I think I'm about to be dumped.

[Zyst]

I recently (well 3 months) came out of the longest term relationship I've been in, it was 2 years of dating and I can understand what you mean. Everything was going perfectly then suddenly there was some huge trouble outside of our scope and relationship (problems with her family, heavy problems) which lead us to not being able to see us for a few months. At first I called her like usual, pretty much every day for a few hours but she was busy as hell with the same stuff I mentioned, she said she honestly felt horrible when she couldn't manage to answer no matter what and that I'd be doing her a huge favor by not calling as often, so it took a lot of effort but eventually I managed. Then eventually said family problems of her passed and we just didn't start seeing each other again. We eventually talked and she dumped me, I handled it fairly well but it was pretty soul crushing.

Overall try not to come off as clingy (not something I did, just something that I know is a huge down for many women) and talk out your worries with her instead of saying those to us. In the end whatever happens will happen. Hell, after breaking up with her in these months I've had more sex partners than what I've had in the rest of my life and honestly I'm not that down anymore, life moves on.

What I'm trying to say is if you can do something about it: Try. Don't let the ship sail away while you watch in silence. If it's outside of your control no matter what do not beat up yourself about it.

 

[Zero=Interrupt]

Dump her first. You sound really, really emotionally invested, and it'll be really, really hard, but you MUST dump her first. Otherwise, your self confidence is going to be shot and your ego will be in the crapper for months. She's going after this friend of hers who's suddenly free, and throwing you away like an old rag. That should tell you the depths of her sentimentality, chief. Think of yourself, because she doesn't give a shit. Not any more.

She'll want to stay friends. Women say this to salve their ego, to reassure themselves they aren't the bad one for rejecting you. News flash, they are. Rejecting another human being has to be done sometimes, but it's a tremendous asshole act and no one, NO ONE feels good for doing it. You have to for your own emotional and mental health. Do it first, do it fast. Doesn't have to be in person, but should be. Dump her, unfriend her on Facebook, and lose her number. Do it all quickly, rapid-fire, like ripping a piece of tape out of your leg hair.

Now, get out there and dump her.

 

[Me55enger]

November 28th 2012, at about 10:38 pm.

It was a Blood Moon that night. I knew it to be a bad Omen.

Beware.

 

[DoctorObviously]

I'm very sorry to hear this, man. To be honest, I can't help you, or give you tips on how to overcome such a harsh situation. Scenario's like this are why I don't want a girlfriend.

 

[axlryder]

Well that sucks. I'm sorry to hear that. However, she's 22. She's very young. She might just be looking for something more exciting or interesting. maybe she just wants experience. What's more, there are your own potential personal shortcomings to consider (which you haven't made us aware of). My initial reaction was a mix of what Colour-scientist said and what katatori-kun said.

Honestly, unless there's a big piece of the picture I'm missing, I'd say dump her first. It'll honestly be the easiest thing, and it'll probably allow you to bounce back more quickly. She's basically already solidified that you two are over. I say this in light of the fact that, even if you two somehow managed to patch things up for right now (and that would likely take some seriously impressive and unintuitive doings on your part), I'd still think the relationship likely wouldn't last. It's either because of you or her (or both), but right now your relationship is in a state of truly rapid deterioration, and it's not likely that you'll reverse that permanently. Take that advice with a grain of salt, since I'm definitely not filled in on all the details.

 

[Hagi]

To make it easier:
Approach her upfront and talk to her:
"[ Insert "this is how I feel about you ]",
"[ This is how I view our relationship ] ",
"[This is what I think about a future with you ]"
"Do you want to break up?"

No excuses, no BS, just be direct and for fuck's sake, be honest.

I find this to be much easier than waiting for her to make up her mind.

(Addressed at the OP, not you Caliban )

Whilst this is exactly what I have done, will do and will keep on doing I feel it's fair to add that it doesn't always lead to the best results.

If she hasn't made up her mind and is particularly indecisive then chances are that this will force her to a decision she's not yet ready to make and as such she'll make it to get away from you.

