Girlfriend Zone!

[Realitycrash]

We can solve this easily.

Girls. Do not hug your male friends. You hug your friends, we do not.

We don't?

Though I assume your entire post is meant to be sarcastic, but still..We don't?

Yeah overall it's a joke, but yeah, I don't hug my friends unless I haven't seen them in over a year or something. I mean just going off of my experiences, girls I know hug on a daily basis and they use it like waving. Guys don't do that.

I think guys hugging should be more wide-spread. Might combat the whole macho-homophobia-thing a lot of males got going.

Personally I think I'd be less homophobic if gay men just had better taste. I mean how can I possibly respect anybody who thinks Mamma Mia was a good film?

Eh, not even the gay men (or my mom or her wife) thinks Mama Mia was a good film. And yes, I've seen it. My girlfriend literary traded me sex for it back in the day.

..Still unsure if worth it.

 

[SonicWaffle]

If I have issues, if I've made mistakes, give me feedback, ask me why, then I can improve or clarify. If people defend themselves against all of their problems or other people let them do so, they never grow as human beings.

Of course, you might just get stuck with the nebulous and wholly unhelpful "I just don't see you that way"

There's not really a lot you can say to that without seeming desperate, as if you were asking what they didn't like about you so you can change it to suit them. It sucks, but there you go.

 

[Izanagi009_v1legacy]

We can solve this easily.

Girls. Do not hug your male friends. You hug your friends, we do not. We're already unnerved enough by the fact that we are sexually attracted to virtually everyone and what does NOT help is you rubbing your breasts against our chests.

In fact, just steer clear of all physical contact. Also never go in his bedroom, or if you must, do not sit on his bed. Also never compliment him, we also do not do this with our friends, only people we fancy.

I mean this should be bloody obvious.

A bit of a blunt comment but the point is present. The basic idea is be clear about your standing and your emotions as misunderstanding can cause any friendship to break up into chaos.

 

[CFriis87]

Yeah, because everybody wants to platonically hang around people they have romantic feelings for, all the time, knowing they don't feel that way about you, and you're supposed to just be thankful for their friendship.
So, this is basically bullshit.

 

[Rainforce]

At first that seemed like a satire, but actually, no, that looks like it's just the friendzone from the other person's PoV. As such it's depressing rather than funny.

It is. Bonus points for me as a remotely reasonable (male) being who's actually trying to get along with people, while being terribly afraid of the other party thinking I could be "interested" in them.

 

[Combustion Kevin]

I would assume because the rejected keep their mouth shut and don't straight out tell that they want a little distance to deal with the feelings. Not really surprising. But after the feelings are dealth with in many cases you never hear of them again. How often did I saw genuine surprise that after this kind of rejection I just called back (and more often than not after the estimated time I wanted to get). Surprise and relief that I wasn't just another one of those guys who see only potential mates in the other gender.

Not everybody deals with their emotions like you do, and not everybody is as open about it as you are.

Although I do find your actions commendable, getting back in touch can be difficult and awkward, some people don't want to deal with it, they feel humiliated or emasculated by it and prefer not to cause any more drama, opting instead to hang out with people where these dyanmics don't excist.

I suppose age is key, asking someone out doesn't obligate them to actually go out with you, as such, you are not obligated to stick around when it makes you feel uneasy, you deal with your emotions better as you mature and you get better at communicating them, as it stands it's mostly teenagers crying "friendzone", and talking about is the only way to clear the air of resentment and misunderstandings.

In time, they'll get it, no need for anger. ^^

 

[generals3]

I would assume because the rejected keep their mouth shut and don't straight out tell that they want a little distance to deal with the feelings. Not really surprising. But after the feelings are dealth with in many cases you never hear of them again. How often did I saw genuine surprise that after this kind of rejection I just called back (and more often than not after the estimated time I wanted to get). Surprise and relief that I wasn't just another one of those guys who see only potential mates in the other gender.

It's probably because after that amount of time it would feel awkward to suddenly come back. If a friendship has been put in the freezer for quite some time usually both parties tend to move on, and there is nothing wrong with forgetting the past while moving on. Nobody is entitled to have someone to come back after they moved on.

 

[DudeistBelieve]

How can that situation possibly be construed as anyone's fault?

People don't choose who they are attracted to. If you meet a person and get on really, really well, and you happen to also feel sexual attraction to that person then the obvious conclusion is that there is potential for a relationship. How else is that supposed to work? Should men only ask a woman out if they don't care much for her personality but think she has great tits?

