How can you tell whether your partner is cheating on you?

[ReservoirAngel]

So this is probably me being paranoid and insane, but I've lately been thinking that my boyfriend might be seeing someone else.

Now I know there's no universal signs to tell you 'yes, they're slipping it to someone else on the side', but I'm just been getting more and more paranoid all the time over this.

Time was me and Jordan would spent a massive amount of time together, we'd always be talking, and yeah we'd have sex pretty damn often.

But in recent weeks he's been blowing me off more and more (in the 'abandoning plans' way, not the fun bedroom-based way). Whenever I ask him why he flaked out on plans we had he never gives a real answer, and even when I try to make plans with him he's been telling me he's "busy" a lot more than he used to.

Plus he's more hesitant to talk to me nowadays. We still hang out, but it's nowhere near as frequently as it used to be, and he seems a lot more distant than he ever used to be.

And...well...the frequency of our sex has dropped significantly.

Combined all together I just can't shake the feeling that he's got someone else he's seeing behind my back and trying to keep it from me, and it's making me feel paranoid and upset. I mean...I want to trust him so doubting him like this makes me feel horrible, and the thought of him being with someone else makes me feel even worse.

With this information...do you think he's cheating on me?

 

[Archeopterix]

Unfortunately you can't tell unless he admits it or you catch him. I'm sorry about what you are going though, although from what you are listing sounds like he might be, your post is very geared towards evidence that he is. Are there other behaviors that you haven't listed that are new? It couldn be that he has something on his mind like a work stressor, or maybe something you are doing is worring him, and things like these could also explain these behaviors.

 

[mxfox408]

i can say it seems all the signs of cheating are there, but you still dont know for a fact. You dont deserve to be treated this way cheating or not if he treats youthis way you need to end it because it will hurt you more tostay with him and be confused than ending it and moving on. Seriously ending relqtionships sucks butwhat sucks more is being the only person in a relationship that isnt in a relationship if you know what i mean, you deserve to be treated better hope this helps.

 

[ReservoirAngel]

or maybe something you are doing is worring him

Well I have been a bit moody recently. Some stuff with my Uni life has been fucking me up in recent weeks, so that could have some effect on him I guess. God I hope that's all it is.

 

[mxfox408]

Well how long have you guys been dating for?

 

[SilentCom]

According to how he is acting, he is either guilty of something or confused about the relationship. Maybe he is wondering where the relationship is going? Guys can get cold feet sometimes. Although, if he can't look you straight in the eyes when you two are talking then he's likely hiding something.

 

[BonsaiK]

So this is probably me being paranoid and insane, but I've lately been thinking that my boyfriend might be seeing someone else.

Now I know there's no universal signs to tell you 'yes, they're slipping it to someone else on the side', but I'm just been getting more and more paranoid all the time over this.

Time was me and Jordan would spent a massive amount of time together, we'd always be talking, and yeah we'd have sex pretty damn often.

But in recent weeks he's been blowing me off more and more (in the 'abandoning plans' way, not the fun bedroom-based way). Whenever I ask him why he flaked out on plans we had he never gives a real answer, and even when I try to make plans with him he's been telling me he's "busy" a lot more than he used to.

Plus he's more hesitant to talk to me nowadays. We still hang out, but it's nowhere near as frequently as it used to be, and he seems a lot more distant than he ever used to be.

And...well...the frequency of our sex has dropped significantly.

Combined all together I just can't shake the feeling that he's got someone else he's seeing behind my back and trying to keep it from me, and it's making me feel paranoid and upset. I mean...I want to trust him so doubting him like this makes me feel horrible, and the thought of him being with someone else makes me feel even worse.

With this information...do you think he's cheating on me?

Well, something is definitely wrong. Frankly, whether he's cheating or not, I wouldn't know and it certainly doesn't really matter in the big picture - relationships can recover from that. What matters is fixing the underlying problem.

You need to sit down with him and have a chat about the relationship because it's in a bad state. Absolutely do not mention your fears of an affair. Just tell him that you've noticed him cooling off on you and you were wondering if he's happy, if anything is bothering him, does he still want to be in the relationship, etc. If he really is still into you, he'll recognise that the relationship is in peril and he'll open up. If he just doesn't care anymore, he'll put you off, brush you off - whatever it takes, anything except talk about the issues. If that happens after multiple tries then leave and whatever you do don't come back when he starts realising in six months that he made a mistake (because the cycle will then repeat). Good luck.