Personally I find indecisiveness a particularly unattractive quality and thus, in the long-term (short-term is never good in these situations), I'm fine with it forcing her that way since I see it as a sign she isn't the right girl for me anyway. But if you're fine with an indecisive girlfriend then it may not be the best option.

I've done it and gotten exactly this reaction. I myself have no regrets but you might have.

 

[Aariana]

As for her being easily influenced, she's been on the pill much of our relationship, which has affected her emotionally. We jointly decided to switch to condoms this year to see if it helped, and this new outlook on our relationship could either be completely real or mistaken for a clear feeling because she's free of any effects of the pill. I realise this is highly unlikely and I almost certainly don't know what I'm talking about, but... I'm frightened. I'm searching for reasons in places they may not even be.

Not to take a bit of a cold-hearted approach to this, but I wanted to point out something. When you are on birth control pills, you DO look at the world a bit differently. Your brain and body are basically hardwired to be expecting a baby, and it can change your attitude towards people. It is entirely possible that going off the pill is exactly what prompted this change of heart. Unfortunately, if this is true, there isn't much that can be done about it (stupid biology). The only thing you can really do is man up, tell her how you feel, and see what happens. I wish you the best of luck, and I know you can make it through this!

She'll want to stay friends. Women say this to salve their ego, to reassure themselves they aren't the bad one for rejecting you. News flash, they are. Rejecting another human being has to be done sometimes, but it's a tremendous asshole act and no one, NO ONE feels good for doing it. You have to for your own emotional and mental health. Do it first, do it fast. Doesn't have to be in person, but should be. Dump her, unfriend her on Facebook, and lose her number. Do it all quickly, rapid-fire, like ripping a piece of tape out of your leg hair.

And this. If worse comes to worst, just cut all ties. You won't heal otherwise.

 

[newwiseman]

This sounds very familiar; but it all happened so long ago most of the details are lost to time...

My gf ended up breaking it off in an email because "I knew if I saw you I'd want us to stay together"... She got asked out by a guy in most ways my equal but with a better family, money, and a car. She decided to trade up, but neglected to break up with me until after I confronted her that I knew she was cheating on me for the above mentioned reason.

Best advice I can give is don't put up with mindgames and give no second chances; shame me once yadda yadda yadda.

Oh a confrontation is a move you must make, others have already given detailed advice. Best of luck.

 

[Highlandheadbanger]

After nearly four years of what I thought was a loving, caring and genuinely happy relationship, my girlfriend said 3 days ago that she loves me, but she doesn't know if she's in love with me.

Wow.

She tells me, somewhat out of the blue, that lately she's been feeling like she's drifing away from me, that our relationship seems based on convenience, and that it isn't going anywhere.

The thing is though, that as far as relationships go, we've had it pretty good: we see each other often, get on well with each others' families, we're openly affectionate with each other (in public, after nearly 4 years!!), have sex frequently, and hardly ever fight. And when we do fight, we listen to and respect each other's point of view.

She tells me she's had phases of doubt in the past that have dissapated, but this one is more solid.

A few weeks ago she was chatting casually to her boss about us, when he abruptly told her it wouldn't last. She's also been catching up with a friend of hers more recently, and he's just come out of a long, stable relationship. I'm worried that she's hearing so many tales of woe about other's relationships that she thinks the same must apply to us, and I'm scared. I'm really, really scared.

I asked her if I had (or hadn't) done anything to make her feel this way and she said no. I told her to think about it, and now I'm going over to her place tomorrow, and I just can't shake this feeling of impending doom.

TLR Has anyone, especially guys, had this sense of 'about to break up' doom too? And is there any way to prepare for it or make it easier?

To make it easier:
Approach her upfront and talk to her:
"[ Insert "this is how I feel about you ]",
"[ This is how I view our relationship ] ",
"[This is what I think about a future with you ]"
"Do you want to break up?"

No excuses, no BS, just be direct and for fuck's sake, be honest.

