Female Perspective - Friend Zone

[Sentox6]

Really, you'd be better off testing the theory with impartial data sets. Of which none are provided, so it's relatively safe to dismiss this theory out of hand because there is no evidence aside from anecdotes (that may or may not be factual, or presented in an impartial manner even if they are factual) to support it.

Yes, but you're missing the point. I don't know of any theory that can be tested with impartial data sets when it comes to inter-personal relationships.

It's not like confirmation bias matters in this case. People can choose to interact however they want. If they find this theory convincing - even if it only serves to codify their existing beliefs - then that's their prerogative.

 

[agrajagthetesty]

Let me put it this way: it's not just a certain type of guy. All guys are stupid when it comes to dating. It is inherently dishonest to leave that sliver of hope, not to mention cruel. Speaking from experience, it hurts a hell of a lot less in the long run, for both parties, just to honestly say no. And yeah, it is leading him on; by the time she friend zones him, she knows exactly what he wants. She keeps giving him a sliver of hope that he'll eventually get it, but he never does. How is that not leading him on?

Edit: Do girls honestly think that friend zoning a guy can help preserve his self esteem? It's the most emasculating thing on the planet. There's nothing kind about it.

At this point I think that our discussion has a lot of room for flexibility and depends on individual cases - sometimes there may be dishonesty and room for hope involved in the rejection, sometimes not. For example:

If a guy tells a girl he wants to date and the girl says "let's just be friends", that is a clear rejection, she is not dishonest, and any hope the guy feels is due to his denial and, in your words, "relationship stupidity". She cannot be blamed for that, nor is she leading him on. Nor is she cruel or emasculating him; bear in mind that she's basically said "You are physically and sexually unappealing to me", but in a way that hopefully also conveys to him that she likes him as a person. Personally, I'd prefer to be told that I'm unattractive but nice than to be told that I'm unattractive and with a bad personality. But maybe guys find it emasculating to be told that they are appealing, but only on an emotional level. I wouldn't know.

If a guy tells a girl he wants to date and the girl says "I'm not looking for a boyfriend right now", there may or may not be dishonesty there, but what hope that is left for the guy should basically be ignored. In fact, after being told something like that, it's unfair on the girl if the guy keeps hanging around, hoping for her to change her mind and not giving up on the idea of a romantic relationship. It puts emotional pressure on her to agree to date him, and that's not an acceptable way of beginning a relationship in any case. What the guy should do after being told this is accept it, forget the prospect of romance entirely and move on, assuming that if she ever does start looking for a boyfriend and is interested in him as a candidate at that point then she'll send him a signal.

Regarding your point that it's better to give a clear no - I already said that. See the second paragraph of my post before this.

 

[Chemical Alia]

Edit: Do girls honestly think that friend zoning a guy can help preserve his self esteem? It's the most emasculating thing on the planet. There's nothing kind about it.

Why? What's wrong with a desire for friendship?

 

[SUPA FRANKY]

Edit: Do girls honestly think that friend zoning a guy can help preserve his self esteem? It's the most emasculating thing on the planet. There's nothing kind about it.

Why? What's wrong with a desire for friendship?

Because YOU WANT SOMETHING MORE!!!

Nobody wants to be just friends with people they like. Its the most frustrating thing ever.

 

[fingerbang143]

The Friend Zone; Where chicks leave the nice guys they complain so much about not being able to find.

So true that's why I treat the female population relatively poorly <3

 

[agrajagthetesty]

Edit: Do girls honestly think that friend zoning a guy can help preserve his self esteem? It's the most emasculating thing on the planet. There's nothing kind about it.

Why? What's wrong with a desire for friendship?

Because YOU WANT SOMETHING MORE!!!

Nobody wants to be just friends with people they like. Its the most frustrating thing ever.

Not emasculating though, is it? It's not pleasant, but it's not emasculating, and nor is it cruel since the girl isn't forcing the guy to spend time with her and he can always just stop spending time with her if he wants to.

EDIT: Also thought I'd add that just as nobody wants to be just friends with people they're attracted to, nor does anyone want to be more than friends with someone who doesn't interest them in that way. Looking at it from the girl's point of view, what else can she do in her situation?

