I think I'm about to be dumped.

[Squilookle]

UPDATE: To see what happened next, see page 4, post 109

part 3 is on Page 5, post 166.

Part 4, the Big Trip, is page 6, 181.
____________________________________________________________________

After nearly four years of what I thought was a loving, caring and genuinely happy relationship, my girlfriend said 3 days ago that she loves me, but she doesn't know if she's in love with me.

Wow.

She tells me, somewhat out of the blue, that lately she's been feeling like she's drifing away from me, that our relationship seems based on convenience, and that it isn't going anywhere.

The thing is though, that as far as relationships go, we've had it pretty good: we see each other often, get on well with each others' families, we're openly affectionate with each other (in public, after nearly 4 years!!), have sex frequently, and hardly ever fight. And when we do fight, we listen to and respect each other's point of view.

She tells me she's had phases of doubt in the past that have dissapated, but this one is more solid.

A few weeks ago she was chatting casually to her boss about us, when he abruptly told her it wouldn't last. She's also been catching up with a friend of hers more recently, and he's just come out of a long, stable relationship. I'm worried that she's hearing so many tales of woe about other's relationships that she thinks the same must apply to us, and I'm scared. I'm really, really scared.

I asked her if I had (or hadn't) done anything to make her feel this way and she said no. I told her to think about it, and now I'm going over to her place tomorrow, and I just can't shake this feeling of impending doom.

TLR Has anyone, especially guys, had this sense of 'about to break up' doom too? And is there any way to prepare for it or make it easier?

 

[bluepilot]

I am really sorry to hear about this. It is going to hurt. Now would be a good time to surround yourself with awesome friends, food, stuff and do that thing that you have always planned to do but never got around to.

The pain and emptiness will go away after some time.

At the end of the day, we all deserve to be with somebody who wants us

 

[Colour Scientist]

The main thing is to try to be calm about it, don't freak out. Listen to her explain and respect her feelings. Don't freak out or beg or anything. Obviously, there're going to be tears and questions but try not to lose it, okay?

You haven't done anything wrong so there's nothing you can change or fix, she just doesn't have the same feelings for you anymore. I assume you're fairly young (twenties) and it's just the passage of time that has changed her feelings. What you describe as being a good solid relationship can often be too comfortable or monotonous for people our age, there's no surprise or nothing new.

If it is over, just give her the space she's looking for. Who knows, she may decide that she's made a mistake. She might not but she'll only figure that out with space.

I'm sorry though, it's always a shitty experience.

 

[Vault101]

snip.

yeah this, there doesnt seem to be much you can do

(is your avatar from blackbooks?)

 

[Dave In A Cape]

-snip-

Unfortunately I was pretty much in this exact situation as recently as last week.

Yes it does seem like this is going to end, and I honestly can't express just how sorry I am for you because I'm currently going through the pain of a breakup and there is no doubt that this is going to hurt like hell.
There is nothing you can really do to make it easier on yourself, you love someone and have loved them for a long time and when they walk out your life you are going to feel like there is a big part of you missing.

As for her maybe being influenced by other peoples relationship woes, I think if she uses this as a reason why she wants to leave, don't believe her. If she really felt that way she wouldn't be in any relationship ever. In my experience women just try to use excuses like these to soften the blow of the fact that there is probably someone else. (not all women are like this, but from my experiences this is pretty much the exact reason)

All I can say to you is that you are certainly not alone in this and if things do end up ending and you need a chat, you can always talk to me since I know exactly what you'll be going through.

Best of luck.

 

[Smeatza]

As long as you come out the other side with your pride intact then all is well.

Stiff upper lip and all that.

 

[StriderShinryu]

I know it probably doesn't help, but I think it's important to bear in mind that the vast number of relationships that anyone has don't last. Look happily on the time you had together and try to accept that, especially if you start seeing eachother at a young age, sometimes you're just going to grow apart.

Talk, listen and try to understand her point of view. But, of course, know that when there's feelings involved, it's not always going to make sense. If she's not happy, for whatever reason, then there may not be anything you can do about it. Her feelings aren't always going to mirror yours even if it does appear that you've existed in the same situation for years now.

Oh, and cake. Cake always helps.

Capcha: Describe this brand with any word(s): Coors
Yes, Capcha, I suppose beer works too.

 

[Comocat]

I'd advise staying off facebook or whatever for awhile. Passive aggressive status messages dont do much except make you look foolish. I know it sucks now, but most of the time these things work out for the best.