I find this to be much easier than waiting for her to make up her mind.

Someone give this man a medal. This is it exactly--short, succinct and honest. If she wants to stay with you, I wish ya all the best, mate. Otherwise, you're young and this shit'll pass. It may hurt for a bit, but trust me life goes on.

 

[Lucid_Camel]

Lets assume you have broken up already,you need to keep busy and hang out with your friends.Talk about it,cry do what you need to do to express yourself and in about 3 days it will suck a little less.

Or you could end it yourself and take the power away from her.If she asks that she still wants to be friends , i would say " ya i think you would be better as a friend" Kind of a tiny verbal jab. Then never talk to her again.Hang out with your friends and keep busy.shits gonna hurt

 

[Colour Scientist]

snip.

yeah this, there doesnt seem to be much you can do

(is your avatar from blackbooks?)

It is indeed.

Fran is my hero.

 

[Colour Scientist]

Dump her first. You sound really, really emotionally invested, and it'll be really, really hard, but you MUST dump her first. Otherwise, your self confidence is going to be shot and your ego will be in the crapper for months. She's going after this friend of hers who's suddenly free, and throwing you away like an old rag. That should tell you the depths of her sentimentality, chief. Think of yourself, because she doesn't give a shit. Not any more.

She'll want to stay friends. Women say this to salve their ego, to reassure themselves they aren't the bad one for rejecting you. News flash, they are. Rejecting another human being has to be done sometimes, but it's a tremendous asshole act and no one, NO ONE feels good for doing it. You have to for your own emotional and mental health. Do it first, do it fast. Doesn't have to be in person, but should be. Dump her, unfriend her on Facebook, and lose her number. Do it all quickly, rapid-fire, like ripping a piece of tape out of your leg hair.

Now, get out there and dump her.

Do not follow this advice.

Hold on, no one said anything about her going after the other guy.

You can't just dump her by text so she doesn't do it first, how old are you? I hope the OP would have more respect for someone he's spent 4 years of his life with.


You sound like your projecting.

 

[Catie Caraco]

If I were you, I wouldn't make any decisions before you have a discussion with her. The difference in age seems somewhat worrisome, as you're not quite in the same stages of life. Perhaps you're ready to settle down and she isn't yet.

Also, if I may say so, your relationship sounds a little too... I don't even know if I can come up with the right word. Conflict-less? Sometimes you need the conflict, it can't always be rainbows and sunshine or the rainbows and sunshine lose their appeal. Sometimes arguments, even heated arguments, are helpful for clearing out the bad air and rekindling some passion. Remember, love and hate are the same emotion just turned on it's head. You need to be emotionally invested in a person to hate them. Apathy is what kills a relationship. If everything is always smooth sailing, you begin to take things for granted and, well, become apathetic about it.

All I'm saying is if she feels like she's drifting maybe she's feeling a lack of investment from one or both of you. It's hard to speculate when you don't know how she's truly feeling, and since you don't know neither can we. If this is a relationship you don't want to lose, ask her if there's anything you can do to make the relationship stronger. Don't do anything that you'd feel uncomfortable doing, but sometimes merely making a change and mixing things up can help.

And if this is the end, for the love of all that's sacred, do make an end of it. Make sure you have all of your own belongings that you're not willing to part with when you leave, then block her number, block her family's numbers. Remove her from facebook, cut her out of your life. I can't tell you how many times I've seen people fall into huge funks, myself included, because they are clinging to the remnants of dead relationship. Don't do that to yourself. She'll need to be out of your life for you to heal. After the healing process, well, that's up to you.

Whatever the outcome, I wish you the best, and remind you that this too shall pass. Life moves on, and if she isn't the right one for you that just means you haven't identified the right one yet. Look to this not as a game over but the start of a new game +.