 

[Chemical Alia]

Edit: Do girls honestly think that friend zoning a guy can help preserve his self esteem? It's the most emasculating thing on the planet. There's nothing kind about it.

Why? What's wrong with a desire for friendship?

Because YOU WANT SOMETHING MORE!!!

Nobody wants to be just friends with people they like. Its the most frustrating thing ever.

So I secretly want to be in a relationship with all of the male people I consider my friends, despite being content in a relationship already? Frankly, that's retarded.

 

[agrajagthetesty]

Because YOU WANT SOMETHING MORE!!!

Nobody wants to be just friends with people they like. Its the most frustrating thing ever.

So I secretly want to be in a relationship with all of the male people I consider my friends, despite being content in a relationship already? Frankly, that's retarded.

Hold on, just realised you and I interpreted Franky's post very differently. Now I'm not at all sure what he actually meant by what he said. :/

 

[SUPA FRANKY]

Edit: Do girls honestly think that friend zoning a guy can help preserve his self esteem? It's the most emasculating thing on the planet. There's nothing kind about it.

Why? What's wrong with a desire for friendship?

Because YOU WANT SOMETHING MORE!!!

Nobody wants to be just friends with people they like. Its the most frustrating thing ever.

So I secretly want to be in a relationship with all of the male people I consider my friends, despite being content in a relationship already? Frankly, that's retarded.

????

Yes, because that is obviously what I stated as fact in my post. I didn't mean people you LIKE LIKE at all.

 

[Chemical Alia]

Edit: Do girls honestly think that friend zoning a guy can help preserve his self esteem? It's the most emasculating thing on the planet. There's nothing kind about it.

Why? What's wrong with a desire for friendship?

Because YOU WANT SOMETHING MORE!!!

Nobody wants to be just friends with people they like. Its the most frustrating thing ever.

So I secretly want to be in a relationship with all of the male people I consider my friends, despite being content in a relationship already? Frankly, that's retarded.

????

Yes, because that is obviously what I stated as fact in my post. I didn't mean people you LIKE LIKE at all.

If the only value you can get from a friendship like that is sexual, then it's not really much of a friendship to begin with.

 

[JMeganSnow]

If a guy waits too long? What, is there some sort of time limit? Does a guy have X amount of days to express his feelings?

There's no expiration date. I know at least two very happy couples who waited a long time after they first met before they kicked off an actual relationship. The problem is that what happens with most guys is that they'll decide they like a woman, then do nothing about it thinking he can put off the moment of truth indefinitely until she has time to get to like him.

This does not work. Women are not oblivious. We CAN tell that you've got some kind of emotional hangup going on over us--er, assuming we're not currently distracted by our own emotional hangup over YOU. Then, we don't know crap even though we'll likely spend every waking moment analyzing your every word and facial expression. Don't ask me how/why this works out this way, it just does.

Anyway, after it's become obvious that there's some kind of emotional something-or-other going on, but you don't DO anything about it (apart from turn yourself into some kind of needy touchy-feely obnoxious twerp, which also does happen and contributes to the "expiration date" phenomenon), you'll get kicked over to friend status. This is what triggers the "expiration date" thing.

So, it's not that you have X amount of time to hit it off with a woman. You don't. You have a limited amount of time to express whatever it is you're feeling once you start feeling it. Do yourself a favor and speak up BEFORE you go insane and lose all credibility.

*Note: This advice by no means applies universally to all men and all women. Some men really do seem to want a mama. Some women really do seem to want guys who need to be mothered. This is very generic advice at its best. Keep your eyes open and you probably won't need it.

**Extra note: If you're at the stage when you're posting on forums "so, I met this girl I really like, what do I do?!??!?" you've already gone insane and lost all credibility. No, really. No, you have. So go ask her out so she can say no and you can get over it. You really will. And you'll know better how not to go crazy the next time.

 

[JMeganSnow]

Edit: Do girls honestly think that friend zoning a guy can help preserve his self esteem? It's the most emasculating thing on the planet. There's nothing kind about it.

Why? What's wrong with a desire for friendship?

