Gay guy needs yer help.

[blankedboy]

So, I finally decided to make this thread. I'll probably sound straaaange at times, but it's 20 past 11 as I'm writing this, can you blame me? .-.

So yeah, I'm gay. My brother knows, a couple of my friends know. My parents and most of my friends, don't know. The trouble is, having them not know is giving me this really core-deep crampy feeling, I can literally feel the weight in my stomach. It's horrible. I've gone into a smallish depression from it, and I'm only 14 and know that now is a pretty bad time to come out to my parents (what with my dad travelling all over the island with work and stufs, and my mum being at work for half of every day), and now that the school year's over I can only tell my friends at the end-o-year party coming up or over IM. I still really want to come out to everyone regardless... pff, there's one other problem. From what I've deducted, my dad's homophobic. How homophobic, I don't know, but it seems pretty bad. When we've had guests or family over for dinner and homosexuality comes up in the conversation (at this point i obviously get really interested but uncomfortable :S), he tends to change the subject. He doesn't ever mention it either, but it's clear that he and I are really... pff, against each other, I suppose. Not sure how to say it, but basically I've got a strong dislike for him and he does for me too.

Sorry about the wall-of-text, I'm not good with these. If anyone's got some ideas of what to do with any of these situations, please tell me. I'm in a pinch here :/

 

[The Cheezy One]

With little experience bar my cousin coming out to his Christian but understanding family, I can't help beyond the advice you probably don't need to hear - if your family love you, they'll accept you - but you've already stated you don't get on
My cousin had a load of problems coming out, mostly revolving around whether his grandfather, a daily mail reading old fashioned Christian would accept
His words, at the time, were "It's easier to forgive than your hair style" Genius
Most likely, the bigger deal you make of it, the more it will be hard for you.
Example (that seems tenuous, but does work in our current secular society): Me and a friend both admitted (if thats the word you use) to be Christians. Whereas I just sort of merged my life into being a Christian, treating it as open fact, this friend literally said in the middle of a lesson "f*ck it, I'm a Christian". This caught people by surprise, but no-one was bothered, making it a bit of an anti-climax.

 

[blankedboy]

Most likely, the bigger deal you make of it, the more it will be hard for you.

Yeah, I do realise this. From my point of view, I don't think of homosexuality as that much of a deal, when others come out to me I'm fully accepting (which was, um... once, from a german guy over the internet -.-)... however, I can't say the same for others. I'm pretty sure most of my friends will take it well, but it's a risk I'm on the fence about taking.

 

[Hashime]

Though I am probably the absolute worst person to comment on this topic I would suggest just telling them. Even if your dad is not fond of the idea he will come to an understanding eventually. Besides at your age it might just be a phase anyhow.

 

[Fawcks]

I would not mention it, especially at fourteen. :| I would keep it to myself. You can let your close friends know, but I'm not entirely understanding what is compelling you to tell your parents.

They don't need to know. I would go so far as to say most people (Aside from those within circles with members you intend to sleep with) should not know.

Then again, my parents personally tried to make me confess to being gay, saying they would be fine with it. They did this for weeks, several times a week, asking me if I was gay and assuring they would be supportive. When I rejected them enough times, they finally spilt the beans and said had I said "Yes", they would disown me and kick me out. So yeah, not telling them anything about my sexuality any time soon.

 

[GodofCider]

I'm in a pinch here :/

Why does your sexual preference matter in the least? So you like males, or females as the case may be; why does everyone else around you need to know this?

Less the topic comes up in conversation, I see no need to inform anyone of my sexual preference.

 

[Scobie]

DELETED

 

[Gigano]

I don't see any objective need to come out to them really, what your romantic preference is and who you're seeing wouldn't really be any of their business if you went out with girls, so why should it be with guys? Don't kiss and tell your mother, that was certainly my philosophy when I was younger, I wasn't too eager to fill her in on any girls I might have an interest in or what I might want to do with them, that belonged to my privacy.

