How do I deal with this?

[Internet Kraken]

I've never considered random people on the internet to be a good source for help with personal problems, but I figure why the hell not ask. It's not like asking is going to ruin things more for me.

Look, I never had a good time at school. The friends I did have I rarely saw, I alienated a lot of people with poor choices, and I've turned a lot of people against me. I've dealt with all of that. But when I was having troubles with my social life, I always knew that there was one place I could go to escape; home. Home was where I could just be at ease, forget about my miserable and pathetic circumstances, feel loved, and just live a good life. It's what a home should be for everyone, and it's what kept me from being permanently depressed throughout my life.

But now I have to face the grim reality that even my home isn't free from trouble anymore. MY parents hate each other. They're going to get divorced. Deep down I always knew this was coming, but I never thought about it. I never wanted to, because the idea of the one thing that kept me truly happy being ruined was heart breaking. But now that things are finally going into motion, I have to accept this. As a seventeen year old, I should have accepted it. My brothers have, my parents have, my relatives have, so I should have.

But I can't. I keep trying to run from the issue. To avoid thinking about it until the very end. Sometimes I'm forced to confront it, often breaking down as a result. But after those break downs I felt renewed, like I had finally accepted what was going on. But it wouldn't be long before I'm once again denying the issue and have no longer accepted it. I feel immature and pathetic. I want to be able to get over this and live my life, to stop being depressed over something I can't change. But no matter what I do, I can never truly deal with this issue. And it's really starting to mess with my behavior.

So anyone have any advice for how I can truly accept my circumstances and stop being depressed about them?

 

[Imp Poster]

Wow, that has to be hard for you. I am sensing that you are the youngest of your siblings(atleast your brothers) too. I am really liking that you know how you feel. And if you are not of an adult age and still live with them, something like this will make you grow up faster than usual. At least they stayed together till you were 17. Could you imagine if they divorced when you were younger? What you are comprehending now may not have been there if you were younger. They hate each other so you could understand that maybe living apart maybe cause a better relationship for the both of them and the family around them. How you make your home sound, they both must love you and they will continue to do so. I don't believe that would change. And I think if you can find a way to communicate with your family about this situation and your feelings about everything you said here, I think you may find what you are looking for. Some understanding, affirmations, and such.

 

[Sonofadiddly]

You've got to give yourself time. Be patient. What you described - the breaking down, feeling renewed, and then feeling crappy again - is exactly the pattern I went through recently. You can't expect one cry to make you completely better. Something like this will take a long time to heal from. But things will calm down, and you will eventually feel better. Emotional wounds heal as gradually as physical ones.

In the mean time, talking about it helps. Find sympathy in your family members. And don't stay at home too much. Put some extra effort into going out with the friends you do have. Be nice to yourself and have fun.

 

[Jonluw]

Well, the fact that your parents are getting divorced doesn't necessarily mean that your safe home environment will be ruined. Sure, there will be two homes, but there's nothing stopping those two from being good homes all the same.

If it's not too late, you should perhaps ask that whichever parent moves out doesn't move too far away. I know people with divorced parents who - because the parents' houses are merely a five minute walk from each other - can move between homes at will. If the homes are this close, moving between houses at regular intervals won't be such a big deal.

 

[Robert632]

Honestly, Just try your very hardest to live your life as normally as you can. You probably won't even accept it until it's actually happened, anyway. Plus it won't be that bad. Sure, you will only get to see on parent rarely, but they'll still love you all the same, and as another little bonus, If they seperate, then your home won't become another horrible place to be.

 

[Internet Kraken]

Wow, that has to be hard for you. I am sensing that you are the youngest of your siblings(atleast your brothers) too.

I'm actually the second oldest. My youngest brother is only 10, and I thought this would hit him the hardest. But no, he's actually more okay with it than me. Which is one the reasons I feel so pathetic about this. Everyone's moving on but me.

Well, the fact that your parents are getting divorced doesn't necessarily mean that your safe home environment will be ruined. Sure, there will be two homes, but there's nothing stopping those two from being good homes all the same.

