I have an internet crush on a girl on a forum

[Maxtro]

Okay, this is not at all a healthy way to think about relationships.

What did she say about her boyfriend, that she loved him or something? If so, just look at that for a second. She is happy, and that makes you angry. You don't like that she's happy, because she's happy and it doesn't have anything to do with you. That's just messed up, no matter how you look at it. Because you didn't say you were angry about him mistreating her, you said you were jealous. Jealous of the fact that she's with him, not you.

She posted something very sexual about him that was unrelated to the thread content. The fact that she is still happily having sex with him after all the things he puts her through, really pissed me off. Yes I wish I was the one having sex with her, not him. That's why I was jealous.

Look, if her boyfriend is abusing her, then if you do offer her help it should be to make sure she is safe and not getting hurt. Not because you want to score her instead. And if she brushes off her help, then I'm afraid there's nothing else you can do. It's not up to you to make her happy, that's her job.

Nor is it my job to help her through the abuse.

I'm just a guy who likes her who feels that he will be a better boyfriend to her than the guy she is with. That's it.

Is there anything actually wrong with that?

And lastly, you should not ever, under ANY circumstances try to initiate a relationship with somebody who's already in one. It's just a horribly douchy thing to do, no matter how much of an asshole you think he is and no matter how much better you think you are for her. It's a terrible place to put someone else in and is disgustingly selfish. It shows you have no respect for her choices and perspectives, and that the way you feel you should correct the bad choices she's made is to just try and override them.

Despite what you think about it, it's very very common. Many women have a tendency to stay in bad relationships simply because they don't want to be single, and are waiting to meet a guy they can monkey branch to. They won't break up with a guy, until they have another one they can be with.

That is exactly what my ex-girlfriend did. She was in a relationship that had been toxic for at least a year. After getting to know me, she fell for me, dumped him, and then less then a month later we were a thing. And no, I did not try to get her to leave her BF for me, it just happened. I believe that if my ex did not meet me, then there is a huge chance she would still be in a toxic relationship with that guy right now.

 

[Terminal Blue]

To me, she seems to be a really sweet girl who has a lot of great qualities, is also very attractive, but has a negative quality of falling for guys who disrespect her and staying with them.

Like I said. Red flag.

If I were to date her, the fact that she tends to date men who treat her poorly is a non-issue. Of course, if she dumps me because I'm not treating her poorly and thus not fulfilling some need for drama in her life, I'll chalk it up as a learning experience.

Not really what I was saying.

Look. I presume you want to have a healthy relationship with someone who likes you for yourself and based on some kind of underlying ethic of equal power. In short, I presume you're looking for a partner rather than a pet. I could be wrong, of course, in which case I am clearly wasting my time here but if I'm not, and I don't think I am, then dating someone with low self esteem is a terrible idea because you will never, ever know if you are abusing them or not. You will never know if they are only with you because of fear, ignorance and desperation, you will never know if they actually like you or are just deluding themselves that they do.

Also, I don't really understand the reasons that are obvious to you,

Because you'd be expecting to have a healthy relationship with someone who isn't capable of telling what a healthy relationship is. How do you expect that to work?

Would you essentially dictate to her how the relationship would work, or would you just expect her to follow your lead? Moreover, is either of those things actually healthy?

Nor do I know what you are talking about when you say dependence and how it can be a bad thing. I've only been in one, short relationship and she was very independent. A part of me believes that she left because she was an independent woman. Right now, the last thing I want is to get dumped again. They very thought is terrifying to me. I don't want to go through that pain again.

So. Let's get this straight in our heads, shall we.

You want to get into a relationship with someone with low self esteem specifically so that they cannot leave you even if they may want to do so because they will be too dependent on you and will simply delude themselves that they're still in love with you no matter how unsatisfying the relationship is for them, all so that you can avoid the pain of potentially being dumped without having to be single.

You walk a very dark path, my friend. I hope if you follow it that you never grow enough of a conscience to wake up and realize what you've become.

 

[Eamar]

Right now, the last thing I want is to get dumped again. They very thought is terrifying to me.

Then, quite frankly, you're not yet ready to be in a relationship again. If you're so scared of being dumped that you see a lack of independence as a good thing, you need to work through your own issues before you bring anyone else's into the picture.

I'm just a guy who likes her who feels that he will be a better boyfriend to her than the guy she is with. That's it.

Is there anything actually wrong with that?

Yes. Because relationships are partnerships. They cannot be all about you. This is basic stuff.

