I think we should break up.

[Terramax]

I was going out with a New Zealander (Kiwi) for a short while. She fell head over heels over me as I was the first guy she met that wasn't trying to get down her pants every 5 seconds (at the time, I was a virgin, and I really wasn't trying to bed her. I was more interested in cuddles, and romantic stuff like that).

A bit of a back story, on the first night I met her, I found out she was actually a professional model! Therefore, having serious self-esteem issues at the time, I didn't bother chasing after her, even though the signs showed she was clearly interested in me. I never thought I was good enough for her.

Instead, I chased after a South Korean women. But, after a single date, which went horribly, we decided to just be friends, and I soon started going out with the Kiwi girl.

Around this time, I actually took a 2-week trip to Japan. I immediately fell in love with the country and decided that's where I wanted to live in the future.

Upon returning to New Zealand to be with her, things deteriorated. The GF was pissed that I still spoke to the South Korean girl, as a friend, and we had the odd miss-communication too. However, as time went by, I quickly decided that Japan was my future and I didn't want to waste my time in NZ, a country which I REALLY didn't like. It was like a miniature England. Therefore, I told the GF that I was returning to England to save the money for Japan. She didn't take it well.

The whole week before I left the country, she was incredibly hot and cold. One minute very loving towards me, the next a complete *****, usually by giving me the silent treatment.

On the day I left the country, she refused to even get out of bed to say goodbye to me. That really cut deep.

It took me a long time to get over her. I spent almost 2 years in the UK saving the money for Japan, much of the time wondering if I'd made the right decision to leave a wonderful GF. Even when I did finally live in Japan, I sometimes wondered if I'd have been better off.

Thankfully, I've got an absolutely amazing GF now, whom I relate to even more than the Kiwi, and I couldn't care less about her, seeing as she was a complete arse to me sometimes.

All I can say is, in time, you will stop feeling shitty about things. You even come to realise you're not as much at fault with things as you were once lead to believe.

Well, my last girlfriend died, so that kinda sucked.

Sorry to hear that dude. Indeed, no worse way for things to go than that

 

[krazykidd]

I do it via text message. Crisis averted . Actually now that i think about it , no one ever broke up with me, i'm usually the one that get's bored first . Funny thing is , more often than not , my ex-girlfriends still want to see me for sex and hey , i'm not saying no to free sex. Yes i know i'm a terrible person , at least i'm honest.

 

[ERaptor]

It's all good now though. Now I know how strong I am I know nothing is going to beat me.

Im happy for you. Dont ever let stuff like that happen again, if someone really likes you, he wouldnt pull stuff like that. Also, to add to the "strength" thing. People who bark the loudest usually become really insecure if they meet resistance. So, the sooner you show a douche like him that you wont take his sh*t, the sooner he will stop.

-snip-

Wow, i feel sorry for you man. But to be honest, i think your "friend" is an asshole. Even disregarding shes your ex, the "third wheel" thing is something you _NEVER_ do. Even if there isnt anything between the person youre banging and the other person visiting, it's just a mean thing to do overall. It's also the reason i dont go to such "parties" anymore. Anything involving an uneven number of boys and girls usually ends up in Couples hanging around everywhere, while i get horribly drunk. Jokes on them tough, nothing kills the mood faster than a 20 year old drunk singing "We're not gonna take it!" outside, while you are trying to get it on.

 

[Creator002]

My girlfriend of 11 months broke up with me multiple time. Twice in 2007 (year we met) and the final time in 2008. She was incredibly emotionally unstable with depression and anxiety and she self-harmed. She was also being molested by her father, which I didn't know about until months after we broke up.
It was tough for me because I cared about her a lot and the fact she did it over MSN Messenger and didn't even give me the satisfaction of an explanation made it all the worse. To this day, I don't even know why she did it, but I think I can assume that it was a combination of the above. I was in a massive depression for months, but at the time, I was a pretty hard-core Christian and I think that kind of gave me a bit of motivation to get past it, though due to the negativity of my thought processes, it made me question a lot of things in the church. Especially the members of the youth and the leaders of that group. I can expand if someone wants, but I'll just say for now that teenagers and Christianity don't tend to mix well in my experience.

She asked if we could get back together sometime in 2009, but I was way over her by then and flat out said no.
In any case, the breakup has made me a better person in the long run. I have way more confidence in recent years than I've ever had,[footnote]And I have a stutter which impacts negatively on self-esteem in most people.[/footnote] I have my life heading in a specific direction and I'm generally happy with my life. I haven't had a girlfriend since and I haven't been actively looking because, at the moment, I couldn't care less if I ever got another. I guess I got dealt a lucky straw for outlooks on life.

