I have an internet crush on a girl on a forum

[Phasmal]

I don't understand why I'm getting such a negative reaction to this.

She already knows I'm interested in her. I'm not hiding any of that from her.

We don't talk often enough to be anything more than forum buddies. I'm purposely trying to avoid becoming Just Friends with her. I have been Just Friends, with way too many women in my life, and I don't do that anymore. She also knows that about me.

I'm not pretending to be anything I'm not with her.

Look at the things she said about her BF. Does he sound like a great guy?

You realise this girl has more options than HIM or YOU, right?

If you don't talk more than to be forum buddies, you're friends.

Come clean with this girl or move on, or both. But don't sit around waiting for her to break up with this guy so you can make a big declaration.

 

[Maxtro]

I'm not waiting for her to break up with him.

If I was just going to sit around and wait, I wouldn't bother making a thread about it.

The whole reason I made this thread was because I want to get her to leave him. Or at least, say something to her that will get her to see me in person, then I'll do the rest myself.

Right now, she believes that a woman in a relationship should not spend time alone with other men. She won't even Skype with me because of that.

 

[Maxtro]

We've been messaging for almost two years. I didn't have confidence to try and pursue her. My biggest regret is not taking that risk when I had the chance.

Then I met my ex in college. Shortly after I got dumped, I finally gained that confidence, though I needed some time to heal. About two weeks after I got dumped, she had her first date with this guy.

If she had just waited a few weeks to try online dating, we'd probably be together right now. The timing really screwed me over.

It's completely understandable why she doesn't want to see me in person or Skype with me when she has a boyfriend. As long as I'm just some guy on the forum, she won't start to feel that I'm a better choice for her than her boyfriend.

Without trying at all, I got my ex to leave her boyfriend and fall for me. I'm certain I could do the same if I could just get this girl to actually spend some time with me.

And no, I'm not saying I can get all women to leave their boyfriends for me. Just certain women that I'm compatible with. The girl I'm writing about is one such woman.

 

[Eamar]

Just to check:

You've been messaging each other for two years and nothing has come of it.
You say that you're not just going to sit around and wait.
You say that you have no interest in being her friend.

She knows that you're interested.
She has not left her boyfriend.
She doesn't even want to Skype with you.

Dude, take the hint. Leave her alone. Move on.

This.

OP, she's not interested. Move on.

And frankly, as others have already pointed out, so much of what you've said in this thread looks unhealthy and downright manipulative. Nothing you've said about her boyfriend comes close to abuse either. Granted the money thing's not great, but still, you are not describing an abusive relationship. I get the feeling you'd find a way to paint even the healthiest relationship as "abusive" so long as she wasn't with you.

You talk about how you "want" her, how "she'd be better off with you than her boyfriend", how you want to "get her" to leave him so you can be with her. All of those things are incredibly self-centred and, again, they give the impression that you want to manipulate an emotionally vulnerable woman into fulfilling your wishes, and even worse you want to directly benefit from her emotional vulnerability because she'd "never leave you." Other issues with that statement aside, your inexperience is showing: an inability to leave you no matter what is not a good thing. That makes her sound like some poor, downtrodden doormat of a housewife who can't leave her abusive husband even after he repeatedly puts her in the hospital. That is not a healthy attitude, and desiring that sort of subservience doesn't paint you in a very flattering light.

Besides, does she not get a say in any of this? Even if she does leave her boyfriend, why do you assume she'd run straight into your arms, especially when all the signs point to her not being interested? The female gender isn't just a line-up of potential girlfriends for you to pick and choose from, women are people with just as much say in any potential relationship as you. You can't "make" her become interested in you if she doesn't want to be.

And honestly, you don't even know this woman. You have no way of verifying anything she tells you about who she is or what's happened in her life. A cynic might even say that her refusal to Skype is a big warning sign in this regard, especially if she's supplied "hot" pictures elsewhere. Hell, I obviously don't know this person, but creating regular threads that prompt hundreds of sympathetic responses, ignoring them and continuing the cycle reeks of someone who's playing a part designed to get sympathy and attention to me.

