I need some 'intimate' advice.

[nunqual]

I'm a bit nervous about posting this, but it seems to be bothering my girlfriend so I hope I can find a solution. Basically, I seem to be having the opposite problem that many men have in intimate situations. It takes me a very long time to.. do the deed. I know that probably doesn't sound very bad, but it has her feeling like she's not performing well or doing a particularly good job. She's not very experienced, this is true, but it still feels nice, it doesn't hurt or anything. It just takes a while.. And yes, I can get and maintain an erection rather well, I've never had any problem with that. It's just the amount of time that it takes for me to do the deed, so to speak, that's the problem.

So basically I'm asking for anyone to give either of us any tips or advice to help speed up the process.

Thanks in advance.

 

[artanis_neravar]

I'm a bit nervous about posting this, but it seems to be bothering my girlfriend so I hope I can find a solution. Basically, I seem to be having the opposite problem that many men have in intimate situations. It takes me a very long time to.. do the deed. I know that probably doesn't sound very bad, but it has her feeling like she's not performing well or doing a particularly good job. She's not very experienced, this is true, but it still feels nice, it doesn't hurt or anything. It just takes a while.. And yes, I can get and maintain an erection rather well, I've never had any problem with that. It's just the amount of time that it takes for me to do the deed, so to speak, that's the problem.

So basically I'm asking for anyone to give either of us any tips or advice to help speed up the process.

Thanks in advance.

Well now I feel inadequate....I'm really not sure what to tell you other then, just make sure she knows it's not her "fault"

 

[Avistew]

Delayed ejaculation can be a big problem. How to delay it depends on what caused it. One common factor is that you're too used to a certain form of stimulation and take longer from other forms. For instance if you always masturbate in the same way and with a firm grip, a vagina can't replicate that level of stimulation and it will take a while in comparison.

What can help is to reeducate "it". First, make sure to masturbate without a firm grip. Not even at the very end. If you can't come from it, you don't get to come at all. If you just go back to the old way then your penis has no reason to learn to change.
It's going to be difficult and frustrating but it's possible.
Then replace that with hr masturbating you, same thing, until you come. You can help with your own hand but no tight grip still.
And then intercourse and oral sex. If the problem was physical, that might solve it.

If the problem is emotional, masturbating in front of her, then her masturbating you, etc, would still work because it would make you more comfortable with it gradually (although it might be very awkward at first). So really I suggest the same thing in both cases.

Note that delayed ejaculation is more common if you're circumcised. Are you?
Either way, look up "delayed ejaculation" and you'll see you're not the only one, and sadly many people greet such problems with "I wish I had that problem". Sadly it causes loss of self-esteem in both parties, and often avoidance of sex because of the dread that it will take ages. It can also be painful to have sex for too long. In other words it can be a very serious issue.
Good luck.

 

[nunqual]

Delayed ejaculation can be a big problem. How to delay it depends on what caused it. One common factor is that you're too used to a certain form of stimulation and take longer from other forms. For instance if you always masturbate in the same way and with a firm grip, a vagina can't replicate that level of stimulation and it will take a while in comparison.

What can help is to reeducate "it". First, make sure to masturbate without a firm grip. Not even at the very end. If you can't come from it, you don't get to come at all. If you just go back to the old way then your penis has no reason to learn to change.
It's going to be difficult and frustrating but it's possible.
Then replace that with hr masturbating you, same thing, until you come. You can help with your own hand but no tight grip still.
And then intercourse and oral sex. If the problem was physical, that might solve it.

If the problem is emotional, masturbating in front of her, then her masturbating you, etc, would still work because it would make you more comfortable with it gradually (although it might be very awkward at first). So really I suggest the same thing in both cases.

Note that delayed ejaculation is more common if you're circumcised. Are you?
Either way, look up "delayed ejaculation" and you'll see you're not the only one, and sadly many people greet such problems with "I wish I had that problem". Sadly it causes loss of self-esteem in both parties, and often avoidance of sex because of the dread that it will take ages. It can also be painful to have sex for too long. In other words it can be a very serious issue.
Good luck.

Would it help to simply stop masturbation for a while?

Also: I am circumcised, does that affect any of the solutions?

 

[Slaanesh]

Were you wearing a condom? If so, and if she's up for it, go raw but use birth control. See if that helps.