 

[ERaptor]

I can see both sides of this. On the one hand having a zero tolerance policy on cheating seems a little harsh but as long as you were clear with her about it before this happened she's got no one to blame but herself. On the other hand I understand how you reacted to all the pressure. I can't say from a relationship standpoint, but sometimes people just need to be left alone. When my dad loses his shit over something I just need to walk away because I can't take his anger (of course he thinks I'm ingoring so he follows me and tries to bait me and shit). My little brother is kinda grouchy so he clams up for most of the day. We talk when he wants to talk. I certainly don't blame you for losing your sh*t. It doesn't make you a bad boyfriend, but the two of you obviously weren't right for each other.

Im actually very glad you understand, i usually get a lot of sh*t for this stance. But as you guessed, i establish the "trust" rule at the beginning of the relationsship. Being cheated on hurts me a lot, and destroys any trust i might ahve had for the person. Truth be told, if i _wanted_ i could have forgiven her and continued the relationsship. But to me, it would've just been sex on a regular basis with a Girl i dont really care about anymore. And that's something i will not do to a Girl, ever. I'd rather call my old buddy porn and his best friend handy than inviting Mr. Douchebag.

 

[Vern5]

The first girlfriend I had... she was a blast. I don't exactly remember how serious our relationship was but we were in one of those things that wasn't just sex. She would actually would take care of me (mostly cooking) in a way that was practically domestic. Not the sort of thing you expect when you're 19 and just getting into your college life. Sadly, I was young and I lacked perspective. I broke up with her because I had this niggling doubt that, while she was great, there might be something better waiting for me in the future.

It took me two attempts to actually break up with her. The first time only resulted in hot makeup sex. The second time resulted in her throwing a stapler at me, which put her in the "Crazy ex-girlfriend" category. Little did I know that the throwing of staplers was hardly crazy in comparison to my second relationship.

A few months after my first breakup, I meet a girl at a party and we hit it off. This was probably helped along by me being completely shitfaced at the time but that's college for you. We ended up together and coupled up for about 2 years. But those two years brought many changes to both of us. She stopped drinking whereas I built up a formidable alcohol tolerance. She gave up meat whereas I started getting into complex cooking. The result of her not drinking ended up alienating a few of her friends (she was a real party girl back in the day) and her stress levels began to skyrocket.

I'm still not sure whether I had a hand in her changes in demeanor or if I was just along for the ride. All I know is that our relationship was over once she started calling me a "Whore-Collector" because I was talking to an old female friend of mine. Also, she sliced one of her wrists open right in front of me. We had just watched "It's Kind of a Funny Story" (stupid but optimistic film). She must not have liked the movie because I remember her saying "That movie made me feel like this" right before she slid a knife across her wrist. After panicking and a little first aid, I waited a few days before bowing out.

This is around the time I stopped dating, per se.

 

[freaper]

I can see both sides of this. On the one hand having a zero tolerance policy on cheating seems a little harsh but as long as you were clear with her about it before this happened she's got no one to blame but herself. On the other hand I understand how you reacted to all the pressure. I can't say from a relationship standpoint, but sometimes people just need to be left alone. When my dad loses his shit over something I just need to walk away because I can't take his anger (of course he thinks I'm ingoring so he follows me and tries to bait me and shit). My little brother is kinda grouchy so he clams up for most of the day. We talk when he wants to talk. I certainly don't blame you for losing your sh*t. It doesn't make you a bad boyfriend, but the two of you obviously weren't right for each other.

Im actually very glad you understand, i usually get a lot of sh*t for this stance. But as you guessed, i establish the "trust" rule at the beginning of the relationsship. Being cheated on hurts me a lot, and destroys any trust i might ahve had for the person. Truth be told, if i _wanted_ i could have forgiven her and continued the relationsship. But to me, it would've just been sex on a regular basis with a Girl i dont really care about anymore. And that's something i will not do to a Girl, ever. I'd rather call my old buddy porn and his best friend handy than inviting Mr. Douchebag.

I just wanted to tell you that I _love_ your method of emphasizing words

And I'm sympathetic to your cause.

 

[drummond13]

High school, huh?

Don't worry. The day will come later when you look back and realize how little all of this meant. Odd how it feels so critical at the time...

 

[windlenot]

I'm in an interesting boat with this one... I'm in a relationship I'm not particularly happy with. It's existed for 3 years now, but being at college away kind of made me more apathetic towards the relationship as opposed to being upset by it. I'm stuck between attempting to break up or not, as the girl is a depressive who doesn't have that many friends and I stand to be one of the very, VERY few. I don't break up for fear she'll do something terrible to herself, but I am trapped in a relationship based on guilt.

I should really end it, but I haven't the foggiest idea how and when...

