I must be punished!

[Sneaky-Pie]

How to begin... I'll start with a question.

Have you ever believed that you needed to punish yourself for something? Another way of saying is that you deliberately don't allow yourself to achieve any form of happiness simply because you believe you do not deserve it.

Is that normal behavior during an emotionally catastrophic event?

This has been bothering me for maybe the last two weeks or so as I have further dwelled on it.

Spoiler: Here's a little back story.

Two years ago, my wife left me and pursued a divorce. It was completely unexpected on my end and it put me in quite a shock. She gave the usual excuses like "It's me, not you" and her reasons for leaving were "I want to live life, have fun, and see other people." She did this three days before my birthday.

I tried everything I could think off in an attempt to rectify my marriage as I loved her deeply, but unfortunately, two years later, I am divorced.

I've had ample time to cope with the situation and while I feel that I made incredible progress (considering I was suicidal during the first few months), as of now I'm under the belief that I don't deserve to start dating again.

It's quite strange though. I have two conflicting thoughts in my head. One, I want to start dating again and fill this emotional hole that I have, and Two, I don't deserve the happiness that it would bring me. Interestingly enough, number two is winning. For some reason I am punishing myself and it seems right. As much as I hate it, it just seems that's the way I'm supposed to be. I don't deserve to be happy.

I've had opportunities to date, but I just cannot bring myself to do because of my conflicting thoughts about it.

Guilt is the first thing that comes to mind, but I'm all but positive that it isn't as it certainly doesn't feel that way. I just can't figure it out. I don't understand why I'm doing this to myself.

EDIT: While so far I appreciate everyone's responses (I do enjoy getting multiple perspectives on a problem), I feel I need to stress that this is not a relationship problem. I can see how it was confused for one.

It's a ME problem.

My problem is with I cannot figure out why I'm allowing myself to be punished in this manner.

 

[Jezzascmezza]

Jeez man, you don't sound so good.
You should go see a doctor or something; they can probably give you better advice than random people on the internet.

 

[snowman6251]

Sounds like your ex was the one who wronged you so you haven't done anything bad that would make you undeserving of happiness. You should try and get over this so you can go have some fun.

 

[Dango]

I've punished myself before, but not like this. C'mon, whether you believe it or not, just like anyone else, you deserve the happiness that comes from love, it's something that everyone should have. And stop being so selfish, don't blame yourself for stuff like that.

 

[Risingblade]

Well chances are you aren't going to find happiness right away so go ahead and start dating, you can go ahead and feel guilty afterwards

 

[ALuckyChance]

If anything about your divorce was truly your fault, you would have probably realized what you did wrong by now.

Think of it this way: You can either start dating, or you can try never having another relationship due to your self-deprecating and depressive attitude, and dig your own grave. I think you'd rather prefer the former.

Sorry if I sound a bit harsh.

 

[Bon_Clay]

Dude come on you have nothing to feel guilty over, long term exclusive relationships are incredibly hard, and I'm not sure if humans were ever meant for such things. And you weren't the one who decided to end it. So just say screw the past, live your life and do what you want. Whatever happens happens, just deal with it the best you can.

 

[Rylot]

That's actually pretty normal behavior. If a person can't rationalize why something bad happened it's pretty common to assume it's their fault. However punishing yourself for something you didn't do, or hiding out of fear of being hurt again isn't healthy. Seriously, get counseling and help. You can't love anyone else until you love yourself, and unless you've murdered or raped someone you deserve to be happy and loved.

 

[Zyst]

You've been a bad, bad boy.

 

[SimuLord]

My ex-wife left me nine months ago (after five years of marriage), and I feel quite comfortable around women these days. That's not to say I didn't leave a trail of broken hearts in my wake as I tried to recover too quickly, only to say that for gods' sake, dude, at some point you have to realize that failing once after making an honest effort does not consign you permanently to the dustbin of history.

We all must learn our weaknesses...and since our bubble-wrap-parenting society does not allow us to do so as kids anymore (my generation was pretty much the last one on that boat), a lot of people become completely dysfunctional the moment they get their first cold, hard dose of reality from life.

Get the fuck over it, man.

 

[arsenicCatnip]

First, as another divorcee, I'll say I'm sorry and I know how you feel.

It is a completely normal response after an emotional trauma to kind of close yourself off, especially if you feel it was somehow your fault. But it isn't, it wasn't, and you deserve all the happiness in the world.

I remember when I used to punish myself for things...

Spoiler

after a lot of the traumatic crap I went through as a teen (beatings, my parents' separation, my mother's constant mental breakdowns), I used to cut myself because it was my way of punishing myself for feeling angry or upset, or for crying. It turned into a veritable addiction that I had to hide... but as of right now it's been ten months since the last time I did

 

[Guitarmasterx7]

Unless there's some part of the story you're not telling us, I would say that you should feel more like "wow, my ex wife was a *****" than "I'm a bad person" I don't know dude. Really the only advice I can give is get over it. Man up. Every time you think "I don't deserve this" tell yourself "Fuck that, I'm me. Even if I don't deserve it I'm still able to do it, so I might as well take advantage of it." Maybe I'm just jaded, but unless there's some tangible consequence, nothing gets between me and doing something that I want to do.

 

[BonsaiK]

How to begin... I'll start with a question.

Have you ever believed that you needed to punish yourself for something? Another way of saying is that you deliberately don't allow yourself to achieve any form of happiness simply because you believe you do not deserve it.

