Female Perspective - Friend Zone

[ZtH]

I think you're right, but there have been times when I've straight up said I'm not interested, then the guy gets visually upset and mopes around and whines...and makes me feel guilty and sorry. That's why we try to avoid that...it's really hard.

Also, sometimes we (girls I mean) just want to be friends with you because we think you're awesome people, you're just awesome in a friend way or youre not our type (at least it's that way for me). Why can't guys and girls just be friends? Sometimes it's better that way. Just because you are interested in someone doesnt mean you have to be going out....you could love them and care for them as a friend.

I remained friends with my ex after he dumped me and channeled all my caring for him into just being the best friend I could possibly be to him. Love and caring doesn't always mean dating, it comes in many forms.

I definitely agree with you. I'm still great friends with my ex regardless of her poor response at the time. It simply took longer than it should have. Overall I think honesty is very important in a break up from both sides. A guy who attempts to circumvent a clear rejection is being as dishonest with himself as a girl that gave him a poor response.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

See, I don't buy that. 90% of the rejections I've had over the years have taken the form of "I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in dating anybody right now" -- emphasis on the "right now," because it's almost always delivered in a way that can be taken as "I'm not currently ready, but I may be eventually" -- or some other expanded form of "it's not you, it's me."

It's a matter of the girls not being upfront enough about their own feelings, out of a misguided attempt to spare the guy some heartbreak. Speaking from experience, it only makes it worse in the end.

Well, there is a thing called being polite. Also this:

Or, alternately, dudes could just start interpreting a "no, but I still like you as a friend" as "no, but I still like you as a friend" instead of "reply hazy try again."

This. So much this. If I say "No, I just want to be friends," then you have been rejected. You are done - game over. This is not a coy offer for you to try again.

Also, for the record "not interested in dating anyone right now" (unless is immediately follows a breakup) is generally also code for "Not interested". That said, I have never used that line, because it is a lie, and I don't like lying.

However, to get back OT, what we're talking about is the "I waited too long, and became a friend, that's why she's not interested" argument - and that is generally not true.

 

[AnkaraTheFallen]

All I have to say is, if you thought that guy was persistent when you gave him an honest "no," you should feel lucky you didn't give him the typical, waffle-y friend zone response; it would have been 10 times worse.

Your probably right, but it's not him being persistent that I'm worried about, it was the fact that I lost so many good friends because of it... there's always part of me that wonders if I would have still been friends with them all if I hadn't just said no.

 

[Ace of Spades]

The friend zone is usually just a label. It's just a way for one party to justify rejecting the other, and I can speak from experience that it is preferable to be rejected than to be led on. It hurts to be rejected, but it hurts more when your crush goes out of her way to avoid you because she's afraid of hurting your feelings.

 

[ZtH]

Good call to get back on topic Bara. I think the Friend Zone concept is not entirely flawed, but that it is being applied outside its original meaning. I think it originally referred to the type of relationship where those involved say "I don't want to screw up the friendship" or something of that sort. That may be a cop out or it may be the truth depending on the person. I think a more strict definition of "Friend Zone" is valid where the current one, which seems to boil down to a magical expiration date on attraction, is not.

 

[Owyn_Merrilin]

See, I don't buy that. 90% of the rejections I've had over the years have taken the form of "I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in dating anybody right now" -- emphasis on the "right now," because it's almost always delivered in a way that can be taken as "I'm not currently ready, but I may be eventually" -- or some other expanded form of "it's not you, it's me."

It's a matter of the girls not being upfront enough about their own feelings, out of a misguided attempt to spare the guy some heartbreak. Speaking from experience, it only makes it worse in the end.

Well, there is a thing called being polite. Also this:

Or, alternately, dudes could just start interpreting a "no, but I still like you as a friend" as "no, but I still like you as a friend" instead of "reply hazy try again."

This. So much this. If I say "No, I just want to be friends," then you have been rejected. You are done - game over. This is not a coy offer for you to try again.