In all honesty, it sounds like you'd both be absolutely terrible for each other.

 

[weirdsoup]

The trouble with being attracted to someone over the internet is that you're attracted only to what that person is allowing to be shown.

Internet relationships are based primarily on a fantasy. You're seeing only what they let you see rather than the real person.

Plus, there's the whole thing about "Are they really of the opposite sex"

 

[Maxtro]

The trouble with being attracted to someone over the internet is that you're attracted only to what that person is allowing to be shown.

Internet relationships are based primarily on a fantasy. You're seeing only what they let you see rather than the real person.

Plus, there's the whole thing about "Are they really of the opposite sex"

I really doubt she isn't who she says she is.

Of course I know that I'm not seeing the whole picture with her.

That's why I want to get closer to her and find out for myself.

Plus what are the odds of meeting somebody online on an international forum who seems to be a perfect match who ends up only living about an hour away from you? Isn't that worth pursuing?

 

[Blitsie]

You basically want advice on how to manipulate a woman to get closer to you so you can convince her to break things off with her boyfriend and go for you instead.

I think you need to rethink some things, because what you are trying to do here is not cool. And stop trying to justify it, you are not rescuing this woman from anything because there is nothing to rescue her from, she is not dangling from some bridge or about to be mauled by a pack of lions, she is willfully in a relationship and that's that. You just want her for yourself and fact is if she doesn't want you as well (and sadly, she doesn't, if she doesn't even want to Skype then forget it) then whatever you do now to change that, especially when she is in a relationship still, is just going to be really, really selfish and manipulative of you. Don't be that guy, please, everyone hates that guy.

So move on, either start looking for someone else or (preferably) start focusing on growing and improving a bit yourself, some harsh introspection goes a long way and I think you need a bit of it personally.

 

[Maxtro]

More good new about this wonderful boyfriend of hers.

On Saturday he was teaching her self-defense, when he's not an instructor, and for some reason had her in a submission hold. Then when he tried to throw her to the ground, her foot got stuck on his and she heard a snap and screamed sharply in pain. She can't walk on it at all and it's all swollen. She needs to go to the doctor and find out what he did to her. She might have snapped a tendon.

Yes it was an accident, though one I think is completely ridiculous.

I just get so frustrated reading about all the stuff her BF is doing to her.

Any sane women would have left him months ago.

Either way, I can tell that she is not going to leave him unless he actually abuses her (on purpose) or cheats on her. Other than those things, she has no deal breakers. And honestly, I'm losing respect for her because she puts up with so much.

 

[White Lightning]

More good new about this wonderful boyfriend of hers.

On Saturday he was teaching her self-defense, when he's not an instructor, and for some reason had her in a submission hold. Then when he tried to throw her to the ground, her foot got stuck on his and she heard a snap and screamed sharply in pain. She can't walk on it at all and it's all swollen. She needs to go to the doctor and find out what he did to her. She might have snapped a tendon.

Yes it was an accident, though one I think is completely ridiculous.

I just get so frustrated reading about all the stuff her BF is doing to her.

Any sane women would have left him months ago.

Either way, I can tell that she is not going to leave him unless he actually abuses her (on purpose) or cheats on her. Other than those things, she has no deal breakers. And honestly, I'm losing respect for her because she puts up with so much.

DAMN SON WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?! I mean it's hard to get over someone (or so I've been told I've never been in such a situation) but seriously have you been reading what you've been saying? Or what other people have been saying? Get out of there she's not interested, and if what I've read is true not worth it either. Cut off all contact, do anything just stay away and forget about her. This internet friendship you've got with her is doing a lot of damage to you. Just end it and run! Don't look back! Block her or something I don't know but this thread went from mildly amusing to straight up weird.

 

[Tiger King]

I'm basically obsessed with a girl on a relationship forum I frequently post on.

