Girlfriend Zone!

[Thaluikhain]

I'll never understand the rush to condemn the desperate and the socially clueless (as always happens when one of these threads shows up). Surely these people are more deserving of your pity than they are your scorn.

Well, the desperate and social clueless who are upset that the universe hasn't made that girl they like fall in love with them. You can be as desperate and clueless as you like, but once you start getting whiny, entitled and/or creepy, pity is going to be outweighed by annoyance, at best.

 

[Combustion Kevin]

the white sticky, squirty kind of love, I suppose.
yeah they arent all the same, but sometimes its hard to not forget that.

the captcha has allways been a frigging creep

CAPTCHA is a raunchy bastard, but he means well.

I like how the thread is staying relatively polite so far, too often does it dissolve into a "men/vs/women" drama, which is ridiculous since neither side really does any wrong.

I suppose the problem is confusion and desperation, feeling a kind of attraction towards someone that goes beyond the white, sticky kind, something more meaningful, is difficult to deal with if not returned, the very idea of being rejected able to scare some away from such social situations.
In rejection, people act differently, some feel upset or cheated since "acting gentlemanly" doesn't work like they were told it would, some feel regret and try to make amends to salvage the friendship, others avoid any further contact out of sheer humiliation.

I suppose in your friend's case it's a classic example of male stoicism, we don't show our humiliation or sadness or other emotional troubles to avoid "looking weak". (GENDER ROOOOLES!/shakes fist)
So we bottle it up inside, along with our paranoia and anxiety, until we reach that boiling point going for it and saying what's what, for better or for worse, his concerns about your bf could be genuine care or simple selfishness, his problem is one of helplesness since only you can judge the merits of your bf.

So can men and women be friends? absolutely, two of my closest friends are ex's of mine, I still love them, even in that way, but I simply don't fit into their life romanticaly, be it clashing personalities or lifestyle, I'm just happy to spend time with them and help them when they need it.

Personally, I feel these emotions strengthen me as a person, they didn't used to do so, they give me a sense of belonging and meaning, maybe it's just me or a guy thing, but I identify myself with the role of a watchful friend and lover, and maybe I'll find a girl that DOES fit into my life and I into her's, but we'd be friends first, lovers second.

 

[SonicWaffle]

You're getting me wrong.

Yeah, that's exactly what Hitler said. Probably.

I'm all for guys at least trying for a relationship if they're attracted to a girl. The problem I have is with the guys that, after being 'friendzoned', they totally alienate themselves from said female friend. As in, the only thing they cared about was getting into that girl's pants. And once they find out that's not possible, they lose interest and stop trying to be friends.

I've mentioned this already in the thread, but I find it strange that this is always the assumption. It's far more likely that the poor guy now feels awkward as hell and is too embarrassed to remain friends, having opened up about his feelings only to be rejected. Sure, there are plenty of guys who were probably only after sex and lost interest when the option was taken off the table, but I kinda doubt that most guys who go to the trouble of befriending and spending a lot of time with a girl are only in it for the titties. After all, the main reason for asking someone out is because you like them and want to spend more time with them, not because you want to get naked and jiggly. That's a concern for further down the line.

Isn't it a little judgemental to assume that a guy who stops talking to you is doing so because you're no longer of any interest to him rather than to wonder if maybe he's feeling pretty damn embarrassed about the whole thing and thinks that hanging out with you is going to be awkward?

 

[minimacker]

If we go hiking, she takes me to concerts, listens to my problems and chaperones me to parties? My monkey brain would be pretty swooned by her kindness and empathy. If she's single, then I would subtly display that I am a single male Homo Sapiens seeking for companionship.

It just feels so wrong that even if you click so insanely well. That you can do anything together and you feel happy every time you see each other, you're not meant to go beyond that. Men has the bro-code when socializing with other male friends. An unwritten rulebook that states boundaries, often using humor to convey it.

Hugging is an example. Men should hug for no more than 3 seconds, unless the situation calls for it. But women? Does the 3-second rule still apply? Mayb- okay, she's not letting go of me yet. Mmm... That was nice.

There's too much confusion about signals. What we need is a lady-code.

The problem arises, for me, when the guy after being rejected alienates himself from the girl. Like all he saw her as was potential girlfriend material, and that just staying friends isn't possible.

I can totally see why someone would feel this way. It's not as much as "he only sees her as a girlfriend" and more "We get along so damn well, we're always doing stuff together and we make each other happy", but when you then get rejected, they feel like the girl was only putting on a show. She didn't actually feel comfortable with you, she was just faking it. She doesn't want companionship with you.

TL;DR They feel like you're her entourage, not her equal.

If you were in that moment, this is probably what would be going through your head.

Edit: I think a lot of guys also want to know the cold hard facts. Feelings are out of the window at that moment. Am I not a very attractive guy? Am I boring? Too shy? Too outgoing? Trying to spare their feelings is a shitty way of doing it.