On the other hand, it shouldn't be something that's necessary to go to any lengths to hide, and if you feel like that they should know already that's a reason in itself for telling them. Decent humans will accept homosexuality as a non-issue, and even half-decent parents will accept their kid for what it is despite some (initial) homophobia - especially if its founded in mere unfamiliarity and ignorance on the concept. Sometimes it only applies until it's about someone you care about. If it's founded in ideology or religion, then it's less likely to vanish though.

If you genuinely fear they'll react negatively to you, then waiting until you're capable of supporting yourself might be the tactically wiser choice, even if it's entirely unfair to have to hide such ethically neutral matter.

 

[Jamieson 90]

I would say wait untill you are financially dependent or at least untill you are 18. Its incredibly brave of you to tell some of your friends at 14. If I was gay and at that age I wouldn't have had the guts to do that.

Just consider the consequences. Right now your at one of the most important parts of your life. You have your education and prospects to consider. Not easy when your body is raving with hormones. If you come out now and they take it in a bad way then it could have a really bad effective on your schooling and college/university in the future. I think what is best is to make sure you can support yourself and that way if they don't take it well you can walk away from them without it totally messing up your life.

 

[Cupid]

Though I am probably the absolute worst person to comment on this topic I would suggest just telling them. Even if your dad is not fond of the idea he will come to an understanding eventually. Besides at your age it might just be a phase anyhow.

I have gone to school with both guys and girls at this age that swore they were gay, and later were bi, and later were straight. But I don't know your true feelings, maybe you are and it's not a phase, but if it will make you feel better in talking of it to your parents, I'd say to go for it. This is easy to say for me because I know my parents would embrace me no matter what, but I do know honesty of your feelings and letting those you love know will mean alot and much weight off of your shoulders. Good luck.

 

[blankedboy]

I'm in a pinch here :/

Why does your sexual preference matter in the least? So you like males, or females as the case may be; why does everyone else around you need to know this?

Less the topic comes up in conversation, I see no need to inform anyone of my sexual preference.

Yeah, but other people don't feel the same way about it. And I find myself MUCH more comfortable when I'm with people I've come out to, that 'weighed-down' feeling I mentioned doesn't seem to apply to them. What's causing that, I don't know.

Sorry about the wall-of-text

A paragraph is a wall of text these days?

Well it looked like a wall-of-text in the preview box.

I would say wait untill you are financially dependent or at least untill you are 18. Its incredibly brave of you to tell some of your friends at 14. If I was gay and at that age I wouldn't have had the guts to do that.

Just consider the consequences. Right now your at one of the most important parts of your life. You have your education and prospects to consider. Not easy when your body is raving with hormones. If you come out now and they take it in a bad way then it could have a really bad effective on your schooling and college/university in the future. I think what is best is to make sure you can support yourself and that way if they don't take it well you can walk away from them without it totally messing up your life.

Well, that's why I'm debating about telling them sometime in the next few weeks (whoa, that sounds close now that I put it down oO). The school year just finished, so I've got five or six weeks until it starts again, and if I get kicked out of the house, my aunt and uncle live down the road from me, and from their personality alone I can tell they'll be fine with it. So if worst comes to worst, my plan is to stay with them for a day or two... god, this is insane.

I'm not really sure how to end this post now... does anyone have some more ideas with the extra chunks of information here? :/

 

[GodofCider]

I'm in a pinch here :/

Why does your sexual preference matter in the least? So you like males, or females as the case may be; why does everyone else around you need to know this?

Less the topic comes up in conversation, I see no need to inform anyone of my sexual preference.

Yeah, but other people don't feel the same way about it. And I find myself MUCH more comfortable when I'm with people I've come out to, that 'weighed-down' feeling I mentioned doesn't seem to apply to them. What's causing that, I don't know.

This simply sounds odd to me. Consider for a moment this scenario:

Hey guys, I've been meaning to get this off my chest for quite some time, and I'd really feel better if you knew what genders I like to have sex with.

So...I'm heterosexual.

...why are you telling me whom you like to have sex with; and why does this matter in our nonsexual relationship?

 

[TheYellowCellPhone]

This is really dependent on how homophobic your dad is.

Ask yourself, what measures would he take if/when he found out?

