I eat because I'm sad, and I'm sad because I eat! It's a vicious circle... (I think this is from something so if you know then I will present you with one cookie, though maybe it isn't. I'unno)
OP, Your gonna be good mate. Time heals all wounds. Just relax for a bit, start dating when you are ready too. When you are ready you will know. That may be in one month and it may be in one year, but when it happens you will know.
Everybody deserves happiness, sadly I'm sure you are already aware of this and this is a useless nugget of info.
My advice would be jump in, you can't be thinking about punishing yourself if you are floundering in the deep end. Get active in the social scene and replace the self punishment with social interaction.
Have you ever believed that you needed to punish yourself for something? Another way of saying is that you deliberately don't allow yourself to achieve any form of happiness simply because you believe you do not deserve it.
Is that normal behavior during an emotionally catastrophic event?
This has been bothering me for maybe the last two weeks or so as I have further dwelled on it.
Two years ago, my wife left me and pursued a divorce. It was completely unexpected on my end and it put me in quite a shock. She gave the usual excuses like "It's me, not you" and her reasons for leaving were "I want to live life, have fun, and see other people." She did this three days before my birthday.
I tried everything I could think off in an attempt to rectify my marriage as I loved her deeply, but unfortunately, two years later, I am divorced.
I've had ample time to cope with the situation and while I feel that I made incredible progress (considering I was suicidal during the first few months), as of now I'm under the belief that I don't deserve to start dating again.
It's quite strange though. I have two conflicting thoughts in my head. One, I want to start dating again and fill this emotional hole that I have, and Two, I don't deserve the happiness that it would bring me. Interestingly enough, number two is winning. For some reason I am punishing myself and it seems right. As much as I hate it, it just seems that's the way I'm supposed to be. I don't deserve to be happy.
I've had opportunities to date, but I just cannot bring myself to do because of my conflicting thoughts about it.
Guilt is the first thing that comes to mind, but I'm all but positive that it isn't as it certainly doesn't feel that way. I just can't figure it out. I don't understand why I'm doing this to myself.
EDIT: While so far I appreciate everyone's responses (I do enjoy getting multiple perspectives on a problem), I feel I need to stress that this is not a relationship problem. I can see how it was confused for one.
It's a ME problem.
My problem is with I cannot figure out why I'm allowing myself to be punished in this manner.
Ok i'm going to take your pleas at face value to begin with.
You feel you need to be punished? Fine lets go with a semi extreme and punch yourself in the crotch nice and hard (not too hard don't wanna rupture something, that's beyond punishment and more like masochism).
Do this upto 5 times to feel better.
WHEN THIS DOESN'T WORK. (Because it won't)
Look at yourself and realise. You're ex wife was a *****. Yes, a complete and total ***** for leaving you and making a completely bullshit set of reasons up and not having the stones to say what was really bothering her about you.
You are not at fault, you tried our best to fix it, she didn't wanna hear about it. Thus shes a total *****.
Grab yourself a 12 pack and go out clubbing, bring some condoms with you. Drink well but gradually, ease yourself into it at first. Start offf with 2 doubles of your favourite heavy spirit like whisky/vodka/rum/whatever. Have a mixer with it so it doesn't hit you like a drunk. Have it on an empty stomach so it gives your head just a *little* bit of a rush. Eat something afterwards.
This step is key because it'll help you relax, loosen up and generally not care. An alcoholic prozac if you will.
Find the hottest single woman who isnt repulsed by you and apply beer until willing.
????
PROFIT!
EDIT: Just so you know, it IS guilt. Guilt comes in thousands of forms, from violent outbursts, to uncontrollable sobbing, to simply going numb and shutting down to the outside world totally. The last one has happened to me a lot, albiet its usually for a few seconds, but it does cause me to just switch off totally. Your mind doesn't wanna deal with the idea that it might have been your fault because you know it would destroy your sanity. Which is why you need someone like me to give you a bit of a push like above.
You arn't at fault, she's just a ****. (excuse the language but it's a necessary evil int his case). You don't seem to have properly blamed someone for what happened. So it's time to start blaming her. She's as good a target as any and no one minds much about people cursing out their exes and bad mouthing them into the ground.
Seriously though, this sounds like something you should talk about with a licensed therapist. It's one thing to be depressed because of a divorce, but consciously wanting to keep yourself from happiness is just messed up.
I'm guessing this all stems from the fact that you think that your divorce was something that was your fault, that it was something that you could have prevented. I think you need to talk to your ex, and get her to tell her what the real reason was that she wanted to leave you. If you find out that it truly wasn't your fault you might be able to move past this.
I would like to point out though that 50% of marriages end in divorce, so it's always best to half expect it to happen from the get go. That's a very pessimistic view of life, but as Tyler Durden said, "you are not special."
It's not a need to talk per se, more of a need to *demand*, getting the anger out of the way through said communication will help because everyone knows. When you find out you've been blaming yourself because someone was giving yu the run around, you get *PISSED*.
How very kinky! Yeah, I know everyone thought that. WE'RE MATURE HERE.
I've had a double take about a couple of things I've done in the past, and felt bad afterwards...but I've never felt the need for punishment per se.
I would say you should try going out with a couple of friends, but if you just don't feel up to dating, wait a while.
Don't know if you read Cracked.com but they did an article about bad things of breaking-up. This may be to do with "love withdrawal". Seriously, it happens.
How very kinky! Yeah, I know everyone thought that. WE'RE MATURE HERE.
