Gaming Parents

[MasterChief892039]

That woman needs to know her place, keep quiet, and make that man a sandwich....




oh god I am so just joking XD

You may be just joking, but that's something that us chicks on the internet or who game online hear daily, or even hourly.

I wouldn't say it's "offensive" but it's incredibly obnoxious and unoriginal, and if you had any respect for yourself or women you wouldn't bother with that drivel.

 

[kouriichi]

Ugh.
Another person talking about someone being "addicted to gaming".
Would it be better if he spent 5 hours a day watching sports, and spending THOUSANDS of dollars on tickets?
Or how about 5 hours a day on exercize, and purchasing THOUSANDS of dollars on equiptment?

Every human is "addicted" to something.

Most women are addicted to theyer apperance. They spend hundreds of dollars on creams, eyeliner, lipstick/lipgloss, and waxing. They carry most of those around with them! Lets not forget about EXPENSIVE dresses, "designer" jeans, and ugly beyond all belife handbags.

What about car addicts? They spend TENS OF THOUSANDS on old cars they cant even drive in the winter. They buy motorcycles they wreck and cripple themselfs on.

We need to get over this whole: "addicted to" phase were going through as a race. Everyone's addicted to money. Everyones addicted to being complemented. Everyone is addicted to complaining about things.

More on the OT: I myself am marryed. ((wife of two years and friend of 4)) Yes, at times she complains i play videogames to much, and its probably true. But we both are dedicated to making sure our relationship works. Addiction or not, video games arnt something to constantly blaim for bad things happening. Like that one chick who was playing farmville and killed that baby.
Is it the games fault, or the fact she was just a bad babysitter? What if she was watching TV insted? Would we be blaiming that, or just saying she was insane? What if she was on the phone?

Videogames have become a scapegoat. Like music was :/

 

[Danish rage]

Im a dad, and most of this is so far from the real world as it gets.
It all comes down to the individual and how they manage stuff.

A woman lost interest in her hobby and now demands the husband does the same for the sake of "growing up". Blaahhh.Don´t go away angry woman, just go away.

 

[PurplePlatypus]

I agree with feeling like we need to delve deeper into the situation. She says that the husband throws a tantrum if he doesn't get five hours in. What exactly constitutes "tantrum" to the wife? I've seen reactions misinterpreted and blown out of proportion. There's always the possibility that she's reading too much into his reactions. Understandably, she now has a huge burden to take care of and wants as much support from her husband as well. Feeling left out by the husband as well as lack of sleep and energy from taking care of the baby can easily cloud responses to people's reactions.

She also states that they were both "addicted", but is this really the case? 5 hours may sound like addiction to one person and perfectly normal time to dedicate to a hobby to the next person. Again, we're not getting the full story.

I don't want to say that the husband's definitely wrong or that the wife's totally wrong. It's just that there needs to be more here than what we've been given, since it's only one side to the story. I totally agree with Dr. Mark that there needs to be open discussion between the two parties, but I just don't want to immediately brand the father as a "bad dad" without further investigation.

This is the problem with hearing one side of the story after all.
I suspect she may be bitter over him being able to keep this time to himself when she has more willingly given it up at this point. Although if he did give up some of his free time she may be able to reclaim some of hers.

 

[Artlover]

That said, I hope he sees that a baby, while hard to work, is worth far more than any game!

Got that right. A good baby can go for several hundred thousand dollars on the black market.



jk.

 

[VondeVon]

The kind of husband who "...has fits, throws tantrums, and gets restless." sounds like a waste of space right off the bat.

I can understand blowing too much time on something to unwind. My personal vice is reading. When I'm stressed out or had a long day or even just want to relax, I'll pick up a book and switch off the world until I absolutely have to go to bed.

But, if I had a kid, that just wouldn't be acceptable. Maybe you need to just have it out with him. Set a time when he (and you) can game, trusting that the baby is being cared by the other. Roster your time so that he can see you're equally sacrificing, maybe. If you're a stay-at-home Mum, he may feel that you get free time during the day whenever the baby naps that he doesn't get.

Oh, and I laughed at how having a pet may push a husband further down the ranking. Heh.

 

[GothmogII]

I have a bit of a problem with the woman who wrote in here. While I agree that the husband here is acting like an immature child, with the way the wife said "My husband and I grew up with video games. It was alright until both of us needed to grow up for real. He joined the air force, and we had a baby" She was saying that the only people who play games are those that haven't "grown up for real". It seems that she is implying that games are strictly for children, and those adults that enjoy the hobby are immature. Maybe i'm wrong here, but that's what it seems like she's saying at the beginning.