 

[Lilani]

She'll want to stay friends. Women say this to salve their ego, to reassure themselves they aren't the bad one for rejecting you. News flash, they are. Rejecting another human being has to be done sometimes, but it's a tremendous asshole act and no one, NO ONE feels good for doing it. You have to for your own emotional and mental health. Do it first, do it fast. Doesn't have to be in person, but should be. Dump her, unfriend her on Facebook, and lose her number. Do it all quickly, rapid-fire, like ripping a piece of tape out of your leg hair.

I really wish people wouldn't use absolutes when talking about relationships. Sometimes you can remain friends. Hell, when I broke up with my first boyfriend, he was the one who said to me he hopes we can stay friends. And we have. Of course we weren't quite as invested as the OP was, but advice like this isn't helpful. Because first of all, a relationship not working out doesn't automatically make anyone involved a "bad person." If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. People change, and sometimes those changes affect the chemistry of your relationship. And that's fine. That's normal, that's how people work.

I will not believe that you honestly think it is worse for someone to break off a relationship than it is to stay in the relationship even though they aren't happy with it. That isn't just immature or irrational, that's insane. If you go into a relationship thinking it has to work and that things will never, ever, EVER change and that if the person does change or it just doesn't work that automatically makes the other person an asshole, then you are nothing but a controlling asshole yourself. Yeah, sometimes relationships don't work out. And that separation hurts. But that on its own doesn't make the other person an asshole. Though you can very easily become an asshole by taking out your frustration on the other person by projecting all of your pain and hate and contempt onto them, turning them into a fictitious bugbear you can use as your punching bag, because it's easier to hate something that's fake than it is to deal with pain that is real.

Can people be assholes about breaking off relationships? Yes. But your claim here that by the very act of breaking up a person is made an asshole is absolutely ridiculous.

 

[SonOfVoorhees]

Maybe things became to routine. It happens after a long relationship. I dont know what to advise to give, talk to her, find out whats wrong. Could be that the spark has gone? Again, something that happens in long relationships, you know her well, as she does you. It becomes difficult to surprise her. To shock her. To wow her.

Depending how you feel about your relationship, either accept its over, or if its not then speak to her. Take her somewhere, can be a coffee place, and just ask her whats up. If its something you can change or if you got complacent then yes. You can change that. Either way, if its over, then accept it and move on. Atleast she is telling you now and not living a lie. An if it is over, you will be happier in the long run because it is better to be in a relationship with love, than being with a person with the pretense of love. But you need to talk to her first, because that way the issue is dealt with and you can end things knowing that you did what you could and things can end in a platonic way.

 

[kypsilon]

There comes a time in relationships where after a certain point you get really comfortable with each other. This is not necessarily a bad thing, if you're comfortable you aren't likely to move on to anything else, but the problem lies in that same sense of comfortable. A comfortable person has no need to work at anything, other than just to maintain that level of comfort be it in a relationship or a job, etc. I think, purely my own opinion from what I'm reading, is that your girlfriend is feeling that sense of comfort as stagnation. She might be feeling that you're not trying anymore in some way or that your relationship isn't going anywhere because you're both comfortable with it.

YOU CAN FIX THIS.

Don't give up on her man, if you want her, seduce her again, take her back to square one and be the guy she felt excited to be with in the beginning. Date her like it's the first time like you don't have all that history; shake up your lives a bit. Draw her attention back to you, do whatever it takes to be the guy she fell in love with. Passion passion passion!

Save your relationship, do not go quietly into the night and for all that is holy do not let her go off into the night without you!

But if it doesn't work out and she does leave...you will KNOW that you tried everything you could.

Good luck brother.

 

[chozo_hybrid]

I know this isn't always true, but it seems to be more common with ages gaps like that with people. At least with a few people I know real well, who can't help but always find guys/gals roughly 5-7 years above them, I'm 25 so they're about the same as me. It can be a level of maturity thing, you're close a full blown adult, she's still a young adult so it may be some growing pains in that regard.

All I can say is, lay your cards on the table as direct as possible, tell her how you feel and how you would like things to go, see if she has a similar view, if not then go your separate ways.

