"How to find a girlfriend" - Some myths debunked

[shootthebandit]

There is no right or wrong way. Its pretty damn hard to find someone you like enough to let into your life. I dont want to give you any dumb "chicks dig bad guys" advice. Just simple advice to keep you going

I have 3 bits of advice

1) be yourself: you want someone to like you for who you are

2) put yourself out their: dont be afraid to ask someone out. Seriously people just sit back and expect people to pick up on their hints (this is especially true for women trying to pick up a man)

3) persevere: if you get shot down. Pick yourself up, dust yourself down and move on. You will probably get shot down a lot of times (Ive been shot down that many times i need to keep track of it in scientific notation)

Slightly off topic: ive tried to keep my post gender neutral because there are girls out their struggling to find a boyfriend too

N.b im no expert. Hell im trying to look for a serious relationship and like i said its not easy. So carry on guys and girls and dont give up

 

[shootthebandit]

While I get what you're saying (and if people have actually said that to you then wow, that's incredibly harsh), you can't expect anyone to go out with someone they're not physically attracted to.

I agree although I think sometimes people can set their standards far too high. I hate to use such a shallow phrase but a lot of people expect to be "punching above their weight". I know its a horrible thing to say but you cant expect a slightly below average guy (like myself) to be going out with a supermodel. Yes its possible but its not likely. Personally I dont get offended if a girl doesnt find me attractive. Id just rather they were honest about it rather than trying to let me down gently or giving me a stupid excuse

Id say that those who complain about others being "shallow" or "superficial" are more likely to have unrealistic standards themselves

If you are expecting like you said "a detailed checklist" then you will be waiting forever and a day for someone

 

[Eamar]

I hate to use such a shallow phrase but a lot of people expect to be "punching above their weight". I know its a horrible thing to say but you cant expect a slightly below average guy (like myself) to be going out with a supermodel. Yes its possible but its not likely.

Totally agree, it amuses/annoys me when people (obligatory clarification: not just men - women do it too) are massively hypocritical about their "standards", ie when they expect to get away with putting no effort into their own appearance or fitness but demand that their partner have the body of a lingerie model/hunky fireman.

[small]Without wishing to open a whole can of worms, the "Nice Guys" we all love to hate talking about often seem to complain about how the hottest girl in their school isn't interested in their completely average selves, while acting as if the female population that doesn't fit the "perfect 10" category doesn't exist. Hell, even that guy who shot a load of people yesterday was complaining because "hot blondes" weren't into him.[/small]

However, that's not really what I was getting at, as I'm sure you know I was just trying to emphasise the fact that you can't force physical attraction, and that you really, really need some sort of physical attraction for a healthy relationship. I know because I've tried.

 

[shootthebandit]

Totally agree, it amuses/annoys me when people (obligatory clarification: not just men - women do it too) are massively hypocritical about their "standards", ie when they expect to get away with putting no effort into their own appearance or fitness but demand that their partner have the body of a lingerie model/hunky fireman.

Im really glad you kept it gender neutral. People who expect to put no effort in and get nothing in return. Im not the most vein person but I still like to keep my hair neat and put on a decent shirt/shoes when I go out. Its a bit naive to put no effort in and expect everything in return

[small]Without wishing to open a whole can of worms, the "Nice Guys" we all love to hate talking about often seem to complain about how the hottest girl in their school isn't interested in their completely average selves, while acting as if the female population that doesn't fit the "perfect 10" category doesn't exist. Hell, even that guy who shot a load of people yesterday was complaining because "hot blondes" weren't into him.[/small]

Its all very hypocritical and naive. I wouldve thought that by the age of 22 he wouldve grown out of this childish view (although I dont really want to talk about him).

These "nice guys" really irritate me. I consider myself to be a nice guy but I never expect anything in return. Its really a shame that because of these guys if im genuinely nice to a girl I seem like a creep or a letch even if my intention is innocent

However, that's not really what I was getting at, as I'm sure you know I was just trying to emphasise the fact that you can't force physical attraction, and that you really, really need some sort of physical attraction for a healthy relationship. I know because I've tried.

