Forever Alone (And Why Therapy Doesn't Seem to Get It)

[Sudenak]

I've always had a strong disbelief in therapy as a tool to fix problems. It works for some people, sure, but I always found it to be awkward. More than a few times my parents attempted to force me into therapy, to which I vehemently refused.

All that I'll say is this: females are dreadfully predictable. I'm female, I can pick out the patterns. If the girl speaks with a strangely "perky", valley girl type accent, they won't appreciate formality and probably won't want to be with someone who isn't a complete douchebag. They're also usually ridiculously hot.

The religious type girls will love formality, but you gotta kinda be religious too or else they won't want anything to do with you.

Sporty, athletic girls will have a strong personality, but also be patient with shut-in types.

Gamer girls tend to just not give a shit about much of anything and are compatible with anyone who isn't a complete douchebag. Even then, a few of them will fall head over heels for a complete douchebag.

You probably need to find some ladies who aren't party-crawlers. Just ask to hang out with some chicks. Most girls will at least give a guy a chance, and it does offer a bit of insight into the labyrinthine mindset of women.

(Keep in mind these were sweeping generalizations. Women are bizarrely complex, but they can usually fit into one of these categories. Especially in college.)

If you're really uncomfortable with women, just try mingling first. We're not all bad >_> But we are a bit tricky. But that's just my two cents.

 

[Smooth Operator]

Well blimey, for the first time I actually read one of these walls of text, boobies did help me get through.

I think the therapist was quite on the money, bullying gives you an increased sense of alienation(I've been there) to top it off you went to military school where alienation is demanded, for an asocial child that shit is rocket fuel on the fire.
And I'll leave your sexual preferences for another time.

BUT! It is never too late to turn around if you actually want to, yes sitting at home and writing on forums for a sympathetic ear is far simpler but it get's you nowhere, if you want to break the chain of "forever alone" then you need to get some mates together and start going out, regulary, atleast once a week.
Social skill is like any other skill, mastery is only obtained through repetition, since you are late to the party it will be harder, but it is never impossible, your determination is all.

 

[winginson]

I'm currently hitting this one from the "always have company, always alone" direction. I go to as many social events as I can (bike rallies, pubs, clubs, parties). I'm always ignored, people get annoyed at me joining in and the conversation dies, even if I can join in and somehow (to my mind at least) do OK no-one wants to know me afterwards, trying to speak to people I don't know gets me strange and disgusted looks.

Luckily other things are going well enough for me to still feel good.

 

[ShakeyJake]

but it's been proven that men that view porn eventually lose desires to be with real women.

Just no to this. By all means you're doing yourself a disservice if you expect real women to be like pron women but if anything I'd say porn is a healthy way to work on your sexual desires.

First post - just for you.

 

[Pokeus]

I rarely reply to anything but for whatever reason I decided too.

I agree with a lot of the advice given here, your therapist sounds like she was on the money but sometimes an answer can be hard to accept. Even though the emotions are negative, as a species we tend to enjoy wallowing in them and we don't want to accept the explanations behind them. A lot of the time (unless there is more your not telling her/us) it is just that simple.

But, it sounds like you argued with her on occasion and she argued back. The piece of advice I give that I haven't seen anyone else say is find another therapist. Sometimes you just don't click with the one you get, personality differences, you don't like how she explains things, her techniques, etc. Every therapist is a little different, especially in personality, you need to take the time to find one that's good for you. Even if it takes a few tries, a few sessions (a few months) it will be worth it.
And don't give up! It seems hard but push yourself (get out more and socialize even if you don't want to, you'll never learn if you don't). I've heard of a lot of people that want the fixes to their mental problems handed on a silver platter with no effort, but it's not that easy. The only person who can do it in the end is you. Therapists/family/friends can only provide so much in the way of verbal support and strategies for coping, the rest is up to you to take that and run.

 

[AnAngryMoose]

Well blimey, for the first time I actually read one of these walls of text, boobies did help me get through.

I think the therapist was quite on the money, bullying gives you an increased sense of alienation(I've been there) to top it off you went to military school where alienation is demanded, for an asocial child that shit is rocket fuel on the fire.
And I'll leave your sexual preferences for another time.

