Despite the title, this is not a thread giving you advice on how to find a partner. Rather, I want to debunk a few popular misconceptions that we "nerds"(or rather, socially inept people with unusual hobbies) keep getting told, yet is totally useless advice.
Misconception 1 You can't find a girlfriend because you're not "cool" enough. Start living more healthily, improve your body, work on your behavior patterns, etc. etc. Nobody likes "that weird guy".
You see this kind of view a lot on the net. It kinda almost makes sense, I mean to find a partner, you'll want to suit the ideal of most women, right? Wrong. Let me tell you something: Most women(and men) out there are incredibly superficial. This not only means that they'll judge you by pretty fucked up standards, it also means they're not going to be very satisfying partners for you at all. If you follow the above advice, you might "get laid", but you will *not* find a satisfying relationship.
If you feel bad about yourself because you "can't get it on" with these people, like I have in the past, just remember that it's not really something wrong with *you*, it's more something fucked up with *society at large*. Trying to "play to their rules" is not going to help you. What you need to do is to become confident about the person you are, including all the things society at large disapproves of. In other words, you need to be able to show yourself to others as the person you are, without feeling embarrassed.Once you have that, there is no reason a worthwhile potential partner would not be able to love you for what you are.
Misconception 2 There is the "right partner" for you out there somewhere
I just talked about sticking to your guns, seeing as a "worthwhile partner" would accept you for what you are, just as long as you can accept yourself. However, how does one find such a "worthwhile partner"? Does such a person even exist in this world?
Well, we have billions of people on the planet. Chances are, there are at least a few thousand who would make a good partner for you. The problem is, even with that many, you'll likely never meet them. Even more annoyingly, if you meet one such person in your life, it's not unlikely you'll meet several of them. Yep, several "perfect partners". Uhm, what was that about monogamy again?
What this really boils down to, is that I can't say anything nice to you here. It's mostly luck-based, really. Sure, if you become socially active, you will meet more people. But you might get to know thousands and thousands of people, and still not meet anyone among them who would make an adequate partner. Again, this doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, in fact it might mean there are a lot of things "right" with you that unfortunately make it unlikely to find a partner on "equal" standing.
Meanwhile, you might just end up meeting the right partner by total chance. At school, uni, work, some random place you go to.. Heck, even the internets. It could happen. And there's not much you can do about it, other than not totally shut yourself in.
So at the end of the day, you might live out your life, and never meet "that person". Which is okay, it's not your fault, you know? And you might feel pretty sad about that. That's okay, too, after all we have a fundamental longing for "love", and if we don't get that, yeah, that'll mess things up. But don't be tempted to try and become "someone else" just so the normal women take an interest in you. And also don't be tempted to just live out life, and expect the right partner to come along eventually - It MIGHT happen, but it also might not.
Some day, we might have our life behind us, and we might look back and be sad that we couldn't find "that person". However, that's how things go. We won't be better or worse for it. We'll just have lived a different life, made different experiences, than some other people. I think the most important thing is to accept such a possible outcome. Once we do that, we can become more relaxed about the opportunities we are presented, and it'll just lead to a more worthwhile and pleasant life.
Misconception 1 You can't find a girlfriend because you're not "cool" enough. Start living more healthily, improve your body, work on your behavior patterns, etc. etc. Nobody likes "that weird guy".
You see this kind of view a lot on the net. It kinda almost makes sense, I mean to find a partner, you'll want to suit the ideal of most women, right? Wrong. Let me tell you something: Most women(and men) out there are incredibly superficial. This not only means that they'll judge you by pretty fucked up standards, it also means they're not going to be very satisfying partners for you at all. If you follow the above advice, you might "get laid", but you will *not* find a satisfying relationship.
If you feel bad about yourself because you "can't get it on" with these people, like I have in the past, just remember that it's not really something wrong with *you*, it's more something fucked up with *society at large*. Trying to "play to their rules" is not going to help you. What you need to do is to become confident about the person you are, including all the things society at large disapproves of. In other words, you need to be able to show yourself to others as the person you are, without feeling embarrassed.Once you have that, there is no reason a worthwhile potential partner would not be able to love you for what you are.
Misconception 2 There is the "right partner" for you out there somewhere
I just talked about sticking to your guns, seeing as a "worthwhile partner" would accept you for what you are, just as long as you can accept yourself. However, how does one find such a "worthwhile partner"? Does such a person even exist in this world?
Well, we have billions of people on the planet. Chances are, there are at least a few thousand who would make a good partner for you. The problem is, even with that many, you'll likely never meet them. Even more annoyingly, if you meet one such person in your life, it's not unlikely you'll meet several of them. Yep, several "perfect partners". Uhm, what was that about monogamy again?
What this really boils down to, is that I can't say anything nice to you here. It's mostly luck-based, really. Sure, if you become socially active, you will meet more people. But you might get to know thousands and thousands of people, and still not meet anyone among them who would make an adequate partner. Again, this doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, in fact it might mean there are a lot of things "right" with you that unfortunately make it unlikely to find a partner on "equal" standing.
Meanwhile, you might just end up meeting the right partner by total chance. At school, uni, work, some random place you go to.. Heck, even the internets. It could happen. And there's not much you can do about it, other than not totally shut yourself in.
So at the end of the day, you might live out your life, and never meet "that person". Which is okay, it's not your fault, you know? And you might feel pretty sad about that. That's okay, too, after all we have a fundamental longing for "love", and if we don't get that, yeah, that'll mess things up. But don't be tempted to try and become "someone else" just so the normal women take an interest in you. And also don't be tempted to just live out life, and expect the right partner to come along eventually - It MIGHT happen, but it also might not.
Some day, we might have our life behind us, and we might look back and be sad that we couldn't find "that person". However, that's how things go. We won't be better or worse for it. We'll just have lived a different life, made different experiences, than some other people. I think the most important thing is to accept such a possible outcome. Once we do that, we can become more relaxed about the opportunities we are presented, and it'll just lead to a more worthwhile and pleasant life.
