Honesty is the Best Poly-cy (Except When It Isn?t)

[Zyst]

Not meant to be rude but what is this doing in The Escapist?

 

[Abedeus]

Look at ladies not just as potential sex partners - that is, as a means to an end - but as worthy of friendship for their own sake.

Being friends with a woman is like being friends with a really lame guy. He whines about his fuckbuddies all the time, he doesn't like the movies you like because they have tits and blood in them, he won't help you fix your car because it will get his hands greasy and he won't help you move furniture because he is too wimpy.

There is no advantage to having women as friends but tons of disadvantage. However there are several advantages to faking a friendship. A. you might get lucky if she gets desperate or feeling bad or gets drunk enough to overlook your flaws, and B. She is likely to have female friends into whose pants you could potentially get.

Sounds to me like you had the wrong kind of female friends in your life. I know 4 girls I can call friends, and nothing more, nothing less.

One of them, despite being into horses and shit, likes Lord of the Rings, went with me to a couple of karate matches (although she wasn't into it after all, she just wanted to learn a bit of self-defense). The second was probably manlier than me at the time. Though we both went frog-hunting and dragonfly-killing during summer. The third one was a bro, literally, we fist-bumped every day on sight, she wore male clothes (it was weird how one time I saw her in a skirt) and treated everyone like a buddy, even other girls. The last one was probably the most lady-like, but even she would punch me if I got on her nerves. Even if she knew it hurt her more than me (MUSCLES OF STEEEEEL also predictability + rigid body technique).

None of them acted like what you described. With half of them I went shopping for things they wanted, and they on the other hand gave me love advices and gift advices for girl I liked liked. We would hang out during breaks and after classes (like I said - with two of them, almost ever summer on holidays). We'd still hang around, if not for the differences in time schedules - two out of 4 are a year older, and I'm a year behind compared to people my age because of 4-year program at my school, so they finished high school a year earlier... or should I say, I'll finish a year later.

Don't expect any woman to be exactly like a guy. Then again, you wrote "you might get lucky if she gets desperate or drunk". Uhh. Yeah. I used to think like that. Then I realized that for some reason, I wouldn't want to fuck any of those girls. Not cause they weren't pretty - all of them have boyfriends, and are pretty. It's just I respect them as equals and wouldn't want to treat them like objects. Because IMO that's your idea of a female friend - someone desperate enough to let you bang them how many times you'd like, without any obligations.

That's called a sex slave.

 

[The Stonker]

You're like my ex wife!
A crazy cat person...

 

[trollnystan]

Look at ladies not just as potential sex partners - that is, as a means to an end - but as worthy of friendship for their own sake.

Being friends with a woman is like being friends with a really lame guy. He whines about his fuckbuddies all the time, he doesn't like the movies you like because they have tits and blood in them, he won't help you fix your car because it will get his hands greasy and he won't help you move furniture because he is too wimpy.

There is no advantage to having women as friends but tons of disadvantage. However there are several advantages to faking a friendship. A. you might get lucky if she gets desperate or feeling bad or gets drunk enough to overlook your flaws, and B. She is likely to have female friends into whose pants you could potentially get.

The correct course of action is to pretend to care as long as it doesn't require you to make an effort.

But finding love requires putting yourself on the line a little.

Translation from woman language to English: Our culture requires men to do 100% of the work, accept 100% of the social/rejection risk, and commit 100% of the action responsibility. Accept that in order to "play the game" you need to stick your neck out for women to chop off. Because if you are asking advice you probably aren't attractive enough for any woman to even consider making the slightest bit of effort to create a relationship with you.

Wow. Just... Wow.

I mean yes, I've known women like the ones you're describing, but you know what? I've known MEN who are like that too.

You see, women are PEOPLE. Just like men. I know that's hard to believe but we are. And PEOPLE like different things. For example, I have no problem with getting greasy, so if you want my help fixing your car sure! I have no idea HOW since I don't even have a driving license but I'm willing to help. Moving furniture? I'm there! I might not be as strong as I'd like to be, but I'm willing to put my back into it and I've helped a lot of people move. I have a female friend who LOVES gory movies and if there's tits in them, so what?