Because YOU WANT SOMETHING MORE!!!

Nobody wants to be just friends with people they like. Its the most frustrating thing ever.

So I secretly want to be in a relationship with all of the male people I consider my friends, despite being content in a relationship already? Frankly, that's retarded.

????

Yes, because that is obviously what I stated as fact in my post. I didn't mean people you LIKE LIKE at all.

If the only value you can get from a friendship like that is sexual, then it's not really much of a friendship to begin with.

You're misunderstanding his, perhaps badly-conveyed, idea here. Sexual desire is related to one's values. The more you like and value a person, the more you will come to desire them sexually. Whether you DO anything about that or not obviously has a whole bunch of other reasoning and ramifications behind it.

In addition, friendships tend to be based around different kinds of shared values than romantic relationships, more casual stuff like "will hang out with me and play video games" or "knows me from back in high school and likes to chat over beer". So, yes, it's quite possible to have many non-romantic friends of the opposite sex, but if you start spending significant time with any one of them and talking about less-casual values, you will likely start to feel some romantic pangs there. Responsible people will usually back off from these and chill the relationship just a tad, until it's a nice comfortable friendship again. Irresponsible people cheat on their significant other, which is usually ill-advised.

 

[Ickorus]

To be honest, I wouldn't say the 'Friend Zone' exists, i've had more than one girlfriend whom I was long term friends with before we dated. (And remained friends with when the relationships ran their courses)

Funny thing is they lasted a hell of a lot longer than many relationships because we actually had a solid foundation to build on and common interests, only reason one of the relationships ended was because of distance sadly. I'd totally ask her out again if I ever moved closer to her or vice versa.

 

[SUPA FRANKY]

Edit: Do girls honestly think that friend zoning a guy can help preserve his self esteem? It's the most emasculating thing on the planet. There's nothing kind about it.

Why? What's wrong with a desire for friendship?

Because YOU WANT SOMETHING MORE!!!

Nobody wants to be just friends with people they like. Its the most frustrating thing ever.

So I secretly want to be in a relationship with all of the male people I consider my friends, despite being content in a relationship already? Frankly, that's retarded.

????

Yes, because that is obviously what I stated as fact in my post. I didn't mean people you LIKE LIKE at all.

If the only value you can get from a friendship like that is sexual, then it's not really much of a friendship to begin with.

Alright, let me clear this up. Sorry if I came on a little bit strong ( i feel a bit too strongly about this, sadly).

I meant whenever someone likes someone ( In the intimate sort of way), they don't want their "friendship". Some people may settle for it, but what you really want is the person you like's affection. Knowing that the person you like doesn't share the same feelings just...sucks.

Because, no matter how "close" you get, you'll never be as close as her lover.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

If that is your stance then I shall make my own. It is made by girls who claim it was made by guys who claim it was made bu girls so they have an excuse to not go out with someone.

+1 confusion

It's not you, It's me. =)

what?

+10 confusion

I don't want to mess this up. Any girl would be insane not to want to throw you down and ...
I am just afraid I would let you down, and I never want to hurt you.

How many bonus points is that? }8)

 

[Austin Ashe]

I was responding to a post about the Friend Zone in another thread and I was wondering what the women/girls/ladies on this site think about the whole idea. (I am male)
Also I am aware that the thread title might draw guys here believing that this is a females perspective which is what I was hoping for, because the male perspective can be useful too.

Yeah... as a woman, I would say that the friend zone is a fiction. If we're attracted to you early on, we're just as attracted to you later.

So in other words, if you AREN'T attracted to a guy early on, then chances are you WON'T be attracted to him later. Yet you might still be friends with him. That's the friend zone. However, the whole "friend zone" thing is kinda hard to really have a deep discussion about because everyone seems to have a different definition of what it is.

Your point actually SUPPORTS the idea of a friend zone, if it doesn't outright prove it, at least when it comes to you. And if it exists anywhere at all, then it exists, period.

Not a big deal or anything... you know... just saying...

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

Edit: Do girls honestly think that friend zoning a guy can help preserve his self esteem? It's the most emasculating thing on the planet. There's nothing kind about it.