BUT! It is never too late to turn around if you actually want to, yes sitting at home and writing on forums for a sympathetic ear is far simpler but it get's you nowhere, if you want to break the chain of "forever alone" then you need to get some mates together and start going out, regulary, atleast once a week.
Social skill is like any other skill, mastery is only obtained through repetition, since you are late to the party it will be harder, but it is never impossible, your determination is all.

This guy speaks the truth. I've been in the situation of 'bullied by the kids who get bullied' too, but you can break out of this chain. Find some friends and just get together at their dorm or whatever and socialise with them for a bit. I don't drink either and I hate crowds so I'm assuming that, also like myself, you'll hate pubs and clubs. That's understandable.

My advice for socialising is find people who understand that your idea of fun may just be sitting in your dorm and joking about. Then, when you think you feel extremely comfortable with that, then get them to invite some of their friends around.

From experience, the best way to break out of anti-social habits is meet new people through people you know. That way it removes the initial barrier of talking to a stranger because you'll have a friend there to introduce the two of you. After that, just make simple remarks and small talks around the person.

By the way, there's nothing wrong with not feeling any particular drive for women. Most people in college tend to think random sex is the shit, but it just seems pretty stupid to me, anyways. Don't get bogged down by that

 

[Jonluw]

I feel the same way in a couple of ways.
Didn't have as heavy bullying and was never that smart, and I haven't come that far in my animezation, but still.

I can relate at least. I feel like being social and around other people is just not something I'm cut out for. Not to mention being in a relationship.

I would like to try out teraphy some time to try poking at my psyche a bit. Not because I think I'll be able to change, or that I even want to. Simply out of curiosity. See if the therapist agrees with the explanations I've worked out for my 'issues'.

 

[Risingblade]

I liked the pretty pictures

 

[Paragon Fury]

Well, there were a few others things we did talk about that I didn't mention here, but it might help if I gave you all some more context before recommendations start flying around here.

1: I've never been good at everyday conversations, ever. While I can perfectly well talk with professors and doctors and such about things in class in the world, I cannot carry on conversation about things like music or movies or sports. One reason is I simply don't know enough, and the other reason is I simply do not care. I've never cared about those sorts of things. And though I can talk about things such as video games and anime and books, my conversations in these things tend to go way above everyone else's heads.

2: Its not that I've never liked women; its just that now women I would've/should consider attractive are just starting to not...do anything anymore, other than make me feel depressed. Though maybe it doesn't that every single woman I have ever liked has been engaged, taken, or in fact, lesbian.

3: I don't actually go to parties or anything like that. As I said, I have a dislike of crowds and loud environments, and parties and such definitely qualify as both. Its also not like the are a ton of women around here anyways; according to our last year's school census, in a school of about 2,000 students, the ratio of men to women was about 7-1 (men to women).

4: Its not like I haven't tried to go to other clubs and such; but there isn't a lot around. I'm not allowed at the game club events anymore, since I kicked their asses so badly the last couple of times I showed up. There is no anime club, and I usually don't have the money to go to paintball events while at school. Also, there are no fraternities or sororities here; they're completely banned because they are seen to interfere with the ROTC program "more often than not create an unfavorable environment for learning and encourage actions not in accordance with the expected behavior and conduct of a student or graduate of this university". So there are no sorority girls here.

 

[Akytalusia]

i read the OP, but was there a question in there somewhere? i'm not sure how to respond. i empathize though. good luck.

 

[Jonluw]

3: I don't actually go to parties or anything like that. As I said, I have a dislike of crowds and loud environments, and parties and such definitely qualify as both.

Do you play any instruments?
Not only does it feel very satisfying to be able to have melodies leap from your fingers, but I recall hearing of a theory stating that it could help you get accustomed to noisy environments.

It was from an article on Cracked, so you should perhaps take it with a pinch of salt, but whatever. Learning to play an instrument is something I recommend for everyone. It's a great way to feel good about yourself and catch a break every now and then.
At least that's the case for me, but I am an audio-oriented person. I don't know about you, but I recommend you try it.

Edit: Of course, it's not like you have to go to parties at all. My preferred scene of socializing would be staying with a couple of people in one of our houses with actual plans for what to do, like watching a movie or playing D&D.

 

[Kryzantine]

1. As someone might have touched upon, trying to find girls is the most obvious desperation move possible, and it's one of the easiest ways to become even more sad. You've kind of admitted defeat, so you have that going for you. If a girl likes you, they will come to you. If they don't like you, they won't. You're entering your senior year of college, and it doesn't sound as if you have many female friends, so to be honest? You're probably alone for a while. But that's a position that can be advantageous as well.