Matters of the heart are never easy to solve, I truly wish you all the best.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

TLR Has anyone, especially guys, had this sense of 'about to break up' doom too? And is there any way to prepare for it or make it easier?

Yes, I have.

No, there really isn't. You will continue to tell yourself there's a chance right up until there isn't.

Odds are 95/5 a break-up is imminent. The language she is using sounds very deliberate, and I rather suspect she has already decided to leave and is laying the groundwork for the eventual breakup. You can certainly attempt the grand gesture if you wish, but it seldom ever works, and it has the unfortunate possibility of making her feel guilty enough to hang around a while longer when she really doesn't want to.

As others have suggested you can "lay your cards on the table" if you want to get the speculation over with, but be aware the most likely result of that conversation is a confirmation of your fears.

If you do get broken up with, my advice is to be the bigger man. Attempt to curb any dramatics or resentment. Whatever small possibility there is of reconciliation after a break-up will be quickly destroyed by either. If she wants to stay friends, keep an open mind. I've stayed friends with many of my exes, and one in particular is like a sister to me. It's not necessarily something you can manage with grace while you're still hurting, but don't burn your bridges.

And...you know. I'm sorry that this is happening. I know that feel, bro. We have all been there at one time or another. You'll be okay.

 

[The Almighty Aardvark]

There comes a time in relationships where after a certain point you get really comfortable with each other. This is not necessarily a bad thing, if you're comfortable you aren't likely to move on to anything else, but the problem lies in that same sense of comfortable. A comfortable person has no need to work at anything, other than just to maintain that level of comfort be it in a relationship or a job, etc. I think, purely my own opinion from what I'm reading, is that your girlfriend is feeling that sense of comfort as stagnation. She might be feeling that you're not trying anymore in some way or that your relationship isn't going anywhere because you're both comfortable with it.

YOU CAN FIX THIS.

Don't give up on her man, if you want her, seduce her again, take her back to square one and be the guy she felt excited to be with in the beginning. Date her like it's the first time like you don't have all that history; shake up your lives a bit. Draw her attention back to you, do whatever it takes to be the guy she fell in love with. Passion passion passion!

Save your relationship, do not go quietly into the night and for all that is holy do not let her go off into the night without you!

But if it doesn't work out and she does leave...you will KNOW that you tried everything you could.

Good luck brother.

This thread is going to be chock full of conflicting advice.

I would strongly suggest not doing what Kypsilion said. Don't try to force yourself to become the guy she wants to keep the relationship going. That is not something you can (or want to) keep up for you entire life, and at best it will just push this back until you can't handle being that person anymore. You're in a long term relationship, what you're looking for is someone who likes you for yourself, and who you like for themselves. If she feels like the relationship isn't going to continue to work for her, no amount of courtship is going to change that. And as much as I hate to say it, this sounds very much like that might be the case. I've been in her position before, and most of what she said is exactly what I would have said.

It is going to suck, but you need to pull yourself through it. Surround yourself with friends and try to keep moving on with your life. Be strong, and know that this is probably going to be very hard for her too. I have to echo a bunch the people who're saying don't beg or threaten to hurt yourself. If you do either of those and they work you'll be stuck in a relationship based on guilt.

As little as internet sympathy matters, I'm sorry that this is happening to you. Whatever may come of it, there's nothing you can do right now, keep that in mind and just try to relax as much as you can

 

[Images]

Been there man. The drifting away thing is kind of their way to let you down gently. Doesn't work, usually makes you panic and act even more irrational and needy because you feel you need to prove it wrong. Any grand gestures look lame. I think if I had any advice to my past self it would actually to be to ignore the romantic side and target her sex drive.

I know. It sounds retarded as a badger on roller skates (I even think I sound stupid) but seriously, hear me out.

If you know what her dirtiest filthiest fantasy, do it. And I mean WHATEVER it is.

Sounds nuts but it may just be she misses the intense carnality of first meeting. Romance stuff is good for reminding a person why they love you. Dynamic, intense, exciting sex reminds them why they WANT you.

Worth a shot...