I've had a little crush on her for over a year. My feelings for her died down when I got a GF back in May of last year. Then my ex dumped me in December. About two weeks after I got dumped, the online girl got a BF, the first one she's had in five years. Putting it mildly, this guy is a complete loser. She makes a monthly thread about the stupid things he's doing, and those threads are filled with basically every member of the forum telling her that he's terrible for her and she needs to dump him. Shortly after she got together with him, my feelings for her really picked up.

She's been used and abused by men, and has very low self-esteem. She believes that he's wonderful for her and nothing he does is bad. Yet she keeps making these threads. Nobody on the forum likes the guy.

We've been talking through private messages for almost two years. We're basically a great match and she's practically my dream girl. I felt really bad for not pursuing her when I had the chance and now I'm watching her in a relationship to this asshole who she thinks can do no wrong.

During sex recently he actually said this to her in a joking way, "Wow you are not as tight as you normally are, did you cheat on me?"

I wish there was something I could do to get her to leave him. Though when 100+ people are telling her to dump him, it's all noise at this point.

As it so happens, she lives a little over an hour away from me.

Is there anything at all I can do?

Hey there.
just to be clear, what contact have you had from this girl?
texting on forums?
phone calls etc?

 

[Blitsie]

More good new about this wonderful boyfriend of hers.

On Saturday he was teaching her self-defense, when he's not an instructor, and for some reason had her in a submission hold. Then when he tried to throw her to the ground, her foot got stuck on his and she heard a snap and screamed sharply in pain. She can't walk on it at all and it's all swollen. She needs to go to the doctor and find out what he did to her. She might have snapped a tendon.

Yes it was an accident, though one I think is completely ridiculous.

I just get so frustrated reading about all the stuff her BF is doing to her.

Any sane women would have left him months ago.

Either way, I can tell that she is not going to leave him unless he actually abuses her (on purpose) or cheats on her. Other than those things, she has no deal breakers. And honestly, I'm losing respect for her because she puts up with so much.

Thanks, because everyone here has totally been waiting on the edge of their seat for the next tidbit of gossip about her boyfriend and totally hasn't been telling you to just drop her like a hot pan. So this is my last effort, and I'm out, whatever you do from here is your funeral

SHES NOT INTERESTED IN YOU, SHE WONT EVEN SKYPE YOU
YOU ARE NOT A BETTER CHOICE FOR HER, SHE ISNT EVEN LOOKING FOR ALTERNATIVES IN THE FIRST PLACE
YOU ARE NOT GOING TO CONVINCE HER TO DROP THIS GUY FOR YOU, NOT HAPPENING
GET OVER HER
ITS NOT WORTH IT
STOP BEING SO DAMN BLIND AND JUSTIFYING WHAT YOU WANT TO DO WITH BULLSHIT REASONS

Sorry, but I've tried twice now to reason with you calmly and feel it has come to nothing, stop ignoring the good advice given by posters here and just move on, this relationship is not happening, period.

 

[Maxtro]

Yes I know that she isn't interested in me now. That's why I made this thread, to see if there was anything I can do to build that interest. Hopefully getting to a point where she would let me see her in person.

Everything I have said about her is true. Unfortunately it's come to a point where she's getting tired of the forum responses, when it's basically nothing but people telling her to leave him, or trying to analyze her and why she's still with him, and she's decided to just keep things to herself from now on. Honestly, I've never seen this before where somebodies BF or GF is so completely despised by everybody on the forum.

Now I'm staring to feel that if she is willing to up with so much crap, that she just isn't worth it. I certainly don't want a GF who will never challenge me, and will agree with everything I say.

Hey there.
just to be clear, what contact have you had from this girl?
texting on forums?
phone calls etc?

It's just been exchanging private messages on the forum. I did ask for her email but she declined, saying that it wasn't right because she had a boyfriend.