Wearing a condom prevented me from finishing the job(for me, not for her) and going raw helped, still took me a long time though.

 

[science girl]

Hi, I am a girl and I am responding just because I was in the same situation as your girlfriend.
I get what she is saying about not performing. She probably feels that she is not doing it for you and that it almost takes effort for you to finish which could make her wonder "is there something I'm doing wrong?" "Is he not excited enough?". If you try and be a bit more enthusiastic make some nose to show you are excited and work up to it. Also tell her that you are enjoying it alot and that she has nothing to worry about. I know this might not help but it might give you some perspective on what she feels like.

 

[nunqual]

Hi, I am a girl and I am responding just because I was in the same situation as your girlfriend.
I get what she is saying about not performing. She probably feels that she is not doing it for you and that it almost takes effort for you to finish which could make her wonder "is there something I'm doing wrong?" "Is he not excited enough?". If you try and be a bit more enthusiastic make some nose to show you are excited and work up to it. Also tell her that you are enjoying it alot and that she has nothing to worry about. I know this might not help but it might give you some perspective on what she feels like.

I've been trying to explain to her that she's not doing anything wrong, but I suppose I can't really explain it well enough. I feel really bad about it.

 

[science girl]

Don't feel bad about it. It's not a problem at all like! I am still with my boyfriend after it I think it was our openness about it and acknowledging that it wasn't a problem but actually a rare and lucky situation we were in I think the best thing we ever did was talk about it not as if it was a problem but as a happy situation. I think our solution was that once we talked about it everything seemed less like a "serious situation" but nothing to worry about.
Tell her you love her and you want her to enjoy it as much as possible maybe she has some ideas she was playing around with in her head that would make it more enjoyable and that extra time in bed can be something to love forward to instead of being viewed as a problem.

Hope I helped somewhat anyway
This is moreso the emotional side to it I suppose instead of the physical one but it can be just as important when dealing with a girl's emotions.

 

[Avistew]

Would it help to simply stop masturbation for a while?

Also: I am circumcised, does that affect any of the solutions?

If you stop masturbating for a while, you will most likely be faster the next time you have sex, but that might stop there. But you can definitely give it a try. It seems less realistic to me than learning to masturbate in a different way though, but maybe that's not a problem for you.

Being circumcised doesn't really affect the solutions, it just makes it more likely that the problem is physical. Because there is no foreskin protecting the glans, it's less sensitive. That means delayed ejaculation happens more often to circumcised males and premature ejaculation to non circumcised males, provided the reason is purely physical (when it's emotional then it's not as relevant).

 

[aegix drakan_v1legacy]

*takes notes*

I'm sure I'll be having this kind of problem whenever my GF and I get to that point. Good to know how to deal with it before the fact.

Congrats OP, not only did you (probably) help yourself, you ended up (probably) helping someone else too!

 

[jobu59749]

I'm quite the opposite from you. I get excited easily by my wife and I am very sensitive. In my case, de-sensitizing condoms have worked wonders.

So if we play the opposite game, you may want to look into something that will make the penis more sensitive, i.e. anything that is a cooling sensation. These products contain menthol which can make things sensitive. Try putting it on at the base of the head where the penis is most sensitive or other area's. Experiment.

Also, communication is another important thing if it's just something you can't fix. Continual reassurement that it's not her. Tell he how beautiful, sexy, etc. she is regularly. Talking about your sexual relationship regularly can help her understand if she isn't understanding right away. If you can't say it very well verbally, trying writing it. I'm a writer and have always communicated problems better on paper.

 

[RunicFox]

Hello nunqual,

First off, women and men being different in terms of mentality, simply telling her isn't going to help as much. Instead, the best course of action is to sit down and talk out fantasies if you haven't already.

You note that she isn't as experienced, this statement also maintains that you are. Have you had a lot more partners than she has? If so, patience is the most important tool. You both need to explore things that help the other feel emotionally and sexually satisfied. Sex is a really, really complicated beast.

Anyway, I know you're both feeling really bad about the situation, but women more so than men operate on exchange of feelings. If you care about her, find the *right time* to sit down and talk about the act, and about what fantasies would fulfill her and fulfill you. Dedicate times when the act is purely about you and purely about her -- learn things about each other and help teach each other.