I agree that the husband is acting immature, but, replace videogames with watching football or drinking and suddenly he's not immature, just neglectful. Really? I mean, I've seen fathers who'll readily admit to spending the most of their leisure time down in the pub away from their families, and that's somehow a-okay because it's 'the thing to do'. It's dumb, but that's the way it is I guess. :/

I understand the wording comes from the fact that that majority (rare that you can actually use the word majority and actually be right) of video and computer games are basically childish or adolescent fantasies (not that that's always a bad think) on the surface and even in depth, but again, either videogames are mind-numbering addictive or the people who dole out and receive the most complaints about their habits maybe aren't really the sort of people who ought to be playing in the first place.

Good article though, husband's attitude is crummy, and I disagree with the wife's assessment of games in general, but interesting to look at.

 

[Sarah Frazier]

Quitting anything that has become a major part of daily life, so much as to be called an addiction, is a very daunting task. There are many ways to tackle the problem, but I always prefer the slow and less stressful options before jumping into the deep end when trying to change something. See if he will at least try to cut half an hour of play time for a while, even if it means setting a schedule so he doesn't keep getting 'five more minutes' that lasts well past the half hour cut-out. This won't be easy if he plays MMOs and raids the entire time but mature gamers should accept the fact that real life should come first, especially if it involves a newborn.

If all else fails, try to get in touch with whoever he spends all that time with and explain that to them. Tell them that there is a newborn now and you would like it if your husband would spend a little more time offline to bond and do daddy things. They may understand that, or not, and the husband may get upset that you were telling his friends to tell him to do something less fun than gaming. It's still worth a try if he can't break the habit himself and needs encouragement from those he spends so much time with.

There's also the option of getting outside help to get it through his head that he's a grown up now and has something that shouldn't be pushed onto someone else. Family members, real life friends, or a priest (if you go to church) would probably have some story to tell about parenting. It should be kept as a last resort if more subtle methods get blown off.

Not sure if that all helps, but I thought some more ideas on how to talk to him would be nice.

 

[Dimensional Vortex]

What I think needs to be mentioned is: That if the father just stopped playing video games entirely, does his wife really think that he is just going to only care about the child? Of course he won't, his time would then be spent watching television, going out with friends drinking and other mentally (and sometimes physically) addictive practices.

I agree, this man is now a father, he needs to look after his child, sure he can play games a lot too but his child should be his first priority. The husband may be acting immature but he has just given up something that he has had with throughout his life, if someone told you to give up Television or Book reading you would definitely be getting restless and immature.

 

[Cliff_m85]

That woman needs to know her place, keep quiet, and make that man a sandwich....




oh god I am so just joking XD

Moderator Edit: If you are thinking of making a discriminatory joke, then don't. They aren't welcome here.

You can make another baby in six months. It takes YEARS to make a decent game.

 

[mikev7.0]

That woman needs to know her place, keep quiet, and make that man a sandwich....




oh god I am so just joking XD

Moderator Edit: If you are thinking of making a discriminatory joke, then don't. They aren't welcome here.

Hey moderator are you kidding?? If they aren't welcome here then how come they're EVERYWHERE on this site! The featured content are the worst offenders, seriously!

 

[Alphalpha]

While I don't read your articles as often as I should, they are always interesting and thought-provoking.

It's definitely important to have a good idea of what you're getting into before having a child. Upon reflecting upon my life and those of my parents, I feel I've come close to truly appreciating the gravity of parenthood, one which makes me wary of seeking it lightly.

 

[xdom125x]

It was an interesting article but I just think the guy enjoys playing video games which the girl seems to think equals playing with childrens toys. That is ridiculous logic. It would be like saying if a person likes watching movies they haven't grown up, because hey, they watched movies as a child.

 

[mkline]

Quitting anything that has become a major part of daily life, so much as to be called an addiction, is a very daunting task. There are many ways to tackle the problem, but I always prefer the slow and less stressful options before jumping into the deep end when trying to change something. See if he will at least try to cut half an hour of play time for a while, even if it means setting a schedule so he doesn't keep getting 'five more minutes' that lasts well past the half hour cut-out. This won't be easy if he plays MMOs and raids the entire time but mature gamers should accept the fact that real life should come first, especially if it involves a newborn.

If all else fails, try to get in touch with whoever he spends all that time with and explain that to them. Tell them that there is a newborn now and you would like it if your husband would spend a little more time offline to bond and do daddy things. They may understand that, or not, and the husband may get upset that you were telling his friends to tell him to do something less fun than gaming. It's still worth a try if he can't break the habit himself and needs encouragement from those he spends so much time with.

