I have an internet crush on a girl on a forum

[Maxtro]

I'm basically obsessed with a girl on a relationship forum I frequently post on.

I've had a little crush on her for over a year. My feelings for her died down when I got a GF back in May of last year. Then my ex dumped me in December. About two weeks after I got dumped, the online girl got a BF, the first one she's had in five years. Putting it mildly, this guy is a complete loser. She makes a monthly thread about the stupid things he's doing, and those threads are filled with basically every member of the forum telling her that he's terrible for her and she needs to dump him. Shortly after she got together with him, my feelings for her really picked up.

She's been used and abused by men, and has very low self-esteem. She believes that he's wonderful for her and nothing he does is bad. Yet she keeps making these threads. Nobody on the forum likes the guy.

We've been talking through private messages for almost two years. We're basically a great match and she's practically my dream girl. I felt really bad for not pursuing her when I had the chance and now I'm watching her in a relationship to this asshole who she thinks can do no wrong.

During sex recently he actually said this to her in a joking way, "Wow you are not as tight as you normally are, did you cheat on me?"

I wish there was something I could do to get her to leave him. Though when 100+ people are telling her to dump him, it's all noise at this point.

As it so happens, she lives a little over an hour away from me.

Is there anything at all I can do?

 

[manic_depressive13]

You claim she thinks he can do no wrong, but she keeps making threads to complain about her relationship?

Have you told her you have feelings for her? That's about all you can do. Maybe knowing that someone else likes her will encourage her to dump this guy. Or maybe not. If you like her as much as you say, it's worth a try.

 

[Maxtro]

She definitely knows that I like her. But she's so stuck on him, and won't consider being with anybody else. I asked her to Skype with me but she sees that as a form of cheating.

I don't really understand why she stays with him when she has to keep defending him and what he does to her.

Right now, her current big issue with him is that he owes her $300 and he "forget" to pay her back, when she should have gotten the money weeks ago. She gave more details on this guy, and it turns out that he's absolutely horrible with managing his money.

This guy has so many red flags, and any emotionally healthy woman would leave him, but honestly, she's not emotionally healthy.

 

[manic_depressive13]

Yeah, doesn't sound like it's going to work out. I know it's hard to see her in an abusive relationship but there's nothing you can do. Stop pursuing her and move on.

 

[Maxtro]

Anybody else have any idea of what I can say to her?

I wish there was some way I could get her hang out with me. I'm pretty sure that if she spent time with me in person, she's start to see me differently.

 

[Blitsie]

Easy, tell her you can't talk anymore because reasons and run away. VERY far away.

Just stand back and read over your posts again:

She has a history of being used and abused by men
She has self esteem issues
She's currently in yet another abusive relationship
She complains about it monthly on a random forum, yet does nothing about it
She's emotionally unhealthy (so you say)

Looking at these things, what I see here is a broken woman. One who is absolutely loving the drama that comes with dating such a crap guy and loving all the attention she can get from it (hence the forum posts). If you try to get any closer chances are good she will set her hooks into you and drag you into horrible, horrible drama. Bro, drop this woman and move on to someone worthwhile, I know its hard considering your feelings but trust me, I've courted a woman like this before and walked away with some very big scars, women like this can mess a man up like no other.Stop visiting the forum if you have to, just get those feelings away because I promise you, you're only walking smack dab into something you will regret for the rest of your life if you continue on.

I know she's your dream girl and all that, but really, "true love", "the one", "only one dream girl", all that jazz is the biggest load of crock ever spouted by a human being and its sad because the reality is so much better. Fact is we all are compatible with lots of women, and its awesome because if one doesn't work out you just move on to the next one, its just a matter of not blindly rushing into something and taking your time. So really, YOU WILL FIND SOMEONE AGAIN, that I guarantee.

Good luck man, I know this isn't the answer you are looking for, but just consider it.

 

[White Lightning]

I didn't realize this was a thing. Anyways after reading all that how on earth could you want to be with her? She's a mess and not worth the trouble.

