Girlfriend and her close Guy Friend.

[aba1]

I have a friend, one who tends to flirt with anything or anyone that moves. Recently, as I live hours away from her, my girlfriend and him have started to hang out. I find out from my friends and her, that they are cuddling a hell of a lot. They have even been described as a couple by people. On the other side, she's going though tough times, and he is there for her. Am I justified at being pissed of at the both of them?

I recommend you get out of that relationship honestly. Literally not one day ago I broke up with my girlfriend of 7 years cheating on me with her "friend" in a similar situation. I am telling ya man get out of there.

 

[Abomination]

So... For anyone interested, we broke up. Now, I'm pretty damn upset and more than a little pissed.

Ah, 16 years old, I remember my emotional state when it came to girls back then.

It might not look like it now but this type of thing is for your own good. I take it she was also 16 and I can assure you that 16 year old girls do not know what they want, nor are they willing to tell anyone. When you get into your mid-20s you will find that (most) girls have grown out of that type of thing.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

Men and women can't be friends.

There, I said it.

It seems like they can be friends, it seems like they should be able to be friends, but eventually, someone is going to want to sleep with someone and then it really isn't a friendship anymore. Its this weird sexually charged thing, just don't bother trying to take a pretty lady to the close friend level, because eventually there will be arms round parts and awkward hugs and inappropriate cuddling.

Please do not assume that all male-female friendships are like this. Most of my friends (hell, nearly all of them) are male and I am not vain enough to assume that my male friends are somehow all secretly pining for me, because they aren't.

OT: Sorry to hear you broke up. It is a bit weird for someone to be cuddling with friends like that (but I guess some people are just naturally more touchy).
Let yourself be sad, but try not to hold a grudge.

I honestly thought the exact same as you. My entire life all my best friends were guys. We went everywhere together as a group. We did everything from bulding forts in the woods, playing poker, and playing basketball together and grew up together as good friends and I honestly thought that is all we were. Until, of course it was revealed at my 5yr highschool reunion that every single one of them had a crush on me, that they actually got into fist fights over it and made wagers as to "who would get me". Yes, it was a shock to say the least. I mean I knew a couple of them had expressed feelings to me, as well as having to punch one in the mouth when he kssed me without permission, but when I found this out, I lost hope in the male/ female pure friendship. I do believe females can become friends with males easily, but I think it is more difficult for males to do the same, and keep it that way. I still am friends with them, they are like brothers to me, but I do know that to them it was about more than friendship from their end. I had similar experience in college and from coworkers as well, where I thought we were friends, then they express they want more than that. I do not think that is a "vanity" issue, but rather a solemn realization.

From my perspective on this, I think it would be nice to have friendship with males without them having " other feelings" about it, I am just being forced to accept the fact that if it exists, it is a very hard thing to find.

 

[Phasmal]

I honestly thought the exact same as you. My entire life all my best friends were guys. We went everywhere together as a group. We did everything from bulding forts in the woods, playing poker, and playing basketball together and grew up together as good friends and I honestly thought that is all we were. Until, of course it was revealed at my 5yr highschool reunion that every single one of them had a crush on me, that they actually got into fist fights over it and made wagers as to "who would get me". Yes, it was a shock to say the least. I mean I knew a couple of them had expressed feelings to me, as well as having to punch one in the mouth when he kssed me without permission, but when I found this out, I lost hope in the male/ female pure friendship. I do believe females can become friends with males easily, but I think it is more difficult for males to do the same, and keep it that way. I still am friends with them, they are like brothers to me, but I do know that to them it was about more than friendship from their end. I had similar experience in college and from coworkers as well, where I thought we were friends, then they express they want more than that. I do not think that is a "vanity" issue, but rather a solemn realization.

From my perspective on this, I think it would be nice to have friendship with males without them having " other feelings" about it, I am just being forced to accept the fact that if it exists, it is a very hard thing to find.

I don't know. I am not saying I've not had a male friend who fancied me. I have, once.
But most of my male friends are in relationships, some are married and the others are also friends with (or related to) my boyfriend.

Even if one of them did have a crush on me at some point (which I doubt, I've had no evidence of anything like that), it doesn't cause any problems.
I mean, I just don't buy that people with the potential to be attracted to each other because they have the right genitals cannot be just platonic.
Otherwise, how do bisexual people have any friends?