As much as it shouldnt be the case I cant help but agree. If I was in the situation you mentioned, id much rather the girl was honest from the beginning rather than leading me along hoping it will work. I respect you for being nice and humouring a good guy but as you said it just leaves you guilty and I hope you were polite and honest with them with being nasty

 

[Thaluikhain]

Its really a shame that because of these guys if im genuinely nice to a girl I seem like a creep or a letch even if my intention is innocent

I don't think you would be. Nice Guys[sup]TM[/sup], they reveal themselves as not being nice guys.

OTOH, though, they'd consider themselves to be nice guys, it's always a bit of a worry to consider yourself something like that, because it's very easy to consider yourself, rather than be.

 

[shootthebandit]

Its really a shame that because of these guys if im genuinely nice to a girl I seem like a creep or a letch even if my intention is innocent

I don't think you would be. Nice Guys[sup]TM[/sup], they reveal themselves as not being nice guys.

OTOH, though, they'd consider themselves to be nice guys, it's always a bit of a worry to consider yourself something like that, because it's very easy to consider yourself, rather than be.

I think its perfectly reasonable to consider yourself to be nice without being a "nice guy". I like helping people (male and female) and I never expect anything in return (be it money or sex). I can be a dickhead like everyone else (trust me im a dickhead a lot) but in general I consider myself to be nice

im not saying im some hero or jesus type figure but what i am saying is that being nice to people is a quality I admire a lot so I try to be a nice person myself

 

[Thaluikhain]

I think its perfectly reasonable to consider yourself to be nice without being a "nice guy". I like helping people (male and female) and I never expect anything in return (be it money or sex). I can be a dickhead like everyone else (trust me im a dickhead a lot) but in general I consider myself to be nice

im not saying im some hero or jesus type figure but what i am saying is that being nice to people is a quality I admire a lot so I try to be a nice person myself

Oh, sure, you should always try to do that, but whether or not you succeed is something that, IMHO, you can't really decide for yourself.

 

[stroopwafel]

Slightly off topic: ive tried to keep my post gender neutral because there are girls out their struggling to find a boyfriend too.

True, I know women that are very bitter and frustrated. Similarly as for guys its emotionally painful when a girl rejects your avances, for a girl its often the same thing when a guy wants to have sex with her but don't see her as 'relationship material' or favors other girls over her. Not being recognized bites into self-worth similarly as repeated rejection. People, in general, want to be valued. The differences in gender just means we express it differently. But bitterness and frustration remains off-putting either way. People often tend to seek examples to their own predilections so they remain affirmed of whatever ridiculous belief they have. Be it that ''women only want bad boys'' or ''all men are pigs''.

As for the topic at hand, I won't deny that for some its more difficult to find 'love' than for others. Like Eamar said, attraction is pre-cognitive and we don't get to choose who we love. But don't give up so easily or mope over perceived 'failure' or take rejection personal. Life is unfair and will remain so till the day you die. The more you obsess over this the more depressed you'll be. Try and be happy even without much romance(trust me, if that is the worst of your problems you have it pretty good) and when you're rejected by the girl you fancy don't take it personal and turn into a spiteful, self-entitled prick. Take that retard in the news for example. Killed people, destroyed families and still died a lonely virgin.

There will always be other women and other opportunities so don't dwell on desperation.

 

[Frankster]

snip

Right sorry for the delayed answer.

A) Ostracized for having specific interests happens, I don't see what's abnormal about it.
Replace gaming by I dunno, MLP: fim or anime or specific types of music, depending on the crowd you're with what might have been acceptable with one crowd becomes the subject of scorn from another.
Heck even on this very site people like to put down others opinions, even between us geeks we ostracize other geeks.

B) I'm gonna assume you mean back in Uni? Well it's a bit late now, but nope actually my most recent uni didn't have much in terms of student clubs, all there was was religious groups.
If you mean currently, then I've tried going to events from "meetup.com" as was the advice given by escapists here.
Ultimately I found those to be expensive wastes of time that has me traveling all the way across London for little results, it simply wasn't practical nor was I really finding success meeting people.

3) Fair enough, I understand your stance and am glad you've found a balance that works for you.