Well the thing is I'm losing the home I grew up in two, because both of them have to move out. The house is to expensive for one of them to keep, so both of them are moving to a new home. That's another reason this is hard on me. I grew attached to my home and the surrounding environment, and the idea of losing that makes me depressed.

I don't even get why though. It's not like I'm going to be affected by this nearly as much as my 2 younger brothers. I'm going to college in less than a year. When I talked to my older brother about this, he said that I shouldn't care that much since I won't be around to experience it. I'm tempted to agree with him on that. I feel like I'm getting depressed over something I should be able to deal with at this age.

 

[Jonluw]

Well, the fact that your parents are getting divorced doesn't necessarily mean that your safe home environment will be ruined. Sure, there will be two homes, but there's nothing stopping those two from being good homes all the same.

Well the thing is I'm losing the home I grew up in two, because both of them have to move out. The house is to expensive for one of them to keep, so both of them are moving to a new home. That's another reason this is hard on me. I grew attached to my home and the surrounding environment, and the idea of losing that makes me depressed.

I don't even get why though. It's not like I'm going to be affected by this nearly as much as my 2 younger brothers. I'm going to college in less than a year. When I talked to my older brother about this, he said that I shouldn't care that much since I won't be around to experience it. I'm tempted to agree with him on that. I feel like I'm getting depressed over something I should be able to deal with at this age.

I don't know what to tell you then. I'm not the kind of person who's bothered by that kind of things.

 

[Sonofadiddly]

There are some possible reasons for you to be having a harder time than your younger siblings. You might have grown more attached to your home than they have. You might be more emotionally sensitive or mature enough to understand the importance of one's home as a secure environment. It might also be harder for you if you don't have anything outside the home to cling to for support. A lack of friends would make a situation like this all the more difficult.

Don't think that you shouldn't care about this. Your emotions are always valid.

 

[zombiesinc]

But I can't. I keep trying to run from the issue. To avoid thinking about it until the very end. Sometimes I'm forced to confront it, often breaking down as a result. But after those break downs I felt renewed, like I had finally accepted what was going on. But it wouldn't be long before I'm once again denying the issue and have no longer accepted it. I feel immature and pathetic. I want to be able to get over this and live my life, to stop being depressed over something I can't change. But no matter what I do, I can never truly deal with this issue. And it's really starting to mess with my behavior.

So anyone have any advice for how I can truly accept my circumstances and stop being depressed about them?

When you find yourself struggling with this reality, remind yourself why it's happening. It's not a situation anyone likes to be in, but a divorce between two people is the acceptance that the relationship is no longer working, and more importantly, making them happy. I have no doubts that the last thing either of your parents want to do is get a divorce, because it's something that will affect you guys. But their happiness is just as important as yours, and if they force themselves to stay together for the sake of family, they'll very likely be unhappy, which in turn will affect you guys.

It's not an easy or wanted situation, but unfortunately, sometimes it's for the best. Eventually your parents will be happier, and although you won't be seeing them together in your home, they'll still be there for you as much as they can. Your home may not feel quite right for a while, but in time it'll get easier to face, and one day you'll possibly be happy they got a divorce, instead of trying to stay in a relationship that makes them unhappy.

 

[Internet Kraken]

Thanks for the advice guys. I am trying to get through this, even if its tempting to continue ignoring it for as long as possible. Things could always be worse I suppose. I should just be glad that my younger brother had an easier time accepting this than I did. I was worried this would devastate him.

 

[rutger5000]

I always hated going home, and you could say that I ran away when I got the chance. I also always hoped that my parents would just get it over with and divorce. Now they have a better relationship, mainly because of the heaps of effort my father put into it. So it's kinda hard for me to imagine how you feel.
But doesn't basic logic apply here? If you home-live sucks then escape to your not-home-live. If that sucks too, then work on making it better. Try to get in touch with your old friends again, or start making some new ones. I highly recommend just trying to make friends with complete and utter strangers. The world would be a much happier place if people would be more interested and have more trust in strangers. I certainly became a lot happier when I did that.