Out of curiosity are you two graduating from college or anything like that? People tend to go bugfuck crazy at events like that.

 

[Calibanbutcher]

After nearly four years of what I thought was a loving, caring and genuinely happy relationship, my girlfriend said 3 days ago that she loves me, but she doesn't know if she's in love with me.

Wow.

She tells me, somewhat out of the blue, that lately she's been feeling like she's drifing away from me, that our relationship seems based on convenience, and that it isn't going anywhere.

The thing is though, that as far as relationships go, we've had it pretty good: we see each other often, get on well with each others' families, we're openly affectionate with each other (in public, after nearly 4 years!!), have sex frequently, and hardly ever fight. And when we do fight, we listen to and respect each other's point of view.

She tells me she's had phases of doubt in the past that have dissapated, but this one is more solid.

A few weeks ago she was chatting casually to her boss about us, when he abruptly told her it wouldn't last. She's also been catching up with a friend of hers more recently, and he's just come out of a long, stable relationship. I'm worried that she's hearing so many tales of woe about other's relationships that she thinks the same must apply to us, and I'm scared. I'm really, really scared.

I asked her if I had (or hadn't) done anything to make her feel this way and she said no. I told her to think about it, and now I'm going over to her place tomorrow, and I just can't shake this feeling of impending doom.

TLR Has anyone, especially guys, had this sense of 'about to break up' doom too? And is there any way to prepare for it or make it easier?

To make it easier:
Approach her upfront and talk to her:
"[ Insert "this is how I feel about you ]",
"[ This is how I view our relationship ] ",
"[This is what I think about a future with you ]"
"Do you want to break up?"

No excuses, no BS, just be direct and for fuck's sake, be honest.

I find this to be much easier than waiting for her to make up her mind.

 

[Squilookle]

Thanks for the kind words so far, everyone- they're already helping. I will let you all know how it plays out.

I'm worried that she's hearing so many tales of woe about other's relationships that she thinks the same must apply to us, and I'm scared. I'm really, really scared.

The way I'd see it, it doesn't reflect well on you to assume that her concerns are not genuine, that she's willing to throw a good thing away just because of what she's hearing other people say. Especially when she has given you reasons that she's uncertain that have nothing to do with these other people. But, if that is the case, aren't you better off without her? I know I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who was that easy to influence, who I couldn't trust to make up her own mind about what she wants.

When I say 'worried'- I don't mean it's my assumption necessarily- it's more my wild worst-case-scenario fears. As for her being easily influenced, she's been on the pill much of our relationship, which has affected her emotionally. We jointly decided to switch to condoms this year to see if it helped, and this new outlook on our relationship could either be completely real or mistaken for a clear feeling because she's free of any effects of the pill. I realise this is highly unlikely and I almost certainly don't know what I'm talking about, but... I'm frightened. I'm searching for reasons in places they may not even be.

Out of curiosity are you two graduating from college or anything like that? People tend to go bugfuck crazy at events like that.

Not quite- I'm 27, she's 22. She's just graduated from Uni and is taking a year off study, as her thesis writing was very stressful for her last year, as she had a horrible supervisor.

Do you think her graduating might have something to do with it? She's considering returning to uni next year for a Dip Ed.

 

[krazykidd]

After nearly four years of what I thought was a loving, caring and genuinely happy relationship, my girlfriend said 3 days ago that she loves me, but she doesn't know if she's in love with me.

Wow.

She tells me, somewhat out of the blue, that lately she's been feeling like she's drifing away from me, that our relationship seems based on convenience, and that it isn't going anywhere.

The thing is though, that as far as relationships go, we've had it pretty good: we see each other often, get on well with each others' families, we're openly affectionate with each other (in public, after nearly 4 years!!), have sex frequently, and hardly ever fight. And when we do fight, we listen to and respect each other's point of view.

She tells me she's had phases of doubt in the past that have dissapated, but this one is more solid.

A few weeks ago she was chatting casually to her boss about us, when he abruptly told her it wouldn't last. She's also been catching up with a friend of hers more recently, and he's just come out of a long, stable relationship. I'm worried that she's hearing so many tales of woe about other's relationships that she thinks the same must apply to us, and I'm scared. I'm really, really scared.

I asked her if I had (or hadn't) done anything to make her feel this way and she said no. I told her to think about it, and now I'm going over to her place tomorrow, and I just can't shake this feeling of impending doom.

TLR Has anyone, especially guys, had this sense of 'about to break up' doom too? And is there any way to prepare for it or make it easier?