 

[Kricketz]

To be honest, I'm glad to see that you finally understand this situation a little better OP. She's using the forum's to vent and get attention. I've seen plenty of people that do it. She willingly stays in a crappy relationship. I've seen plenty of people do that as well and not just women. The thing is, it's extremely difficult and time consuming to help someone leave a bad relationship, especially if they're used to having them. You're better off redirecting your energy else where. You'd be surprised at how many people you may be "compatible" with. Also, you may need to compromise on one or two things because there is no such thing as perfection. However, you can get still get pretty close to it. You just gotta keep looking.

Now, a few things also stand out to me about you OP. You've only been in one relationship, which unfortunately only lasted 6 months. Getting dumped isn't easy and the first time can be bit hard to get over. However you stated that now you have more confidence and this is a good thing. Don't waste your time pursuing someone who is not interested in you, especially if the only form of communication you've had with her is through private messages on an online forum. You are better than that. Don't let this experience get you down, and don't allow any previous, negative experiences with relationships rule over you. Learn from your mistakes, stay positive and move on.

 

[Maxtro]

Edited.

 

[Tiger King]

It's just been exchanging private messages on the forum. I did ask for her email but she declined, saying that it wasn't right because she had a boyfriend.

Yeah, sorry buddy but I think that says it all right there.
You are trying to invest far too much emotionally in someone you have never met and is not interested in meeting you.
It's best you move on I advise as this is a waste of your time.

 

[Maxtro]

I'm done with her.

She posted something about her boyfriend that just pissed me off, and I can't take it anymore. I got way too jealous.

I put her on ignore.

Maybe someday they'll break up. But until then I'm no longer going to interact with her.

 

[Lilani]

I'm done with her.

She posted something about her boyfriend that just pissed me off, and I can't take it anymore. I got way too jealous.

I put her on ignore.

Maybe someday they'll break up. But until then I'm no longer going to interact with her.

Okay, this is not at all a healthy way to think about relationships.

What did she say about her boyfriend, that she loved him or something? If so, just look at that for a second. She is happy, and that makes you angry. You don't like that she's happy, because she's happy and it doesn't have anything to do with you. That's just messed up, no matter how you look at it. Because you didn't say you were angry about him mistreating her, you said you were jealous. Jealous of the fact that she's with him, not you.

Look, if her boyfriend is abusing her, then if you do offer her help it should be to make sure she is safe and not getting hurt. Not because you want to score her instead. And if she brushes off her help, then I'm afraid there's nothing else you can do. It's not up to you to make her happy, that's her job. I might be more sympathetic if you were showing some desire to help her get out of an unhealthy relationship for her safety and happiness. But at this point, you seem more concerned about getting with her than making sure she's happy. You're convinced she's in an unhealthy relationship, but rather than making sure she's okay you're just running off and waiting for your chance to scoop her up.

I think that keeping your distance is the right choice, but not for the reason you're saying. I think it's best that you stay away from her because your concerns all seem to revolve around getting her, not making sure she's making choices that make her happy and safe. Just because you've decided you're her soul mate doesn't mean she feels the same way, and nor does it mean she should. And if that's the case, then it's nobody's fault. Not yours, not her's, not her boyfriend's. That's just how the cookie crumbles sometimes.

And lastly, you should not ever, under ANY circumstances try to initiate a relationship with somebody who's already in one. It's just a horribly douchy thing to do, no matter how much of an asshole you think he is and no matter how much better you think you are for her. It's a terrible place to put someone else in and is disgustingly selfish. It shows you have no respect for her choices and perspectives, and that the way you feel you should correct the bad choices she's made is to just try and override them.

 

[Terminal Blue]

She's been used and abused by men, and has very low self-esteem. She believes that he's wonderful for her and nothing he does is bad. Yet she keeps making these threads. Nobody on the forum likes the guy.

I feel compelled to point out something fairly harsh, but please accept that I do so as a stranger on an internet forum who has a basic confidence in you to make up your own mind about the world and to completely ignore my advice if you want.

The above should probably be taken as a warning.

That might sound like quite a judgemental thing to say, but think about it. If someone is willing to stay with someone who is clearly so utterly horrible, and to overlook all these flaws even when it's obvious the underlying relationship is just rotten, how would you ever know that your relationship with them was worth anything? How could you have any confidence that they were not basically deluding themselves about being into you?

