Female Perspective - Friend Zone

[daftalchemist]

The Friend Zone is real, though I feel terrible about it. I had this really great friend who was a guy. He was my best friend during middle school (before he moved across the country). Unfortunately, he had a crush on me. I tried to see him in that manner because of how guilty I felt over not reciprocating, but it didn't work. He was my best friend, and nothing more. He was persistent throughout the time he lived in the same state as me, and that didn't help my feelings of guilt at all.

I've also ended up in the "Friend Zone" of guys too, although their "Friend Zones" work more like "you're like a sister to me". That was fantastic because I hated having a sister, so I interpreted that as "you're like the most obnoxious person to possibly be around to me".

In conclusion, Friend Zones are real, but that doesn't mean it sucks any less.

 

[floopdawoop]

I'd rather have my heart broken once rather than have it slowly fade into oblivion every second my "friend" is around.

 

[thylasos]

Guess what: not every girl will find you attractive, for various reasons. Just as you don't want to bone every girl you meet.

Friendship is a fine thing, and it's damn silly to get bent out of shape about it.

 

[CardinalPiggles]

SNIP

so you dont think the 'friend zone' might exist sub-consciously in the female mind?

the friend zone is what men have called it, but trust me, its there. look at the first post, the ladder theory, it explains it quite well.

 

[Alorxico]

I don't think the "friend zone" is exclusively a female thing. Guys do it, too, and for the same reasons; they are not interested in you emotionally, physically, or romantically. The "friend zone" is a way of telling someone 'You are a nice person, I like spending time with you, but I do not want to invest in a relationship with you because you do not meet my vision of the ideal partner."

 

[CardinalPiggles]

SNIP

i dont think the theory was trying to call every women out there a shallow whore, but to some degree, its true for most women.

let me explain, there are two available good looking twins, one has a fast shiny convertable expensive car, and the other has a 1980's nissan that looks like a hollow brick.

which one would you rather date?

(obviously there are variables, but its just a theory)

 

[Danzaivar]

And the Ladder Theory doesn't explain athletes, artists and rockstars, most of whom are broke and get a groupie following anyway. Of course, you need to put that 10,000 hours into honing your art (or your body), but it's better than putting a similar amount of time into a single relationship that's ultimately not going to pan out.

Err, yes it does. There's variables for novelty, and money is synonymous with power. Athletes, artists and rockstars have unmatched power within their social groups which, according to ladder theory, is a major factor. It also says that money stops being a big influence when x money is considered "all you need for what you want right now", and tends to be comparatively little for younger women. It totally fits.

Unless your trying to say athletes, rockstars and artists don't tend to bag unbelievably hot women in the 18-22 sort of range?

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

SNIP

so you dont think the 'friend zone' might exist sub-consciously in the female mind?

the friend zone is what men have called it, but trust me, its there. look at the first post, the ladder theory, it explains it quite well.

Yeah, no.

The "ladder theory" is a bunch of chauvinistic bull that has no place being called a theory. It's just "the friend zone" defined in psudo-scientific terms with some vague personality tests thrown in to back it up. It's terrible science. It's the creationism of sociology.

 

[ninjapenguin981]

Having been in the friend zone multiple times I can tell you that it's not completely made up by guys. Usually it's some bullshit excuse from the girl, oh I know you too well so you wouldn't be a good boyfriend, to me that makes no sense.

Anyway, it's not always the case as I'm currently going out with a girl I've been friends with for years and it's going strong for over a year now, so friends before going out in my opinion is best.

 

[Owyn_Merrilin]

SNIP

so you dont think the 'friend zone' might exist sub-consciously in the female mind?

the friend zone is what men have called it, but trust me, its there. look at the first post, the ladder theory, it explains it quite well.

Yeah, no.

The "ladder theory" is a bunch of chauvinistic bull that has no place being called a theory. It's just "the friend zone" defined in psudo-scientific terms with some vague personality tests thrown in to back it up. It's terrible science. It's the creationism of sociology.

And Sociology itself isn't? I've never understood why any science softer than biology even gets the name.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

Unless your trying to say athletes, rockstars and artists don't tend to bag unbelievably hot women in the 18-22 sort of range?

See my comments on the ladder theory above.

For the record, most athletes are also pretty hot. Same thing for rock stars, at least the ones women tend to go after. Anyway, everyone has a fetish, and there's always fan-obsession. That goes for men as much as women, keep in mind.

