I Am Scared Of My Own Anger

Twintix

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I'll keep this as short as I can. Circumstances during middle school made me start bottling up my anger, since every time I expressed negative emotions, people always looked at me with disapproval and meant that my reactions were all my fault.

It's been almost 8 years since I started bottling it up. I've gotten quite good at it. Which is a bad thing, since whenever I feel my emotions blowing up, I'm absolutely terrified. 8 years is a long time spent not expressing my anger, and it's been so long that I can't remember what it feels like to express anger at someone. I got extremely close this summer during a fight between my parents; My dad even said that he'd never seen me so angry. And even then, I was bottling up most of it.

Because of this, I don't really know what I'll act like when I finally snap, if I ever do. I'm just scared that it'll be set off by some stupid insignificant thing, causing me to pour a flood of rage over someone who doesn't deserve it. And the ones I've wanted to get mad at wouldn't get the hint, mainly because of a complete absence of self-awareness. It would solve precisely jack shit, in other words.

These past few months, I've really been down in the dumps, being moody and a bit depressed. School has been a major factor in this, as I don't feel at home with the subjects and have failed pretty much every single exam I've taken this year. And at times, I've once again felt like I'm really close to flipping my shit, so to speak. This part, however, will soon be fixed, as I've decided that I'm going to quit since I can't do this anymore. I feel that my bad mood has affected the people around me, which I don't want to happen. Things will be better this way.

But that's beside the point. My teetering on the edge of anger and not really being able to express it has made me quite passive-aggressive, which some might argue is even worse. It has ramped up my snarkiness quite a few times, sometimes unneccesarily so.

The two things that I've discovered have come the closest to making me snap, though, is when I get interrupted and when I feel that people don't listen to me. It might seem like childish things, but it happens so often that I'm really growing sick of it. During Christmas, I was reading the rules to a game we were playing, only to have people constantly interrupt me for unrelated things. Of course, this made me quite pissed off. Then my mom told me afterwards to "stop acting like such a child" and that we were supposed to have fun. She also told me that I was acting whiny when trying on new ski boots. She acted like I had thrown a temper tantrum like a spoiled five-year old when I, at most, grimaced and said "Ow!" when trying on a pair that really fucking hurt. (Finding a pair for me that doesn't hurt is near-impossible, let me tell ya.) This also pissed me off, because I felt like it was unfair. I mean, I'd find it a reasonable reaction if it only happened sometimes, but it happens really often.

All in all, at times, I feel like a Molotov Cocktail. Or a volcano. (Has anyone heard that song? By Diane Ponzio? Anyone heard of her? No? Okay.) It worries me. Since I also have some self-esteem issues, it feels like a potentially dangerous combination, since my emotional side and my logical side often feel like they are at war with each other.

So I was mainly wondering if anyone has any tips for letting out my anger in small doses. Some kind of stress relief that doesn't involve hurting anyone's feelings. Or hurting anyone in any way, for that matter. Just to let off some steam.

It turned out quite long-winded anyway, didn't it? Sorry about that. Thank you for reading. And a pro tip: Don't bottle up your anger to the extent that I have. It's not healthy.
 

Barbas

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Middle school, eh? I bet that's where it starts to ball up for a lot of people. With that in mind, it's really not a good idea to throw in the towel over something like that. I'm not going to accuse you of acting immaturely or blowing things out of proportion, but I think it's something that you may really come to regret -- possibly more than you could understand right now -- and a mistake like that will leave you in a much worse spot further down the line.

I hated secondary school because it was in another country with people who were alien and often unwelcoming to me. Almost everything -- the lessons, the boredom, the sports and even the mannerisms and language of my so-called "classmates" -- turned me into quite a sad-faced young man who couldn't often spare a word for people unless it was something callous or derisive. I don't know how I managed to go through those years without getting myself arrested for trying to kill someone. I know I certainly thought about it a lot when I was bored -- and I was bored a lot -- but I suppose I just didn't have it in me. I do remember, though, that there were a handful of subjects that rekindled interests I didn't know I had. There were one or two teachers who have earned my adoration to this day for the genuine respect they gave their subject matter. Their lessons were the only ones I really cared much about and actively looked forward to, because one of the deeply satisfying things in life is the pleasure of sitting in a comfortable chair in a sunbeam and listening to a man with thick glasses and a tweed jacket talk at length and with great animation about things he finds terrible interesting.

My point is that I've come to believe it's the little things in life -- a sunny day, birds, bumblebees, the sound of waves on the shore, the daily gestures of caring people -- that really help you get a lot out of it. You say that you bottle up your anger inside and have done for a long time. Maybe the minor annoyances are simply a way for your body to let some of this anger vent out over time, because nobody can hold it in forever. If you don't believe that you can speak to anyone about your problems -- and I doubt you're the first or last person to have them -- then that's probably just because you aren't in the habit of talking about them. Speak to your parents, because it'll heal you and they probably just want you to be happy. Tell them your fears. When you do that, you'll feel a little better and a little more content about who you are and what you're doing.