Would he accept it, would he hate you, would he not care, would he send you off to a boarding school?

If you're afraid or cannot predict of what he may do, I'd keep it to myself. If you think he'd accept it or won't care, tell them.

 

[V TheSystem V]

My ex is now a lesbian (not because of me). Her friends were really understanding, those who weren't have been replaced with better friends. Her brother and sister were fine with it, but her parents were not. Her dad thinks it's just a phase but he won't talk to her about it, and her mother hates it. When she found out, she said she had to dump her then-girlfriend (she didn't, but they split up 4 days later), and she wouldn't even meet the girl she dated for 6 months. That's how much she hated it.

Someone else I know came out and her mother is Catholic. She hates it, but has grown to live with it, but still uses it against her whenever she gets annoyed. Homophobic, but is getting used to it.

I advise that you tell your mother if she doesn't share your dad's views. If she does, then tell them when you think the time is right. If they suspect something and they ask, don't deny it, but don't say yes either, see what their reaction is. If they hate you for it, at least your brother is accepting of you. Just choose the right time to tell them. Preferably not when you bring a guy home.

 

[Nimcha]

At 14, I think chances are your parents will not take you seriously even if you tell them. It might be that they will just think of it as a phase that you'll get over once you're through puberty. It's easy for them to think that, because it's reassuring. Now I'm not saying this will happen, I'm saying it is a possibility. And I can tell you from experience, not being taken seriously about an issue that affects you so much hurts. Maybe even more than it hurts to be in the closet.

 

[Jamieson 90]

I'm in a pinch here :/

Why does your sexual preference matter in the least? So you like males, or females as the case may be; why does everyone else around you need to know this?

Less the topic comes up in conversation, I see no need to inform anyone of my sexual preference.

Yeah, but other people don't feel the same way about it. And I find myself MUCH more comfortable when I'm with people I've come out to, that 'weighed-down' feeling I mentioned doesn't seem to apply to them. What's causing that, I don't know.

Sorry about the wall-of-text

A paragraph is a wall of text these days?

Well it looked like a wall-of-text in the preview box.

I would say wait untill you are financially dependent or at least untill you are 18. Its incredibly brave of you to tell some of your friends at 14. If I was gay and at that age I wouldn't have had the guts to do that.

Just consider the consequences. Right now your at one of the most important parts of your life. You have your education and prospects to consider. Not easy when your body is raving with hormones. If you come out now and they take it in a bad way then it could have a really bad effective on your schooling and college/university in the future. I think what is best is to make sure you can support yourself and that way if they don't take it well you can walk away from them without it totally messing up your life.

Well, that's why I'm debating about telling them sometime in the next few weeks (whoa, that sounds close now that I put it down oO). The school year just finished, so I've got five or six weeks until it starts again, and if I get kicked out of the house, my aunt and uncle live down the road from me, and from their personality alone I can tell they'll be fine with it. So if worst comes to worst, my plan is to stay with them for a day or two... god, this is insane.

I'm not really sure how to end this post now... does anyone have some more ideas with the extra chunks of information here? :/

I think Nimcha has a point, your parents could just not take you seriously at all which might not be a bad thing when you think about it, at least that way you told them. If you think your aunt and uncle will be more understanding then you might want to talk to them about it.

At least that way you will be getting it off your chest. Its good you can tell some of your friends but no disrespect to them they are still young like yourself and its good to get advice and support from an adult you trust.

That way if you decide to come out you have some support. Think about it though and plan ahead. You said you could stay at there house for a couple of days but then what? What you need is a long term solution in case it all goes wrong. At the age of 14 thats hard to do because you are still financially dependent and in the eyes of the law you don't really have any legal status other than being a minor.

I would just say this, THINK HARD, don't take a rash decision that you will regret. Hope I could help.

 

[quiet_samurai]

You know, I have a couple gay friends... gay guys, sice for some odd reason nobody really makes a big deal about lesbians. Anyways, they all come from the most homophobic families it seems. It's like there is some cosmic force out there that blesses anti gay people with gay children and relatives... I find it humorous, anyways.....