 

[Maxtro]

Thanks for the honest feedback guys.

A little background info on me.

I'm 32 and only had one girlfriend in my entire life. I met my ex when I was 31 and she was currently in a relationship that had gone toxic for a year. After getting to know me better, she dumped him and started dating me about a month later. She then dumped me after six months because of reasons.

In summary, my history with women is fucked up.

There are a few reasons why I really want this online girl.

Physically she's completely my type.
Personality and interests she's very similar to me. She's a hot gamer girl who's also sporty.
She has no sexual inhibitions like my ex did.
She's extremely loyal to the men she's dating and she has very strict boundaries. She's basically a perfect GF, but men have taken advantage of her.
Lastly, from my impression, she'd never dump me if we got together.

I have a huge desire to rescue her, and just treat her like she deserves to be treated.

 

[Stasisesque]

There are a few reasons why I really want this online girl.

Physically she's completely my type.
Personality and interests she's very similar to me. She's a hot gamer girl who's also sporty.
She has no sexual inhibitions like my ex did.
She's extremely loyal to the men she's dating and she has very strict boundaries. She's basically a perfect GF, but men have taken advantage of her.
Lastly, from my impression, she'd never dump me if we got together.

I have a huge desire to rescue her, and just treat her like she deserves to be treated.

Please leave this girl alone, jesus christ there is so much wrong with this post. Your motives here are selfish and terrible. Move on, don't even be there as a friend because holy shit.

Just stop.

 

[Maxtro]

There are a few reasons why I really want this online girl.

Physically she's completely my type.
Personality and interests she's very similar to me. She's a hot gamer girl who's also sporty.
She has no sexual inhibitions like my ex did.
She's extremely loyal to the men she's dating and she has very strict boundaries. She's basically a perfect GF, but men have taken advantage of her.
Lastly, from my impression, she'd never dump me if we got together.

I have a huge desire to rescue her, and just treat her like she deserves to be treated.

Please leave this girl alone, jesus christ there is so much wrong with this post. Your motives here are selfish and terrible. Move on, don't even be there as a friend because holy shit.

Just stop.

So being attracted to her looks, personality, and interests, plus wanting to treat her better than any guy has treated her; makes my motives selfish and terrible?

 

[Maxtro]

I could tick most of those boxes about the barmaid in my local pub. I could even add "She provides me with tasty beverages".

On a serious note though, it sounds like you've put her on a very big pedestal. I'd leave her be, she'll never live up to the ideal of her that you've created and neither of you would be happy with the result.

Possibly.

Though even if she's only half as good as I've built her up to be in my head, I'd be completely satisfied with her.

There is just no way that it could be any worse with me for her, than it's been with any other guys she's dated.

 

[Stasisesque]

There are a few reasons why I really want this online girl.

Physically she's completely my type.
Personality and interests she's very similar to me. She's a hot gamer girl who's also sporty.
She has no sexual inhibitions like my ex did.
She's extremely loyal to the men she's dating and she has very strict boundaries. She's basically a perfect GF, but men have taken advantage of her.
Lastly, from my impression, she'd never dump me if we got together.

I have a huge desire to rescue her, and just treat her like she deserves to be treated.

Please leave this girl alone, jesus christ there is so much wrong with this post. Your motives here are selfish and terrible. Move on, don't even be there as a friend because holy shit.

Just stop.

So being attracted to her looks, personality, and interests, plus wanting to treat her better than any guy has treated her; makes my motives selfish and terrible?

You said you want her, one of the reasons you have for wanting (not even wanting to be with, just wanting) her is that she wouldn't ever leave you? How are these things not selfish? There's no concern for her well-being anywhere in this post, anywhere in the other posts either. Rescuing someone doesn't happen in real life, if you really want the best for her, you would be there as a supportive friend. You don't have to be happy about her staying in an abusive relationship, you can go as far as encouraging her to leave, but you support her.