4) It would be nice if every person I met was accepting of all my interests but that has rarely been the case. As I've said before it was either adapt or being socially miserable.

That said this hasn't stopped me making great friends, even if their views on games are very negative Out of the 3 best friends I've made in my life, 1 is antigamer and 1 tolerates them but think they are dumb and for kids/adolescents.
Actually one of the more recent friends I've made within the last year, a pretty blonde girl who quite enjoyed her status as prettiest in the class I was in, had such a negative view of gaming that when I told her that female gamers exist she was all shocked and viewed those "poor" girls almost like they had some sort of mental disorder. When I told her I knew a few she told me it was my duty to "help" them out cos for a girl to be wasting her time with games there must be something wrong with her xD

Ranting a bit, but yeh figured I'd share an example of the kinda people I deal with and befriend

 

[rosac]

Here's a good one that I've found rings true with regards to finding a girlfriend. In the words of a modern English poet-

"Don't be jel, be reem"
-Essex, J.

Basically if your mate pulls more frequently/has a girlfriend and you don't, the be happy for them. Don't be jealous that they, or whoever, is getting more action than you. You'll just look like a dick, and if people find out, desperate. Not ideal.

 

[Dragonbums]

Let me just tell you this as a lady.

We aren't puzzles, we aren't enigmas, and we aren't some sort of video game course. We are people. And as people we come in all sorts of personalities, quirks, interests, passions, dislikes, etc.

There is the stereotype of if you want to show a women you love her give her roses. Me- personally- I like videogames, and plushies (especially Pokemon and dragon ones) you give me one of those and I'm considering you someone who has taken the time to really know me.

I don't care about whether or not you have model abs. As long as your clean and well kempt I'm okay hanging around you. Show some fucking personality. Being nice is only a baseline standard for me tolerating being around you. But it gives me nothing to go on. Period.


And honestly it's different from person to person. The only way to get yourself a girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever is to first and foremost GET TO KNOW THE PERSON. Know what they like, dislike. Know their ticks. Snuff out any major negatives that you can see grate on you as time goes on. (Does she like to leave her junk on the table and never pick up after herself? Does that piss you off) Make sure that when you do get angry with them, that you can always bounce back from it. Nothing is happy roses in relationships. You should be able to get pissed at your spouse and deep down know that in a few days time you both can talk out the issue and put it past them.

There are no "rules" There are never rules to dating. Only guidelines. From there it is up to you to find out about this person you covet. AND to find out if you love them in a shallow sense, or if you can truly see yourself spending the rest of your life with this person.

 

[Canadamus Prime]

I've never beloved in #2. People keep telling me "Oh you'll find the right person for you eventually." or something to that effect. I didn't believe it when I was 20 and I find it even harder to believe now that I'm 32. Of course being a social recluse doesn't really help my chances any.

 

[Optiluiz]

Well, that whole thing about getting fit and healthier actually helps because you need to be fine with yourself before even thinking of establishing a relationship. However, I didn't actually get a girlfriend, she just sorta found me. I think the best way really is to make (girl)friends and move on from there. There's no such thing as a friendzone if you make your intentions clear.

 

[Zanderinfal]

Snip Snippy Snippington the 3rd

Ah, that makes much more sense. Thanks for clarifying, I understand now

Us ugly people have the added issue of being taken at face value of societies good looking= worth while. less atrractive people = not worth your time.

ive had women say they wish i was more handsome and then they would go out with me. because they have a certain attractiveness standard.

Sad how shallow, conceited and self adsorbed people are

That's so sad. I feel ya man, I really do. Personally, I don't care too much about looks, but I know other people do and it's so bullshit.

 

[DudeistBelieve]

Us ugly people have the added issue of being taken at face value of societies good looking= worth while. less atrractive people = not worth your time.

ive had women say they wish i was more handsome and then they would go out with me. because they have a certain attractiveness standard.