 

[Evil Smurf]

My ex and I broke up amicably, it just fell apart. We are still good friends which I'm pleased at.

 

[suitepee7]

When I was at the dance, I saw her there, which really made my head spin. I wasn't angry or anything. When she saw me she turned away awkwardly, like she expected that I would not have been there. I went on as if she wasn't there. I had cried for a while, and my day was already shitty, I wasn't going to let it get worse. So I decided to go hang out with a girl I like (Another reason I broke up with her. I felt so bad getting close to a girl who I like a whole lot more than I ever liked her. Again, I know I'm a shitty person.) But were just friends, she doesn't know I like her, no one does, and I don't plan on persuing a relationship until I get less mucked up from this, but I wasn't trying to make my exgirlfriend(? I guess that's what she'd be called in this situation) jeleaous, I was acting like she wasn't there, because if I acted like she was, all I would do is be depressed. I'd compair it to sort of drinking to forget or something like that.

that sounds kinda like what happened to me in a way. however, she fucking deserved it for cheating on me, with 6 people, in 1 night, then seemed offended i wouldn't take her back. anyway, she came up to me a bit after i was talking to a girl who i liked, knew she liked me, and we ended up going out for well over a year shortly afterwards, and the ex asked me for a dance. important note, after talking to this girl me and a few friends went out and had our first experience of a certain plant, so i came back in, and like i said she asked me for a dance. i gave a short "ha! no...." and walked off. i was pretty out of it anyway, but she has never tried speaking to me since.

but yeah, the aftermath of that was i ended up being with a much better - in terms of 'for me' and in general - girl for a decent amount of time

 

[Mersadeon]

I once broke up, and was broken up with once. Both were the same girl.

So, we had a long distance relationship - about 4 hours from each other. We were young - she didn't have the money to visit me, and I barely had it. So after a few months with about 3 visits, I broke up - because back then, I was an idiot. I thought she could find someone over there, and I could find someone here, and everyone would be happier. Boy was I wrong. So I called a good friend to ask how people break up. I was a social recluse back then, so I didn't know it. And thank god that my friend told me the right thing - that I should be honest, do it right now, and let her have the emotions she has. I did that. She didn't understand why I broke up, but she accepted it.

Well, we got back together. That's a long story, so let's skip to next the-breaking-up-bit.
After about 2 years in that relationship, it seemed obvious that once I finished my Abitur I would move closer to her and pick a university there. But... then, my three best friends approached me. They wanted to all live together. And they wanted to invite me, too.
I was dumbstruck. What should I do? Give up love, to live with my best friends, close to home, close to the support network of people I can trust? But that would mean going back on my promises. There were a lot of reasons on both sides, I won't bore you with the details. In the end, I decided to stick with my original plan and move closer to her - but this ordeal had put a huge strain on the relationship.

And right when I was writing to the universities, looking at prices for apartments and looking at the legal stuff, she stopped talking to me. Not completely, mind you. Whenever I wrote a two-part message, with one part asking if she has time for a Skype call at one point and the other being lovey-dovey icky stuff, she would only respond to the first part, and always say that she didn't have time that day. This was unusual - we normally skyped almost every evening. From calls and messages I could figure out she was watching all seasons of Doctor Who with a friend, who she had defended in a discussion earlier that month despite that not being her normal opinion. A picture began to form. (And yes, I know that isn't all that much and wouldn't have to mean anything, but I was always able to tell what she feels and thinks very quickly - something I unfortunately can't with anyone else.)

So, I called her and told her we had to talk. That demand was non-negotiable. In a nervous voice, she asked "why are you making such a fuzz? Is something wrong?" - I just replied that she would hear that during that talk and hung up.

We talked. She had fallen for him. He wasn't interested in her, but she thought that having a crush on someone means her relationship with me can't be "the one true love" (something a friend of her had gotten into her), so she wanted to break up. I told her that if she does this, it's final. It's over. No coming back. She broke up.

Two weeks later, I got the first SMS proclaiming regret.

 

[Mersadeon]

I don't understand why people doing the breaking up claim it was painful for them. Maybe I let the resentment fester for too long, or maybe I lack some basic form of empathy, but I've never felt bad about initiating a break up.

I guess this really depends on the relationship. I personally hated breaking up and was in a lot of pain because of it: even though I didn't want to be with her anymore (wait, why is the spellchecker underlining "anymore" - is that not a real word?), I still loved her as a friend and couldn't stand to hurt her feelings.

