Forever Alone (And Why Therapy Doesn't Seem to Get It)

[Fappy]

Like I said, there is also no anime club or anything like that at my college for me to get into.

You sure about that? Even some of the smallest schools in my state have at least a few outlets for geek congregations.

Honestly, and I don't want to sound like a douche for saying this but... judging by some of the interests you have expressed and photos you have linked I think it is fair to assume that you are what the average college age (American) girl would consider "weird". Now that's not entirely a bad thing, however it gives you a disadvantage and limits your options a bit.

I'm a pretty strange person myself and I have a lot of advice to give, but I feel I need a better understanding of how your social encounters occur. What is your average conversation like with a girl you know? How about a girl you don't know well?

 

[Chemical Alia]

You kind of had me until you posted pictures of two retarded looking anime characters. I'd suggest that you just need to meet better and more interesting people, but if your ideal girl is some passive, childish stereotype out of an anime then I honestly don't know what to think. If a guy told me this, I'd honestly be a little creeped out. Most people simply don't act like this, and the ones that do probably have tons of their own issues.

 

[bigdaddy95]

Well the world is a gigantic crapper on everybody, not everyone can be anime freaks and own friggin love pillows for it. Your obviously not helping yourself in any shape or form, which is what it comes down to. Your incredibly useless therapist is only gonna get you so far. I mean you could start with getting a male therapist and maybe thinking completely differently.

Just so you know, it has nothing to do with the fact you like anime or whatever. There are bigger freaks than you that have much more of a social life than you and are probably getting more pussy too.

You could think of it like getting a job, its not just gonna come to you and how much you involve yourself in this quest for change is simply not enough. You gotta have the balls to make the change, to get out there, to realise you haven't got much more left to lose if you didnt even have it. The change is in the mindset, peace out.

 

[Sarcastic_Applause]

man this discussion has hit my sore spot quite hard; its because of experiences like these (which i have experienced) that caused me to leave higher education; My desire to learn about my fields as well as be a more serious player in sports (boxing and rugby at the time), and the simple fact that i genuinely detest the clubbing and going out and getting hammered way of spending an evening made me a social pariah.

All i can honestly say to you is: get another therapist you can open up to (the first step is letting others understand you), Try your hardest to find some like minded people; even where im from (with the most minuscule looking video game and anime culture), i've still been shocked to go from strolling the section (anime), into a full on discussion about scott pilgrim and web-comics (best day ever), they exist, and the female anime fans i've seen are pretty cute .

Finally, the most important one... you need to get yourself to a place where you believe and are confidant in yourself to the degree where you do not put yourself in the firing line; I know this from experience, that the world is a cynical place, and it'll take any opportunity to grab your insecurity and take it on a joyride. The day i focused on bettering myself as a person and living for others with self confidence was when people take notice of you. You're intelligent person by what you've written here, don't force these things through, people can see the difference between a forced effort and a someone taking part of their own volition.

Err... as for the girl issue im not one to give advice on this because i am hopeless with women because im just not interested; and its not to do with anime, i find anime women to be 2 dimensional, but what i can say is that the opposite sex provides the ultimate challenge; simply because what they lack in anime perfection, they make up for with a vibrant personality and an interesting conversation (most of them anyway).

Apologies for the wall of text (most of which will probably make no sense, and i'll get told im full of crap for writing)
I dont know how to post pictures...

 

[Paragon Fury]

You kind of had me until you posted pictures of two retarded looking anime characters. I'd suggest that you just need to meet better and more interesting people, but if your ideal girl is some passive, childish stereotype out of an anime then I honestly don't know what to think. If a guy told me this, I'd honestly be a little creeped out. Most people simply don't act like this, and the ones that do probably have tons of their own issues.

Admittedly, that isn't the most flattering picture of Tskuimi I could find, but the other pictures I did find came from sites flagged as "Unsafe", so I avoided them.

But if you describe Yoko and Tskuimi as "childish", it just shows you've never watched Sekirei or Gurren.

Like I said, there is also no anime club or anything like that at my college for me to get into.

You sure about that? Even some of the smallest schools in my state have at least a few outlets for geek congregations.