Look. I think I get it. I think a lot of us go through a phase of being drawn to "the project" (to coin a term more usually applied to men). The fantasy of fixing someone who is slightly damaged and vulnerable is all well and good until you actually have to live with someone who is damaged and vulnerable. I don't mean mental illness, mentally ill people can and do have functional relationships all the time but the key word there is functional. A person who cannot tell the difference between a relationship which is nice and pleasant and works and one which frankly sounds borderline abusive is not someone you ever, ever want to be involved with for reasons which should be very, very obvious.

Bear in mind I'm pushing 30 and have been in enough bad relationships that this is just a reflex now, so don't let me impede your own learning process. But seriously, if only jerks will date someone, usually there is a reason for that.

Lilani's post above kind of puts me to shame, so I should probably clarify. I don't mean you should avoid people or shun them or ignore them or be hostile to them, but just recognize that relationships are a terrible way to help someone with low self esteem, because even if it helps then that's not self esteem, it's just dependence, and dependence is what allows these horrible dysfunctional relationships to happen in the first place. By getting involved you aren't helping someone, you're just perpetuating a cycle of low self esteem, dependence and disappointment which may well consume someone's life.

 

[Maxtro]

I feel compelled to point out something fairly harsh, but please accept that I do so as a stranger on an internet forum who has a basic confidence in you to make up your own mind about the world and to completely ignore my advice if you want.

The above should probably be taken as a warning.

That might sound like quite a judgemental thing to say, but think about it. If someone is willing to stay with someone who is clearly so utterly horrible, and to overlook all these flaws even when it's obvious the underlying relationship is just rotten, how would you ever know that your relationship with them was worth anything? How could you have any confidence that they were not basically deluding themselves about being into you?

Look. I think I get it. I think a lot of us go through a phase of being drawn to "the project" (to coin a term more usually applied to men). The fantasy of fixing someone who is slightly damaged and vulnerable is all well and good until you actually have to live with someone who is damaged and vulnerable. I don't mean mental illness, mentally ill people can and do have functional relationships all the time but the key word there is functional. A person who cannot tell the difference between a relationship which is nice and pleasant and works and one which frankly sounds borderline abusive is not someone you ever, ever want to be involved with for reasons which should be very, very obvious.

Bear in mind I'm pushing 30 and have been in enough bad relationships that this is just a reflex now, so don't let me impede your own learning process. But seriously, if only jerks will date someone, usually there is a reason for that.

Lilani's post above kind of puts me to shame, so I should probably clarify. I don't mean you should avoid people or shun them or ignore them or be hostile to them, but just recognize that relationships are a terrible way to help someone with low self esteem, because even if it helps then that's not self esteem, it's just dependence, and dependence is what allows these horrible dysfunctional relationships to happen in the first place. By getting involved you aren't helping someone, you're just perpetuating a cycle of low self esteem, dependence and disappointment which may well consume someone's life.

I don't think of her at all as a project. To me, she seems to be a really sweet girl who has a lot of great qualities, is also very attractive, but has a negative quality of falling for guys who disrespect her and staying with them. If I were to date her, the fact that she tends to date men who treat her poorly is a non-issue. Of course, if she dumps me because I'm not treating her poorly and thus not fulfilling some need for drama in her life, I'll chalk it up as a learning experience.

Also, I don't really understand the reasons that are obvious to you, nor do I know what you are talking about when you say dependence and how it can be a bad thing. I've only been in one, short relationship and she was very independent. A part of me believes that she left because she was an independent woman. Right now, the last thing I want is to get dumped again. They very thought is terrifying to me. I don't want to go through that pain again.

So no, my intention of dating her is not about helping her. It's all about me, and there shouldn't be anything wrong with that. Of course if I were able to date her, I'd treat her with kindness and respect and try my hardest to make sure she's as happy as possible without going overboard. And hopefully, in the process she'd learn how a man is actually supposed to treat her.