things differently and try not to mess up so bad. But still...I can't imagine my situation getting any worse right now, I feel like this is the rock bottom, and the only way is up. Or so I atleast hope. We'll see.

All I can say right now is that I'll think about it, and thank's for the input, I really didn't imagine people responding to this so much. And also, thanks for caring. I really feel better now, for now.

 

[Zantos]

First thing I'd say is don't sweat the small stuff. So you haven't had a girlfriend at 20. I'm 21 and have only had casual girlfriends (liked being with them but knew it wasn't going to last) while plenty of my friends are off having kids and getting married. It can go on my to do list.

If you're feeling things strain then go talk to someone. I've been in counselling a few times now and it's really helped me get through the rubbish and big up the good stuff. It just takes that spark of self-confidence to get some good friends, meet a nice girl, do well in work or education and before you know you're a million miles away from where you started.

 

[Falconsgyre]

Heh, I wrote this before I went to sleep and now, in the morning come back to it to see an actual reply, I really didn't think people would bother to answer.

To summarise an answer: I now that people in general will always fail atleast one, no one is infallible, I really do, or atleast I'm aware of it in some level. And I know that not even trying is basicly the same as failing. I keep trying to hammer it into my head, but it just doesn't register as a meaningful thing or something.

Also, about therapy and medication: it just feels really difficult to cross that line and go ask for professional help. I don't really feel my case would be worth their time. It's also a cultural trait that almost every man here gets, which is that you don't speak ones mind about your every little problem, that's weak and stuff.

PS: I was nervous about making this thread at all, I spend atleast half an hour trying to sort everything I wrote into a understandable text. Everything you say is good advice, just not sure if it really can work with me. I mean, I can't express every single thing about myself in text, so people would understand everything what's wrong. I'm not sure if I myself realize all that goes inside my head.

I was going to advise you to seek professional help again, but it turns out someone's already done that a lot. Anyway, instead of going the doom and gloom route, I'll just say that anti-depressants are absolutely wonderful. Unless you're actually writing suicide notes and making plans right now, you're probably good for the short term, so "thinking about it" is really all anyone can ask of you in terms of seeking counseling. But if you just feel like you don't have energy or can't enjoy anything, then anti-depressants usually help you feel better and more confident. You don't even need to see a counselor for this; your family physician can prescribe them. Though I would say to go see a psychiatrist specifically, because the wrong anti-depressant can have negative effects (e.g. Zoloft made me sleep 12 hours a day and skip half my classes, but Wellbutrin gave me energy to actually do crap).

 

[zeldagirl]

Also, about therapy and medication: it just feels really difficult to cross that line and go ask for professional help. I don't really feel my case would be worth their time. It's also a cultural trait that almost every man here gets, which is that you don't speak ones mind about your every little problem, that's weak and stuff.

PS: I was nervous about making this thread at all, I spend atleast half an hour trying to sort everything I wrote into a understandable text. Everything you say is good advice, just not sure if it really can work with me. I mean, I can't express every single thing about myself in text, so people would understand everything what's wrong. I'm not sure if I myself realize all that goes inside my head.

Would you perhaps feel more comfortable finding a close friend or mentor to confide in, if anyone is available. You're right, you're taking great steps in writing this all out here on this forum, but perhaps there is someone personal you can speak with first about these issues. There are also anonymous helplines for situations like this that you can call - often talking with someone, hearing their voice, can really help you.

I hope things look up. Know that you can PM me if you want to talk more in-depth about this.