It's pretty annoying to see, whenever this topic comes up, people making the "why can't you just be friends?" argument because why should you settle for just friends if there's clear potential for something more. If she wants to stay as friends, that's fine, but there's nothing wrong with making a move because you've found a person you're sexually attracted to and with whom you get on very well. It's a much better basis for a relationship than getting drunk and taking some random home. Consequently, it's natural to feel disappointed when it doesn't pan out. That's not a person's "fault" for seeing a potential girlfriend as a potential girlfriend.

You're getting me wrong. I'm all for guys at least trying for a relationship if they're attracted to a girl. The problem I have is with the guys that, after being 'friendzoned', they totally alienate themselves from said female friend. As in, the only thing they cared about was getting into that girl's pants. And once they find out that's not possible, they lose interest and stop trying to be friends.

I've been that guy.

I'm disliking all this "Pants" talk though. Every time i've ever gone that route I was seeking out a genuine relationship. Hey, it's difficult. Reach for a brass ring, fall and then still to try to maintain a friendship with that person? That takes a great deal of maturity to move on from that, and not everyone has that in them.

 

[Frankster]

"Evolution conditioned our male hominid ancestors to seek nice girls as mates and form friendship bonds only with the other dudes that they hunted mammoths with. It?s true?I know this because I studied hominids in my fifth-grade science class."

If i wasnt sure before, thats the part where i knew it was satire xP

Well i got no comment on the matter, im someone who honestly believes the friend zone is an artificial social invention but then again i got a "if it happens it happens, if it doesnt happen then it doesnt happen" attitude vis-a-vis my female friends, i dont understand why its shown to be horrible to be just friends with a girl, as illustrated by this pic:

[http://photobucket.com/images/friendzone]

Yes it is better then nothing. Do people here not have female friends? Even if you're thinking with your dick surely some of ya must realize having more female friends means more women in your life to act as part of your social network and gives you a better rep to meet new women.
Unless you're some kinda player who hits on girls whilst going out (i doubt thats the case for most people here) then the way you're going to meet future partners is likely through your social circles, so why people think having a female friend you aren't fucking is a bad thing is just..beyond me.

 

[A_Parked_Car]

I find it odd how people are acting as though attraction is a choice. Just like some people cannot help that they don't find somebody attractive as a partner, people cannot help who they develop sexual or romantic feelings for.

If you are sexually and romantically attracted to somebody you can't just flick an "off" switch to magic away those feelings. So you have the choice of spending time with them, constantly battling with those feelings, or you can distance yourself from them as a means to stop torturing yourself, and making things uncomfortable between the two of you.

It's not so much that they don't want to be friends any more, it's that it is incredibly difficult to remain so when your feelings for one another are not compatible. Personally in my experience I normally see the person who wants to be just friends drift away more often than not, as its difficult to be friends knowing the person views them differently.

This isn't a male or female thing either, it's relevant to both sexes.

I basically agree with everything you said. Very well written my friend.

OT: This has always been an issue that I find people tend to have difficulty understanding. I have fairly strong romantic feelings for one of my friends, but I don't want those feelings at all. It is a bit silly for one to assume that the only reason I stick around the friend I have feelings for is because I'm "waiting in the wings for my chance" or something like that. If anything, I maintain the friendship despite my attraction to the person. It is really tough on me emotionally to do that, but I value the friendship enough that I stick through it.

 

[Headsprouter]

If I have issues, if I've made mistakes, give me feedback, ask me why, then I can improve or clarify. If people defend themselves against all of their problems or other people let them do so, they never grow as human beings.

Of course, you might just get stuck with the nebulous and wholly unhelpful "I just don't see you that way"

There's not really a lot you can say to that without seeming desperate, as if you were asking what they didn't like about you so you can change it to suit them. It sucks, but there you go.

I was talking inherently bad aspects of people's personality like arrogance, narcissism, neediness and controlling personalities. Not stuff like "too talkative", some people like that. I just use the example because I have mixed opinions on it. It's handy because I struggle with conversation and blame awkward silences on myself, but I begin to find it unfulfilling after I know them for a while.
In an inescapable case where we would share friends, for example, I'd try to take a break from the person. I'm talking more about friendship here than relationships, but that's because I'm taking from my own examples of disputes with friends. One, in particular, which crashed and burned because, as far as I have been told, I made a pratfall on one word. Everything else was fine. I just think if people understand each other rather than stay in the dark they don't have to dwell as much and can find a less scarring resolution. The "I don't see you that way" example, in the case of rejection, as you mentioned, forces the person to analysed all the mistakes they made in portraying themselves, which isn't good, so I agree with you.