I've had a double take about a couple of things I've done in the past, and felt bad afterwards...but I've never felt the need for punishment per se.
I would say you should try going out with a couple of friends, but if you just don't feel up to dating, wait a while.
Don't know if you read Cracked.com but they did an article about bad things of breaking-up. This may be to do with "love withdrawal". Seriously, it happens.
Seems like one of those things you gotta just plough on with. You know you shouldn't be feeling this way, so you got just try and knock that shit down. SimuLord is giving you some good advice too, I'd listen to him.
It's quite strange though. I have two conflicting thoughts in my head. One, I want to start dating again and fill this emotional hole that I have, and Two, I don't deserve the happiness that it would bring me. Interestingly enough, number two is winning. For some reason I am punishing myself and it seems right. As much as I hate it, it just seems that's the way I'm supposed to be. I don't deserve to be happy.
Or rather, you shouldn't try to pursue finding a new woman when you so clearly aren't over your ex wife. The fact that you describe it as an "emotional hole" confirms this suspicion of mine. Confident, happy and stable people don't date to "fill a hole"... Well not in the sense im refering to here (people of dirty mindsets can keep their snippy comments to themselves ), they more likely stumble upon people to form romantic relationships on a more spontaneous premise. This because they already lead happy and fulfilling lives even WITHOUT a significant other, making the significant other that they eventually find just plain gravy.
Thus you should try to make your life a little more happy and stable on your own, before trying to involve another person in it.
'cause I can tell ya, that trying to find a "substitute wife" to fill the void that your ex left is a sure way to seven kinds of hell.
It's been said plenty of times already, but how about one more. It's a real shame what you are going through and I wish you the best. You deserve to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy. Every. One. You'll feel better eventually, just do whatever you can to keep you head up.
While so far I appreciate everyone's responses (I do enjoy getting multiple perspectives on a problem), I feel I need to stress that this is not a relationship problem. I can see how it was confused for one.
It's a ME problem.
My problem is with I cannot figure out why I'm allowing myself to be punished in this manner.
Because in your mind, you failed. You made a promise to give yourself to someone for the rest of your days, for better or for worse, and she decided that you weren't worthy of her keeping that same promise. You're gonna spend the rest of your life wondering just exactly why and how you failed, and until and unless you meet someone else who fills that void and truly accepts you as worthy, you will always be haunted by that ghost of failures past.
And it's vicious, because we are ultimately our own worst enemy. I've been there. I could've been the man of her dreams to someone who was the girl of mine...and I wasn't. I failed. And she decided she would never be happy with me---and worse, she unilaterally decided I'd never be happy with her.
Again, I've come to terms with it myself---and that's the part that's REAL easy for me to say "get the fuck over it". Because it's all you can do. Man up, draw on the bravado that's encoded into the Y chromosome, and hope like hell it all sorts out.
There are some really good women on the Escapist. I have no romantic dog in the fight with most of them (some I would happily date in a heartbeat if the opportunity presented itself, but never mind that now.) Their reminding me that I'm not such a bad guy is a sweet tonic and medicine to my soul.
Find friends here. Of both genders. And keep the faith.
SimuLord makes a great point here. And really, you can't spend your life wondering why and what happened between you. Getting over it is gonna take a long while, but you don't have to find someone to date.
I made the opposite mistake, Sneaky. After my divorce, I threw myself into a couple of shitty relationships, and realized that it wasn't filling that 'hole' that I needed.
The Escapist is a wonderful place to meet people and make friends without any romantic interest between you. Just talk to people, enjoy being yourself, and maybe put out feelers when YOU feel you're ready.
If you need a friend, well, Sim and I are here
[sub]maybe i should start a 'divorced Escapists' usergroup if there isn't one.[/sub]
It's quite strange though. I have two conflicting thoughts in my head. One, I want to start dating again and fill this emotional hole that I have, and Two, I don't deserve the happiness that it would bring me. Interestingly enough, number two is winning. For some reason I am punishing myself and it seems right. As much as I hate it, it just seems that's the way I'm supposed to be. I don't deserve to be happy.
I've had opportunities to date, but I just cannot bring myself to do because of my conflicting thoughts about it.
My problem is with I cannot figure out why I'm allowing myself to be punished in this manner
I had a similar experience, but in a relationship, not marriage. I felt as if I were to blame for things not working out for a while, and I told myself I would not get back into dating for the longest time.
This may seem far fetched, but it could have to do with the fact that you in some way want to prove to yourself (and subconsciously her) that you understand you did something "wrong," and you have been able to make yourself feel it without anybody else.
I don't know the full extent of what happened, but I can tell you that blaming yourself gets you nowhere. Instead think of it as your right to go ahead and get back into dating because seriously, it is.
You seem like a nice guy, and she probably fucked up big time in letting you go. You do not have to regret that one little bit. In time, she probably will.
I hope this helps, and if it doesn't, I'm sorry. I'm only 17.
It's quite strange though. I have two conflicting thoughts in my head. One, I want to start dating again and fill this emotional hole that I have, and Two, I don't deserve the happiness that it would bring me. Interestingly enough, number two is winning. For some reason I am punishing myself and it seems right. As much as I hate it, it just seems that's the way I'm supposed to be. I don't deserve to be happy.
look, from the sound of things, she was telling the truth! from what you said, she just wasnt enjoying being commited to one person, it wasnt your fault! you just need to find someone who will!
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