There's no need to do anything rash or impulsive. People will be here for you, for as long as it takes. You're just finding yourself and these fears and uncertainties will pass from your mind in time.
 

Vendor-Lazarus

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I almost feel like I'm reading my own life written down, except for two little details, which is age and emotion.
The emotion I'm bottling up is not anger (I think) but sadness. Otherwise it's spot on.
I can get tearful just watching something sad or even thinking about it.

I can't really remember the last time I got angry either and I don't really know why.
I used to get pretty angry when younger and sometime later it just turned into despair instead.
Or some form of apathy perhaps. Being more cynical and mistrusting.

Do you not usually get angry when gaming?
It can act like a pretty good relief valve, though it might be a bit expensive on hardware and peripherals.
It would also probably be best if you did not vent when playing multiplayer games or using a mic. ,)
Have you considered yoga or taking up some form of martial arts?
I don't know how well martial arts would go, if you feel that you can't trust the level of anger you wish to release.

Screaming in to a pillow, out in the woods or from a cliff are other things I've heard or read about as well.
You could also try to write down your feelings and reading them back to you.
One last thing you could do is confide in someone you trust, I've heard that that can help as well.

I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help, and you should probably take all my advice with a bit of salt.
Wishing you well.
 

Batou667

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Stop bottling it up. If somebody annoys you, tell them about it - don't bite their head off, but let them know that what they just did or said upset you and why. The people who matter will usually understand or at least make an effort.

Also, find ways of venting. I've had days where for whatever reason I woke up with a head full of steam and hornets and I haven't felt able to have a civil conversation until I went to the gym and thrashed it out. If you don't like working out, go for a run or a hard jog, or punch a bag in your garden or garage. Even just closing your door and screaming into a pillow can be cathartic. That's the "curative" side of things - on the "preventative" side, find things to do that put you in a happier place. You're creative, right? Plenty of people throw themselves into a hobby or project for the sake of their own sanity.

Finally, and this is easier said than done, identify your triggers and avoid them. A certain person makes you mad? Cut them out of your life. A place has bad memories? Stop going there. It's not "running away from your problems", it's an efficient and nonviolent method of de-escalation. It might even heal things over time. I like my parents infinitely more now that I don't live with them, to give a personal example. I see from your profile that you're 20, so changing your environment might not be completely out of the question? A bit of travel or changing your living arrangements might do you good.
 

sanquin

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I had the exact same problem in basic/middle school. Bottling it up just made me 'explode' every now and then over relatively small issues. A combination of two things worked for me. I stopped caring about people's 'meaningless' insults and such. This is the hardest part. Especially when you're at your age. The second one, which is a bit easier, is finding a way to release said anger. For me that is currently a combination of metal music and LARP. LARP especially helps, since I can sometimes whack people without it really harming them, even if that's not the main focus of the LARP's here.
 

Johnny Impact

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I hate being interrupted too. It's discourteous, especially when people ask you a direct question and then interrupt the answer. They shouldn't have asked if they didn't want to know, and they shouldn't have interrupted you, period. That's on them. The problem is you can't ask people to be more courteous without offending them, which just leads to further discourtesy. That's one reason I don't talk much, I'm always interrupted.

As for the anger, people who say it's wrong to be anything other than happy are a bunch of idiot toolbags trying to fill your head with garbage and guilt. You're not supposed to be glad all the time, it's not natural. Anyone who looked at their own lives for five seconds would realize they aren't always happy. But it's easier to put you down for having emotions than to live what they preach.
 

Twintix

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RamblinRob said:
Have you tried wearing glasses and ripping your shirt off? I think you might be the hulk.
All right, I'll give you this- that made me chuckle. Thank you.
Vendor-Lazarus said:
Have you considered yoga or taking up some form of martial arts?
I'm actually a taekwondo practitioner, and have been for 8 years. However, it's not really a martial art where being angry helps all that much. Anger just tenses me up, which makes me slow. In a martial art that requires you to be somewhat quick on your feet. It just results in me losing my focus and renders me unable to land a hit.

I do have a sandbag at home, but no place to hang it up...
 

Vendor-Lazarus

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Twintix said:
Vendor-Lazarus said:
Have you considered yoga or taking up some form of martial arts?
I do have a sandbag at home, but no place to hang it up...
What you could do is switch it out with that lamp hanging from the roof that you really don't use (or like) all that much.
Then again, I don't know if it would be blowing of steam or just build up more anger.

Getting to the roots of the anger would probably be more effective in the long run.