Also, saying things like this:

Nor is it my job to help her through the abuse.

shows quite clearly that you don't actually care about her, you just want her. That's not ok. If you cared about her as a person, you would want to help her out of abuse (not that I'm convinced there's any actual abuse going on, but still). Again, this indicates a fundamental lack of understanding of how healthy relationships work and gives the impression that you would be catastrophically bad for her.

 

[Phasmal]

Okay, this is not at all a healthy way to think about relationships.

What did she say about her boyfriend, that she loved him or something? If so, just look at that for a second. She is happy, and that makes you angry. You don't like that she's happy, because she's happy and it doesn't have anything to do with you. That's just messed up, no matter how you look at it. Because you didn't say you were angry about him mistreating her, you said you were jealous. Jealous of the fact that she's with him, not you.

She posted something very sexual about him that was unrelated to the thread content. The fact that she is still happily having sex with him after all the things he puts her through, really pissed me off. Yes I wish I was the one having sex with her, not him. That's why I was jealous.

Yes, but SHE wants to have sex with her boyfriend. This is the problem. This whole thread has been about what you want, not what she wants.

You don't like this girl, you don't even respect her enough to make her own decisions. Leaving her alone is the best thing you can do.

More good new about this wonderful boyfriend of hers.

On Saturday he was teaching her self-defense, when he's not an instructor, and for some reason had her in a submission hold. Then when he tried to throw her to the ground, her foot got stuck on his and she heard a snap and screamed sharply in pain. She can't walk on it at all and it's all swollen. She needs to go to the doctor and find out what he did to her. She might have snapped a tendon.

So what? I accidentally drilled a hole through my wife's hand teaching her how to put shelves up (hers are always wonky). I'm still a cracking husband.

Yeah, I have to agree here. If this guy didn't mean to hurt her, it's not really a big deal.

I once accidentally kicked a door into my boyfriends head.
Boyfriend once accidentally elbowed me right in the forehead.

Shit happens.

 

[Lilani]

She posted something very sexual about him that was unrelated to the thread content. The fact that she is still happily having sex with him after all the things he puts her through, really pissed me off. Yes I wish I was the one having sex with her, not him. That's why I was jealous.

Well then, point proven I suppose. The person you care about most in your hoped-for relationship is yourself.

Nor is it my job to help her through the abuse.

I'm just a guy who likes her who feels that he will be a better boyfriend to her than the guy she is with. That's it.

Is there anything actually wrong with that?

When you claim you're perfect for each other? Yeah, there is something a bit wrong with that. If you want to be in a relationship with her, then you have to be prepared to deal with all her shit, including her emotional sensitivity and abusive past. That stuff isn't going to go away as soon as you're in a relationship with her, it'll all just be moved from her boyfriend's doorstep to yours. If you don't feel up to it, then perhaps you aren't as perfect for each other as you thought.

Despite what you think about it, it's very very common. Many women have a tendency to stay in bad relationships simply because they don't want to be single, and are waiting to meet a guy they can monkey branch to. They won't break up with a guy, until they have another one they can be with.

That doesn't make it less selfish or douchy, and it still doesn't reflect well upon the sort of respect you have for other people.

That is exactly what my ex-girlfriend did. She was in a relationship that had been toxic for at least a year. After getting to know me, she fell for me, dumped him, and then less then a month later we were a thing. And no, I did not try to get her to leave her BF for me, it just happened. I believe that if my ex did not meet me, then there is a huge chance she would still be in a toxic relationship with that guy right now.

Now I get it--you're willing to play the hero and be the one who "rescues" the girl from the bad relationship, but only as long as it doesn't take too much investment on your part.

I first came here just to say that unless you can establish a real, face-to-face relationship with her it's probably not worth your time pursuing such an online relationship. But now it seems your problems run a bit deeper than that.

 

[Lilani]

So no, my intention of dating her is not about helping her. It's all about me, and there shouldn't be anything wrong with that. Of course if I were able to date her, I'd treat her with kindness and respect and try my hardest to make sure she's as happy as possible without going overboard. And hopefully, in the process she'd learn how a man is actually supposed to treat her.

Okay, double post, but I seriously feel like this needs to be said. There is something wrong with wanting a relationship to be all about you, because on the most fundamental level that is not what a relationship is. A relationship is two people who have mutual understanding and care for one another, who are willing to sacrifice things for one another. You keep talking about "how a man is actually supposed to treat her," but from what you've demonstrated you're the last person in the world who can show that to her or any other woman out there. You don't feel she has any right to be happy unless you're involved with her, you want the benefit of her company without having to deal with her baggage (which is still an aspect of her, no matter how unsavory it is), and when she's in a jam your compulsion is to just run off and wait for her to weather the storm alone.

