My main criticisms are that the overall use of language was pretty basic, the descriptions were Spartan in some places and overly used in others and the pacing and flow weren't quite right.
The only thing you really describe is what the two main characters are wearing and what the grandmothers? corpse looks like. Also, any character described as being 'a bit of a Goth' gives me immediate 'My Immortal' flashbacks, and that is never a good sign. Obviously, due to the nature of the story title you had to describe her clothing, but you dwell on it for far too long.
Your main villain is very stilted. She comes across as cliché and I'm guessing there's meant to be an air of either mystery or danger about her, but by mentioning that she sounds sinister in your writing itself, it destroys any attempt at atmosphere. I'd advise trying to make her a lot more subtle and manipulative.
Your main characters reason for straying off the path is incomprehensible. She's sick of listening to others rules, but why? What is her motivation? You've not given the impression that she's suppressed by society or a particular role, she doesn't seem smothered by anything other than a feeling of inadequacy with men which you've given no explanation for other than, so it seems, to try and make your character sympathetic, which doesn't pan out. In making the story more complex, you've made it harder to suspend disbelief.
Other than that, your story feels rushed due to how much you've tried to push into it and keep the word count down. The original story had four main segments, girl goes to see grandma, meets wolf, finds grandma has been eaten by the wolf, gets rescued from wolf by random woodcutter.
Yours is more convoluted, and any real message you?ve tried to convey, the very heart of a fairytale, is lost in lesbian kisses and gore. Sure you?ve made it twisted as you say, but the beauty of the original thing was in its simplicity, which is something your story lacks.
This last point may just be something which I?ve missed, or a plot point I?ve misunderstood, but the ending makes little to no sense. Sure it?s creepy to have a girl you?ve just killed be alive at the end, but other than giving Luna a strange name and calling her intentions sinful, you?ve shown no sign that she?s anything other than a psychopathic girl. For all your descriptions of the characters dress sense, you never mentioned if she had any supernatural features, or expanded on the wolf allegory.