 

[sanquin]

Or it's simply because they find it easier to get over them by taking distance? Why assume the worst.

So a guy needs time to 'get over a girl' even if there was never anything between them other than a friendship and a one-sided crush from his side? Sounds really immature to me. I get needing time to 'get over' an ex girlfriend, but not a friend that you just asked out and she said no.

However I welcome your post. As it shows the problem from the male thinking point, just like the blog post in the OP tried to point out. Guys complain about the friendzone so much and how bad it is. Yet they never try to see it from the girl's side. As in "Why can't I just be nice to a guy for once, without him asking me out and eventually avoiding me because I rejected that offer?"

 

[sanquin]

I've mentioned this already in the thread, but I find it strange that this is always the assumption. It's far more likely that the poor guy now feels awkward as hell and is too embarrassed to remain friends, having opened up about his feelings only to be rejected. Sure, there are plenty of guys who were probably only after sex and lost interest when the option was taken off the table, but I kinda doubt that most guys who go to the trouble of befriending and spending a lot of time with a girl are only in it for the titties. After all, the main reason for asking someone out is because you like them and want to spend more time with them, not because you want to get naked and jiggly. That's a concern for further down the line.

Isn't it a little judgemental to assume that a guy who stops talking to you is doing so because you're no longer of any interest to him rather than to wonder if maybe he's feeling pretty damn embarrassed about the whole thing and thinks that hanging out with you is going to be awkward?

I call that a case of 'man up and get over it'. I've been rejected by 3 different guys and we still stayed friends no problem.

 

[Zantos]

How can that situation possibly be construed as anyone's fault?

People don't choose who they are attracted to. If you meet a person and get on really, really well, and you happen to also feel sexual attraction to that person then the obvious conclusion is that there is potential for a relationship. How else is that supposed to work? Should men only ask a woman out if they don't care much for her personality but think she has great tits?

It's pretty annoying to see, whenever this topic comes up, people making the "why can't you just be friends?" argument because why should you settle for just friends if there's clear potential for something more. If she wants to stay as friends, that's fine, but there's nothing wrong with making a move because you've found a person you're sexually attracted to and with whom you get on very well. It's a much better basis for a relationship than getting drunk and taking some random home. Consequently, it's natural to feel disappointed when it doesn't pan out. That's not a person's "fault" for seeing a potential girlfriend as a potential girlfriend.

You're getting me wrong. I'm all for guys at least trying for a relationship if they're attracted to a girl. The problem I have is with the guys that, after being 'friendzoned', they totally alienate themselves from said female friend. As in, the only thing they cared about was getting into that girl's pants. And once they find out that's not possible, they lose interest and stop trying to be friends.

I've been that guy.

I'm disliking all this "Pants" talk though. Every time i've ever gone that route I was seeking out a genuine relationship. Hey, it's difficult. Reach for a brass ring, fall and then still to try to maintain a friendship with that person? That takes a great deal of maturity to move on from that, and not everyone has that in them.

I wouldn't call it maturity so much as practice. I used to not be able to look at a girl that I really thought we'd be perfect together but turned me down. Now a number of times (possibly higher than I'm going to admit to) I can have perfectly functioning friendships with people that I used to be head over heels for, and surprisingly people that felt like that about me. By all means feeling upset about it shows that you had invested emotion in the scenario, go for it.

The problem is when people start to build up this shield of "I was perfect and deserved this". Pro-tip, if you can in the space of one conversation go from thinking you love someone to telling anyone that will listen that she's a manipulative ***** who is just using you to look popular, you probably aren't that great relationship material.

But in addressing the "pants" talk, this is something you'll have to clear for me. Maybe it's just the type of friendships I cultivate, but the only differences between my close friends and relationships is the physical. I mean, the kissing and sex and unspeakable sex have emotional links to them, but they're still physical acts. It's nice to have a partner to support you and cheer you up when you're sad and enjoy spending time with, but if they're the only person in your life that can do that it just strikes me as odd, and having been in a relationship with someone that thought like that I can tell you straight up that it has a serious impact on the both of you.

 

[Wafflemarine]

I think this article is pretty spot on for many. Although I don't find that the men stop once you tell them that you consider them to be a brother, a family member rather than someone you are sexually attracted to. They often get worse, with leters, flowers and gifts like you are somehow going to change your mind. It isn't just a "girlfriend zone" they profess undying love, that you are their soul mate and the marriage proposals are unbearable. The worst part is they hang on to this idea that " maybe someday things will change" even while you are in relationship with someone else and the second a relationship doesn't work out you feel as though the vultures are swooping down on you. Literally the very same week you break up with someone you have every guy you know asking you out at once and telling you that they have all had feelings for you for a long time and it is just creepy to be honest that they were only trying to be close to you in hopes that you have sex with them some day.