 

[Doctor Glocktor]

Honestly, just confront him about it. If he's not cheating, he should have nothing to hide.

I was too scared to confront my ex about her cheating on me, and it lead to an unfortunate series of events.

 

[SilentCom]

Mediate while burning incense and then pray to the great and mighty Pancake god, you will hear his voice and you will know ( smiting optional)

Don't forget the offering of maple syrup.

OT: As suggested by other posters above, it's probably best to ask your bf directly. Honesty is important in any relationship so you shouldn't have to be afraid to be open with him and vice versa.

 

[Terminal Blue]

How long have you been together?

Unless it's literally been a few weeks, it could well be that the initial excitement has gone, at least on his end. Unfortunately, people tend to work like that. You meet someone, you fuck them silly and want to spend all your time with them, then one day you just wake up and wonder where the last six months went and why you haven't called any of your friends.

As you've probably noticed, paranoia will ultimately make you miserable. You can get away with confronting him about it maybe once, but if he says he's not cheating then there comes a point where you have to either trust him or just accept the possibility and stop thinking about it. The real question is whether or not it's working when he actually does see you, and it sounds like that's something you need to check before you project blame outside of the relationship.

 

[WingedIncubus]

Check his emails and cell phone. Do NOT accuse him of cheating if you do not have any proof, they'll all deny it to the death. Get concrete evidence first.

Ask him if you can check something into his cellphone, because you've lost his parents' or a common friend's number, or that your cell is down and you can't charge it yet. If he acts suddenly edgy, starts asking why, or becomes secretive, or he is hiding his cellphone all the time from your attention, something's going on.

Maybe he's not sleeping yet, but he might definitely have messages that could lead to make him want to cheat. Trust your gut feeling and snoop around.

 

[WingedIncubus]

Honestly, just confront him about it. If he's not cheating, he should have nothing to hide.

I was too scared to confront my ex about her cheating on me, and it lead to an unfortunate series of events.

Worst thing you can do, it serves no purpose and if he or she cheats, it will tell him or her that you are suspecting something and they'll adapt.

Do NOT confront a possible cheater without proofs. No one's gonna answer "oh yes, I so totally cheat on you. Thank God you are asking." Without proof they'll just accuse you of not trusting him or her as a defence mechanism to shove the burden on you, and it'll push the partner even further into continuing the affair.

 

[Paksenarrion]

There is one other possibility...

During your golden times, was he usually the initiator? If so, he might be feeling...unwanted or unattractive. He might view you as someone who can read his thoughts. Talk to him, give him attention. If he's the type of guy to not tell you the real reason, try seducing him. If he's happier afterward, it was a perceived lack of attention.

 

[Gralian]

Check his emails and cell phone. Do NOT accuse him of cheating if you do not have any proof, they'll all deny it to the death. Get concrete evidence first.

No! Worst possible thing you can do. No-one likes to feel they've been spied on. Even if you weren't caught snooping in personal messages and emails, if you found something you assumed to be incriminating and made an accusation, your partner will want to know how you came to that conclusion and where your evidence is. If you provide it, even if they turn out to not be guilty, they're going to feel incredibly insulted and violated. If anything, they'll grow even colder and leave you out of spite.

I wouldn't try to directly confront him or accuse him of cheating. I'd ask him to sit down for a serious discussion and ask if anything's wrong. Really try to appeal to his emotions. Say that you sense something has been bothering him and you'd feel a lot better if he opened him a little bit more. Try to appeal to his sensibilities. If he cares about you, he should come clean of his own will. Sometimes a direct confrontation can make someone fold under the pressure and confess to cheating or some other scenario, but it only leads to a messy resolution. If anything, he should respect you enough to just come clean of his own volition. If he cares about you, he should say that he has lost passion or interest in your current relationship and found someone else. Lastly, if this is the case, you must make sure to ask him what it was that made him lost interest in the relationship or make him cheat in the first place. Closure is very important, especially when you really care about your partner. It may not be cheating, though. Sometimes stress and personal problems can really affect a person and this can have a negative impact on their interpersonal relations, their sex life and their willingness to do things. It may just be something getting him down and causing him to buckle up and appear outwardly hostile or neglectful. Hope this helps.