 

[Headsprouter]

I have a friend who is a girl. I understand she's not interested in me. I haven't even asked her out, just by rejecting every other boy who has, she's made it clear that she's not comfortable with that sort of relationship at the minute. I don't mind. I like being her friend. She's a lot of fun to talk to, sometimes, although she does tend to blather. My interest in her isn't that high, anyway. I probably won't see her after the exams are over and I don't mind.

I think if a girl goes as far as to spend time with you as much as in the OP's link, however, you're okay with feeling a little double-crossed when she rejects you. Besides, when girls say they like a guy as a friend, they tend to take it as them saying "lol no" in a nice way. At the end of the day, when I finally grow the balls to ask a girl out, I want her to tell me the score, no bullshit to protect my feelings. If she has a boyfriend, cool. If she doesn't find me attractive, cool. If there's practical reasons, cool! The more I have to guess the more I'll tear myself to peices. Being left in the dark is not fun. Even so, I wouldn't cut the person off and pretend they don't exist. That's dehumanising and medicating symptoms, finding no cures.

If I have issues, if I've made mistakes, give me feedback, ask me why, then I can improve or clarify. If people defend themselves against all of their problems or other people let them do so, they never grow as human beings.

 

[Realitycrash]

We can solve this easily.

Girls. Do not hug your male friends. You hug your friends, we do not.

We don't?

Though I assume your entire post is meant to be sarcastic, but still..We don't?

Yeah overall it's a joke, but yeah, I don't hug my friends unless I haven't seen them in over a year or something. I mean just going off of my experiences, girls I know hug on a daily basis and they use it like waving. Guys don't do that.

I think guys hugging should be more wide-spread. Might combat the whole macho-homophobia-thing a lot of males got going.

Personally I think I'd be less homophobic if gay men just had better taste. I mean how can I possibly respect anybody who thinks Mamma Mia was a good film?

Eh, not even the gay men (or my mom or her wife) thinks Mama Mia was a good film. And yes, I've seen it. My girlfriend literary traded me sex for it back in the day.

..Still unsure if worth it.

 

[SonicWaffle]

If I have issues, if I've made mistakes, give me feedback, ask me why, then I can improve or clarify. If people defend themselves against all of their problems or other people let them do so, they never grow as human beings.

Of course, you might just get stuck with the nebulous and wholly unhelpful "I just don't see you that way"

There's not really a lot you can say to that without seeming desperate, as if you were asking what they didn't like about you so you can change it to suit them. It sucks, but there you go.

 

[Izanagi009_v1legacy]

We can solve this easily.

Girls. Do not hug your male friends. You hug your friends, we do not. We're already unnerved enough by the fact that we are sexually attracted to virtually everyone and what does NOT help is you rubbing your breasts against our chests.

In fact, just steer clear of all physical contact. Also never go in his bedroom, or if you must, do not sit on his bed. Also never compliment him, we also do not do this with our friends, only people we fancy.

I mean this should be bloody obvious.

A bit of a blunt comment but the point is present. The basic idea is be clear about your standing and your emotions as misunderstanding can cause any friendship to break up into chaos.

 

[CFriis87]

Yeah, because everybody wants to platonically hang around people they have romantic feelings for, all the time, knowing they don't feel that way about you, and you're supposed to just be thankful for their friendship.
So, this is basically bullshit.

 

[Rainforce]

At first that seemed like a satire, but actually, no, that looks like it's just the friendzone from the other person's PoV. As such it's depressing rather than funny.

It is. Bonus points for me as a remotely reasonable (male) being who's actually trying to get along with people, while being terribly afraid of the other party thinking I could be "interested" in them.

 

[Combustion Kevin]

I would assume because the rejected keep their mouth shut and don't straight out tell that they want a little distance to deal with the feelings. Not really surprising. But after the feelings are dealth with in many cases you never hear of them again. How often did I saw genuine surprise that after this kind of rejection I just called back (and more often than not after the estimated time I wanted to get). Surprise and relief that I wasn't just another one of those guys who see only potential mates in the other gender.

Not everybody deals with their emotions like you do, and not everybody is as open about it as you are.

Although I do find your actions commendable, getting back in touch can be difficult and awkward, some people don't want to deal with it, they feel humiliated or emasculated by it and prefer not to cause any more drama, opting instead to hang out with people where these dyanmics don't excist.

I suppose age is key, asking someone out doesn't obligate them to actually go out with you, as such, you are not obligated to stick around when it makes you feel uneasy, you deal with your emotions better as you mature and you get better at communicating them, as it stands it's mostly teenagers crying "friendzone", and talking about is the only way to clear the air of resentment and misunderstandings.

In time, they'll get it, no need for anger. ^^

 

[generals3]

I would assume because the rejected keep their mouth shut and don't straight out tell that they want a little distance to deal with the feelings. Not really surprising. But after the feelings are dealth with in many cases you never hear of them again. How often did I saw genuine surprise that after this kind of rejection I just called back (and more often than not after the estimated time I wanted to get). Surprise and relief that I wasn't just another one of those guys who see only potential mates in the other gender.

It's probably because after that amount of time it would feel awkward to suddenly come back. If a friendship has been put in the freezer for quite some time usually both parties tend to move on, and there is nothing wrong with forgetting the past while moving on. Nobody is entitled to have someone to come back after they moved on.