Is that normal behavior during an emotionally catastrophic event?

This has been bothering me for maybe the last two weeks or so as I have further dwelled on it.

Spoiler: Here's a little back story.

Two years ago, my wife left me and pursued a divorce. It was completely unexpected on my end and it put me in quite a shock. She gave the usual excuses like "It's me, not you" and her reasons for leaving were "I want to live life, have fun, and see other people." She did this three days before my birthday.

I tried everything I could think off in an attempt to rectify my marriage as I loved her deeply, but unfortunately, two years later, I am divorced.

I've had ample time to cope with the situation and while I feel that I made incredible progress (considering I was suicidal during the first few months), as of now I'm under the belief that I don't deserve to start dating again.

It's quite strange though. I have two conflicting thoughts in my head. One, I want to start dating again and fill this emotional hole that I have, and Two, I don't deserve the happiness that it would bring me. Interestingly enough, number two is winning. For some reason I am punishing myself and it seems right. As much as I hate it, it just seems that's the way I'm supposed to be. I don't deserve to be happy.

I've had opportunities to date, but I just cannot bring myself to do because of my conflicting thoughts about it.

Guilt is the first thing that comes to mind, but I'm all but positive that it isn't as it certainly doesn't feel that way. I just can't figure it out. I don't understand why I'm doing this to myself.

Relationship threads are like buses. You wait all day for one and then three come at once.

Answered in the Relationship Problem thread at the following link: ---> http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/18.117161-Relationship-problem-thread?page=46#8020732

 

[Eumersian]

I'm not going to try to relate, but I feel that way sometimes, even though I've never been married/divorced, in part because I've never had a girlfriend before (which is sad, I'm in college now). I feel like because I never was successful I shouldn't try to get into a relationship, but I was never successful because I am a quiet reserved person. It's as if I'm punishing myself for having a particular personality, and I have a tough time bringing myself to want any particular woman, thinking that it'll never go over so I shouldn't anyway.

 

[Sneaky-Pie]

While so far I appreciate everyone's responses (I do enjoy getting multiple perspectives on a problem), I feel I need to stress that this is not a relationship problem. I can see how it was confused for one.

It's a ME problem.

My problem is with I cannot figure out why I'm allowing myself to be punished in this manner.

 

[arsenicCatnip]

While so far I appreciate everyone's responses (I do enjoy getting multiple perspectives on a problem), I feel I need to stress that this is not a relationship problem. I can see how it was confused for one.

It's a ME problem.

My problem is with I cannot figure out why I'm allowing myself to be punished in this manner.

It's not allowing so much as... well, I don't know exactly what to call it. The thing you've gotta remember is that there's no need to punish yourself for things that happen.

If you want to talk or anything, PM me.

 

[Sightless Wisdom]

Alright, my first advice is to talk to a psychologist, not a psychiatrist mind you. Now, the cheap option:my advice.

This is a normal behavior exhibited by many people in your situation or similar. It's certainly not abnormal to have doubts about attempting to find another person with whom you can share an intimate relationship. I would suggest that you allow yourself to do what you want to in this situation, which would I assume be to start dating again.

Like I said, go see a psychologist if you have the time and money; I'm not the most reputable source for life advice.

 

[SimuLord]

While so far I appreciate everyone's responses (I do enjoy getting multiple perspectives on a problem), I feel I need to stress that this is not a relationship problem. I can see how it was confused for one.

It's a ME problem.

My problem is with I cannot figure out why I'm allowing myself to be punished in this manner.

Because in your mind, you failed. You made a promise to give yourself to someone for the rest of your days, for better or for worse, and she decided that you weren't worthy of her keeping that same promise. You're gonna spend the rest of your life wondering just exactly why and how you failed, and until and unless you meet someone else who fills that void and truly accepts you as worthy, you will always be haunted by that ghost of failures past.

And it's vicious, because we are ultimately our own worst enemy. I've been there. I could've been the man of her dreams to someone who was the girl of mine...and I wasn't. I failed. And she decided she would never be happy with me---and worse, she unilaterally decided I'd never be happy with her.

Again, I've come to terms with it myself---and that's the part that's REAL easy for me to say "get the fuck over it". Because it's all you can do. Man up, draw on the bravado that's encoded into the Y chromosome, and hope like hell it all sorts out.

There are some really good women on the Escapist. I have no romantic dog in the fight with most of them (some I would happily date in a heartbeat if the opportunity presented itself, but never mind that now.) Their reminding me that I'm not such a bad guy is a sweet tonic and medicine to my soul.

Find friends here. Of both genders. And keep the faith.

 

[JUMBO PALACE]

Sounds like your ex wife is a *****. If she loved you half as much as you did her then she would never have done that to you. Don't blame yourself for her mistake. You sound like a great and caring husband. Plenty of women are looking fora guy just like you. Get back on the horse and live your life. Don't let her ruin everything for you.

 

[The Geek Lord]

Okay, let me clear this up for you. I'm the 15-year-old on this board. Being an annoying angsty jackass is my job. Quit stealing my paycheck.

All joking aside, stop punishing yourself. Just stop. You should be happy. What the fuck is the point in life if you're completely miserable? None, really. Life is short. Live your life the way you want to, be happy.

And if need be, I'll jump out of a hyperspace warp portal with a giant robot, jump out of the giant robot and sock you one. Apparently doing so and then giving an epic speech makes people feel better, if Gurren Lagann has taught me anything.