 

[mxfox408]

Check his emails and cell phone. Do NOT accuse him of cheating if you do not have any proof, they'll all deny it to the death. Get concrete evidence first.

Ask him if you can check something into his cellphone, because you've lost his parents' or a common friend's number, or that your cell is down and you can't charge it yet. If he acts suddenly edgy, starts asking why, or becomes secretive, or he is hiding his cellphone all the time from your attention, something's going on.

Maybe he's not sleeping yet, but he might definitely have messages that could lead to make him want to cheat. Trust your gut feeling and snoop around.

No need to go through all that crap everyone here is pretty much saying try to work it out but dont threaten him with leaving him if things dont work after you talk, then say bye bye to him and move on. If someone were to check my phone for evidence id be bugged and put off because thats a sign of no trust.

 

[tharglet]

I'm in agreement of BonsaiK - it's best not to accuse him of cheating, if you don't know for sure. If you put yourself in his shoes, and think how you'd feel if someone accused you of cheating, you'll probably find it isn't a nice feeling. If he is cheating, it's probably easy enough for him to lie about it anyway.

It does sound like he doesn't really care much for your relationship for one reason or another. I think it would be worth having a chat with him, to find out if he wants out, and if he says why. If you've been together for awhile, and the initial "spark" has cooled, he could be bored/uninterested any more, even if there's nothing "new" on the horizon.

A partner being "busy" with no reason is not a good thing in a relationship.

 

[SiskoBlue]

Not enough information to give relationship advice but to be honest, there never will be enough information. Only the two people involved in a relationship can really say what's going on, and they may not even be on the same page.

But this is what my gut tells me...

He wants to break up with but doesn't know how to. Every behaviour you listed is all saying the same message, distance, distance, distance. He is distancing himself from you to build up the courage to say it's over. I've done it, everyone else does it. When you want out of a relationship but don't know how to tell the person without hurting them, how do you behave? Like most people he is too cowardly to play the "bad guy" and say "I'm sorry I don't won't to date you anymore".

Something you should note though. Nothing you listed suggests he's cheating at all. You don't mention specific people he refers to, suspcious phone calls, texts, avoiding certain people. Or even more obvious stuff like smelling of another woman's perfume, or anything that suggets there's "another women". Everything you list suggests he's avoiding you. So my question is why do you create this other person? Has he cheated before? Have you? Does he get a lot of female attention? Are you often jealous of people near him? His behaviour doesn't suggest cheating, but you did, and I wonder why?

He may or may not be cheating on you. Unless you catch them with undeniable evidence they can always deny it and you'll always doubt them. One thing I have noticed "paranoia of cheating" is almost perfectly correlated with the accusser's self-esteem. When a partner isn't feeling too good about themselves, that's the time when they start worrying you're cheating. I've seen this in myself and others hundreds of times. Next time someone says to you "I'm worried my partner is cheating on me" and you ask them why, you usually get two types of response. 1. Actual evidence of another person close to their partner, OR 2. no evidence at all but a litany of things the partner ISN'T doing to make them feel loved.

It's also possible he's down something you'll hate and is too scared to tell you, either cheated or something else, like failed school, moving away, something. Or he might have a serious problem with the relationship and doesn't not what to do about. Either way the only option to talk, talk, talk, and then talk.

If he wants to break up with but can't face it, you'll know pretty quick if you give him the option to say it. i.e. "Are you trying to break up with me?".... "(pause)....Yes!". Then just walk away. If you ask this a few times and he says "No" then pin him down and say "Then what the hell is the problem?" Maybe he just wants space. I love being in a relationship but that doesn't mean I want EVERYTHING to be done together. How clingy are you? Don't ask your friends, female friends will say you're 100% right and are completely useless in raising your self-awareness. Ask him and see what he says.

I hope you're feeling brave enough for the answers. Good luck.

 

[Shycte]

I was too scared to confront my ex about her cheating on me, and it lead to an unfortunate series of events.

Spoiler: Like this?

OT: Yeah, I'd say confront him about it. Either way he has no right to ignore you like that. I'm mean like, less sex? That's just not acceptable.