 

[DudeistBelieve]

How can that situation possibly be construed as anyone's fault?

People don't choose who they are attracted to. If you meet a person and get on really, really well, and you happen to also feel sexual attraction to that person then the obvious conclusion is that there is potential for a relationship. How else is that supposed to work? Should men only ask a woman out if they don't care much for her personality but think she has great tits?

It's pretty annoying to see, whenever this topic comes up, people making the "why can't you just be friends?" argument because why should you settle for just friends if there's clear potential for something more. If she wants to stay as friends, that's fine, but there's nothing wrong with making a move because you've found a person you're sexually attracted to and with whom you get on very well. It's a much better basis for a relationship than getting drunk and taking some random home. Consequently, it's natural to feel disappointed when it doesn't pan out. That's not a person's "fault" for seeing a potential girlfriend as a potential girlfriend.

You're getting me wrong. I'm all for guys at least trying for a relationship if they're attracted to a girl. The problem I have is with the guys that, after being 'friendzoned', they totally alienate themselves from said female friend. As in, the only thing they cared about was getting into that girl's pants. And once they find out that's not possible, they lose interest and stop trying to be friends.

I've been that guy.

I'm disliking all this "Pants" talk though. Every time i've ever gone that route I was seeking out a genuine relationship. Hey, it's difficult. Reach for a brass ring, fall and then still to try to maintain a friendship with that person? That takes a great deal of maturity to move on from that, and not everyone has that in them.

 

[Frankster]

"Evolution conditioned our male hominid ancestors to seek nice girls as mates and form friendship bonds only with the other dudes that they hunted mammoths with. It?s true?I know this because I studied hominids in my fifth-grade science class."

If i wasnt sure before, thats the part where i knew it was satire xP

Well i got no comment on the matter, im someone who honestly believes the friend zone is an artificial social invention but then again i got a "if it happens it happens, if it doesnt happen then it doesnt happen" attitude vis-a-vis my female friends, i dont understand why its shown to be horrible to be just friends with a girl, as illustrated by this pic:

[http://photobucket.com/images/friendzone]

Yes it is better then nothing. Do people here not have female friends? Even if you're thinking with your dick surely some of ya must realize having more female friends means more women in your life to act as part of your social network and gives you a better rep to meet new women.
Unless you're some kinda player who hits on girls whilst going out (i doubt thats the case for most people here) then the way you're going to meet future partners is likely through your social circles, so why people think having a female friend you aren't fucking is a bad thing is just..beyond me.

 

[A_Parked_Car]

I find it odd how people are acting as though attraction is a choice. Just like some people cannot help that they don't find somebody attractive as a partner, people cannot help who they develop sexual or romantic feelings for.

If you are sexually and romantically attracted to somebody you can't just flick an "off" switch to magic away those feelings. So you have the choice of spending time with them, constantly battling with those feelings, or you can distance yourself from them as a means to stop torturing yourself, and making things uncomfortable between the two of you.

It's not so much that they don't want to be friends any more, it's that it is incredibly difficult to remain so when your feelings for one another are not compatible. Personally in my experience I normally see the person who wants to be just friends drift away more often than not, as its difficult to be friends knowing the person views them differently.

This isn't a male or female thing either, it's relevant to both sexes.

I basically agree with everything you said. Very well written my friend.

OT: This has always been an issue that I find people tend to have difficulty understanding. I have fairly strong romantic feelings for one of my friends, but I don't want those feelings at all. It is a bit silly for one to assume that the only reason I stick around the friend I have feelings for is because I'm "waiting in the wings for my chance" or something like that. If anything, I maintain the friendship despite my attraction to the person. It is really tough on me emotionally to do that, but I value the friendship enough that I stick through it.

 

[Headsprouter]

If I have issues, if I've made mistakes, give me feedback, ask me why, then I can improve or clarify. If people defend themselves against all of their problems or other people let them do so, they never grow as human beings.

Of course, you might just get stuck with the nebulous and wholly unhelpful "I just don't see you that way"

There's not really a lot you can say to that without seeming desperate, as if you were asking what they didn't like about you so you can change it to suit them. It sucks, but there you go.

I was talking inherently bad aspects of people's personality like arrogance, narcissism, neediness and controlling personalities. Not stuff like "too talkative", some people like that. I just use the example because I have mixed opinions on it. It's handy because I struggle with conversation and blame awkward silences on myself, but I begin to find it unfulfilling after I know them for a while.
In an inescapable case where we would share friends, for example, I'd try to take a break from the person. I'm talking more about friendship here than relationships, but that's because I'm taking from my own examples of disputes with friends. One, in particular, which crashed and burned because, as far as I have been told, I made a pratfall on one word. Everything else was fine. I just think if people understand each other rather than stay in the dark they don't have to dwell as much and can find a less scarring resolution. The "I don't see you that way" example, in the case of rejection, as you mentioned, forces the person to analysed all the mistakes they made in portraying themselves, which isn't good, so I agree with you.