Games as my dad describes them.

[lordtec]

So you are the bosss of a bunch of humans and robots and you have to build to fight insects and aliens.

Spoiler

Starcraft

You are a god that is a hand and you can be good or bad, but other gods want to kill you.

Spoiler

Black or white

So there is a disease that changes people in zombies or something like that and you are also sick, but you aren't a zombie and you can fly and run up buildings and eat people. The zombies and military all want to kill you.

Spoiler

Prototype

It is a very old game because it is very ugly. You can destroy everything and build anything you want, there are some green cactusmen who explode and destroy everything you build.

Spoiler

minecraft

 

[bigfatcarp93]

Okay, so what about that game where everything's really white and your have to keep jumping around because a voice in the air tells you to? And you've got that claw thing and there's that one guy ranting about shit?

Spoiler

Portal 2

 

[MeChaNiZ3D]

You get concussed and lose your memory just as you arrive at some village, and you dedicate the rest of your life to killing animals and wearing their skins.

Spoiler

Monster Hunter

 

[IamLEAM1983]

"So you're this guy, see? Some science shit happens and now you gotta get out from this, uh, place you're in! There's people dying and oh - it's actually in the desert and there's zombies but not *really* zombies, y'know?

So you leave this compound thing and you fight a bunch of tentacles and then BOOM, this douchebag locks you up in a dark room. It's like, fuck this, man! At least Halo makes, like, sense and shit! This is all, like, physics and aliens and shit and the best guns are way too fucking late in the game.

The ending's a total cocktease, too. S'like 'Thanks for playing my game, numbnuts, but you don't get an ending because I'm super clever and you're just an asshole.' Yeah, fuck you. Buy the sequel that's going to take for fucking ever to show up and even THEN shit won't make sense.

Fuck you, Sierra. Fuck you."

Spoiler

Half-Life

"So you're on this island and shit, and there's lots of machines and stuff only you're alone and nobody tells you what to do. There isn't even a fucking tutorial! Man, CoD: BlOps at least gives me objectives and shit! What is this game, 'Stand Around Like an Asshole Looking at Some Cheap-Ass Pre-Rendered Graphics'? Bet you the devs were a bunch of artsy-fartsy gaylords or some shit like that.

Gimme a gun, at least! I'll use it to fucking shoot myself! Fuck!"

Spoiler

Myst

"Man, this is, like, the best fucking game ever! There's helicopter shootouts and guns and cars blowing up and guns and Russians and Arabs and sand and snow and GUNS! Oh, and the storyline actually makes sense, not like this gay Lord of the Rings crap you keep playing where you keep running around all damn day and scream at people for no fucking reason.

I mean, what's the deal with that? You see some zombie dude and you're, like, 'WAAAUUGH!' and he's like, thrown across the fucking room only that doesn't kill him so it's pretty fucking gay.

You should play real games, dude. Like that, uh... Shit, I forgot what it's called."

Spoiler

Every CoD ever made, with a cameo from Skyrim.

To be fair, I did that from the perspective of some of my youngest cousin's typical friends, who apparently can't wrap their heads around games that don't feature foreign antagonists, modern firearms or generic Space Opera protagonists and future firearms.

 

[COMaestro]

You can play as a guy or a girl and your in some town, then you go to some strange world and you capture weird creatures in order to fight off other creatures.

Spoiler: Not Pokemon!

Folklore

 

[DoomyMcDoom]

What is that you're playing? Oh god, that's horrible, why is everything you play so violent?

Spoiler

Anything that isn't sim city, or the sims... My mom, is not a gamer... Well, not much of one anyway, she used to play Civ 2 and eventually 3 with me back in the day, and she was always the more agressive of us, so I've always found it funny, since she would always start shit with other countries who annoyed her, and then I would roll over them with big fresh armies and save her civilization when she got too overloaded with wars... Fun times...

 

[ImperialSunlight]

"So, like, you're a really short elf guy and you go around the world and you meet these cat people... and other people... and you kill zombies... and other things... and you go into places with people on the screen and you eat stuff and you fight other people... "

Spoiler

Guild Wars 2

 

[Palademon]

"So you're like, a bald dude, and you have electric guns or whatever, and you kill aliens and zombies and robots"

Spoiler

Timesplitters

 

[Wolf In A Bear Suit]

Pointy helmet kills the lizard by nagging them and calling them rude names in Welsh. Then you kind of walk around and knock goats off of mountains and stuff like that.

 

[Zykon TheLich_v1legacy]

You're like, in a car and you race other cars...

Spoiler

Rage racer

 

[FootloosePhoenix]

Ok, so you're this Kid looking for his Friends and you make all sorts of new friends and there are these monsters and they just really don't care but you have a key so your the choosen one except you aren't but actually you kinda are.

Seriously, I want someone to try and figure it out.

The "key" bit made it obvious; Kingdom Hearts. Or maybe I was just way too obsessed with that series a few years back.

 

[lacktheknack]

"So you're this guy, see? Some science shit happens and now you gotta get out from this, uh, place you're in! There's people dying and oh - it's actually in the desert and there's zombies but not *really* zombies, y'know?

So you leave this compound thing and you fight a bunch of tentacles and then BOOM, this douchebag locks you up in a dark room. It's like, fuck this, man! At least Halo makes, like, sense and shit! This is all, like, physics and aliens and shit and the best guns are way too fucking late in the game.