You would use her just as badly as her current boyfriend does. You would be with her and keep her company, and then you'll just run off whenever things aren't totally fun for you anymore. Is her baggage more than most people would want to deal with? Yeah, but if you knew about the problems in advance then the fact that you have to deal with them shouldn't be a surprise to you. And if you aren't willing to help her, then you shouldn't pretend your being with her would help her in any way.

 

[lacktheknack]

This is the saddest thread I've read in months.

That's really saying something.

Dear dude with the bouncing boobs avatar: Way to fill all of our worst expectations. ;__;

 

[Maxtro]

I made this thread for one reason and one reason only. Asking for help on how I could get her to see me in person. That's it.

Arguing with people about whether my intentions are pure and saintlike is a waste of my time and energy.

 

[Eamar]

I made this thread for one reason and one reason only. Asking for help on how I could get her to see me in person. That's it.

Arguing with people about whether my intentions are pure and saintlike is a waste of my time and energy.

No one here is going to be able to offer you such advice in good conscience, so honestly you might as well request a lock.

Or you could take the advice of people with more relationship experience and a more objective, outside perspective of your situation. We're trying to help both of you, just not in the way you wanted. Sometimes the things you least want to hear are the things you most need to.

 

[HerefordEscapistMan]

I agree with Eamar, you have to let this girl go man. I know it's hard, I, myself have fresh wounds from a relationship that just ended after 3 years and I still love that girl with all my heart but I know she will never mine again. Same goes for you I'm afraid mate. She has said she doesn't want to see you and you need to listen to that and move on, I know it is tough believe me, I am struggling myself but you need to let this girl go man, just like I have to let my (ex) baby girl go.

 

[Terminal Blue]

Arguing with people about whether my intentions are pure and saintlike is a waste of my time and energy.

No. Trying to get this girl to meet up with you is a waste of your time and energy.

Figuring out how to have some self-respect is the polar opposite of wasting your time and energy, particularly since it's going to make people much more inclined to stay with you for honest reasons and not just because you've manipulated the situation to try and make it impossible for them to leave.

 

[Lilani]

I made this thread for one reason and one reason only. Asking for help on how I could get her to see me in person. That's it.

Arguing with people about whether my intentions are pure and saintlike is a waste of my time and energy.

If we wanted you to make the wrong decision in this situation, we would have said go ahead. Go visit the emotionally unstable girl you met over the Internet who has a boyfriend. Go try to steal her out of her current situation and try to force her out of one self-serving relationship and into another.

But we don't want you to make the wrong decision, for your sake as well as hers. We want you to understand what healthy, fulfilling relationships look like. You said earlier you were afraid of being rejected. Well, unless you step back and gain a healthier perspective on relationships, then none of your future endeavors are going to end well. You will never have that fulfilling relationship you want because you refuse to comprehend what that means. We're not asking you to be a saint, but we are asking you to stop thinking that it's okay to use people to get what you want.

 

[zhoominator]

I made this thread for one reason and one reason only. Asking for help on how I could get her to see me in person. That's it.

Arguing with people about whether my intentions are pure and saintlike is a waste of my time and energy.

No one here is going to be able to offer you such advice in good conscience, so honestly you might as well request a lock.

Or you could take the advice of people with more relationship experience and a more objective, outside perspective of your situation. We're trying to help both of you, just not in the way you wanted. Sometimes the things you least want to hear are the things you most need to.

This.

I think, Maxtro, that this basically sums up your entire attitude through this thread. You have asked for advice but ignore any that you simply don't want to hear. You don't want to hear that this simply isn't a good idea, or that it's incredibly selfish, creepy and downright dickish because you want to do it anyway. Just like with this woman, you don't really care about what we think, you just want us to give you easy answers.

You present a very polarised attitude as well, basically stating that anyone who is calling you out on your selfish behaviour as expecting you to be saintlike, as opposed to just doing the decent thing by staying away from this person. There are so many things wrong with what you've been saying that I don't think I can even cover it all. It just boggles my mind that you seem to think that an acceptable solution to feeling bad about rejection is to trap someone in a relationship with you out of dependency. Her boyfriend really does sound like a saint in comparison.

 

[Batou667]

Dear OP,

The fact that you're still entertaining these fantasies of swooping in and rescuing Yon Fair Damsel from her captor (and not least from her own poor judgement) after TWO YEARS of being told quite directly that she isn't interested should be setting off warning bells in your head.

It should also be grounds to re-evaluate exactly what your motives are. Why the hell haven't you taken "no" for an answer? Why haven't you put your energies into pursuing somebody a bit more receptive? What exactly attracts you this girl, the fact that she "needs rescuing" or the fact that she sounds vulnerable? Please, reflect. Introspect. Get over her and yourself and move on.