Most people desire someone based on their looks/personality, that is not the point I take umbrage with.

You're thirty-two, please start treating women as their own agents, not as people (or, as your post seemed to suggest, objects) needing to be rescued. Help her as a friend but you can't just claim her because she's "perfect". She clearly is not perfect if she's trapped in an abusive relationship, stop putting her on a pedestal and start treating her like a human being. You're acting like a teenager, you're an adult.

 

[Maxtro]

It all comes down to me believing that she will be happier with me than she will be with her current guy. I know I will treat her much better and give her the respect she deserves.

I will not be her friend that she complains directly about her BF to while he's the one she's still sleeping with. I have no interest in being her friend at all.

If I knew her in person, it would be much easier to get her to fall for me and leave her BF, but trying to do this online makes things more difficult.

 

[Padwolf]

You said you want her, one of the reasons you have for wanting (not even wanting to be with, just wanting) her is that she wouldn't ever leave you? How are these things not selfish? There's no concern for her well-being anywhere in this post, anywhere in the other posts either. Rescuing someone doesn't happen in real life, if you really want the best for her, you would be there as a supportive friend. You don't have to be happy about her staying in an abusive relationship, you can go as far as encouraging her to leave, but you support her.

Most people desire someone based on their looks/personality, that is not the point I take umbrage with.

You're thirty-two, please start treating women as their own agents, not as people (or, as your post seemed to suggest, objects) needing to be rescued. Help her as a friend but you can't just claim her because she's "perfect". She clearly is not perfect if she's trapped in an abusive relationship, stop putting her on a pedestal and start treating her like a human being. You're acting like a teenager, you're an adult.

Please, OP, listen to this advice. This is pretty much what I was going to say.

You can't put people on a pedestal like that, it's terrible that one of the reasons you want to be with her is because she'd never leave you. It's incredibly selfish. What's even worse is that you are basing all this on that you think you will be better for her. No. You won't be. Instead of abusive, you will become the other side of the spectrum; incredibly suffocating. You have to be there for her as a friend. Also, have you ever met her boyfriend? How would you know what he's like? Just because she's posted about bad things he has done? If she's making these threads, she KNOWS he has done something wrong, hence why she's making a thread about it.

All you are hearing about are the bad things. You said it yourself in the OP, he said something jokingly. He could just be the type of guy to joke around a lot. Hell, my boyfriend has a bit of a playful teasing nature and I always call him a "scumbag". I know he doesn't mean the things he comes out with, and I know he loves me, and thanks to that I have much more of a backbone and confidence for it. You didn't even come out with straight examples of abuse. Yeah his joke was bad. But that's the only example you are giving us. From that alone, I can tell you that you are worse for her than he is. Does your friend tell you about the good times? Or, is she telling you about the good times and you are blanking them out so you can focus on the bad times to secure your thinking of "I will be better for her"?

The point I'm trying to make is: Give us the FULL story. Not just "omg guys he said a bad joke to her and that must mean he's the worse kind of scum and villainy. I'll be better for her." Also, don't base your judgement upon the forum posts she has made. To quote a film "Some days you have to work at it. It's the bad times that get you from one happy snapshot to the next".

You are an adult. Please think like one. As Stasisesque said, women and all people for that matter, are not something for you to just rescue and think that will be that and that alone will secure your life. It won't.

 

[Maxtro]

You can't put people on a pedestal like that, it's terrible that one of the reasons you want to be with her is because she'd never leave you. It's incredibly selfish.

Why is it selfish to want to be with somebody because I feel that they won't leave me? My ex GF dumped me and that hurt like hell.

What's even worse is that you are basing all this on that you think you will be better for her. No. You won't be. Instead of abusive, you will become the other side of the spectrum; incredibly suffocating. You have to be there for her as a friend. Also, have you ever met her boyfriend? How would you know what he's like? Just because she's posted about bad things he has done? If she's making these threads, she KNOWS he has done something wrong, hence why she's making a thread about it.