You sound really bitter and maybe you've known a lot of girls like this to make you that way. But please don't put a label on half the population of the world. I mean I could put a label on the male half saying they're all "misogynists" or "rapists" or "nose-pickers". But that'd be silly. 'Cos all men aren't like that.

I think you need to date other types of women than the kind you're currently attracted to, 'cos obviously they've fucked you over. And not in the good way.

Spoiler: But you know what? Either way...

EDIT: Apparently you're a woman. I don't know why you hate your own gender, but I believe that the comic below probably roughly sums up your feelings about much of the world.

Spoiler

 

[Gralian]

This is simply idiotic fluffy teenage girl magazine advice.

I.E. People talking out of their ass claiming they know what they are talking about when they clearly don't.

Lots of "normal" social people have this shit fairly easy, it's basically built into them, so they don't have much trouble. Half the people who have trouble are akin to myself. With massive mental and personality disorders that cripple the living shit out of their social lives, even when they do in fact wish for one (even if it isn't the clubbing drinking bullshit).

The people who have it easy act like it's easy, which to them it is, seeing as they are naturally at least half adept in these things. They then give half-assed unhelpful advice " be yourself!" to people who have this shit incredibly difficult because most people don't have the patience to put up with even a quarter of their issues. Often very valid issues at that.

In the end, to people like myself( I assume I can only speak for myself naturally) all of this bullshit comes off as incredibly condescending and insulting and makes me want to cuss and hit people who say this crap.

Quoted for absolute truth. This is the real problem i have with any "advice" column, because as i said before, it completely neglects the kind of demographic that would read and participate in such a column - people who are in some way unable to maintain a 'standard' social life in which 'normals' are able to thrive in and therefore stuff like sex and romance comes naturally. Not only that, but the 'normals' who give this advice are often terribly condescending. "Go do volunteer work!" or "Go down to the local rave / club / bar!" like women are going to suddenly surrender themselves to you like that insipid Lynx advert. No. It doesn't work like that. You don't just "make the effort" and are rewarded with boobies. Not only that, but i think a lot of 'normals' utterly fail to realise that making the effort is a big problem for people with social anxiety issues and anxiety issues in general. Does that mean they should accept a fate of loneliness? Hell no. It means they should be given appropriate advice in how to deal with and overcome these problems. Even something as simple as how to actually talk to a complete and utter stranger when you're at your job / club / whatever would be a start. Because if you don't have a clique of friends to take the heat off you, it can be an incredibly daunting task to talk to a complete stranger and it can make you feel like a bit of a creeper. The type of person who should be giving this advice are people who are perhaps introverted like the ones who have real troubles even talking to girls, let alone dating them, that are a success story. You know, advice from someone who's actually gone through this shit and was able to come out on top for once. Someone who can draw an genuine experience and be more relatable.

On the flipside i know this column isn't entirely about "how to get the girl of your dreams" and is more to deal with "problems you may have in exisitng relationships", but it doesn't change the fact this creates a pretty conceited first impression.

Sounds to me like you had the wrong kind of female friends in your life. I know 4 girls I can call friends, and nothing more, nothing less.

One of them, despite being into horses and shit, likes Lord of the Rings, went with me to a couple of karate matches (although she wasn't into it after all, she just wanted to learn a bit of self-defense). The second was probably manlier than me at the time. Though we both went frog-hunting and dragonfly-killing during summer. The third one was a bro, literally, we fist-bumped every day on sight, she wore male clothes (it was weird how one time I saw her in a skirt) and treated everyone like a buddy, even other girls. The last one was probably the most lady-like, but even she would punch me if I got on her nerves. Even if she knew it hurt her more than me (MUSCLES OF STEEEEEL also predictability + rigid body technique).

None of them acted like what you described.