Best advice I could give. You'd be surprised at the power of talk.

 

[Olrod]

It's strange how, if the situation were reversed, most people wouldn't even regard it as an issue. Women stating that their man can't give them an orgasm, etc. appears to be a pretty common occurrence.

What those women usually end up doing in that situation is faking it.

If I were in your situation, I'd probably do the same thing and fake my orgasms to more-or-less coincide with hers until "the event" became more reliable.

Assuming she isn't having a similar issue, of course.

 

[Terminal Blue]

I'm a bit nervous about posting this, but it seems to be bothering my girlfriend so I hope I can find a solution. Basically, I seem to be having the opposite problem that many men have in intimate situations. It takes me a very long time to.. do the deed. I know that probably doesn't sound very bad, but it has her feeling like she's not performing well or doing a particularly good job. She's not very experienced, this is true, but it still feels nice, it doesn't hurt or anything. It just takes a while.. And yes, I can get and maintain an erection rather well, I've never had any problem with that. It's just the amount of time that it takes for me to do the deed, so to speak, that's the problem.

What you're describing is an incredibly common yet bizarre under-reported experience. You're fine, what you need to do is explain to your girlfriend that men are exactly like women in this regard, and their potential to achieve orgasm is incredibly individual. She should not be disappointed, she should not blame herself or feel that she's done a bad job, some guys just don't come easy (heh), and if she ever ends up with the alternative she'll quickly realize it wasn't so bad.

There are some things which might help, depending on exactly what the problem is.

* If it's skin sensitivity. Masterbate less commonly and more gently, even just leaving yourself alone for a little while can make you more sensitive in the short term. It will probably also lead to better orgasms when you achieve them, but that's a whole different story so for now, just try being more gentle with yourself.
* If it's distraction or discomfort, you may be used to only getting off in particular positions or circumstances. If you only masturbate lying on your back or sitting down and don't move too much, then your body might not respond too well to missionary. In the short term, you can help by getting your girlfriend to replicate the positions you masturbate in when she wants to get you off. In the longer term you will get more used to it.
* If it's an emotional thing or insufficient arousal it will probably get better over time. A lot of people find it takes a while (meaning months, not weeks) to get really used to a particular sexual partner, so it might just be that you're still figuring her out. If it really persists, there are therapists who specialize in this kind of thing. But I wouldn't bother, there are worse sexual dysfunctions.
* If the problem is her performance. She'll learn, but you can help her by giving feedback. Make sure you react to things she does which you like, and if she's doing something wrong try to gently help her or move her so she's doing something better. She'll probably notice.

If I were in your situation, I'd probably do the same thing and fake my orgasms to more-or-less coincide with hers until "the event" became more reliable.

This is just my opinion, but never fake orgasms. It's not worth it. It doesn't improve the situation, it just means that whatever isn't working so well you're left solving it on your own, and that's actively unhelpful. The last thing you want to feel when you're having sex with someone you love is lonely.

 

[BGH122]

Delayed ejaculation can be a big problem. How to delay it depends on what caused it. One common factor is that you're too used to a certain form of stimulation and take longer from other forms. For instance if you always masturbate in the same way and with a firm grip, a vagina can't replicate that level of stimulation and it will take a while in comparison.

What can help is to reeducate "it". First, make sure to masturbate without a firm grip. Not even at the very end. If you can't come from it, you don't get to come at all. If you just go back to the old way then your penis has no reason to learn to change.
It's going to be difficult and frustrating but it's possible.
Then replace that with hr masturbating you, same thing, until you come. You can help with your own hand but no tight grip still.
And then intercourse and oral sex. If the problem was physical, that might solve it.

If the problem is emotional, masturbating in front of her, then her masturbating you, etc, would still work because it would make you more comfortable with it gradually (although it might be very awkward at first). So really I suggest the same thing in both cases.

Note that delayed ejaculation is more common if you're circumcised. Are you?
Either way, look up "delayed ejaculation" and you'll see you're not the only one, and sadly many people greet such problems with "I wish I had that problem". Sadly it causes loss of self-esteem in both parties, and often avoidance of sex because of the dread that it will take ages. It can also be painful to have sex for too long. In other words it can be a very serious issue.
Good luck.