Honestly, and I don't want to sound like a douche for saying this but... judging by some of the interests you have expressed and photos you have linked I think it is fair to assume that you are what the average college age (American) girl would consider "weird". Now that's not entirely a bad thing, however it gives you a disadvantage and limits your options a bit.

I'm a pretty strange person myself and I have a lot of advice to give, but I feel I need a better understanding of how your social encounters occur. What is your average conversation like with a girl you know? How about a girl you don't know well?

Its a school of 2000 people. I know the Residence and Campus Life office well. If a club exists on campus, I'd know about it. there is a Game Club, Ski Club, Paintball Club, etc.....even a Cigar Club, but no Anime Club.

I don't really "know" any women. What conversation I do have with them are limited to them asking to borrow my textbooks, or if I remember when and what a quiz or a test is about, or in an adversarial setting during a class debate.

 

[Fappy]

You kind of had me until you posted pictures of two retarded looking anime characters. I'd suggest that you just need to meet better and more interesting people, but if your ideal girl is some passive, childish stereotype out of an anime then I honestly don't know what to think. If a guy told me this, I'd honestly be a little creeped out. Most people simply don't act like this, and the ones that do probably have tons of their own issues.

Admittedly, that isn't the most flattering picture of Tskuimi I could find, but the other pictures I did find came from sites flagged as "Unsafe", so I avoided them.

But if you describe Yoko and Tskuimi as "childish", it just shows you've never watched Sekirei or Gurren.

Like I said, there is also no anime club or anything like that at my college for me to get into.

You sure about that? Even some of the smallest schools in my state have at least a few outlets for geek congregations.

Honestly, and I don't want to sound like a douche for saying this but... judging by some of the interests you have expressed and photos you have linked I think it is fair to assume that you are what the average college age (American) girl would consider "weird". Now that's not entirely a bad thing, however it gives you a disadvantage and limits your options a bit.

I'm a pretty strange person myself and I have a lot of advice to give, but I feel I need a better understanding of how your social encounters occur. What is your average conversation like with a girl you know? How about a girl you don't know well?

Its a school of 2000 people. I know the Residence and Campus Life office well. If a club exists on campus, I'd know about it. there is a Game Club, Ski Club, Paintball Club, etc.....even a Cigar Club, but no Anime Club.

I don't really "know" any women. What conversation I do have with them are limited to them asking to borrow my textbooks, or if I remember when and what a quiz or a test is about, or in an adversarial setting during a class debate.

Are you involved with any activities on campus (besides ROTC if you are still in it)? This is a great way to meet them considering how women tend to care more about such things (in my experience anyway), and even if you don't like any of them they might introduce you to others.

 

[Paragon Fury]

No, I don't do ROTC anymore.

There are no women in the Paintball Club.

I stopped skiing after I got banned from a mountain in high school because I was so bad at it I was a danger to other people.

I'm not allowed at the video game club anymore; they don't like me there because I'm too good compared to them. And there aren't any women there anyways. The other clubs I really don't have any interest in for one reason or another.

 

[qeinar]

Moving away might seem like avoiding the problem, but at times the grass is greener at the other side. : p

 

[Jake0fTrades]

As far as relationships go, it sounds like you're counting yourself out before the game even starts. If you're so concerned about your physical appearance, start giving it some attention, go jogging first thing in the morning, exercise regularly.

You're smart, you've said so yourself, use that big ol' brain of yours, diagnose the problem, find a solution and put that solution into action.

 

[Littaly]

Read it all (I was about to ADHD out on it, but then there was a picture of a cat that seemed awfully convincing), you have my sympathies man, I don't know what else to say. "To hell with therapists" maybe? I don't know. We all have problems, some more than others, some pass others don't, maybe in two years you'll look back at this thread and laugh, then again maybe you won't, life is messy like that. In the meantime, here's some The Smiths [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_U5HpeA_WSo] for ya.

 

[Chemical Alia]

You kind of had me until you posted pictures of two retarded looking anime characters. I'd suggest that you just need to meet better and more interesting people, but if your ideal girl is some passive, childish stereotype out of an anime then I honestly don't know what to think. If a guy told me this, I'd honestly be a little creeped out. Most people simply don't act like this, and the ones that do probably have tons of their own issues.