Sad how shallow, conceited and self adsorbed people are

While I get what you're saying (and if people have actually said that to you then wow, that's incredibly harsh), you can't expect anyone to go out with someone they're not physically attracted to. Not that someone actually has to be "ugly" for that to be the case, of course, we all have our own preferences after all. But for a relationship to be viable you do have to "do it" for each other physically as well as mentally, and that's not a bad thing. You don't have to be "shallow, conceited and self-absorbed" to reject someone because you don't find them physically attractive.

Trust me, I've been with several people I didn't find physically attractive because they were good people who I otherwise liked and I felt I should "give them a chance." It's always a huge mistake, just leads to bitterness and hurt feelings all round. Not to mention sex with someone you're not attracted to on a basic physical level is just all kinds of unpleasant, especially when you start feeling guilty about it because you feel like you should be into them. I'd really hate for someone to feel that way about me.

Sorry, got sidetracked there. What I'm trying to say is there's nothing wrong with people having physical "standards" when looking for partners. Not a detailed checklist of required features, obviously, but a basic attractiveness standard is no bad thing. Fortunately, despite what the media might try to tell you, those "standards" are not universal and different people have different ones.

Ha, been down that same exact road before.

And while what you're saying is true, cause sex is the glue that holds together a relationship, does make wonder about later in life.

I mean right now we're all youthful and the like, but eventually we're going to be old... I wonder how much looks really matter then?

 

[Johnny Impact]

Instructions unclear. Ended up fucking a cucumber.

I lol'd. Thanks!

Myth: The population at large understands relationships... like at all.

/thread

OT: If I had one piece of advice on the subject, it would be to ignore all advice on the subject. Advice almost universally falls into one of the following categories:

Tunnel Vision
1) Arrogant And/Or Selfish Superimposition of Their Wants Over Yours. Parents are great at this. Every mother wants her daughter to marry a doctor. Doesn't matter if he's an emotionally distant, sulking alcoholic with all the personality of toenail fungus, as long as he's rich and prestigious.
2) One Size Fits All. This person has The Answer. "Marriage is the only path to happiness." "Gay people can never be happy until they figure out they're really straight." And so forth. Life does not sum up in one sentence.

False Qualifications
1) That Person You Know In A Successful Relationship. This person has enjoyed the unbelievable good fortune to have a good relationship. Consciously or not, he mistakenly takes full credit for this. Therefore, he believes anyone who doesn't enjoy the same unbelievable good fortune is somehow not trying hard enough. He will condescend to you without meaning to.
2) The Professional. This person might be a therapist, or a sociology major, or just about anything that sounds smart. He will try to use gobbledegook he got from a textbook. The thing to remember is no degree or career is sufficient to the task of perfecting human relations. Sure, he's got a degree, but his own relationships aren't perfect. I don't have numbers for this, but I bet the divorce rate is the same among therapists and counselors as among the general population.

No Qualifications Whatsoever
1) The Big-Mouthed Idiot. Thinks he can fix your romantic life -- often with a single pithy sentence along the lines of "we need to get you laid" -- even though his own relationships universally end in total goddamn train wrecks.
2) The Trite Platitude. Anyone who throws "there's someone for everyone" at you should be punched in the face. Since that's illegal, the thing to do is never listen to a word they say ever again. Or, you know, look for witnesses and then hit them.

I could go on. I would estimate of all the advice I have been given on the subject -- and there has been a lot, as I am almost unbelievably unsuccessful at socializing -- perhaps 1% was actually useful. With that kind of ratio, whenever someone tells me what I should do, I just tune out.

 

[Lilani]

First of all, I see some conflation between "finding a girlfriend" and "finding someone to fuck," and I don't think the difference here can be overstated. The first question you have to ask yourself is, are you looking for a long-term romantic partner, or just to hook up with somebody? Because the qualifications for these partners and approaches are very different.

I've never been the type to seek hook-ups, so the only advice I can offer is on seeking the long-term relationships. As others have said, my experience and observations have lead me to believe that many great and enduring relationships start as friendships. For this to happen, the best approach is to...basically not have an approach. Just stop "looking." Make friends as you normally do, hang out as you normally do. Don't seek out people because you're looking for a relationship, just seek out friends for the sake of having friends. Eventually you may decide you like one of them a bit more, or one of them may like you a bit more. My relationship with my boyfriend of a year and a half started this way, and so did the relationship between my brother and sister in law of 4 years (with 7 years of dating before the marriage), and my mom and dad of 33 years.