Why? What's wrong with a desire for friendship?

Because YOU WANT SOMETHING MORE!!!

Nobody wants to be just friends with people they like. Its the most frustrating thing ever.

So I secretly want to be in a relationship with all of the male people I consider my friends, despite being content in a relationship already? Frankly, that's retarded.

????

Yes, because that is obviously what I stated as fact in my post. I didn't mean people you LIKE LIKE at all.

If the only value you can get from a friendship like that is sexual, then it's not really much of a friendship to begin with.

You're misunderstanding his, perhaps badly-conveyed, idea here. Sexual desire is related to one's values. The more you like and value a person, the more you will come to desire them sexually. Whether you DO anything about that or not obviously has a whole bunch of other reasoning and ramifications behind it.

In addition, friendships tend to be based around different kinds of shared values than romantic relationships, more casual stuff like "will hang out with me and play video games" or "knows me from back in high school and likes to chat over beer". So, yes, it's quite possible to have many non-romantic friends of the opposite sex, but if you start spending significant time with any one of them and talking about less-casual values, you will likely start to feel some romantic pangs there. Responsible people will usually back off from these and chill the relationship just a tad, until it's a nice comfortable friendship again. Irresponsible people cheat on their significant other, which is usually ill-advised.

I disagree that values and sexual attraction are necessarily related. Sexual attraction is based more on chemistry and timing rather than values. Sure you can grow to find someone attractive due to their values, but if you are excited and then get hit with someone you have extreme chemistry with values are the last thing to come to mind. It usually takes everything you have to resist your sexual attraction at that point =)

 

[Smooth Operator]

I don't want to mess this up. Any girl would be insane not to want to throw you down and ...
I am just afraid I would let you down, and I never want to hurt you.

How many bonus points is that? }8)

Ah the Bag Of Infinite Bullshit, every girls best friend, and it brings us guys somuch joy

 

[Austin Ashe]

No offence, but it is very hard (at least I find it hard) to say to someone that your not interested in them, especially if you are friends (which you probably are if you think of yourself as friendzoned). I'll admit it probably is an annoying thing for a girl to say to you, but often it's because we'd feel horrible for just saying we don't find the person attractive.

I'll agree it's difficult, but sometimes the difficult thing is the right thing to do. If you come out with it honestly it can avert some really nasty moods for both you and the person you're dealing with. The same thing as being confident enough to just ask someone out applies here, sometimes you just have to be cold enough to avert a slow and torturous train wreck.

See, I agree with what this guy is saying, but I'd put it another way...

The guy had enough courage to actually bring it up. The girl should also have enough courage to answer honestly.

 

[Mr.logic]

This, a thousand times this.

Son of a...

http://www.laddertheory.com/

Ladder theory here to save the day!

DOUBLE SON OF A!!!

I have reasons to trust the ladder theory heres why:

I'm a relatively handsome young man, no serious muscles no serious wealth.

I'm a devote christian who believes heavily in self sacrifice. my time money, and resources are freely given to others out of kindness(I also haven't had a job in 5 months).

80% of my friends have girl friends
One is a regular skater douche no job.
One is a muscular christian guy who trys to follow the bible, and with a job.
One is a extremely skinny christian guy who focuses less on selflessness, and more on charisma in preaching, he also has a job,
One is an ordinary douchebag no job.

I haven't tried talking to many girls because most girls don't impress me. I tried only three times this year.

First was a young muslim girl 2 years older then me she was gorgeous, driven, kind, fun, not funny, and generally lovely. I hung out with her for two days. We talked about politics, religion, even sex. I complimented her a few times, we never went out regardless of my asking.

Second was a young christian girl 2 years older then me she was pretty, driven, whacky, excited, and kind. I hung out with her for little more than an hour she was uniterested, nothing more was said.

Third a native american women 5 years older than me. She is very pretty, similar interests, busy, confident. She is a massive nerd like me we hung out, and played dnd together, we spent 3 days together. I ask her out she says no. I ask her out again a few weeks later she says no. we are scheduled to play dnd, and watch a movie with friends next week(P.S. She told me her relationships all failed before me why should I be different from them?)