Mark J Kline said:
Ask Dr. Mark 16: Gaming Parents
A new baby is here and Dad just won't put down the game.
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Having seen and mediate an issue like this with my sister and brother-in-law, I can certainly understand both sides as well. The key is, to go all cliché, communication--not so much
what to communicate, but
how.
Things for Mom to remember:
1. You have had 9+ months of the stark reality of parenthood implanting in your mind, due to the fact that you carried the child. In a sense, this period has benefited your transition. It is the nature of our species that men don't carry the child... which also means gestation doesn't do quite as much to mentally prep us for the constant influence of a child. It took time for you, though yours started sooner. Allow this process to take time for him, as well. That means really keeping an eye out for the "Are you there yet?" behaviors you'll be tempted to exhibit toward him... which will really just make escapist leisure activities even more tempting.
2. Remember that he is not your child. Conversations must be
discussions. You can
propose limits, but you cannot
impose limits. How you make these observations and requests can have a tremendous impact on response.
3. It's hard, but beware resentment. It's easy to feel that you've already spent nine months in constant charge of the child, and the burden henceforth should be a neat-and-tidy 50/50 split. It rarely works that way, for a million reasons both societal and biological, but it's an understandable expectation. It's also very easy, when you're dealing with a baby that won't be still, sleep, or what-have-you, to watch your partner playing video games and resent the fact that they're enjoying that while you're cleaning up
even more poop. Strive to be aware of when these feelings are justified... and those moments when, really, they're not.
4. Specificity. This was a
huge dealbreaker between my sis and bro-in-law, because my sister simply wouldn't listen on this point. In your head, you have already worked out your expectations for yourself, your child, and your husband. In all likelihood, you haven't communicated 100% of those to the others, which is just fine (and good, in fact). But remember that.
Don't just tell your husband to "Stop playing and help." When you want him to stop, make it to do something particular: "Can you hold Baby while I take a shower?" or "Could you heat up the bottle real quick?" Put the emphasis on what you'd like him to do, not what you'd like him to stop doing. If there's not a particular task, and nothing would be served by pulling him away from the game... don't (see #3). Consider joining him for a moment, in fact.
Communicate your expectations clearly. Maybe even make a chart. Ask for help when you need it, and
please, do not get frustrated when he does not anticipate your needs. It's just not how most people work. But I'm sure if you ask, he'll do it.
THINGS FOR DAD TO REMEMBER:
1. You've got a lot of learning to do, too. Most of it is on-the-job training, so you'll need to be on-the-job. Be prepared to step away from the game frequently, and choose games that are conducive to that. (You can't pause MMOs, for instance.)
2. It's not one versus the other--baby versus games. The only way to tackle these new challenges is to engage them fully and begin integrating them into your routine. You'll find room for both, but only by
doing both.
3. You are an equal partner, not Assistant Parent. She deserves breaks, too. Sometimes we tend to help only when the other parent is doing something else--we'll prepare the bottle while she's changing, or we'll change the baby while she's getting the bath ready. That's not the same as giving her a break--she's still working during that time.
4. Spend time with her, too. In my humble opinion, too many beginning parents fall into the trap of everything in the marriage being about the baby... and they forget how to relate to each other as friends, lovers, and partners. Add to this the occasional communication problems (like those surrounding this issue), and it's a healthy recipe for silent resentment that can be poised to last for, oh, say 18 years? Your
first love is your wife. So, be sure to make some time for her in between "baby chores," instead of always heading straight back to the games. You're not balancing two things (baby and games). You're balancing three (baby, wife, and games). Make room.