OT: That sounds like a difficult situation, I think the best thing for you to do is to maybe wait until you get a little older to really come out fully. It may be easier for them to accept it once you have established youself as an adult a little more and they may have an easier time...believeing...you, instead of just writing it off as an adolescant phase or confusion.

And about your father, he is either going to have to accept it or not. If he does, the that's great. If not, his loss... your his son, and if he doesn't accept you for who you are then don't worry, he isn't worth the time anyways.

I'm in a pinch here :/

Why does your sexual preference matter in the least? So you like males, or females as the case may be; why does everyone else around you need to know this?

Less the topic comes up in conversation, I see no need to inform anyone of my sexual preference.

Really? Probably because for ALOT of people their sexuality is a huge part of their identity. In fact I would probably say that si true for damn near most people in the world. Not only for the people themselves, but for the people around them as far as viewing them as a person.

 

[Valksy]

First off, I'm sorry your having a rough time mate. I understand what it is like to feel conflicted about living in secret or not and you want to be true to yourself (and yes, at 14 he is quite old enough to know).

Your first thought has to be towards your own personal safety. At age 14 your folks are still legally responsible for you and probably cannot force you from your home. If I was you I would begin by having a quick google to find any email/phone number for GLBTQ advocates in your country to make sure that you understand where you stand and what your rights might be. I don't know the info myself and I think that you should have a conversation with people who know what you are going through and can give you good and appropriate information practically and legally.

You say that you don't get on with your dad? How about your Mum? Are your folks still together? Can you steer the subject on to GLBTQ issues and try to get a feel for what she thinks if you don't know already.

I am sure that it is hard for you to deal with your mates at school too. Any idea of how out GLBTQ people are treated there? Again, stay safe. Getting your future life fucked up because some bloody school won't take care of bullying properly would be a terrible thing.

And I know that it is hard - I always told myself that if asked, I would never deny myself. I've managed to be true to that for 20 years or so now. But it can scare the shit out of you and if you really are not sure, then think carefully about what the ramifications would be if you were open. You don't have to be a hero for a cause and you don't have to put a bull's eye on yourself. You need to make the best of education/life now.

My gut instinct is to suggest that you play it quiet and close to your chest for a little while longer and use whatever domestic resources you have - I am sure that there is both gay advocacy and youth advocacy. Having someone you can talk to will make it easier.

And, in the words of The Trevor Project - It does get better. Really. It does. Sometimes it is hard but the tough times will pass. If you have to wait until you are away from home and in control of your life, that is OK too. You aren't being a bad guy by looking after yourself.

 

[SadisticPretzel]

All I can really offer is this: Come out to Aunt and Uncle first, if you haven't already. That way, if/when shit hits the fan with Mom and Dad, they'll know what's happening. It being a huge surprise to them as it happens would not work in your favor, and I bet they'd appreciate my route more.

Further, they might be able to help you with the conversation with your parents, especially if they happen to be Dad's brother/sister.

Obligatory "my experience" story: I didn't really feel a need to come out to my grandparents. They just found out when I got into a long-term relationship with another girl. At first, they blew it off as "a stage," and me "rebelling." At that point, they took the "ignore it and it will go away" approach to dealing with my lifestyle. They figured when I got serious with the guy who fathered my son, I'd grown out of it.

Then we put the baby up for adoption and never spoke again. Blew that idea out of the water.

10 years and several relationships on, I'm still Bisexual. I imagine they came to terms with it at some point. I've fallen out of favor with my family, but when we do speak, it doesn't come up.

 

[A Weary Exile]

If you and your dad do not like each other why should his opinion matter? If you and your mother get along I don't think you should keep it a secret from her any longer, have a private talk with her and say what needs to be said. If she's fine with it that's great, if she isn't that's too bad. If you think they may kick you out because of your homosexuality then I'd keep it secret until you have the means to provide for yourself, moral conundrums take a back seat to basic survival.

I apologize if this advice isn't very good, I tend to have a very detached attitude towards family ties, for instance I never understood how someone could "Love" their family members, but not like them, it's none or both with me. If this doesn't sound like you I would not take my advice.