 

[Goodluf]

my stuff

I was going to advise you to seek professional help again, but it turns out someone's already done that a lot. Anyway, instead of going the doom and gloom route, I'll just say that anti-depressants are absolutely wonderful. Unless you're actually writing suicide notes and making plans right now, you're probably good for the short term, so "thinking about it" is really all anyone can ask of you in terms of seeking counseling. But if you just feel like you don't have energy or can't enjoy anything, then anti-depressants usually help you feel better and more confident. You don't even need to see a counselor for this; your family physician can prescribe them. Though I would say to go see a psychiatrist specifically, because the wrong anti-depressant can have negative effects (e.g. Zoloft made me sleep 12 hours a day and skip half my classes, but Wellbutrin gave me energy to actually do crap).

my stuff

Would you perhaps feel more comfortable finding a close friend or mentor to confide in, if anyone is available. You're right, you're taking great steps in writing this all out here on this forum, but perhaps there is someone personal you can speak with first about these issues. There are also anonymous helplines for situations like this that you can call - often talking with someone, hearing their voice, can really help you.

I hope things look up. Know that you can PM me if you want to talk more in-depth about this.

To answer to you both at the same time: If I were to choose between seeking professional help or just getting anti-depressants, I think I'll go the counseling route first. There are propably some great medicine that can make me feel all nice and fuzzy all around, but pills aren't really the solution here. They just suppress the thoughts and "bad" emotions, not really solving much in the long term. Or that's how I think.

Also, I'm not really familiar with the concept of a family physician, all I can do here is propably call and reserve a time with some local psychiatrist, which would lead to therapy anyway. Not so sure how easily you can just go and tell a doctor that you aren't feeling well and they will just prescribe pills, they will propably reserve a time with a shrink again.

Anyway, as I have said earlier here, I'm not doing bad enough to try and actively harm myself. If it goes that way, me or someone close to me would do something about it, I think.

Thanks for contributing and caring, again. It helps surprisingly much to see people give advice and such, even if it is just in text.

 

[zombiesinc]

For example, I'm 20-years-old, soon 21 and I have never dated a girl. I have never had much confidence in anything I do, mostly because I don't want to fail. Infact the feeling of not wanting to fail and not wanting to be ridiculed for doing something wrong have seriously hurt so many things in my life, not been able to get a girlfriend being one of them. I'm kinda starting to give up on that front... Also, I find it difficult to start doing something new/unfamiliar to me, because I'm just scared I mess up or make a fool of myself. This just leads me to sticking to whatever old and familiar habits I have and not trying really anything new. I suppose you can say I take myself too seriously, which is true, I'm very self-conscious of what I do or say around people. I'm always assessing whether I just said or did something stupid or weird. Doubting myself has really just lead to me feeling really stupid all the time and I don't want to feel stupid, I'm quite intelligent, really...or so I atleast though at some point.

The thing with dating is if you've never dated, you can't honestly blame it entirely on yourself or a lack of confidence/fear of heartbreak/etc. Although insecurity and confidence issues will always make it difficult for someone to do anything outside of their comfort zone, you should also realize that there are other reasons beyond you that will always be a factor when it comes to noticing others, dating, and so on. I'm sure you've noticed girls before, and been attracted to several, but if you were genuinely and extremely interested in a person, you'd find it that much easier to push yourself to actually do something. If there are mutual feelings, then things like insecurity and a lack of confidence won't generally be enough to simply stop that from ever happening. So, although those are things you should work on (for yourself more importantly), they aren't the entire reason you may not have dated a girl before. Having said that, it's not an issue that you haven't dated someone. Sure others have, and at younger ages, but that doesn't somehow mean you've done things wrong, or you're any less of a person. When it's right, it'll happen, period. Other times it'll happen as well, and if they're just not right enough, little things like insecurity may stop it. What I'm getting at is, although they're important, they're not what's most important. You will date, so try to avoid focusing on it too much, and simply focus on what's more immediate in your life.

Also, looking at how seemingly well my friends that I have known for years have done in their lives, many with girlfriends or going to good universitys far away from where I am and just looking so confident, I can't help but feel left behind and inferior, which I hate. You couldn't see it up front, but I am/have been a proud fellow. Not being able to hold myself up to the standards and hopes I and the society at large have imposed on me have really put me down. Also, I was a late bloomer so to speak, maturing quite late compared to others, so I feel I have almost completely missed the normal "teenage years". I have always been quite mild tempered and shy, so my entire life has been the same steady, flat line onwards. Already I can feel I may have missed on the so called "best years of ones life".