I'm not going to say relationships can't last if they don't start as friendships, or if you first meet the person and are aware you want to be in a relationship with them. However to me it's a very natural progression of feelings. "Love at first sight" can happen I believe, but from what I can tell it doesn't happen nearly as often as people slowly growing closer as they get to know each other better.

And of course, this works best if you're already good at gaining friends of the opposite sex without them feeling completely alien compared to your friends of the same sex. If you are prone to that sort of anxiety or difficulty having friends of the opposite sex...well again, that's something outside my area of expertise. I feel like I can make up advice for this, but honestly I feel like the best relationship advice comes from people who have had some kind of exposure or firsthand experience in whatever particular area you're talking about. And advice that is fudged on this subject in particular can have some pretty serious ramifications.

 

[sweetylnumb]

So....what your saying is don't bother trying to be active and intelligent and interesting because "fuck it, its all based on luck anyway and being a better person/partner doesn't even help" ????


Wrong.

Sorry.
Try again.

Yes people are shallow but if your a crappy person with no attractive qualities, really, what do you expect.
Not that you have to be skinny/buff/attractive but you have to be or have or do SOMETHING worthwhile.

 

[MeTalHeD]

Totally agree, it amuses/annoys me when people (obligatory clarification: not just men - women do it too) are massively hypocritical about their "standards", ie when they expect to get away with putting no effort into their own appearance or fitness but demand that their partner have the body of a lingerie model/hunky fireman.

Im really glad you kept it gender neutral. People who expect to put no effort in and get nothing in return. Im not the most vein person but I still like to keep my hair neat and put on a decent shirt/shoes when I go out. Its a bit naive to put no effort in and expect everything in return

[small]Without wishing to open a whole can of worms, the "Nice Guys" we all love to hate talking about often seem to complain about how the hottest girl in their school isn't interested in their completely average selves, while acting as if the female population that doesn't fit the "perfect 10" category doesn't exist. Hell, even that guy who shot a load of people yesterday was complaining because "hot blondes" weren't into him.[/small]

Its all very hypocritical and naive. I wouldve thought that by the age of 22 he wouldve grown out of this childish view (although I dont really want to talk about him).

These "nice guys" really irritate me. I consider myself to be a nice guy but I never expect anything in return. Its really a shame that because of these guys if im genuinely nice to a girl I seem like a creep or a letch even if my intention is innocent

However, that's not really what I was getting at, as I'm sure you know I was just trying to emphasise the fact that you can't force physical attraction, and that you really, really need some sort of physical attraction for a healthy relationship. I know because I've tried.

As much as it shouldnt be the case I cant help but agree. If I was in the situation you mentioned, id much rather the girl was honest from the beginning rather than leading me along hoping it will work. I respect you for being nice and humouring a good guy but as you said it just leaves you guilty and I hope you were polite and honest with them with being nasty

Reminds me of when comedian Louis CK says to the audience you shouldn't get peoples' hopes up if they are unattractive by saying there is someone out there for everyone. The audience "aaaws" a bit and he replies "well then you go sleep with them if you feel so bad for them" (I took out the swear words ) - I say this because you guys are right. People are incredibly shallow and it is mostly because our definition of beauty is being sold to us daily by media and society at large. For example, in the west, tall and slender is attractive. In African culture, curvier women are more attractive (it is also acceptable in some cultures for men and women to be overweight because it is seen as a sign of prosperity - hence increasing levels of diabetes and obesity in South Africa, for example).

Also, that being led on thing sucks. It's like the whole friend zone theory. I do believe at some point a man will consider himself in the friendzone (happened to me all through high school and university) but at some point you have to stop believing the fairytale. Just as women are waiting on prince charming, men are looking out for their princesses too. This is why we end up trying to punch above our weight. I remember when someone actually asked me "how would you describe your life right now?" and I said "boring" and she replies "well, why would you want to offer someone else a boring life?"

It hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought that by being a "nice guy" (read: human doormat) some beautiful woman would see my effort, appreciate me for who I am (average looks and all) and want to marry the hell out of me as soon as possible. I also had to get over the fact that not all women are nice...some are quite mean and despite what the world tells you, they aren't all delicate creatures.

Once you understand that, you begin to stand up for yourself. You aren't afraid to say "no". Ironically, when I started changing the boring stuff about me (such as low confidence, being overweight, having few friends and my overly stressful job), I started to get the attention of some women. I once spoke to a former male model (he got really fit from boxing training, by the way) and he explained that while he had slept with many gorgeous woman, he settled on someone who wasn't a model. Why? Because she was loyal and had a personality. She may not have been ready for a photoshoot, but he said he was extremely happy with her.

At some point, gentlemen, we have to wake up and realise that it is not our life goal to bang every hot woman we see. Those below average high school and college comedies where the freshmen are trying to get the hottest girl in school are ridiculous. It is unrealistic.

The key is to be confident in yourself. Don't put yourself in emotionally harmful situations (like running after a woman who will never return your affections) and respect yourself enough to say no. You might have fewer female friends around, but being happy in yourself first is way better than seeking someone else's approval. When I finally hit the sweet spot between attraction and confidence (I always had the personality, I believe), I met someone who I want to marry. And yes, we are dating - not someone who placed me in the friendzone

Keep in mind gentlemen, attractive women are not all nice. Some are. Others are crazy. Those who are stable and nice probably already have boyfriends (or girlfriends, which is not a crime by any means). Not saying women you aren't attracted to aren't crazy or lesbian, or both, but a woman's looks should not be what's keeping you interested if she is batshit crazy and jealous. In other words, don't get suckered in by how "hot" she is - the jealousy, craziness and instability are not worth it. I see so many guys put up with terrible treatment in a relationship because "she's crazy hot". Not a good enough reason. The same goes for women - steer clear of the crazy ones/fixer uppers. Do not develop nurse syndrome. He won't change.

Trust me, a deeper connection with someone who "gets" you is worth way more. If women are accused of overlooking the nice guys, how many men are overlooking nice women?

 

[Relish in Chaos]

To be honest, at this point, I don?t really care. Finding a girlfriend is close to the bottom on the priority list of problems I have to solve in my life. If I?m 30 and still a virgin, maybe I?ll hire a prostitute and/or hit up some dating sites. But until then, whatever.

I do want to mention the ?friend-zone?, though. People should stop taking it so seriously. Like the Bechdel test originated as a joke in a comic, the ?friend-zone? originated as a joke in an episode of Friends, mentioned by a character known for a serial womaniser. If a female friend rejects you, there?s nothing wrong with them, but there?s not necessarily anything wrong with them either. You?re just not compatible with each other.

But really, can we stop talking about women like they're some mythical creature. They're just people. Heavily flawed, stupid people, like the rest of us.

People to whom you're strangely attracted and are therefore more inclined to put up on a pedestal, that is. I bet women do it with men they're too shy to ask out too. Unless you walked out of a time machine from the 50s, it?s common sense that women are people just like men.

But the whole ?love is blind? thing is true as well. When you love or want to bone someone, you see past their flaws and focus on their desirable traits, but then you ?out-think? yourself by irrationally assuming that they?d do something like throw a drink in your face for daring to speak in their presence.

Us ugly people have the added issue of being taken at face value of societies good looking= worth while. less atrractive people = not worth your time.

ive had women say they wish i was more handsome and then they would go out with me. because they have a certain attractiveness standard.

Sad how shallow, conceited and self adsorbed people are

Unless you're the fucking Elephant Man, being ugly can't be that much of a deal-breaker. Sure, it makes it harder, but I've seen and personally known my fair share of ugly (at least, IMO) men who've dated stunning girls. Apparently, personality is important. Or maybe loving someone can just make you attracted to them. (I dunno, humans are weird like that.)

And just because some women say that doesn?t mean they all think that. You wouldn?t want to go out with a woman who has such high standards and/or low tact anyway, would you? Perhaps you should just try and hang out with less judgemental girls or, fail that, the more physically unremarkable womenfolk.