wolfister said:
Guys and girls of the escapist have you ever gotten this line from someone you really wanted to date or get together with? If so I would like to hear your experience mainly because I am trying to understand why this line seems to be so bloody common.
My personal experience happened about a year ago all through high school I had known this girl she was kind of nerdy but really awesome. We did everything together we loved the same kinds of games, music, movies etc. and well during the friendship I had really started to develop feelings for her but she was with a guy who in all definitions was a total douche. So I back off stay the close friend until finally she wakes up and dumps the asshole. Well I console her like a good friend and about 2 months pass and I finally get up the nerve to ask her out, this is where one of the biggest mind fucks that i can remember happens to me, she says to me and i quote "Oh you are so nice and I would totally date a guy like you but I consider you a really good friend".
Now I quietly backed off and went to think about that one because it just does not make sense to me. I mean if she would date a guy like me then um why not just date me? Please Escapist do your thing and post your experience and thoughts on this I would love to hear them.
Lemme break it down for you:
She finds your personality, intellect, similar tastes, ect. to all be awesome. You're nice, you're fun to be around, but she doesn't like you romantically? Why?
She doesn't find you physically attractive. Sorry, mate.
It's not a mindfuck, it's not some great mystery, it's the dividing line between wanting to "do everything together with" and "wanting to date" someone. The major dividing line between friendship and romance is whether you want to be physically involved with someone. A boyfriend/girlfriend deal without intimacy is not substantially different from simply being good friends. We all know this kind of instinctively, too, which is why we don't think twice about not wanting to date any of our same-gendered (for the heterosexuals) or opposite-gendered (for the homosexuals) friends: we don't find them physically attractive.
What "I would totally date a guy like you" really means is "I would totally date a guy like you who I also wanted to sleep with". Same with all the other phrases like that. Just append "who I also want to sleep with" to the end of it, and you'll understand why she may like you, but won't date you: "why can't I find a nice guy... Who I also want to sleep with?", ect.
You have two choices. Either the friendship was always worth it, so you accept that she doesn't find you attractive, and doesn't want to ride your baloney pony; so you remain friends and you don't let it be awkward. Or you decide the friendship was only worth it because you were biding your time, and thought you had a shot, and it isn't worth it to be around a girl who'll never date you; so you'll make it awkward, and not be friends anymore.
If you follow the latter path, though, you're the douchebag.
mrpenguinismyhomeboy said:
Welcome to...
THE FRIEND ZONE!
Dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnn
Your shit out of luck now.
Eh... I think the friend zone is more about us rejected, dejected, and "hurt" guys wanting to feel like we had more control over the situation than we did. We don't want it to be "well, she just didn't like you because she didn't find you attractive as a boyfriend", we have to have either done something "wrong" or done something "right" (but which she's too stupid to appreciate).
So, we make this narrative where if we hadn't been her friend, we'd have had a better shot, we make up this godawful crap about "jerks all get the girls, so it must just be about being confident, swaggering, and not letting her get the milk (being supportive, kind, compassionate) without buying the cow (sleeping with us)". One way or another, we have to have the result be something we caused (we self-important tossers, we).
It tends to follow a usual pattern. First few times, the narrative is "she doesn't want to ruin the friendship, no big deal, it makes sense, if we break up it might be awkward" this eventually transforms into "well, that means I shouldn't form friendships like that if I want to date the girl, I need to hold off on supportiveness a little, make her recognize just how much she wants me" which turns into "stupid bitches, I'm such a nice guy, why can't they see I'm better for them? I'll have to be a manipulative jerk like the boys she dates". Then the guy turns into a douchebag for a few years.
Here's the deal: there's no such thing as the "friend zone".
If you were her friend in the first place, the fact that she declined to date/sleep with you doesn't matter, since the friendship is what was important to you. Dating would have been a bonus.
If you were just using being friends as a bridge to try to be in a relationship, you deserve to be rejected. And you were never friends with her in the first place.
The reason jerks get girls is because they're generally more attractive, that's how it works. We're second-best, so we try harder.
Souplex said:
Basically what she's saying is she likes you, but the thought of you naked fills her with a deep revulsion.
This is exactly what I'm saying. It's that she likes who you are, just not the concept of making sweet, sweet, awkward, nerdy, love to you.