Also, for the record "not interested in dating anyone right now" (unless is immediately follows a breakup) is generally also code for "Not interested". That said, I have never used that line, because it is a lie, and I don't like lying.

However, to get back OT, what we're talking about is the "I waited too long, and became a friend, that's why she's not interested" argument - and that is generally not true.

The thing is, you can politely tell someone no without giving them hope -- "I'm not interested in dating anyone right now" is actually the most common turn down, at least in my experience. I've never had someone actually tell me that they only see me as a friend, and if I did, that I really would take as a no. The fact that you saw it as code and de-coded it shows just why it's such a bad thing to use. Not only are guys not psychic, but when it comes to women, we're idiots who need things spelled out to us. Even the smart guys. Especially the smart guys.

Edit: As far as the "I waited too long, and that's why I got friendzoned" thing, there is a kernel of truth to it; as much as the girl needs to be upfront, the guy does too. If he doesn't make his intentions clear at the start, it's his own fault if the girl assumes he just wants to be friends. Especially if he's acting friendly as a precursor to asking her out; in that case, he's the one sending the mixed, or even outright false, signals.

 

[Danik93]

http://www.laddertheory.com/

Ladder theory here to save the day!

That's a joke right?

Dear god please let that be a joke.

Not really... There are some very few exceptions tho. I got a couple of female friends I would never would wanted to have sex with. But for the most times yeah, pretty much that.

 

[Daveman]

I don't agree with the friend zone thing. I figure she just doesn't fancy you or just doesn't like you enough to date you. So I guess it exists but you get immediately assigned there rather than the more you get to know her the less likely she'll want to date you.

 

[Sun Flash]

Yeah... as a woman, I would say that the friend zone is a fiction. If we're attracted to you early on, we're just as attracted to you later.

When a girl says "I want to stay friends" - it's because we aren't attracted to you in the first place. The woman in question sees you as a friend, not because you "waited too long" but because you don't fit her ideal of a mate. Maybe you have the wrong hair color, or the wrong build, or the wrong ass. It doesn't mean you aren't attractive, just that you don't fit her particular desire or fetish.

To quote "Sex and the City" it just means "she isn't in to you".

Want evidence? My spouse and I were friends for three years before we had a one-night stand that turned into friends-with-benefits which turned into a relationship.

Happily married 7 years this summer.

So yeah, if a girl is attracted to you, it doesn't matter how long you've been "just friends" - things can work out. If she's not, she's not. Sorry.

This'll have been the umpteenth time you've been quoted, so sorry, but this ^ a thousand times over.

I have had a few friends ask me out, best friends at that. I didn't and still don't find them attractive, but when your best friend of 3 years comes up to you, what are you supposed to say? "Thank you for singling me out as someone special that you would like to pursue a relationship with, but I do not find you nearly as attractive and do not wish to enter that stage of a relationship with you."

Because I tried that. It did not end well. I declined politely with the friend zone answer and he wouldn't quit. Eventually I just told him that I did not see him as attractive. He was probably a particularly bad egg, but I don't fancy having "Fucking ****" scrawled over my front door and rumours about my promiscuity spreading just because I told a guy the truth.

Out of these three friends, I was only blunt with the first one, with the above results. The other two I'm still best mates with, and they've got other girlfriends, who are also in my 10 ten mates now.

I don't know if that last paragraph is relevant, but, eh.

 

[Safaia]

I'm just going to come out and say that my opinion is flawed because I have never been in a relationship, I'm probably not going to be in one any time soon and I'm not sure ever because of various reasons that go on for a while.