2. Try to become more... interesting. Quirks that simply don't pop up anywhere else in your school. If people consider you weird for them, FUCK 'EM. Weird is the best place you want to be. It detracts the people who you hate and attracts the people you might end up liking. For instance, I have a # of quirks - I can speak in multiple accents and dialects of English (American, British, Scottish, Canadian, learning Irish), as well as a native Russian accent, with a minor usage of some other European accents. I use a lot of metaphors. I have a rather astounding intuition and understanding of most people I meet; I can usually finish their thoughts for them, predict their next thought, figure out motivations. I sometimes can recall deja vu experiences fast enough to tell of the experience right as it's happening, which scares the life out of everyone around me at the time. I have 3 passports. I once built a functional skeeball machine out of scrap wood, a picnic table out of hard wood, and a stuffed rabbit out of duct tape, all within 2 months time, for no reason other than sheer boredom. I can pull a triple all-nighter for fun.

I'm sure you can find your own uniqueness. Something inherent about yourself that few other people have. Territory where few others have tread. It is probably the best way to make friends, simply astonishing them with something they not only haven't really seen before, but something they never would have thought of doing.

3. Do not give a damn. This ties into the previous point of not giving a fuck if people think you're weird, but you shouldn't be bowing to pressure from anyone else. If you feel doing something is right, then just do it. If it sounds badass and you know you won't get seriously injured, do it. The tape rabbit thing was me being bored for a day, buying three rolls of duct tape, going to a friend's house and crafting that shit over 5 hours. This was done despite having absolutely no experience crafting anything exclusively out of duct tape. The final product didn't look the greatest, but just the idea got me applause for the project.

We generally like people that can think they can do something that feels right, and act on that, even if it backfires. Watch the backs of others and they will look out for you too.

4. A summation point. Ease up, be funny. You're probably not going to get the girl you want at this point in your life, so relax, take a few days to get over that realization, and start thinking about the positives in that. At this point, the only thing that should be limiting you is your morality. My advice for this summer would be to try and find yourself. Figure out what you want to do, what kind of person you want to be, and don't be afraid to look bad to others. You'd be stunned at the number of people that will come to you, talk to you and be friends with you if you are an unequivocal badass.

And that's all I have to say.

 

[Gralian]

The words "but even attractive women in real life just seem to make me feel depressed" are the crux of the issue and it all comes down to not having been able to successfully form any relationships with women full stop, romantic or otherwise. As a result, you are subconsciously choosing to instantly reject all women in order to save yourself possible emotional and mental torment. It's essentially a defence mechanism, but the longer this behaviour continues and is reinforced, the more it is normalised. This means that without extensive therapy to deconstruct these views of women being impossible to connect with, it may be a belief system held for the majority of your life, and that's not a good thing. The fact you are attracted to unreal women would solidify this opinion in that you are forming your own "relationships" and attaching your desires to these women as you know they will not reject you in the same way real women will. This makes them more appealing, and as you continue to project your desires for real women onto unreal ones, it will once again become normalised and it will be difficult to undo. It's like when men watch excessive amounts of porn and are no longer interested in normal women, pursuing a relationship or even having sex. (as they find the porn and masturbating to be more fulfilling)

I can relate. I've been in therapy for about a year, perhaps more, for anxiety issues and social phobia. I've been discharged, though i still have my many problems. The difference is while i know they will never go away, i also know it's all about managing them on a daily basis. Every day i tell myself certain things to lower my anxiety levels and draw CBT models in my head to help me overcome the problem. That's the point of therapy; providing you tools to help you overcome things in increments. There's no magic revelation or cure-all that's going to help you get past your issues. You have to consciously tell yourself that you no longer want to project your desires (romantic, sexual or even companionship) onto unreal women. It might seem a bit useless at first, but the more you focus on telling yourself this and believing it earnestly, the easier it will get and you'll be surprised by the eventual results. Unfortunately therapy is a lot of give and take and you really have to do a lot of the work yourself if you want to see an improvement. You have to be willing to set goals with your therapist, like "i will speak to a girl by the end of the week, even if it is just to say hi or ask what the time is". Then you can focus on examining your reactions to those situations and how to deal with them. With therapy, you need to be willing to put yourself into stressful situations. You can talk about something all day long, but talking is never the same as doing.