 

[Random Argument Man]

So... For anyone interested, we broke up. Now, I'm pretty damn upset and more than a little pissed.

Bad news: You have every reasons to be pissed. It will probably take a while for the steam(anger) to go away.
Good news: It's a good occasion to move on and learn from the experience. You can learn to have better friends and an even better girlfriend.

Hang in there!

 

[Lilani]

I have a friend, one who tends to flirt with anything or anyone that moves. Recently, as I live hours away from her, my girlfriend and him have started to hang out. I find out from my friends and her, that they are cuddling a hell of a lot. They have even been described as a couple by people. On the other side, she's going though tough times, and he is there for her. Am I justified at being pissed of at the both of them?

All you have is heresy, so just go talk to her. Say it makes you uncomfortable because you don't trust your friend in that area. Don't be accusatory to her at first, make it clear that he is the problem and that his intentions might be different from hers.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

I honestly thought the exact same as you. My entire life all my best friends were guys. We went everywhere together as a group. We did everything from bulding forts in the woods, playing poker, and playing basketball together and grew up together as good friends and I honestly thought that is all we were. Until, of course it was revealed at my 5yr highschool reunion that every single one of them had a crush on me, that they actually got into fist fights over it and made wagers as to "who would get me". Yes, it was a shock to say the least. I mean I knew a couple of them had expressed feelings to me, as well as having to punch one in the mouth when he kssed me without permission, but when I found this out, I lost hope in the male/ female pure friendship. I do believe females can become friends with males easily, but I think it is more difficult for males to do the same, and keep it that way. I still am friends with them, they are like brothers to me, but I do know that to them it was about more than friendship from their end. I had similar experience in college and from coworkers as well, where I thought we were friends, then they express they want more than that. I do not think that is a "vanity" issue, but rather a solemn realization.

From my perspective on this, I think it would be nice to have friendship with males without them having " other feelings" about it, I am just being forced to accept the fact that if it exists, it is a very hard thing to find.

I don't know. I am not saying I've not had a male friend who fancied me. I have, once.
But most of my male friends are in relationships, some are married and the others are also friends with (or related to) my boyfriend.

Even if one of them did have a crush on me at some point (which I doubt, I've had no evidence of anything like that), it doesn't cause any problems.
I mean, I just don't buy that people with the potential to be attracted to each other because they have the right genitals cannot be just platonic.
Otherwise, how do bisexual people have any friends?

"gender" is not just based on genitals. Scans of Bisexual brains show they are actually "in between" the masculine and the feminine, and not in one or the other. I am not saying that it is impossible for " male gender" to make friends with females, I am saying that if it exists, it is something hard to find, the exception, not the rule. When I think about some of the things my male friends have said to me in regards to this, they have made it clear that it is not possible for them to be friends with a female without having sexual feelings for them. I honestly just think it is easier for females to consider males as only friends than it is for males to do the same with females, especially when they say things like, "It is hard for me to think about anything else with your breasts staring at me." Yes, I have actually had that said to me, and that is one of the milder comments.

 

[Caiphus]

So... For anyone interested, we broke up. Now, I'm pretty damn upset and more than a little pissed.

Hey mate, it's been 4 years since I was 16, but even now I look back on the shitty relationships that I had, if you can even call them that, and just facepalm. I know it's really tough at the time, I was punching walls, even. But don't let it get to you. This whole situation says absolutely nothing bad about you as a person; just move on and concentrate on other stuff for a while.

 

[Phasmal]

"gender" is not just based on genitals. Scans of Bisexual brains show they are actually "in between" the masculine and the feminine, and not in one or the other. I am not saying that it is impossible for " male gender" to make friends with females, I am saying that if it exists, it is something hard to find, the exception, not the rule. When I think about some of the things my male friends have said to me in regards to this, they have made it clear that it is not possible for them to be friends with a female without having sexual feelings for them. I honestly just think it is easier for females to consider males as only friends than it is for males to do the same with females, especially when they say things like, "It is hard for me to think about anything else with your breasts staring at me." Yes, I have actually had that said to me, and that is one of the milder comments.