It takes times to get past allowing social norms to affect you in a negative way, but you'll get past it eventually. In the meantime just remind yourself that it simply isn't fair to hold yourself up to any standards that you haven't set for yourself. Do your best to avoid allowing any standards that have been imposed on you affect you in any way other than positive. As for your friends, who cares. If they matured faster than you, that's beyond everyone, so there's no point in allowing yourself to take that in a negative way. Them going to different schools or having more experience with dating doesn't mean they're better than you. You need to believe that, otherwise you'll find that these things bring you down. As for the "best years of ones life"... no. The best years of a person's life happens at different times for different people. Some people will look back on their teenage years and think that, while others will think the absolute opposite. Some will enjoy the years they spent in school, while others will enjoy the first few years of a new career. Others will enjoy the years they were with their first love, while others will loathe them. The point is that there is no specific amount of years in anyone's life that should feel a certain way. There isn't a specific time in your life where you have to do a certain thing, or have experienced something. Everyone's different, simple as that. Again, the sooner you recognize, accept and believe in that, the sooner you can stop focusing on what you don't like in your life and rather focus on what's truly important. I can't tell you specifically what's truly important, but in general terms it's your overall happiness, which can be found by working towards a career, finding "the one", creating a family, building a home, finding those hobbies you enjoy most in life, travelling, etc. It varies for everyone. It's not important that you experience the same things as others, and in the same way. What's important is experiencing life, enjoying it, and having a sense of purpose.

...On the other hand, what's the point in fixing any of that anyway. I just feel so insignificant in comparison to the rest of the world, it's not like anything I do will have any meaningful effect. I find it difficult think of a reason to keep going on through the rest of my likefully boring life anymore. You know, get some profession, get a job, (wife/kids), die of old age. It's so, so boring and meaningless. Why can't there be more to life?! Why is the world such a lousy place?

Btw, this attitude is kinda the source of my all-around apathy, I can't find a reason to do anything about this. So I just mope around every day, dragging myself through day after day of ultimately meaningless lectures and lessons, watching anime and playing video games in an ultimately useless effort to distract myself from all the suck and---aagh, I could go on.

At this point it's obvious you're less interested... or rather focused on getting past this, and more focused on how nothing's worth it. It's at this point I'd suggest talking to a professional. That's not to say you're clinically depressed, or have anything serious enough that needs to be addressed though. I'm saying that talking to someone will give you a better idea of where you are mentally, and what you can do to help get past this apathy. You've mentioned that you have a difficult time expressing yourself, and that you think a psychologist/psychiatrist may have better things to do. I can understand where you're coming from regarding the former, but you're absolutely incorrect on the latter. They're there to listen, period. There certainly are those out there that are coping with different things that will affect their life far more regularly and severely than some levels of depression, but that doesn't make any one person less important than another.

BUT, you know what is funny?! I know how goddamn insignificant my problems are in the end. I mean, I have atleast an opportunity to choose whatever I want to educate myself until I'm old if I so please. I have a high quality of life and I'm not exactly broke on money right now, so what's the problem, right? I have all the tools to make my life meaningful, it's up to me right?! Damn stupid whining on my part, eh? On one hand I feel just all anxious inside and it's killing me, on the other I'm just a sad person for rolling in my self-loathing and doubts for little problems. This conflicting shit can't be good on my mental health or something...some of my friends have infact said that I worry too much. I don't know about that...

These sort of thoughts need to stop. You can't tell yourself that what you're struggling with is insignificant or wrong. What you're dealing with may be less severe than what another person may be dealing with, but that doesn't make what you're dealing with any less significant. Accept this, because it's true. I've had this conversation many a time with strangers and friends, and I simply cannot stress it enough. You're not helping anyone by putting yourself down or telling yourself that your struggles aren't important. They are.

Nobody wants to really hear about other peoples every problem. Then there's me being shy and not wanting to bother others too much, so I try to undermine every problem I have, so it wouldn't be taken so seriously. That's not a good thing, is it now...