There's also the option of getting outside help to get it through his head that he's a grown up now and has something that shouldn't be pushed onto someone else. Family members, real life friends, or a priest (if you go to church) would probably have some story to tell about parenting. It should be kept as a last resort if more subtle methods get blown off.

Not sure if that all helps, but I thought some more ideas on how to talk to him would be nice.

These are all useful ideas--very helpful--thanks for adding them to the discussion!

 

[Luke Cartner]

I know from my own experience as a new dad the transition was not easy.
What my wife did was simply say, that fine but you need to hold/look after him while you game.
The beauty of new born's opposed to toodlers is they are happy to spend time with the dad wife much focus on them.
As the child gets older and your husband bonds with the child he will naturally 'ween' himself off gaming to focus on the child, well thats what happened with me anyways..

 

[Therumancer]

This is missing some key information, like what the wife/mother does with her time. Does she work, or is she a stay at home homemaker? I'd imagine the first is true, since society is based around two income families.

Right now our social order is a problem, and there are no easy solutions, since everyone has to work, women (for obvious reasons) don't like the idea of giving up employment en-masse even if it was possible to be homemakers, and of course there are a lot of demands being made of parents who simply put aren't there. When this kid goes to school as opposed to being a baby it's just going to get worse for them probably, society has such a huge problem with "Latchkey kids" because of how things work right now.

Simply put the way how things worked the best, and the "standard" nucleus for human relations was a situation where the mom stays home all day keeping the house and raising the children, while the man of the family goes out and works all day, and then retires to a den or study to do whatever interests him to deal with the stress of the day. Things like the family dinner, and weekend outings and such being a centerpiece of family life because that's when everyone is recharged (so to speak) and together.

Now a lot of people don't like that, and will talk about the oppression it represents towards women, and/or how the whole stereotypical 50s-esque presentation is wrong on general principle. Sociologically though things developed like that because it was solid, and it worked, it's been largely over the last few decades that we've been playing serious havoc with that and dealing with these kinds of problems.

If dad, is the one doing the working and the sole supporter for his family, then really mom needs to back off when it comes to his video gaming. Differant people deal with the pressures of work in differant ways, and honestly what he's doing is relatively harmless compared to getting sloshed every day. Most guys DO have a hobby, it's just that they vary and video gaming is simply a recent time waster, compared to a more quintessential thing like tinkering with cars or playing around in a workshop. The change of life from a couple to a family with a child is one where dropping all the responsibility and pressure on him is going to ruin what you have as much as anything.

Of course none of that applies if both of them are working, at which point it's pretty much a "welcome to modern America". No matter what's written down, or who you talk to, there is no solution since both parents work and NEED to, both parents are stressed out and want the other to do things while they recharge, and as time goes on simply trying to balance this all is going to lead to a lot of misery and strife. Some people can make it work, but it generally blows chips for everyone involved, and is responsible for a lot of the tensions in society as it exists now.

Do NOT misunderstand this, I'm not saying that properly we should get into some kind of "shuddup and get back in the kitchen" joke turned real here. Simply that these problems are the price we pay for sufferage. In some cases I believe the man could be the home maker instead, however I *DO* think women are better suited for child rearing when it comes to empathy and temperment.

 

[viking97]

he seriously needs to grow up. i love gaming, but seriously so many things are more important. game at night if you need to, but for the love of god don't throw a tanty, you baby.

jus sayinn.

 

[Dastardly]

Ask Dr. Mark 16: Gaming Parents

A new baby is here and Dad just won't put down the game.

Read Full Article

Having seen and mediate an issue like this with my sister and brother-in-law, I can certainly understand both sides as well. The key is, to go all cliché, communication--not so much what to communicate, but how.

Things for Mom to remember:

1. You have had 9+ months of the stark reality of parenthood implanting in your mind, due to the fact that you carried the child. In a sense, this period has benefited your transition. It is the nature of our species that men don't carry the child... which also means gestation doesn't do quite as much to mentally prep us for the constant influence of a child. It took time for you, though yours started sooner. Allow this process to take time for him, as well. That means really keeping an eye out for the "Are you there yet?" behaviors you'll be tempted to exhibit toward him... which will really just make escapist leisure activities even more tempting.

2. Remember that he is not your child. Conversations must be discussions. You can propose limits, but you cannot impose limits. How you make these observations and requests can have a tremendous impact on response.