Would it help to simply stop masturbation for a while?

Also: I am circumcised, does that affect any of the solutions?

It's actually a rather common mistake for people to believe delayed ejaculation is caused by masturbation. I've literally never seen a single study in recent years that actually makes that link. This used to be the go-to link for physicians many years ago.

These days physicians tend to believe it's due to a mixture of blood pressure, endocrine problems, prostate problems (even relatively common problems like prostatitis) and/or infection (I'm barring neurological causes here because you'd have probably mentioned the other symptoms).

Consult your physician if you're feeling that this is causing a problem and make your girlfriend aware of the medical condition. Also, don't believe this masturbation hogwash, whilst it's an amusing theory (which is almost certainly why it's become so widely known) it's by no means considered veracious amongst most physicians.

Also, make your girlfriend laugh by using the old, old name for this disorder 'Retarded Ejaculation'.

This is just my opinion, but never fake orgasms. It's not worth it. It doesn't improve the situation, it just means that whatever isn't working so well you're left solving it on your own, and that's actively unhelpful. The last thing you want to feel when you're having sex with someone you love is lonely.

Agreed. Setting up a relationship based upon lies is always a terrible idea.

 

[Zandarck]

Tried different positions? Some may make the deed happen faster.

 

[robert01]

I'm a bit nervous about posting this, but it seems to be bothering my girlfriend so I hope I can find a solution. Basically, I seem to be having the opposite problem that many men have in intimate situations. It takes me a very long time to.. do the deed. I know that probably doesn't sound very bad, but it has her feeling like she's not performing well or doing a particularly good job. She's not very experienced, this is true, but it still feels nice, it doesn't hurt or anything. It just takes a while.. And yes, I can get and maintain an erection rather well, I've never had any problem with that. It's just the amount of time that it takes for me to do the deed, so to speak, that's the problem.

So basically I'm asking for anyone to give either of us any tips or advice to help speed up the process.

Thanks in advance.

Medications can cause this as well. If you are on any look up side effects, prolonged ejaculation may be on the list. I have had the problem before. Annoying as all Christ that is for sure.

 

[bluepilot]

Are you using condoms?

Maybe to condom is a little too thick. I think maybe you could try some micro condoms, these are super thin and may help you feel more comfortable. Maybe the condom itself is not the best fit for you.

Another thing I would have you consider is using ribbed. Speaking from a ladies perspective, those ribbed things....yeah, you can take as long as you like.

 

[ZeroChan]

First of all, let me say that lasting too long is WAY better than the alternative.

My boyfriend takes forever to cum sometimes, it's just the way his body works. As long as you're still enjoying yourself during the act (which it sounds like you are) then the only real issue here is convincing your girlfriend that everything is okay and she isn't lacking in some capacity that prevents you from reaching climax...

Reassure her that you don't need to cum to enjoy yourself.
Sex should be about enjoying the journey, not racing towards a finish line.

Also, let her know that if she needs to stop or take a break in the middle of things, she doesn't need to wait for you to ejaculate to call a time out. Sometimes we just need a breather, and if she views sex as not over 'til you're finished, then she might be getting impatient for the end because she's just plain exhausted.

Most importantly, if you're going to be having sex for extended periods of time, KEEP THINGS WELL LUBRICATED.
I cannot stress this enough. Good lubrication is often the difference between your lady friend viewing sex that lasts for hours as a happy fun time or an exhausting marathon that she really hopes will be over soon.

 

[ZeroChan]

Were you wearing a condom? If so, and if she's up for it, go raw but use birth control. See if that helps.

Wearing a condom prevented me from finishing the job(for me, not for her) and going raw helped, still took me a long time though.

This will certainly make you more sensitive and will probably make you ejaculate faster, but if you choose to go this route, keep in mind that birth control does not prevent disease. Before you and your girlfriend decide to start fucking without protection, you should BOTH go get yourselves tested. The blood work is simple and should be covered by your insurance. It's just a precaution, since many of STDs can go unnoticed (especially in women, who rarely show any symptoms for many of them) and it's better to be safe than sorry.

Also, she should be on birth control for about a month before you can really depend on it to be preventing pregnancies.
Give the chemicals time to begin changing her body chemistry- It's medicine, not magic.