Nobody? Well, I think this very thread proves otherwise. This is a generalization you need to stop believing is true. You're making it more difficult for yourself, and what's the point of that? There will always be someone who cares, and others who are more than happy to listen and offer advice/support.

To answer to you both at the same time: If I were to choose between seeking professional help or just getting anti-depressants, I think I'll go the counseling route first. There are propably some great medicine that can make me feel all nice and fuzzy all around, but pills aren't really the solution here. They just suppress the thoughts and "bad" emotions, not really solving much in the long term. Or that's how I think.

There really isn't a choice to be made in regards to this. What you need to do is simply talk to a professional. After you've shared at least the basic information, they'll be able to recognize whether what you're struggling with is serious enough to continue with therapy, and/or medication. Sometimes it's only a matter of getting out of a certain routine. Once you've talked to someone (yes, easier said than done) you'll know where you stand and what your options are. Having someone to guide you will make the entire process at least a little easier. Any help in this regard is good, no matter how seemingly small. Having said that, I do see where you're coming from regarding the two. Although I know what you mean by feeling numb and fuzzy while on anti-depressants, that doesn't mean they're not a good route to take. Sometimes people are so far down they need to feel numb. I've heard many people complain about feeling numb, but there are many who'd argue (including myself) that by explaining that a break from the constant pain is enough to motivate them to actively start working towards getting away from the 'doing nothing' routine and bettering their lives.

Also, I'm not really familiar with the concept of a family physician, all I can do here is propably call and reserve a time with some local psychiatrist, which would lead to therapy anyway. Not so sure how easily you can just go and tell a doctor that you aren't feeling well and they will just prescribe pills, they will propably reserve a time with a shrink again.

I'm not sure how it is in your area, but it's not easy here. Not easy if you're trying to go through the medical system at least, rather than pay per hour to see a psychiatrist. Look into it, call your local mental health/medical clinic and ask. I'm sure you'll feel extremely uncomfortable and at a loss when calling, but they'll be able to help and it's worth it.

Do a little research, find the numbers, make a few calls, go from there. The people you'll be calling are there for the very reason you're calling, they will guide you. Hopefully it won't be too difficult or expensive to talk to someone, but neither makes it any less worth it. Also, feel free to PM me about anything, I'm always happy to listen. Best of luck.

 

[IndianaJonny]

...Btw, this attitude is kinda the source of my all-around apathy, I can't find a reason to do anything about this. So I just mope around every day, dragging myself through day after day of ultimately meaningless lectures and lessons, watching anime and playing video games in an ultimately useless effort to distract myself from all the suck and---aagh, I could go on.

Final-year blues? They're common enough and I've had them from time to time. I'd check out the 'Study Hacks' blog post on deep procrastination [//calnewport.com/blog/2009/02/16/the-danger-of-deep-procratination/]; might help you get a better bearing on things.


"Every journey begins with a single step" (Confucius)

You're soooooo close to the end of term/degree that you'll only kick yourself later on for not getting your act together here and now. Your 'wall of text' outpouring is symptomatic of someone who overthinks things to the point that you only see the daunting 'whole' and are paralyzed into inaction or apathy - at least, that's the case with me and I sympathise with that 'you feeling like crap but at the same time not feeling like giving a damn about anything' attitude.

The solution? Break. it. down.
Plan out your tasks and responsibilites so that you're doing a little bit and get into the psyche of:

"Ok, today I'm going to write 2,000 words, then on Saturday and Sunday I'll write another 2,000 each leaving me with Monday and Tuesday to go over it all before handing in on Wednesday"

Rather than:

"I'VE GOT 6,000 WORDS IN FOR WEDNESDAY, ARRRRGHH!"

You'll find you get more done this way and you end up with more 'free' time than you realise, time that you can enjoy without stress and high blood pressure.

Hope this helps, V. Message me if you need, help, encouragement or a grumpy reminder (or, if you just want to chat) on this further.

Edit: Oh, and GET SOME SLEEP! It must be about 6/7am in Finland!