 

[SonOfVoorhees]

I'm in an interesting boat with this one... I'm in a relationship I'm not particularly happy with. It's existed for 3 years now, but being at college away kind of made me more apathetic towards the relationship as opposed to being upset by it. I'm stuck between attempting to break up or not, as the girl is a depressive who doesn't have that many friends and I stand to be one of the very, VERY few. I don't break up for fear she'll do something terrible to herself, but I am trapped in a relationship based on guilt.

I should really end it, but I haven't the foggiest idea how and when...

Better off breaking up with her, you cant be held accountable if she does something to herself. An you are just going to grow resentful and hateful towards her as the years go on. Eventually you will end it and you will do so in a nasty way. If the relationship isnt working then it would be better for you both in the long term. You seemed to still want to be friends still so i think you just need to work out the best way to end it. An that it doesnt mean your friendship will change.

 

[MASTACHIEFPWN]

High school, huh?

My identity has been forseen, now I must run off into the Norwegian night!

 

[drummond13]

High school, huh?

My identity has been forseen, now I must run off into the Norwegian night!

No need for that. We've all been there, believe me.

 

[Falcon123]

Just broke up with a woman I had dated for 3.5 years (5 on and off) who I loved very much (and probably always will, to some extent). It's a horrible story on this one: her dad died when she was only 2, and her older sister ran away from home to become some big drug lord, so she never really had a stable home life. Her first boyfriend was mentally abusive, and combining that with no notable father figure made her someone who defined herself by her sex appeal because that seemed to be the only value she had in her own mind. I was the first guy who ever cared about her without that kind of stuff, which is why things worked...until she went off to a different college than I did, at which point she immediately asked for an open relationship.

Usually, this would be my cue to exit, but she was raped her first week on campus, and she turned to me for help. Still loving her and feeling an overwhelming amount of pity, I ran to her for the weekend and we re-established our relationship. But she was never the same. Over the next year and a half, she sank further and further into horrible drug habits, pushing everyone who was smart enough to get out (i.e. not me) away. She was raped several more times as she kept putting herself in horribly dangerous situations as she stopped caring about herself, and she eventually cheated on me repeatedly. I stayed because I thought that her response to being raped was understandable (not acceptable, but understandable), and I wanted to help her get better. I spent the summer paying for her therapy and trying to build her up so that she'd be ok.

You've probably already guessed the punchline by now: she went right back to the awful, self-destructive habits that she had all of last year, and ended up in another man's bed again before I finally had the strength to cut it off. It's an obviously sucky situation, but to everyone involved's credit, there hasn't been any anger or animosity sent my way by anyone. Even her mom understood why I needed to take care of myself after having given so much of myself to a relationship that never had a real hope in working out.

That said, she's now gone full blown suicidal to the point where I'm getting messages from her friends begging me to call just so she doesn't put a gun to her head. Given I still care about her, having to be cold and distance myself really sucks. But at some point, you have to let someone go and accept that you can't save them, no matter how much you want to.

 

[Falcon123]

I'm in an interesting boat with this one... I'm in a relationship I'm not particularly happy with. It's existed for 3 years now, but being at college away kind of made me more apathetic towards the relationship as opposed to being upset by it. I'm stuck between attempting to break up or not, as the girl is a depressive who doesn't have that many friends and I stand to be one of the very, VERY few. I don't break up for fear she'll do something terrible to herself, but I am trapped in a relationship based on guilt.

I should really end it, but I haven't the foggiest idea how and when...

I know you didn't technically ask for advice, but since you posted this on an internet forum and I can relate to how you're feeling, I'm going to give some anyway (though you may feel free to ignore it )

The answer you're looking for is: "As soon as possible". Being in a relationship with someone who's depressed all the time is one thing, but when you're only in it because you feel guilty, staying just weighs down on your soul. I know it's difficult, but you have to accept that her problems are not your fault, and she's not your responsibility. If you've given the relationship everything you can and it hasn't helped her, it's time to walk away. Because you won't be able to grow as a person if you're constantly being weighed down by a relationship that you don't get joy out of anymore, and she won't grow if she can always just fall back on you whenever things get difficult.

If I've learned anything over the 3.5 year mess that was my first relationship, it's that for a healthy relationship to exist, you need two independent people who are capable of living their own lives happily so that they each have something to share with the other. When only one person is able to put in the effort to make it work, it won't work. And you're not doing her or yourself any favours by staying.

Best of luck, man.

 

[Ursus Buckler]

I traveled about 50 miles to break up with my girlfriend of three months in person and she chased me down the train platform.

 

[DasDestroyer]

snip

Wait, she cried a few times because she had to go to a dance with her boyfriend and you're the one who ended up being at fault?

My only breakup wasn't anything special. We started dating shortly before I had to move halfway across the earth, which in retrospect wasn't the greatest idea, and eventually we both decided that our long-distance relationship wasn't working and we agreed to break up.