To make it easier:
Approach her upfront and talk to her:
"[ Insert "this is how I feel about you ]",
"[ This is how I view our relationship ] ",
"[This is what I think about a future with you ]"
"Do you want to break up?"

No excuses, no BS, just be direct and for fuck's sake, be honest.

I find this to be much easier than waiting for her to make up her mind.

This ,good lord do what this man says .

Walk in , say what this man told you to say . Wait for the response . If all goes well you hug her and everything is fine. If not , you hug her , and leave with your head up high likr a boss . Then when you get far enough and no one is around you , let it all out .

 

[dls182]

Two weeks ago, my girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me. I sort of knew it was coming for a couple of days, but there's not much that can prepare you for the actual talk. I've taken it pretty well, I must say, but I think that's as a result of one thing - talking. We spoke for hours about why we were breaking up; what we wanted in the future, the present and life in general and how we felt about each other. We were still in love, but it was becoming more obvious as time went on that we were not aiming for the same goals.

No matter how a break-up pans out, they suck balls. It's impossible to feel good about a break-up. It is, however, possible to feel that it was the right thing to do. If the two of you can sit down and just talk about how you both feel, what you both want from the relationship, and what you both want for the future, it will become increasingly clear which way you should go.

Short version, just talk to her. That is really all that can be done. Hopefully that helps in some way

 

[Mylinkay Asdara]

It might pass. I've been there - on her end - where you start questioning where you are, where you're going, if the people with you now will fit then. Sometimes it just passes, and I don't know a woman who hasn't been there in a long term situation. I honestly think this is why they invented marriage. Men are unfaithful in body, but women tend to be unfaithful in their heads or their hearts, but often times very little comes of it but a rough patch. She's put time into you, that's not something we walk away from lightly - IF we aren't pushed. If pushed, most times it results in a walk in my experience. Part of this whole dance is asking someone for a push one way or another. Good luck to you, I hope you both find the happiness you seek.

 

[kyuzo3567]

Snip

Snip

Snip

I definitely agree with these two, that is the best way to go about it. The biggest problem I can foresee is if she decides to say something like "I don't know/I'm not sure yet" ...lines like that can make it very awkward for a relationship but my advice if she says that is to end it yourself and leave. If she ends up being hesitant like that then I think you're better off ending it.

As for advice, when my ex broke up with me after ~3 1/2 years, I managed to keep it composed till I made it home, let it all out in my room and promptly proceeded to have a gaming marathon to distract myself. I played games I loved and have beaten many times before, it gave my something somewhat physical to do while my mind kind of turned off and processed what had happened. When I finished my little marathon I was pretty well over the break-up (not to say I wasn't feeling sad about the whole thing still, but it wasn't as debilitating as it was initially to me)

I wish you all the best with this, good luck and no matter what happens keep your head up high!

 

[The White Hunter]

TLR Has anyone, especially guys, had this sense of 'about to break up' doom too? And is there any way to prepare for it or make it easier?

Have it right now dude under similar circumstances but with different causes.

4 years of relative simplicity and a near abscence of conflict and it's all kind of going to hell really fast and it kinda sucks. Though there's a bit more to it than that and external factors apply I'm not here to whine about my own life.

The best advice I can give you is that these things happen, try mourn the loss of it in advance to lessen the impact or something if it does happen, but it may not, it could just be a phase that will pass. If it happens it happens and it's gonna suck but you'll get through and eventually move on.

Maybe try and ignore that feeling of doom and don't let it negatively impact your relationship and just hope for the best.

I hope it works out for you dude. If it doesn't, such is life and I'm sure your friends and good old mr jimothy beam will be there for you.

 

[The White Hunter]

snip.

yeah this, there doesnt seem to be much you can do

(is your avatar from blackbooks?)

Funny how scrolling through this thread I zoned in on the word "blackbooks". That show is absolutely amazing and I really wish there'd been another season. I mean, why did C4 cancel something so genius and surreal as black books but keep... Peep Show... ._______. Yeah... priorities.....

 

[FFP2]

Approach her upfront and talk to her:
"[ Insert "this is how I feel about you ]",
"[ This is how I view our relationship ] ",
"[This is what I think about a future with you ]"
"Do you want to break up?"

Pretty much this. I doubt that it's your fault, IF there even is a problem.

Not much else you can do except support her. 4 years is quite long and she may just need a little space.

Did you stop doing certain things with her? Try and remember the things that you did for her when you first started dating. "Bring back the magic" in a sense.

Best of luck to you fam, just keep your head up high no matter what happens