The ending's a total cocktease, too. S'like 'Thanks for playing my game, numbnuts, but you don't get an ending because I'm super clever and you're just an asshole.' Yeah, fuck you. Buy the sequel that's going to take for fucking ever to show up and even THEN shit won't make sense.

Fuck you, Sierra. Fuck you."

Spoiler

Half-Life

"So you're on this island and shit, and there's lots of machines and stuff only you're alone and nobody tells you what to do. There isn't even a fucking tutorial! Man, CoD: BlOps at least gives me objectives and shit! What is this game, 'Stand Around Like an Asshole Looking at Some Cheap-Ass Pre-Rendered Graphics'? Bet you the devs were a bunch of artsy-fartsy gaylords or some shit like that.

Gimme a gun, at least! I'll use it to fucking shoot myself! Fuck!"

Spoiler

Myst

"Man, this is, like, the best fucking game ever! There's helicopter shootouts and guns and cars blowing up and guns and Russians and Arabs and sand and snow and GUNS! Oh, and the storyline actually makes sense, not like this gay Lord of the Rings crap you keep playing where you keep running around all damn day and scream at people for no fucking reason.

I mean, what's the deal with that? You see some zombie dude and you're, like, 'WAAAUUGH!' and he's like, thrown across the fucking room only that doesn't kill him so it's pretty fucking gay.

You should play real games, dude. Like that, uh... Shit, I forgot what it's called."

Spoiler

Every CoD ever made, with a cameo from Skyrim.

To be fair, I did that from the perspective of some of my youngest cousin's typical friends, who apparently can't wrap their heads around games that don't feature foreign antagonists, modern firearms or generic Space Opera protagonists and future firearms.

I made it to "Fuck you, Sierra" before I burst out laughing.

And that Myst one strikes really close to home here. I love Myst, it's one of my favorite series. I'm more or less the ONLY person my age who likes it.

 

[neonsword13-ops]

"Is that the one with the blue guys and the red guys and then they shoot each other?"

Spoiler

Team Fortress 2. He actually has this one down pretty well.

 

[Squilookle]

"What's that game you play, son? You know, the one where you're like a fluffy mouse or possum or something, and you go round this cutesy word doing things, except it's not really cutesy at all because it's kinda crass and everyone around you tends to swear like sailors, which is kind of out of place on a kids game, don't you think?

You know- the one where one minute you're in that nightclub and you're unzipping the pants that you don't even wear and urinating on those big guys who don't like it at all, and going to that giant hill made out of chocolate... at least I think it was chocolate... and then suddenly you're in the goriest war ever with guy's heads exploding and limbs blowing off and stuff.

Oh and it has teddy bears everywhere too."

Spoiler

Conker's Bad Fur Day

 

[Uncle Comrade]

I have conversations like this with my dad all the time. Usually when he's telling me about some new game my stepbrother's been playing.

Dad: Luke got that game. The one you were talking about.
Me: Oh yeah? Which one's that?
Dad: The one where you're looking around the place and then things and people come to kill you, but you use your powers to knock them over and kill them, and then you take things off them to upgrade yourself with.
Me: Skyrim...?
Dad: I don't know. Here, I'll let you talk to him.
Me: Okay.
Stepbro: Hey man.
Me: Alright?
Stepbro: I got the new Dawn of War.
Me: Oh, cool.

Sometimes he's so vague I can't even tell what genre the mystery game is.

OT: "So you're flying about, and there's people chasing you, and you have to send your men around to all the rooms, and there's people you fight and you can get better weapons or more men when you beat them, but if you die you have to start all over again."

Spoiler

FTL: Faster Than Light

 

[holographicman]

an elf and a rat fight bandits and lizards and robots and a bureaucrat and evil aliens

and i dont know how to put in a spoiler

 

[Jopoho]

"How come this isn't the plane scene? They better at least have the carnival one. Isn't Price a sniper anyway? Dude's gotta have his pipe."

Spoiler

Any Rainbow Six game. He wants one that follows the book.

 

[IamLEAM1983]

I made it to "Fuck you, Sierra" before I burst out laughing.

Glad to be of service.

I'm also a big Myst fan, I'm just disappointed in how one of PC gaming's flagship genres more or less lost all of its appeal when the FPS ball really got rolling.

 

[Valanthe]

Whee, this was fun, though as my dad really does describe games like this, most of them I was able to get, you guys did get a few good curveballs in though, so it's only fair if I try a few.

First from an actual conversation, slightly edited to make it harder to guess straight away:

Hey, do you still play that game, the one with all the zombies, remember, where you wasted the entire day running through a forest?

Spoiler: Yeah, not a difficult one

DayZ

And then let's try a few on my own:

Hey, what's that game, where you're the chick with the eye tattoo and everything's all blindingly white?

Spoiler

Mirror's Edge

Dude, did you try that game, it's like, in space, and you're like, a total badass, and you gotta save the galaxy from a bunch of giant robots nobody else believes exists?

Spoiler

Mass Effect

 

[chadachada123]

You ever play that one where you're a dude or dudette or even a robot from a list of dudes/ettes/robots and you go around smashing the other dudes. The more you smash a dude, the farther he flies.

Oh, and you can only move in two dimensions.

Spoiler

Super Smash Bros

That one where it's legalized dogfighting while roaming the landscape.

Spoiler: Yeah, this shouldn't be too difficult.

Pokemon