 

[thisbymaster]

Your holding back, as long as you hold back you will never push forward. If you abandon that which stops you from getting you what you want. If they way you are thinking is holding you back abandon it and find a new way. Force yourself to do something unlike yourself. Push past the self doubt, you are the ONLY thing in your way. Have you ever watched anime and wondered why the main character is such a whiner all the time? It is obvious to everyone watching that he/she can do but they only lack the will power to follow through. Think of people watching you right now? What would they say to you? If you stared in a TV show would anyone watch it?

 

[AMMO Kid]

but it's been proven that men that view porn eventually lose desires to be with real women.

Just no to this. By all means you're doing yourself a disservice if you expect real women to be like pron women but if anything I'd say porn is a healthy way to work on your sexual desires.

First post - just for you.

I'm sorry, but I laughed out loud when I read this. Not to loud, just to myself.

Buy and then read the book "Wired for Intimacy." It explains the research that scientists have found in the past few years on how porn rewires the male brain and it actually makes men have worse sex because of what part of the sex porn makes us focus on.

 

[AMMO Kid]

If you tried that logic on me, I'd accuse you of causation/correlation confusion.

Do your background check on the topic. A book on the subject is called "Wired for Intimacy."

 

[Lilani]

-snip-

I am a 20 year old female, and I just got my first boyfriend in April. I met him in the Japanese Animation club students at my school put on. He's not an athlete, and nor am I. I don't look like an anime hottie, and he doesn't exactly look like G.I. Joe. We love each other for reasons much deeper than that. He makes me happy. Not because of how he looks, but because of his character.

I think you should just give yourself time. Don't try to force yourself to do things you don't like. You like anime? Great. Find others that do too. Maybe your school has an anime club too, or something similar. Or maybe even a video game club, or whatever else suits your fancy. Most school organizations are free, or have very menial fees (my anime club costs $5 per semester, only because they like to treat us to pizza every now and then).

And...that's all I got. If you want to get used to being around people, practice makes perfect. Find people with common interests. I have known many "awkward" people with large circles of friends, so I highly doubt your few deficiencies will keep you "forever alone," as long as you don't allow them to. The only way to make friends is to go out and meet people. They sure aren't going to come looking for you :3 Good luck!

 

[Paragon Fury]

Your holding back, as long as you hold back you will never push forward. If you abandon that which stops you from getting you what you want. If they way you are thinking is holding you back abandon it and find a new way. Force yourself to do something unlike yourself. Push past the self doubt, you are the ONLY thing in your way. Have you ever watched anime and wondered why the main character is such a whiner all the time? It is obvious to everyone watching that he/she can do but they only lack the will power to follow through. Think of people watching you right now? What would they say to you? If you stared in a TV show would anyone watch it?

I don't know if anyone would watch it, but I thought of a few names for it:

The Snark Knight [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/DeadpanSnarker]


Hell, my first roommate in college my freshman used to say that "The 40 Year Virgin" was a future biography of my life, except that they had to change the original ending to something happier because test audiences hated the old ending where the guy wound up by himself.

Also, like I said, I've tried different things. I can't do music.....or anything involving "art" really. And there aren't really ANY clubs at all that I care about here at school...or ones that I'm allowed back to. (See game club remark)

 

[Paragon Fury]

If you tried that logic on me, I'd accuse you of causation/correlation confusion.

Do your background check on the topic. A book on the subject is called "Wired for Intimacy."

And I just quick looked that up.

And I wouldn't buy that book if you paid me to. Considering the book was written for and by Christians, that blows ALL sorts of credibility holes in it. The kinds of holes any freshman level college student could see, or anyone who works in any sort of scientific research.

 

[AMMO Kid]

If you tried that logic on me, I'd accuse you of causation/correlation confusion.

Do your background check on the topic. A book on the subject is called "Wired for Intimacy."

And I just quick looked that up.

And I wouldn't buy that book if you paid me to. Considering the book was written for and by Christians, that blows ALL sorts of credibility holes in it. The kinds of holes any freshman level college student could see, or anyone who works in any sort of scientific research.

It was written by a man who used to study the topic and found the same thing and eventually became a Christian. This isn't a "don't do it cause Jesus says no" book, this book references more secular authors on the subject than any other Christian book I have ever read.