A lot of my friends are guys and none of them have ever asked me out so I've never had to out right reject them. If any of them had feelings they did not make it known. However, I hang out with guys almost exclusively. The one good girl friend I had in high school with I've basically fallen out of contact with completely. I play games (obviously), I drink lots of beer, I go to soccer tailgates and scream obscenities at grown men about fucking their grandmother, so I like to think I'm one of the guys despite the fact that I have tits. I'm going to move in with a guy and he was the one that asked me to live with him again despite that we've done it before. I'm a virgin and I've never slept with anyone (probably won't ever for reasons) so all of the men in my life are my friends.

As for the 'friend zone' it just seems like a coping method creating by men to explain why a girl rejected them. I don't think it's a real thing technically. It's just sometimes you meet someone you get along with and just have no romantic inclinations. It's inevitable, it happens, and the men who firmly believe in the 'friend zone' don't want to accept that.

 

[Zeetchmen]

http://www.laddertheory.com/

Ladder theory here to save the day!

My god that is amazing, I was always wondering and hoping someone would put that to text.

It also shows I'm not crazy

 

[Smooth Operator]

No need to apologize you are backing up my point, thank you

The apology was directed at all men, rather than just at you. ^^;;

The friend zone is a defense mechanism. Don't worry, women have a whole pile of our own defense mechanisms for when the guy we like doesn't like us back. The Sex and the City quote is actually "he's just not that in to you" - and is the "male perspective" on women and their defense mechanisms. I just reversed it for a similar situation.

AHA! You said "friend zone" is fiction, finally we come to the bottom of it!

Anyways girls got all sorts of tricks up their sleeve and they don't mind playing games, so you just need to play along.

 

[loc978]

I've seen enough to be with Hobo Steve on this one. Ladder Theory is statistically correct. Most applications of morality to consensual sex is mere affectation that people use to seem more "civilized"... and men are every bit as guilty of that as women.

 

[XHolySmokesX]

The friend zone is when a guy waits to long to ask a girl out and she, from that point on, will only see him as a friend or brotherly figure

time has nothing to do with it, it's all attraction. if the girl isn't attracted to you then you will end up in the friend zone.

what you have to do to be the attractive guy that's never in the friend zone unless you want to be... thats a whole different story.


Ps: i would like to mention that ladder theory, whilst it's kinda got the right idea, is total bullshit.

Most women don't really care about looks (as long as the guy is alright looking), and money is not the most important thing to women when considering attraction.

 

[Alade]

http://www.laddertheory.com/

Ladder theory here to save the day!

That's a joke right?

Dear god please let that be a joke.

Truth hurts baby.

 

[Chemical Alia]

There's plenty of people who are great friends of mine who I just have no interest in or attraction to in a "want to date" way. For me, at least, that's a lot more rare. Plus, I'm in a relationship with a guy, but I don't see why that should keep me from having male friends or that they should take anything the wrong way. Friends are great.

Also, I find that ladder theory pretty appalling. I was surrounded buy guys in school, and now at work, and since guys make up 95% of the people I normally see day to day, they are also the majority of my friends, and many of them are wonderful friends. To suggest that those people aren't my friends because I'm not a dude like them and that sex will separate us forever seems ridiculous to me. I've only known one person to actually believe this, but I don't buy it at all.

 

[chunkeymonke]

I fell like many people here don't understand the concept of the friend zone.
It is when one of two friends is attracted to the other but the other is not. The attracted fried asks out the other and they say no because they aren't attracted, that doesn't mean they don't want to be your friend but they will never be attracted you hence you are in a zone where you will only be friends and nothing more, a friend zone.

 

[Vrud]

Different situations involving different people will result in different variations of this phenomenon.

There's your female perspective. Keep the change.

 

[beniki]

Nah, I don't believe in the 'friend zone' or any of the relationship theories. I've seen enough of the world to know that nobody ever has any idea about what they actually want, and rarely, if ever, understand how they actually feel about anything.

That's not a bad thing, by the way. It's what makes life so terribly interesting!

 

[Myeth]

Wow. The ladder rating is funny, but I worry about what kind of women the (presumably dudes) who wrote that were unlucky enough to meet xD