 

[mandaforever]

I don't think the "friend zone" is exclusively a female thing. Guys do it, too, and for the same reasons; they are not interested in you emotionally, physically, or romantically. The "friend zone" is a way of telling someone 'You are a nice person, I like spending time with you, but I do not want to invest in a relationship with you because you do not meet my vision of the ideal partner."

ya, I agree..I've ben friend zoned by a guy before... :/ it kind of slowly faded into nothing. Not a pleasant experience at all...I feel bad cause I've done the same to guys.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

Having been in the friend zone multiple times I can tell you that it's not completely made up by guys. Usually it's some bullshit excuse from the girl, oh I know you too well so you wouldn't be a good boyfriend, to me that makes no sense.

The point of the thread isn't that women don't say that (we do). The point is that what it translates to is "we are not now, nor ever were, interested in you romantically".

You know how I know this? Because when a friend I was interested in asked me out after being my friend for four years, I said yes, we had sex on the first date, and got married after dating for a couple more years.

If we say "we just want to be friends" we say that because we never wanted to be anything other than friends, and we never will.

 

[Ariseishirou]

SNIP

i dont think the theory was trying to call every women out there a shallow whore, but to some degree, its true for most women.

let me explain, there are two available good looking twins, one has a fast shiny convertable expensive car, and the other has a 1980's nissan that looks like a hollow brick.

which one would you rather date?

(obviously there are variables, but its just a theory)

Honestly? The one I clicked with more. I have my own car; I don't need his. Bonus point if he's a gamer.

The very fact that you think what car a man drives has any bearing on whether or not he'd be a good life partner is very disheartening. I'd take a man who made 30K/year and was awesome, smart, funny, and sexually attractive (to me, tastes vary) over a douchenozzle (particularly a douchnozzle who thinks all women are money-grubbing whores) making 100K/year 100 times out of a hundred. I have my own money, guys.

But of course this "Ladder Theory" prick would tell me I'm a liar. Well, screw him I'll be off dating cool geek guys I actually like as people who aren't misogynistic assholes.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

I don't think the "friend zone" is exclusively a female thing. Guys do it, too, and for the same reasons; they are not interested in you emotionally, physically, or romantically. The "friend zone" is a way of telling someone 'You are a nice person, I like spending time with you, but I do not want to invest in a relationship with you because you do not meet my vision of the ideal partner."

ya, I agree..I've ben friend zoned by a guy before... :/ it kind of slowly faded into nothing. Not a pleasant experience at all...I feel bad cause I've done the same to guys.

Wait, if THAT is how you're defining the "friend zone" - then yes, that happens.

What I'm saying doesn't exist is that magical time period where we would have said yes to a date, but oh no, you waited too long, and now you're 'in the friend zone'.

If you're friend-only material, you will always only be "friend only" material.

 

[mandaforever]

I don't think the "friend zone" is exclusively a female thing. Guys do it, too, and for the same reasons; they are not interested in you emotionally, physically, or romantically. The "friend zone" is a way of telling someone 'You are a nice person, I like spending time with you, but I do not want to invest in a relationship with you because you do not meet my vision of the ideal partner."

ya, I agree..I've ben friend zoned by a guy before... :/ it kind of slowly faded into nothing. Not a pleasant experience at all...I feel bad cause I've done the same to guys.

Wait, if THAT is how you're defining the "friend zone" - then yes, that happens.

What I'm saying doesn't exist is that magical time period where we would have said yes to a date, but oh no, you waited too long, and now you're 'in the friend zone'.

If you're friend-only material, you will always only be "friend only" material.

I sadly agree cause like I said, its happened to me! :/ There is never a "window of opportunity", people just make that up to make themselves feel better

 

[eclipsed_chemistry]

I was responding to a post about the Friend Zone in another thread and I was wondering what the women/girls/ladies on this site think about the whole idea. (I am male)
Also I am aware that the thread title might draw guys here believing that this is a females perspective which is what I was hoping for, because the male perspective can be useful too.

Yeah... as a woman, I would say that the friend zone is a fiction. If we're attracted to you early on, we're just as attracted to you later.

When a girl says "I want to stay friends" - it's because we aren't attracted to you in the first place. The woman in question sees you as a friend, not because you "waited too long" but because you don't fit her ideal of a mate. Maybe you have the wrong hair color, or the wrong build, or the wrong ass. It doesn't mean you aren't attractive, just that you don't fit her particular desire or fetish.

