After each time I open my mouth I wish I was dead. Sometimes I wish I'd die right before opening my mouth, to pre-emptively avoid the embarrasment.
I can't even think of a single instance, just every time I'm left wishing I hadn't said anything, or that I had said something/anything else. Sometimes I come up with the perfect thing to say, but only a week after the fact. I wish I could talk like a Joss Whedon character...
Actually, there's one that stands out. I was about 8yrs old at a classmate's birthday party. We were telling jokes, because that's what all the cool kids do at their parties. One of us was telling a joke about a boy going to the store, which I apparently found really dull. Before he could get to the punchline, I got up and shouted: "Yeah, and his mother's name is Mrs S. Exit!" You see, it was funny because it had the word 'sex' in it, or so I thought. It was the first and the last time that kid ever invited me to his birthday parties.
I've on multiple occasions made plans to get rid of all the witnesses, but for now I'm just living day by day, trying to cope with the shame.
Oh, another one! And this one doesn't have me saying anything stupid. Once upon a time there was this girl who dragged me to her karate class. Pretty basic stuff. At one point we were to practice kicks, by having a partner laying on all fours in front of us and us standing on their side, with the toes of our forward leg below their torso. We were supposed to lift the knee of our other leg above our partners, without touching them, and then kick forward. And this right here is the worst explanation of anything ever.
Anyhow, I figured it would be easy enough, so I partnered up with the girl, and proceeded to kick her in the ribs. I didn't show up for that class again. Though many years prior to that, I tossed a chunk of ice on the head of this same girl. She should have known better than to associate with me.
We were having a boys vs girls snowball fight after school. I throw like a girl, and the girls were throwing like boys, so I had to even the odds somehow. I picked up the biggest chunk I could find, and, kinda expecting it to miss, tossed it at her. It hit, she cried, I laughed. I felt like crying too, but just laughed instead. No idea how that makes sense.