I don't know. You may consider it rare in your experience, but it's common in mine.
Many of my friends are happily in relationships, they have no reason to say gross things to me (and we wouldn't be friends if they did).
I get a little irritated about this, as I've mostly male friends my entire life (by chance), and it's always been pretty uncomplicated. I feel like suggesting that all these guys must have been pining after me is just... silly.
I think if more people accepted the idea that it can be completely normal to be friends with people who are of the same gender as the one you can be attracted to is perfectly normal, maybe it'd happen more often.

EDIT: In short, I think things like `men and women cant be friends` is a self-fulfilling prophecy, and if we stopped saying stuff like that, it would probably be a lot easier.

 

[FancyNick]

As others said, you should talk to them about it. The cuddling thing is the part that worries me. Who the hell cuddles with there bf's friend or anyone other than their bf for that matter.

EDIT: Wow I was late. Sorry to hear about the break-up guy but you'll find someone else, someone better.

 

[repeating integers]

All you have is heresy, so just go talk to her. Say it makes you uncomfortable because you don't trust your friend in that area. Don't be accusatory to her at first, make it clear that he is the problem and that his intentions might be different from hers.

OT: Anyway, sorry this all went south for you. I'm reminded of a lyric - the love that you lost wasn't worth what it cost, and in time you'll be glad it's gone...

 

[Lilani]

Curses! Stupid spell check failed me.

 

[Lieju]

Find out what's actually going on.

What you seem to have is hearsay.
And what do you mean by 'she is going through tough times'?
Maybe any behaviour some people view as cuddling or couple-stuff is something totally innocent?

In any case, for people reading this it's like third-hand knowledge of what's going on. Some people told you things and you relayed it to the Internet asking for advice.
People on this forum have absolutely no way of knowing what's going on and if you should be pissed off.

 

[Tiger King]

This is why long-distance relationships just straight up don't work.

It's a lost cause, man.

oh i dunno...i work with a guy that met a girl from L.A. (us working in the uk) over the internet.
They are married now.

its down to the people in the relationship, you could have a couple that see each other everyday but one of them could still be cheating.

im not sure if his girlfriend and this guy are up to anything but from my experience this sort of thing usually ends up getting messy.
I think the op needs to 'educate' his pal in what is and isnt appropriate behaviour towards someone elses girl.
his friend should know better.

Edit:
Just saw the op broke up with his girlfriend. Sorry dude, hope your ok.

 

[Batou667]

Ditch her and get some new friends while you're at it.

Sorry for being so frank but theres no need to sugarcoat this. From what you've written in your post it doesn't sound like they're just friends.

EDIT: But obviously you should talk to them about it first - that is selfexplanatory. Just don't let either of them bullshit you.

+1 for this. It *might* be completely innocent, but even so, that kind of behaviour is completely out of order.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

"gender" is not just based on genitals. Scans of Bisexual brains show they are actually "in between" the masculine and the feminine, and not in one or the other. I am not saying that it is impossible for " male gender" to make friends with females, I am saying that if it exists, it is something hard to find, the exception, not the rule. When I think about some of the things my male friends have said to me in regards to this, they have made it clear that it is not possible for them to be friends with a female without having sexual feelings for them. I honestly just think it is easier for females to consider males as only friends than it is for males to do the same with females, especially when they say things like, "It is hard for me to think about anything else with your breasts staring at me." Yes, I have actually had that said to me, and that is one of the milder comments.

I don't know. You may consider it rare in your experience, but it's common in mine.
Many of my friends are happily in relationships, they have no reason to say gross things to me (and we wouldn't be friends if they did).
I get a little irritated about this, as I've mostly male friends my entire life (by chance), and it's always been pretty uncomplicated. I feel like suggesting that all these guys must have been pining after me is just... silly.
I think if more people accepted the idea that it can be completely normal to be friends with people who are of the same gender as the one you can be attracted to is perfectly normal, maybe it'd happen more often.

EDIT: In short, I think things like `men and women cant be friends` is a self-fulfilling prophecy, and if we stopped saying stuff like that, it would probably be a lot easier.

That is the thing, I don't consider discussing sex gross. Friends discuss their sexual encounters and sexual issues openly. I consider it perfectly normal and healthy to be able to discuss sex. However, with female friends we discuss sex openly, have sex toy parties and such, but with males they just don't seem to be able to handle such things without it becoming sexual towards you. This is why I feel that guys just can't hang with that.