I'm sorry, but i have to point this out. It's nice you have an almost caricature line-up of female friends, but the fact of the matter is that not everyone does. In fact, i'd wager very few people do. We don't all have the "token tough chick", the "token girly girl", or the "token geek girl". Especially ones that are the twofer "Well she's feminine and masculine! Your point is invalid." routine. I see this all the time, people get on their podium to talk about these people they know who seem to fulfil every single atypical stereotype that they end up becoming stereotypes themselves, like a line-up of every PC attribute you could ever want in a friend. It makes me wonder how many of these stories are fabricated, and if they're not, where can i possibly go to live in such a wonderfully diverse neighbourhood. Because i'll tell you something, where i live people (girls and guys) are incredibly shallow minded. The guys all pretty much want to hump anything with breasts and the girls are vapid and only care about maintaining their social status. For the record; i'm 20, so this is not high school drama. This is the general state of society. You might come across one or two individuals who are not so skin deep, but they aren't the sorts of people you're going to find when scouting a bar.

 

[mrwoo6]

Uh..love advice? on a nerd culture website? What in gods name does this have to do with anything geek or geek related?

I'm sure, as stated by the article itself, if anyone has any serious problems that they want proper advice about they will go to a website or person with a bit more creditably in this department than anything the escapist has to offer. Its not even that amusing and the advice isn't that even that good.

Its not like your running out of nerdy things to talk about; anime, cards games, figures, pen and paper RPG take your pick. But please not love advice.

 

[Rubisco]

I'm sorry, but i have to point this out. It's nice you have an almost caricature line-up of female friends, but the fact of the matter is that not everyone does. In fact, i'd wager very few people do. We don't all have the "token tough chick", the "token girly girl", or the "token geek girl". Especially ones that are the twofer "Well she's feminine and masculine! Your point is invalid." routine. I see this all the time, people get on their podium to talk about these people they know who seem to fulfil every single atypical stereotype that they end up becoming stereotypes themselves, like a line-up of every PC attribute you could ever want in a friend. It makes me wonder how many of these stories are fabricated, and if they're not, where can i possibly go to live in such a wonderfully diverse neighbourhood. Because i'll tell you something, where i live people (girls and guys) are incredibly shallow minded. The guys all pretty much want to hump anything with breasts and the girls are vapid and only care about maintaining their social status. For the record; i'm 20, so this is not high school drama. This is the general state of society. You might come across one or two individuals who are not so skin deep, but they aren't the sorts of people you're going to find when scouting a bar.

Hi there, I'm what you can call a geeky girl. Most of my female friends are in some way geeky girls. Let's see the list: goth hairdresser with a band; cultural geek secretary for a major science research facility; a economist with a love for HBO series with hot guys; anime geek biochemistry student that loves small pets and a gamer girl fresh out of a design major. And I meet them all at college or online thanks to my gaming clan. Maybe, just maybe, you're meeting people at the wrong places.

TL;DR version: You'r doing it wrong

OT (sort of):I used to be a shy girl myself. Talking to people made me nervous. I guess I just don't handle potential rejection very well (cried at my first oral exam in college). And when i was at a all time low on the confidence scale, a lab partner of mine (became a good friend) introduced me to WoW. Oh dear lord the beast was unleashed! It became easier for me to be silly with people while on vent. The fact that you don't have to see them again if you don't want to, can be very freeing while on "training wheels". Eventually the socials skills I got online started to bleed out into real life. Maybe I'm not seen as the perfect girl; I'm too "wierd" for that. But I've gotten waaaaaaay more invites for coffee now ^^

 

[Moromillas]

"Advice" given is counter-productive, a little insulting, and should not be taken seriously by anyone. A bunch of theories that border on madness rather than real life experience, while failing to address issues. Do NOT want. KIWF.

 

[jacobythehedgehog]

Lol Dating unfortuatly doesnt come with a no fail mode lol

 

[InsomniJack]

I looked at the second article.

I gave a sigh.

People seem to be losing a sense of what a marriage is, and what one should do in a relationship like that. Seriously, this borders on ludicrous.

Oh, I know the intellectual hegemony here is gonna brand me as "intolerant" and "unenlightened"- but maybe I'm too idealistic to just believe marriage is about committing yourself to a partner, and sticking with it. Not sharing it out between several people.