This is one of the biggest issues with younger people and I bet it has something to do with movies and the ideal relationship bullshit they get people to believe. I don't expect someone I show interest in to think I want them for life and both sexes do this and it is equally creepy. Peoples assumptions of how to act or what is going on are what just create these issues. I have a friend who is female and sure she is cute but far different then me personality wise so I am not interested. She was super depressed for about 2 weeks so I made her some gluten free brownies(she has that thing where she needs gluten free) since she would kill for chocolate stuff then started to act weird like I wanted to get into her pants heck I ate half the brownies that was worth the time baking them. Like I said with my previous post if people would be more blunt and quit assuming stuff or in a guys case take a damn hint and move on these issues would stop turning into train wrecks. For me a woman who is stuck in the gender roles idea or thinks life is some movie/show romance it is a huge turn off I am not Romeo.

 

[sanquin]

I can totally see why someone would feel this way. It's not as much as "he only sees her as a girlfriend" and more "We get along so damn well, we're always doing stuff together and we make each other happy", but when you then get rejected, they feel like the girl was only putting on a show. She didn't actually feel comfortable with you, she was just faking it. She doesn't want companionship with you.

TL;DR They feel like you're her entourage, not her equal.

If you were in that moment, this is probably what would be going through your head.

Edit: I think a lot of guys also want to know the cold hard facts. Feelings are out of the window at that moment. Am I not a very attractive guy? Am I boring? Too shy? Too outgoing? Trying to spare their feelings is a shitty way of doing it.

Getting along so well still doesn't mean that the girl is also attracted to them in a romantic/sexual way. Even if they're good looking that might still not be the case. Girls, or at least I, don't see 'getting along very well' as a guarantee to also take the next step. Well, like I said in a previous post I at least said yes to guys that have asked me out to see where things would lead, even if I didn't see them as boyfriend material at that time.

I think a large part of the problem is that girls are very hard to figure out for guys. And that the difference between 'a girl being nice to you' and 'a girl liking you and being interested in something more' can be difficult to discern. Still, I see it as a 'get over it' thing. She didn't want to date you, tough luck you can still be friends. It's how I've dealt with guys that rejected me.

 

[Rainforce]

So a guy needs time to 'get over a girl' even if there was never anything between them other than a friendship and a one-sided crush from his side? Sounds really immature to me. I get needing time to 'get over' an ex girlfriend, but not a friend that you just asked out and she said no.

I think it can be assumed that the guy just did the whole friendship thing to actually GET closer, and once that factor is out of the way, it becomes pointless. It's even worse than just people being whiny:
they treat you solely as a potential mate, and you're "not good for anything else" (dunno if that was already mentioned in the thread - but from what I've seen, it's pretty much how a lot of guys see it - with a little less negative connotation to it, though)

 

[Mr Cwtchy]

Or it's simply because they find it easier to get over them by taking distance? Why assume the worst.

So a guy needs time to 'get over a girl' even if there was never anything between them other than a friendship and a one-sided crush from his side? Sounds really immature to me. I get needing time to 'get over' an ex girlfriend, but not a friend that you just asked out and she said no.

However I welcome your post. As it shows the problem from the male thinking point, just like the blog post in the OP tried to point out. Guys complain about the friendzone so much and how bad it is. Yet they never try to see it from the girl's side. As in "Why can't I just be nice to a guy for once, without him asking me out and eventually avoiding me because I rejected that offer?"

If I've learned anything from being on these forums on this subject, it's that women are not making any more of an effort to understand the other side than men are.

Not that the sides here are gender-based of course. Because they aren't.

 

[sanquin]

I think it can be assumed that the guy just did the whole friendship thing to actually GET closer, and once that factor is out of the way, it becomes pointless. It's even worse than just people being whiny:
they treat you solely as a potential mate, and you're "not good for anything else" (dunno if that was already mentioned in the thread - but from what I've seen, it's pretty much how a lot of guys see it - with a little less negative connotation to it, though)

That's what I've been saying. Those are the people I hate. Becoming a girl's friend and such for the sole reason of trying to hook up with her.

 

[sanquin]

If I've learned anything from being on these forums on this subject, it's that women are not making any more of an effort to understand the other side than men are.

Not that the sides here are gender-based of course. Because they aren't.

In this case, there are two sides. Men don't understand women, women don't understand men. Any attempts to understand each other in the past have failed, no matter how much effort was put into it.