To quote "Sex and the City" it just means "she isn't in to you".

Want evidence? My spouse and I were friends for three years before we had a one-night stand that turned into friends-with-benefits which turned into a relationship.

Happily married 7 years this summer.

So yeah, if a girl is attracted to you, it doesn't matter how long you've been "just friends" - things can work out. If she's not, she's not. Sorry.

I have to disagree with you on that. Admittedly, I'm not a woman so I'm speaking from the perspective of a male, but I don't actually think the two are all that different.

I've had multiple instances where I would initially be attracted to a new girl in my class or with a group of friends, only to see that she isn't picking up on me flirting with her or is simply ignoring my advances, so I back off and direct my attention elsewhere. After making friends with these girls, I find out later that they were really into me but were too shy to do anything about it, and by that time, I wasn't attracted to them anymore. The "waiting too long" thing is true, even if it isn't true in all cases.

Also, (and not trying to be offensive here) it took a catalyst of a one-night stand in order for you and your spouse to become more than friends, and had that not happened, you might still be friends, attraction be damned. The "friend zone", while it has a silly name and stupid connotations surrounding it now, is still a very real place. Sure, things can change and you can end up together with your friend, but who knows how many external factors have to come into play in order for that to happen? With the circumstances being unchanged, the friend zone status will remain unless you decide to part ways or if some catalyst comes into play.

 

[Zer_]

Having been in the friend zone multiple times I can tell you that it's not completely made up by guys. Usually it's some bullshit excuse from the girl, oh I know you too well so you wouldn't be a good boyfriend, to me that makes no sense.

The point of the thread isn't that women don't say that (we do). The point is that what it translates to is "we are not now, nor ever were, interested in you romantically".

You know how I know this? Because when a friend I was interested in asked me out after being my friend for four years, I said yes, we had sex on the first date, and got married after dating for a couple more years.

If we say "we just want to be friends" we say that because we never wanted to be anything other than friends, and we never will.

Just because you've experienced something in a certain way, doesn't make it so for everyone else. Also saying "most athletes are hot." just destroyed your entire argument. You pretty much just threw yourself at The Ladder Theory while yelling "THIS IS SOO TRUEEE!!!"

The theory is sound, as long as you make room for exceptions (read: there are ALWAYS exceptions to social theories, without them, the theories would break down fast.) The theory will also change depending on the social stigmas that created it.

By the way, the part in Ladder Theory that women find most attractive in men is the most malleable part of the theory. The reason you find athletes to be very good looking is because of their line of work, you're almost guaranteed a healthy and fit parter, if not; a partner who's financial stability is also guaranteed. Also add into consideration that such a man is the ideal mate to bear your child (one who is physically and/or financially fit).

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

I have to disagree with you on that. Admittedly, I'm not a woman so I'm speaking from the perspective of a male, but I don't actually think the two are all that different.

I've had multiple instances where I would initially be attracted to a new girl in my class or with a group of friends, only to see that she isn't picking up on me flirting with her or is simply ignoring my advances, so I back off and direct my attention elsewhere. After making friends with these girls, I find out later that they were really into me but were too shy to do anything about it, and by that time, I wasn't attracted to them anymore. The "waiting too long" thing is true, even if it isn't true in all cases.

... but that isn't the case at all, is it?

It was YOUR attraction that waned. Later, the women admitted that they felt you were an acceptable partner (desirable even) but you no longer wanted them. That is an entirely different situation of getting to know someone and deciding you don't actually like them.

I'll bet that if you had still been interested, you could have had either of the ones in your example even after you were friends with them. If I am interested in a guy, and he asks me out, I will pretty much say yes (baring other issues, like being in another relationship). We could have been friends for days, weeks, or years.

 

[Kahunaburger]

I've had multiple instances where I would initially be attracted to a new girl in my class or with a group of friends, only to see that she isn't picking up on me flirting with her or is simply ignoring my advances, so I back off and direct my attention elsewhere. After making friends with these girls, I find out later that they were really into me but were too shy to do anything about it, and by that time, I wasn't attracted to them anymore. The "waiting too long" thing is true, even if it isn't true in all cases.

Well, in that case you probably lucked out by waiting, honestly. If you become less attracted to someone the more you know them, you aren't actually attracted to that person. The point is, however, that you don't need to evoke some sort of "friend zone" to explain this.