There is no way I would suffocate her. I know how to give women space. Believe me, I've been too needy with more than a few women and caused them to run away, I already learned that lesson.

I believe that she is very conflicted about her boyfriend. Yes, by the very fact that she is making a monthly thread she knows that there is something wrong. She just doesn't want to admit it. She also has about 100 people tell her in every thread that she should leave the guy. It's pretty ridiculous.

I'm trying to understand where she's coming from and from what I can guess, she's just been treated horribly by men, and he's the first guy who doesn't treat her like crap. Sadly, that's good enough for her.

All you are hearing about are the bad things. You said it yourself in the OP, he said something jokingly. He could just be the type of guy to joke around a lot. Hell, my boyfriend has a bit of a playful teasing nature and I always call him a "scumbag". I know he doesn't mean the things he comes out with, and I know he loves me, and thanks to that I have much more of a backbone and confidence for it. You didn't even come out with straight examples of abuse. Yeah his joke was bad. But that's the only example you are giving us. From that alone, I can tell you that you are worse for her than he is. Does your friend tell you about the good times? Or, is she telling you about the good times and you are blanking them out so you can focus on the bad times to secure your thinking of "I will be better for her"?

The point I'm trying to make is: Give us the FULL story. Not just "omg guys he said a bad joke to her and that must mean he's the worse kind of scum and villainy. I'll be better for her." Also, don't base your judgement upon the forum posts she has made. To quote a film "Some days you have to work at it. It's the bad times that get you from one happy snapshot to the next".

They have been together for six months. They met on online dating and have only known each other for six months.

He asked her to move in with him after one month.

He proposed to her on month three. She turned him down. He actually wanted to get married the next day at city hall.

He accuses of cheating on him on a semi-regular basis.

But he wants her to flirt with other guys in front of him.

He has a cuckold fetish and tried to get her to roleplay that during sex. He got pissed when she said no. During sex he keeps saying how he wants to see her with a bigger guy.

He constantly calls her a pain in the ass.

Recently it was her birthday. Despite her telling him what she wanted to do, he took her to a bar to play pool. When he saw that she wasn't completely satisfied with his idea, he got pissed at her and didn't talk to her for a few days afterwards.

The most recent incident (and thread) was that she loaned him $300 with the promise that he'd pay her back a few days later. Three weeks went buy and she hasn't gotten anything. Eventually it came out that this guy actually makes decent money, but he's completely unable to manage his finances. Money just disappears with him, she has no idea where it goes. Which is a pretty big deal because they are talking about getting an apartment together. This guy also has nothing to his name.

Those are all things SHE has said about her boyfriend.

 

[Phasmal]

It all comes down to me believing that she will be happier with me than she will be with her current guy. I know I will treat her much better and give her the respect she deserves.

Respect her by telling her the truth. Lay it out for her. Don't pretend to be her friend, you clearly are not.

I will not be her friend that she complains directly about her BF to while he's the one she's still sleeping with. I have no interest in being her friend at all.

That's kind of shitty. You need to tell her that. If you have no interest in dating her, what are you doing? Flying around her like you're a vulture and you're thinking she might pop her clogs?

If I knew her in person, it would be much easier to get her to fall for me and leave her BF, but trying to do this online makes things more difficult.

That doesn't sound manipulative.

I agree with everyone else. Leave this girl alone.
It's funny, you say everyone tells her she should dump her boyfriend and she doesn't listen.

Everyone is saying leave her alone.

 

[Maxtro]

I don't understand why I'm getting such a negative reaction to this.

She already knows I'm interested in her. I'm not hiding any of that from her.

We don't talk often enough to be anything more than forum buddies. I'm purposely trying to avoid becoming Just Friends with her. I have been Just Friends, with way too many women in my life, and I don't do that anymore. She also knows that about me.

I'm not pretending to be anything I'm not with her.

Look at the things she said about her BF. Does he sound like a great guy?