Again, sorry that I couldn't be of more help to you (a fellow Swede and Gamer).
 

Aramis Night

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I can relate with your position an awful lot. I had an abusive upbringing with druggy parents. One was always working and the other was abusive. The abuse became something I passed on at school. Not in the typical bully way. More that I would initiate fights at the first sign of open disrespect or if a bully so much as talked to me with the wrong tone. I became suicidal at 9 years old. My first attempt was thwarted when my parents found the jumper cables I had hid under the sink in the bathroom. They sent me to an institution where they put me on Ritalin which was at the time not a drug they really knew the effects it would have on a child my age. A few months later I was released but kept on the drugs. they constantly changed the dosage and had me go through blood tests monthly to monitor the effects.

I went from having a short fuse to simply having no fuse. I would fly off the handle at the slightest disrespect or even misunderstanding in some cases. One thing that also changed was I would have no memory of the actual fight itself. I would just see red, and the next thing I would remember is teachers pulling me off my latest victim. What was worse is that I would feel no guilt at all no matter how much damage I did to the other kids over the slightest thing.

It wasn't until the summer between the 6th and 7th grades that I woke up one day and felt guilty and ashamed of what I had become. I resolved then and there to no longer take the drugs and to no longer fight. I spent the next few years getting beaten up without lifting a finger in my own defense. I saw it as my penance. As a test of my willpower no matter how humiliating and damaging it was to me. I kept my vow all throughout middle and high school.

In that time I had become so accustomed to my own restraint that it defined me. I also had become very risk averse. In that time I had lost any ability to lose control of myself. I would not drink or do drugs given my parents. It was my way of rebelling, which was a big disappointment to my father who had started dealing. So I have remained a tightly controlled person who is no longer able to release control over myself even if I wanted to. It has its upsides, but it also means that I am unable to have a lot of the same experiences most people have. I analyze my own actions too much because I am always preoccupied with the potential consequences of my actions and I live in fear of the possibility that I may someday victimize another. My empathy has grown from nothing into the overriding concern of my existence.

Fortunately I have still found ways to alleviate the stress. Gaming is of course the most accessible one. I would also recommend a martial art of some kind. For me, I found that practice sword fighting works wonders when the opportunity exists which sadly these days has become rare.
 

Kuilui

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My dad was a lot like you he had built up so much anger over his life and could never really express it. He went to a therapist and started talking it out and he said he never felt so good in his entire life after some sessions. Trust me they'll help and you'll see your life will improve in so many ways.
 

SoreWristed

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Vendor-Lazarus said:
I almost feel like I'm reading my own life written down, except for two little details, which is age and emotion.
Well same here, but mine is also about anger. I can get incredibly riled up from having to deal with unfairness in my life.
I've recently had a serious back injury which put me out of my dream job and put me back on the job market which is unfairness distilled. Keeping this story short, i can often lash out extremely violently, at pillows or my desk or thin air. These attacks tend to leave me trembling in the knees and shocked at myself for the things i thaught and said/shouted. Luckily, i live alone and since i had to quit my job, i've only had social contact with close friends, family and doctors. People who i can handle socially, so my violent 'moments' have yet to be noticed.

In my job, which was highly physical, i could lose all this violence simply by working hard and exerting myself. Thinking it would rid me of them. Ofcourse, eventually, being tired due to lack of sleep made those surface again, but people can be highly forgiving of someone coming off a 25 hour shift.

During school i took a lot of martial arts classes to have an outlet for these. Sometimes, being frustrated and sparring led me to throw a kick quite harder than allowed, but again, it could be overseen due to youth and getting caught up in the moment. But martial arts did teach a lot about discipline and control, two things that are eventually key to controlling anger.

I too, live in fear of getting so caught up i'd go berserk and actually harm someone, if not kill them. I know that may sound like i'm overexaggerating but as OP could surely verify, it isn't far from the realm of possibility. I am considering getting professional help aswell, but i'm just afraid of the therapist bills to join my medical bills which i have to manage on a disability check.

As you already said you are already a Tae kwon do practitioner, as i was for three years, so maybe it isn't helping enough to release your anger healthily.

Twintix said:
So I was mainly wondering if anyone has any tips for letting out my anger in small doses. Some kind of stress relief that doesn't involve hurting anyone's feelings. Or hurting anyone in any way, for that matter. Just to let off some steam.
I know of no support groups that handle this specific problem, for the general public. There are 'anger management' seminars but they are costly, and imo, teach people to bottle it up to release it somewhere else. There are even dedicated psychologist to handle these symptoms in veterans, but again, they are costly. So if you happen to find a way, or a group or chatroom/forum where people can discuss these types of problems with professionals, please let me know.

Maybe it'd even help to talk to someone going through similar issues? Send me a pm if you're interested...