If you don't have the commitment and will to have one marital partner, you shouldn't marry.

I have to agree with this. Polyamorous relationships like these tell me that the persons involved want to follow their impulses with no consequence to their action. Except that the wife is clearly not OK with seeing her husband and his other do what they (the married couple) should be doing, and this negative reaction actually becomes a consequence due to the polyamorous relationship. She may have said OK to this, but internally, she's not accepting it. You can say whatever you want, but sometimes that doesn't change how you feel inside.

Besides, having multiple partners tells other potential partners: "I can go to someone else if you don't please me the way I feel like being pleased on a particular day". Or even better: "You're the responsible one, and she's the fun one." And I think that's rather disrespectful to tell your significant someone that you will never primarily bring them happiness.

 

[Loves2spooge]

This is a quick reply to Secret Hippie from the second question.

You and your wife need to not be married; you are clearly not designed for marriage, or at least being married to each other. Read over your question once again, and ask yourself "Does that sound right?".

I'm aware, different strokes for different folks, and I could be wrong here, but you both sound miserable in your situation. Rather than tip-toeing around solutions where obviously no-one's ultimately happy, separate, then see how you feel after a bit.

 

[Riobux]

Why? Why do we have this? I know you could argue "well, if you don't like it, don't read it" (which I do concerning a particular webcomic writer who I feel has nothing useful to say ever, and either points out the obvious or is out-right wrong), but love advice? By someone who isn't a professional at that (which is why I trudged along with the whole psychiatrist article thing)? I'm sorry, but there's a time and place, and this is neither. The same friends referred to in the first answer are the type of people that others should refer to for this kind of help.

 

[normalguycap]

Why is this even being taken seriously? Is the Escapist hurting for more traffic that they need to branch into wacky love advice too? I find this wildly inappropriate for a entertainment media site and it should be removed? Why did they think this is a good idea and approve its creation? This new feature is an act of stupidity. I'll stick to ZP and Extra Credits thank you.

 

[warfjm]

This is simply idiotic fluffy teenage girl magazine advice.

I.E. People talking out of their ass claiming they know what they are talking about when they clearly don't.

Lots of "normal" social people have this shit fairly easy, it's basically built into them, so they don't have much trouble. Half the people who have trouble are akin to myself. With massive mental and personality disorders that cripple the living shit out of their social lives, even when they do in fact wish for one (even if it isn't the clubbing drinking bullshit).

The people who have it easy act like it's easy, which to them it is, seeing as they are naturally at least half adept in these things. They then give half-assed unhelpful advice " be yourself!" to people who have this shit incredibly difficult because most people don't have the patience to put up with even a quarter of their issues. Often very valid issues at that.

In the end, to people like myself( I assume I can only speak for myself naturally) all of this bullshit comes off as incredibly condescending and insulting and makes me want to cuss and hit people who say this crap.

Quoted for absolute truth. This is the real problem i have with any "advice" column, because as i said before, it completely neglects the kind of demographic that would read and participate in such a column - people who are in some way unable to maintain a 'standard' social life in which 'normals' are able to thrive in and therefore stuff like sex and romance comes naturally. Not only that, but the 'normals' who give this advice are often terribly condescending. "Go do volunteer work!" or "Go down to the local rave / club / bar!" like women are going to suddenly surrender themselves to you like that insipid Lynx advert. No. It doesn't work like that. You don't just "make the effort" and are rewarded with boobies. Not only that, but i think a lot of 'normals' utterly fail to realise that making the effort is a big problem for people with social anxiety issues and anxiety issues in general. Does that mean they should accept a fate of loneliness? Hell no. It means they should be given appropriate advice in how to deal with and overcome these problems. Even something as simple as how to actually talk to a complete and utter stranger when you're at your job / club / whatever would be a start. Because if you don't have a clique of friends to take the heat off you, it can be an incredibly daunting task to talk to a complete stranger and it can make you feel like a bit of a creeper. The type of person who should be giving this advice are people who are perhaps introverted like the ones who have real troubles even talking to girls, let alone dating them, that are a success story. You know, advice from someone who's actually gone through this shit and was able to come out on top for once. Someone who can draw an genuine experience and be more relatable.

