You know I've always suspected that there's quite a few gamers out there who get depressed. There's no doubt in my mind that I wouldn't be so heavily into gaming if I was fully well, that's not to say it isn't a cracking hobby for the sane
. When I feel good I enjoy it more, mostly because its part of a balanced lifestyle.
Its not something that's easy to talk about, especially on the internet. I mean there's some truly awful advice here* but considering this is teh webs this is quite an honest and admirable thread. In fact I wouldn't pretend to give advice even though this is an illness I've been wrestling with the past six years (hardcore huh - actually not really, seems its been messing other folk in this thread about for longer than I've been alive), I can just may be hint at insights, tell you what's worked for me.
So this is mostly going to be some egocentric, poorly constructed spiel, might even be lengthy. I don't apologise for that - its the bloddy internet, I'll do what I like. Rawr. After all, as has been suggested elsewhere 'tis good to talk/write (edit: I've often thought of blogging - I've enjoyed writing this hehe - but blogging is so err ugh, isn't it?). If you find someone to talk to who actually understands I can't express the sense of relief that brings. Find someone like that, you'll be surprised how many people have suffered with this. Probably 20% of the people you know, may be more, depending how old you are and the honesty/openess of your friends and relations. Having said that, you haven't been very clear how bad it is for you. Its not a bad idea to see a decent GP and talk it through with him. If you're not so bad its important to recognise that, that can be a liberating thought in itself. But the fact that you've come to define it as depression and make a thread about it suggests something ain't right. Its good you're looking for advice, but like I said this isn't the best place to take it from - that goes for anything I say too, I'm not professional or anything and I could well say somehting completely unhelpful.
For me it first started when I left school. In my worse(?) moments I come to the conclusion that I can't deal with the real world or some such shit. You will tell yourself a lot of shit, that's a symptom but some of it will be half true - after all this is an illness that does succeed in making you less of a person, someone who can achieve less, contribute less. That's sad but I know it to be true. This illness has crippled me, or may be its my crippled mind that causes the depression. Its hard to analyze.
I honestly expect to be dealing with it for the rest of my life. I've found myself starting to lose the kind of pure hope and ambition I had in my yoof. That's partly growing up, but its also partly out of disillusionment. I know that if I put my mind to something the black dog will be along soon enough to destroy any progress and squash all thoughts of bettering myself.
So whether I couldn't come to terms with life changes I really don't know. But I hope that some time I will find a *place* where I'm happy. Whether that's a physical, relational, financial, metaphorical... or whatever place I really have no clue. Or more likely my brain will need to get better. In my sobre-minded moments I'm able to see that my mind is completely messed up, my thought processes are horribly misguided and unhelpful, even torturous.
This illness is shit - no apologies for the swearing, its entirely appropriate in any discussion about depression. In fact normally I don't swear much at all - and anyone who tells you to shake it by doing a, b or c or a combination of the three should go shove the aformentioned letters up their arse.
OK I've come to the point where I've realised I'm just having thought diarrohea and getting faint satisfaction that its out there on the internet for people to read. So lets WRAP IT UP! \o/
What works? Gaming helps to a degree. I played multiplayer Civ 4 and then EvE really intensively for eighteen months, because I just thought fuck real life. I'm not going to recommend that, but I know it'd have been much worse if I didn't game. I'm in a better place now, though if you're detecting a negative vibe in this post you can attribute it to the fact that I've taken a realtively small dive lately. I've decided to keep gaming - annoyingly I can't seem to get to like an MP game, rubbish bandwidth doesn't help - and if you're feeling reasonably ok its a fantastic way to keep your mind occupied. Its much better as part of a 'balanced life' however.
The one constant in my life and the one thing that if I keep going I know there is a chance I'll feel better is my job. That consistency is crucial. I hate my job, its minimum wage, I'm capable of much better (if I was well). Sorry if that sounds cocky, but I find it impossibly hard to come to terms with the fact that I'm achieving and have achieved much much less than I might have.
I've been meaning to stalk the Escapist for a while now - seems there's a good crew here, so I'll get stuck in. Hooray, welcome me and all that. Epic first post huh.
* I'm gonna act the teacher here and there's rarely any point admonishing internet ppls, but wtf? don't joke about advising the OP to kill themselves. If the thought has crossed your mind - and that's normal and to be expected - just realise how selfish an action it is. Its utterly unfair on friends and family. Please, don't start considering that.
P.s. Where da smileys at? Oh and anyone who'd like to have a merry chat and a biscuit about this most heartening of subjects is more than welcome to do so. Various contact methods available in my profile (.............I need internet friends
) .