3. It's hard, but beware resentment. It's easy to feel that you've already spent nine months in constant charge of the child, and the burden henceforth should be a neat-and-tidy 50/50 split. It rarely works that way, for a million reasons both societal and biological, but it's an understandable expectation. It's also very easy, when you're dealing with a baby that won't be still, sleep, or what-have-you, to watch your partner playing video games and resent the fact that they're enjoying that while you're cleaning up even more poop. Strive to be aware of when these feelings are justified... and those moments when, really, they're not.

4. Specificity. This was a huge dealbreaker between my sis and bro-in-law, because my sister simply wouldn't listen on this point. In your head, you have already worked out your expectations for yourself, your child, and your husband. In all likelihood, you haven't communicated 100% of those to the others, which is just fine (and good, in fact). But remember that.

Don't just tell your husband to "Stop playing and help." When you want him to stop, make it to do something particular: "Can you hold Baby while I take a shower?" or "Could you heat up the bottle real quick?" Put the emphasis on what you'd like him to do, not what you'd like him to stop doing. If there's not a particular task, and nothing would be served by pulling him away from the game... don't (see #3). Consider joining him for a moment, in fact.

Communicate your expectations clearly. Maybe even make a chart. Ask for help when you need it, and please, do not get frustrated when he does not anticipate your needs. It's just not how most people work. But I'm sure if you ask, he'll do it.

THINGS FOR DAD TO REMEMBER:

1. You've got a lot of learning to do, too. Most of it is on-the-job training, so you'll need to be on-the-job. Be prepared to step away from the game frequently, and choose games that are conducive to that. (You can't pause MMOs, for instance.)

2. It's not one versus the other--baby versus games. The only way to tackle these new challenges is to engage them fully and begin integrating them into your routine. You'll find room for both, but only by doing both.

3. You are an equal partner, not Assistant Parent. She deserves breaks, too. Sometimes we tend to help only when the other parent is doing something else--we'll prepare the bottle while she's changing, or we'll change the baby while she's getting the bath ready. That's not the same as giving her a break--she's still working during that time.

4. Spend time with her, too. In my humble opinion, too many beginning parents fall into the trap of everything in the marriage being about the baby... and they forget how to relate to each other as friends, lovers, and partners. Add to this the occasional communication problems (like those surrounding this issue), and it's a healthy recipe for silent resentment that can be poised to last for, oh, say 18 years? Your first love is your wife. So, be sure to make some time for her in between "baby chores," instead of always heading straight back to the games. You're not balancing two things (baby and games). You're balancing three (baby, wife, and games). Make room.

 

[Dastardly]

If all else fails, try to get in touch with whoever he spends all that time with and explain that to them. Tell them that there is a newborn now and you would like it if your husband would spend a little more time offline to bond and do daddy things. They may understand that, or not, and the husband may get upset that you were telling his friends to tell him to do something less fun than gaming. It's still worth a try if he can't break the habit himself and needs encouragement from those he spends so much time with.

I tend to shy away from ever advising someone to "go around" a person. Even when you say, "When all else fails...," simply knowing the option is available makes it more enticing. Why? It's easier. Instead of confronting my husband, I can sic his friends on him... or talk about the problem to someone who can't really do anything about it. In most cases, if it seems all methods of communicating with the husband have failed, it's almost always because they weren't all tried, or tried correctly.

It is absolutely, positively essential that she speak directly with the husband as an equal partner. Anything else sets a truly dangerous precedent for future communication. And the husband will certainly resent being treated in that way--the only people we don't speak directly to about things like this are very young children and pets, and he is neither.

There's also the issue that his pool of gaming friends represents his "me territory." Everyone should have some. Subverting this by trying to turn his friends into communication surrogates can do a lot of damage to several relationships... and they can negatively impact the relaxation of this leisure activity, which will actually cause him to more aggressively seek escapism to compensate.

Still, it's good to offer suggestions, it's just that one I'd caution against.

 

[Dastardly]

This is missing some key information, like what the wife/mother does with her time. Does she work, or is she a stay at home homemaker? I'd imagine the first is true, since society is based around two income families.

I'm in complete agreement that all we're given to work with her is one side of the story--one which, at least as it was presented to us, doesn't contain any specific examples. It is our tendency, when talking about these sorts of problems, to speak in broad generalities (He/You ALWAYS does/do this, and NEVER does/do that), and to only show our understanding of one side of the problem. This makes mediation difficult.

We have to guard against our tendency, when we "seek advice" for things, to actually be seeking:

1. Someone to agree with us.
2. Someone to tell us how to fix the other person.