On the flipside i know this column isn't entirely about "how to get the girl of your dreams" and is more to deal with "problems you may have in exisitng relationships", but it doesn't change the fact this creates a pretty conceited first impression.

Both of you are quoted for truth. I'm not reading any more of this particular column. This is an "entertainment media" website with a heavy focus on video games. This type of column does not follow the demographics that follow this site.

"Ask Dr. Mark" is a MUCH MUCH better column than this love advice trash. It focuses on gamer psychological issues. Dr. Mark has well thought out educated reply's and he has a Ph.D for crying out loud! The person giving advice in Love FAQ has shown no credentials other than "just a smart gal who wants to help out her fellow geek."

Seriously Escapist, if you want this sort of column, you need to change the entire format of your website to fit the demographic that would follow this sort of column. I also get the feeling that the person writing this column was looking for an excuse to write her own column (to break out of writing actual game articles). Basically, this is a way for her to stop writing game articles altogether.

 

[draythefingerless]

This is simply idiotic fluffy teenage girl magazine advice.

I.E. People talking out of their ass claiming they know what they are talking about when they clearly don't.

Lots of "normal" social people have this shit fairly easy, it's basically built into them, so they don't have much trouble. Half the people who have trouble are akin to myself. With massive mental and personality disorders that cripple the living shit out of their social lives, even when they do in fact wish for one (even if it isn't the clubbing drinking bullshit).

The people who have it easy act like it's easy, which to them it is, seeing as they are naturally at least half adept in these things. They then give half-assed unhelpful advice " be yourself!" to people who have this shit incredibly difficult because most people don't have the patience to put up with even a quarter of their issues. Often very valid issues at that.

In the end, to people like myself( I assume I can only speak for myself naturally) all of this bullshit comes off as incredibly condescending and insulting and makes me want to cuss and hit people who say this crap.

Quoted for absolute truth. This is the real problem i have with any "advice" column, because as i said before, it completely neglects the kind of demographic that would read and participate in such a column - people who are in some way unable to maintain a 'standard' social life in which 'normals' are able to thrive in and therefore stuff like sex and romance comes naturally. Not only that, but the 'normals' who give this advice are often terribly condescending. "Go do volunteer work!" or "Go down to the local rave / club / bar!" like women are going to suddenly surrender themselves to you like that insipid Lynx advert. No. It doesn't work like that. You don't just "make the effort" and are rewarded with boobies. Not only that, but i think a lot of 'normals' utterly fail to realise that making the effort is a big problem for people with social anxiety issues and anxiety issues in general. Does that mean they should accept a fate of loneliness? Hell no. It means they should be given appropriate advice in how to deal with and overcome these problems. Even something as simple as how to actually talk to a complete and utter stranger when you're at your job / club / whatever would be a start. Because if you don't have a clique of friends to take the heat off you, it can be an incredibly daunting task to talk to a complete stranger and it can make you feel like a bit of a creeper. The type of person who should be giving this advice are people who are perhaps introverted like the ones who have real troubles even talking to girls, let alone dating them, that are a success story. You know, advice from someone who's actually gone through this shit and was able to come out on top for once. Someone who can draw an genuine experience and be more relatable.

On the flipside i know this column isn't entirely about "how to get the girl of your dreams" and is more to deal with "problems you may have in exisitng relationships", but it doesn't change the fact this creates a pretty conceited first impression.

Sounds to me like you had the wrong kind of female friends in your life. I know 4 girls I can call friends, and nothing more, nothing less.

One of them, despite being into horses and shit, likes Lord of the Rings, went with me to a couple of karate matches (although she wasn't into it after all, she just wanted to learn a bit of self-defense). The second was probably manlier than me at the time. Though we both went frog-hunting and dragonfly-killing during summer. The third one was a bro, literally, we fist-bumped every day on sight, she wore male clothes (it was weird how one time I saw her in a skirt) and treated everyone like a buddy, even other girls. The last one was probably the most lady-like, but even she would punch me if I got on her nerves. Even if she knew it hurt her more than me (MUSCLES OF STEEEEEL also predictability + rigid body technique).