Admittedly, that isn't the most flattering picture of Tskuimi I could find, but the other pictures I did find came from sites flagged as "Unsafe", so I avoided them.

But if you describe Yoko and Tskuimi as "childish", it just shows you've never watched Sekirei or Gurren.

You seem to have missed the actual point I was trying to make. I don't think a "more flattering" image of the anime chick would help in this situation. :C

 

[eternal-chaplain]

I remember I went to a therapist last semester too, the same kind: talking, that is.
I was in and out of depression, but I remember that no matter how sad I was, music made me a bit happier.
Anyways, right, like you the therapist accomplished nothing, they just sit their and ask you casual questions if my experience is any indicator...
About that woman problem, well you could always do what I did: switch to men. :3

 

[BanicRhys]

So last semester I went to see a therapist. The talking kind, not the pills kind, mind you. I went because I was in the middle of one of being down on the world because life sucks periods. Well, particularly down on one area of my life, personal relationships. However, going didn't help, and it seems that the only thing I've gained since then is things that seem to reinforce that idea.

Now, for the longest time, I've never had good...relations with women. Or people for that matter. I've never been the most social person, ever. During pre-school and elementary school, I was bullied by everyone, girls included.

...

And being around women didn't get any easier either since now I'm surrounded by people I'm not only statistically inferior to, but by surrounded by people who have interests far more socially acceptable than mine. Because, yes, since I've been a child my primary hobbies have been books, anime, video games. Its not that I didn't ever play sports; soccer was OK, I enjoyed lacrosse for a bit, and paintball is hella fun. Its just that I've never been good enough at them, and by the time middle school came around I was no longer good enough to compete with the other kids, and thus had to stop playing.

This combined with not liking anything people my age seem to like, since I don't drink,I don't get to go out much (lack of money, otherwise I'd be gone at paintball every weekend), and an aversion to loud and/or crowded places means I don't do a lot of things they do. While the therapist tried to get at why I didn't like/do these things, I could never get beyond an "I just don't" style of answer.

At best, I guess it was because I felt like I couldn't be a good friend to woman, much less something more important; especially because I wouldn't even be attractive in that sort of way, or possibly even capable of caring for them properly. I'm not physically attractive, I'm smart but not to the point where it out-does my lack of physical attractiveness, I'm not into the kinds of things most people seem to be into, I'm an atheist (which apparently is a fairly HUGE negative in long0term relationships, as I found out from a few studies in my Social Psychology classes) and I detest children.

All of this is the same for me too, bro. Minus the paintball anyway...

I don't know what American colleges are like but I would assume it wouldn't be too hard to find friends that are gaming/anime enthusiasts like you appear to be. I'm pretty sure I'm a whole lot stupider and socially inept than you and I managed to find myself a few friends, including a female one mind you, on the first day of college just by sitting next to someone, sharing my interests and then simply chatting with him and his friends.

I may have just had it easy though as my course is a very laid back one where almost everyone in the class is a gamer and/or anime lover.

I think the therapist may be right when it comes to your comparing real women to women in anime, I have watched a lot of anime, and a large portion of those were ecchi/comedy/romance/school-life stuff so I know how it can feel sometimes. I does suck when you look at the romance/women in the anime and then look at real life and just get depressed when you know that in real life love can never be so beautiful/pure/magical as it is in anime. You know that a large percentage of couples get divorced and you know that there's a decent chance you will never find a girl that makes you truly happy etc etc.

On a different note, what is it with American Schools and beatings? I live in Australia I have never once seen anyone hit someone else with the intention of hurting the other person but over there is sounds like it's the norm.

 

[Paragon Fury]

You kind of had me until you posted pictures of two retarded looking anime characters. I'd suggest that you just need to meet better and more interesting people, but if your ideal girl is some passive, childish stereotype out of an anime then I honestly don't know what to think. If a guy told me this, I'd honestly be a little creeped out. Most people simply don't act like this, and the ones that do probably have tons of their own issues.

Admittedly, that isn't the most flattering picture of Tskuimi I could find, but the other pictures I did find came from sites flagged as "Unsafe", so I avoided them.

But if you describe Yoko and Tskuimi as "childish", it just shows you've never watched Sekirei or Gurren.