 

[rbstewart7263]

The way you seem to be so defensive suggests that threesomes or moresomes are out of the equation.

A pity, because they're amazing.

Me and my girl are in an openly poly relationship, and I gotta admit, it's the best thing we've ever done. She has her guy, I have my girl, we have each other, they have each other... I won't say it's an orgy every night, but... It's certainly fun.

a girl suggested poly to me once and I was thinking " I cant marry more than one chick" perhaps thats not what she mean necessarily?....

 

[PeterMerkin69]

Personally I would still give it a shot so don't think this is a dismissal of the idea, but the only way that talking to them will accomplish anything is if they are romantically involved and choose to inform you of it. If she wants to keep you around and is just screwing someone else in the interim because she's bored or upset about something there's always the possibility that she'll deceive you. Unless you're going to hook her up to a polygamist's polygraph or you're exceptionally good at reading people, there's a decent chance you're not going to know much more than you do right now. Of course, they really could be innocent, but that's not what this is about. This is about you and your feelings, and if you're concerned now, you'll likely still be concerned later because of this.

As far as I can tell, you've got two options. If you're uncomfortable with the little you do know about the situation or the possibility that she's cheating on you then you should just pull the ripcord. Her problems aren't yours, don't let them prevent you from looking out for yourself and there's always more fish--and friends--in the sea. Alternatively, if you're really, really into her, or you really, really value his friendship, you'd be better off waiting it out and seeing if they slip up or if time proves you paranoid. Or perhaps just until you get over the idea, which probably will happen if you wait long enough and you don't hear any more wicked rumors about them. Doing anything else is just a waste of time and energy at this point.

No matter how avidly society promotes monogamy/monoandry, it really goes against human nature. Jealously is such a useless emotion. If you can't trust your current partner, it's time to cast the line & hook another fish.

Untrue. Jealousy is the little flashing alarm that tells us when to cast another line, and it's motivation to ward against potential rivals. Men benefit by reducing their chances of squandering precious resources on rearing other men's children and women benefit by hanging onto their mates long enough to see their offspring through adolescence. Sometimes adaptive traits become maladaptive over time, but I still don't think that's entirely true here. Even if all you want is to keep what's "yours," jealousy is a very useful emotion indeed.

Strict monogamy/monoandry don't seem to be a part of human nature but serial monogamy is probably closer to the truth than uninhibited hippie orgies. In that case, there's plenty of room for competition and the tools with which to to get what you want--and hold onto it until you're through.

That is the thing, I don't consider discussing sex gross. Friends discuss their sexual encounters and sexual issues openly. I consider it perfectly normal and healthy to be able to discuss sex. However, with female friends we discuss sex openly, have sex toy parties and such, but with males they just don't seem to be able to handle such things without it becoming sexual towards you. This is why I feel that guys just can't hang with that.

That's because some(most? all?) men are fucking narcissist-pigs who would stick it in their own dead grandmother if they wanted it badly enough. Badly enough usually means going more than a couple days without ejaculating, or maybe even just hearing something that makes them think about ejaculating again. They don't always act on these urges, of course, but if my own experience is any indication, they're most certainly always there. Reminding us of it only brings it to the forefront.

I have female friends and acquaintances. Some of them are intelligent, funny, and nice, and we even share common interests. And you know what? They still look like bloody rare meat the moment they turn around, and I'm reminded that sinking my teeth into them would feel better than anything else in this world.

 

[ShipofFools]

Look, this is just me, but I have a close friend, who happens to be a woman, and in a relationship, and yet we cuddle, hold hands, all that stuff.
And until I read this thread I had no idea so many people see something wrong with that.

It's not like I plan on stealing her or anything, we're just good mates.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

Look, this is just me, but I have a close friend, who happens to be a woman, and in a relationship, and yet we cuddle, hold hands, all that stuff.
And until I read this thread I had no idea so many people see something wrong with that.

It's not like I plan on stealing her or anything, we're just good mates.

I have never had a guy cuddle with me without him getting an erection. So I don't "cuddle" with guys I am not interested in.
So you are saying you have never had sexual thoughts about her? What if she were single and not in a relationship?