None of them acted like what you described.

I'm sorry, but i have to point this out. It's nice you have an almost caricature line-up of female friends, but the fact of the matter is that not everyone does. In fact, i'd wager very few people do. We don't all have the "token tough chick", the "token girly girl", or the "token geek girl". Especially ones that are the twofer "Well she's feminine and masculine! Your point is invalid." routine. I see this all the time, people get on their podium to talk about these people they know who seem to fulfil every single atypical stereotype that they end up becoming stereotypes themselves, like a line-up of every PC attribute you could ever want in a friend. It makes me wonder how many of these stories are fabricated, and if they're not, where can i possibly go to live in such a wonderfully diverse neighbourhood. Because i'll tell you something, where i live people (girls and guys) are incredibly shallow minded. The guys all pretty much want to hump anything with breasts and the girls are vapid and only care about maintaining their social status. For the record; i'm 20, so this is not high school drama. This is the general state of society. You might come across one or two individuals who are not so skin deep, but they aren't the sorts of people you're going to find when scouting a bar.

I like how you accuse these people of making a broad generalization of society using their small opinionated experiences, then go about counter arguing them using your own opinionated xperience. To show you how silly this method of refuting them is, im gonna step up even MORE OF WHAT YOU SAID.

i live in portugal, and ive traveled across the country, and met thousands of people, women and men alike. i assure you, the stereotypes were unseen. i never for an instance saw a distinction of meeting men or women. to me they were all people. i didnt see girly stuff annoy me, or manly stuff. men were rationale and sensitive many times, women were strong and practical when needed, stuff that you use as stereotypes was non existant, or shunned to the back back background.

see? personal experience. larger than yours. stil doesnt count as a decent argument.

the point is, a stereotype paints all people with a certain characteristic in the same color. then someone comes up and shows you people(actually many show up and show you man people) who DONT fit in the stereotype. stereotype is thus disproven, and is nothing but a rash generalization. doesnt matter how many people you know fit it, there are many others who dont.

 

[Samurai Goomba]

Why in the friggin' world isn't BonsaiK the one doing this column? He's been giving relationship advice-GOOD relationship advice-for a year or two now in the forums.

This advice is shallow, common-sense stuff.

Problem: "I'm in a polygamous relationship and my wife is bugged by it."

Answer: "Maybe you should have set boundaries (thank you captain hindsight.)"

Problem: "I can't find women."

Answer: "Look for them."

And this has nothing to do with anything, but the last pop-up add took up 50% of my monitor screen. I just remembered why I only visit for a couple minutes at a time.

Finally, did you honestly suggest men become friends with women in order to later have relationships with them? You're telling people to Friend Zone themselves. I'm a living testament to the fact the friendship tactic doesn't work. Every time I tried it, it didn't work out BUT when I went after a woman honestly, with no pretensions to "just being friends," then I had no trouble. I get why you might want female friends who could set you up on dates, but if you like a girl, just ask her out. Just do it. Either she says yes or she says no. Confidence is appealing the world over, so work on that and just be cool with rejection.

http://www.sosuave.com/halloffame/hall353.htm

 

[Orange Monkey]

I like I like, please keep these coming

 

[ZiggyE]

I personally find these interesting. Keep these coming.

 

[beniki]

What, no cheat codes or easter eggs?!

This is a lousy FAQ

Seriously this is a game site. Writing up an advice column and simply slapping a loosely related title on it is a lazy way to get more hits, and this site should aim higher. Not to say that the concept of a Love FAQ on the escapist is flawed, just simply keep it game related.

Instead of delving into the polygamy relationships, perhaps select one about a WoW contact you inadvertently fell in love with. Instead of 'I can't find women', choose the letter, 'How can I meet women through online games, and not come across as a creepy stalker?'

These, of course, will be far more challenging to write about, since there's no Sex in the City episode to copy/paste, but would fit far better amongst Extra Credits and Zero Punctuation. And you'll have far more respect from me! That's always nice to have