You seem to have missed the actual point I was trying to make. I don't think a "more flattering" image of the anime chick would help in this situation. :C

And what that point that have been? Neither Tsukimi or Yoko fit into that "passive, childish" stereotype either.


And Banic, I believe you might missed the Zangief Kid.

 

[Thunderhorse31]

Like I said, there is also no anime club or anything like that at my college for me to get into.

Have you ever thought of maybe, ya know, starting one? Rather than trying so hard to find a group to "fit into," you can make one of your own and have people come to you.

Hell, I'd join your anime club. What's the first one we're watching?

 

[fulano]

None of what the therapist say to you seemed off to me. But that's your business.

 

[Paragon Fury]

Like I said, there is also no anime club or anything like that at my college for me to get into.

Have you ever thought of maybe, ya know, starting one? Rather than trying so hard to find a group to "fit into," you can make one of your own and have people come to you.

Hell, I'd join your anime club. What's the first one we're watching?

I can't.

One reason is that I'm a Senior. After I graduate this year, there is a high likelihood the club would collapse, meaning the school would be hesitant to give me permission to set the club up in the first place. That is of course, if I could find 6 other people to be in it and get the support of an active, tenured facility member.

 

[Paragon Fury]

snip

Listen to the therapist they know what they are doing. Oh ya and this will also help.

Spoiler

Oh ya and you have to realise that anime women are not realistic. You have spent to much time fanasizing about them that you dont know what real women are actually like.

The problem is that getting to know someone requires you to actually be able to you know......have something in common or that you both can talk about.

Something I don't really have.

Also, that video was annoying.

 

[robinkom]

I don't want to point out your Atheism as a proponent to your mindset, being an Agnostic Atheist myself, but it's possible to live in a scientific reality and still be optimistic and even a little spiritual which is nowhere near the same as religious. Easier said than done, right? I know. I myself have been in therapy for Social Anxiety and the associated phobias but I got myself on the meds to keep me level. It's been maybe 4 years now and I'm a lot happier than I used to be... and a lot more outspoken and vocal.

I was just like you, socially rejected and all that. When I was young, I was fucked with too. My defense mechanism was to embrace my then-flourishing love for Heavy Metal and took on the physical appearance of it. I grew my hair long, cut holes in my jeans, wore a leather jacket, and never smiled or showed an inkling of emotion. I walked around with a death stare like the first person that opened their mouth was going to get fucked up. In actuality, I'd never hurt a fly but it was a facade that worked to keep people off my back.

As I approached adulthood however, I realized that those people that fucked with me or that I wanted to be accepted by were just shallow superficial fucking assholes. No, you don't need to go to bars or parties or get drunk like everyone else. Often times, those people use that as their crutch because they too are miserable, they just can't come to terms with it. Improving your social skills and finding acceptance are two totally different things. You don't want acceptance from people that won't accept you as you are, fuck'em.

When it came to girls, I was pretty screwed too. I never really had trouble talking to girls, I just never could maintain or even initiate a relationship most of the time. My views tend to be too radical for them or they turn out to be so mundane that they just outright bore me. I chalk it up to me not being a romantic person, I'm not. Those gestures are so forced and contrived for me, no manufactured overpriced holiday gift could ever hold the same meaning as just being there with that person and them knowing that you care about them.

Believe it or not, there are women out there with the same interests as you. It's just a matter of finding them, it's not okay to settle for less. They too perhaps feel like social outcasts but on a different level, you may just find the one that understands your dilemma and happens to take a shine to you. She won't be "Anime perfect" but that's life, it's not perfect. Perfection is an illusion. A cartoon can't love you back. Striking the balance between finding both inner and outer beauty is key. Or, like my mom always told me, try to find a girl like your mother. Those words could not be more true and a lot of guys realize it too late.

 

[Sinisterair]

Here's your problem: you've been using the wrong meme.

Spoiler

But seriously, your therapist knows what she's talking about. That's why she's a therapist. Follow her advice.

I agree with your advice, but what the hell is with that picture?! Evil wolf is evil...

**Gasp!** Thats Mofo Instanity Wolf!!!!!!!

Basically one of the many Advice animal memes out there today