"I'm already dating somebody else."

[Zer_]

This isn't a post about my love life. In fact it's a post about many people's love lives. I won't copy paste my blog so I'll direct you to it.

Read my latest entry. [http://breeuurph.blogspot.com/]

After reading it I'd like to know your take on the subject matter.

 

[Larenxis]

Well, I'm just not attracted to anyone else. I can consider someone good looking or charming, but any romantic thoughts are stopped immediately because I already have a superior specimen. I know nobody else is going to make me happier. I expect him to be faithful to me because the biggest kick I get is how we're on the same page, and if he fancied other women we just wouldn't be experiencing the same thing.

 

[Noamuth]

I didn't read the whole lot, but I believe that if it is possible to hate, really hate, more than one person, then it should be possible to love more than one person. Both emotions take such passion, so I don't see why one should apply to more than one and not the other.

That being said however, it would be a bit hard to make sure that everyone in the particular polyamory relationship is happy. But if a group could make it work and everyone was good with it, that's a beautiful thing.

However, it is a bit sad when people just do it for lots of sex, then everyone ends up hurt. That gives polyamory a bit of a stigma.

 

[jh322]

It's more complicated than that. There are issues of trust, etc, when dealing with a serious relationship. I very recently ended a four year relationship because my (now-ex) girlfreind slept with one of my friends (the skank). That's the point though, reasons for why it shouldn't happen vary from the profound and logical to the rediculously superficial, e.g. if only the two of us are sleeping together, and neither of us have AIDS, chances are neither of us will get AIDS. If one of us happens to frequent a brothel in Mozambique, then we may be in a different situation. Also, from the male point of view, we put up with the shit, buy the presents, endure the family and somebody else gets the sexy-time? Where's the justice in that?

Seriously though, when you're supposed to be "in love" with somebody, the whole point is that you consider them awesome enough for you not to need to sleep with or be intimate in that way with anyone else.

The problem here is that largely the issue is inexplicable and intangible, it's like trying to explain "yellow", you can't, but you know what it is, would recognise it, and would be pissed off if it nailed your girlfriend.

 

[theklng]

i agree with what you wrote, OP. society often imposes limits for people and people just swallow it as if it was the truth. it's not wrong to be different, it's wrong to say that one is wrong.

 

[Labyrinth]

Also, from the male point of view, we put up with the shit, buy the presents, endure the family and somebody else gets the sexy-time? Where's the justice in that?

...Excuse me? I'm sorry, but that's exceptionally sexist.

For myself, I've had relationships go either way. I know it's entirely possible to be in love with more than one person. If you choose the right kinds of people, a polygamous relationship can work really well. Other times it will fall apart. Exclusive relationships are easier to maintain than polygamous ones because they're largely cut-and-dry. The complexity and juggling act is reduced within the relationship itself.

 

[jh322]

Also, from the male point of view, we put up with the shit, buy the presents, endure the family and somebody else gets the sexy-time? Where's the justice in that?

...Excuse me? I'm sorry, but that's exceptionally sexist.

For myself, I've had relationships go either way. I know it's entirely possible to be in love with more than one person. If you choose the right kinds of people, a polygamous relationship can work really well. Other times it will fall apart. Exclusive relationships are easier to maintain than polygamous ones because they're largely cut-and-dry. The complexity and juggling act is reduced within the relationship itself.

Not only did I know I would get pulled up on that one, but I had an inkling that it would be by you. Comment was made off-hand with tongue firmly in cheek. I actually really liked her family

Try to take with a pinch of salt, I'm not really one for winding people up.

 

[Gitsnik]

Also, from the male point of view, we put up with the shit, buy the presents, endure the family and somebody else gets the sexy-time? Where's the justice in that?

...Excuse me? I'm sorry, but that's exceptionally sexist.

For myself, I've had relationships go either way. I know it's entirely possible to be in love with more than one person. If you choose the right kinds of people, a polygamous relationship can work really well. Other times it will fall apart. Exclusive relationships are easier to maintain than polygamous ones because they're largely cut-and-dry. The complexity and juggling act is reduced within the relationship itself.

Oh I don't know. A friend of mine got married on the weekend (and another got engaged so yay for him!) after a fair while. Both relationships can be culminated in the female saying (roughly) "now you've given me the ring, you're getting sex". Ok yes the quoted was being sexist, but there is a lot that goes the other way too. Most every guy I know wants something but it is held like a carrot before a mule on a wheel.

To use my own example, I had to "get rid" of a woman who told me all the time she loved me, whom I would give gifts and drop my own work to see her whenever she wanted - whom told all her friends she was completely happy, and then went off and slept with someone else.

Back On Topic:

First thing I asked myself was; Is it possible to love more then one person equally? By love I mean romantically involved in the highest sense. And I came to the conclusion that yes it is possible. Believing otherwise would be nearly insane

I'm already insane. But it's not a case of loving them equally, it's a case of loving two different people with the same sort of passion (my girlfriend and my baby sister for example, or Mobius' missus and his new child).

 

[Zer_]

It's more complicated than that. There are issues of trust, etc, when dealing with a serious relationship. I very recently ended a four year relationship because my (now-ex) girlfreind slept with one of my friends (the skank). That's the point though, reasons for why it shouldn't happen vary from the profound and logical to the rediculously superficial, e.g. if only the two of us are sleeping together, and neither of us have AIDS, chances are neither of us will get AIDS. If one of us happens to frequent a brothel in Mozambique, then we may be in a different situation. Also, from the male point of view, we put up with the shit, buy the presents, endure the family and somebody else gets the sexy-time? Where's the justice in that?

Seriously though, when you're supposed to be "in love" with somebody, the whole point is that you consider them awesome enough for you not to need to sleep with or be intimate in that way with anyone else.

The problem here is that largely the issue is inexplicable and intangible, it's like trying to explain "yellow", you can't, but you know what it is, would recognise it, and would be pissed off if it nailed your girlfriend.

If two people trust each other to begin with, then trust is not an issue anyways. Your ex-girlfriend slept with someone behind your back. The problem isn't really the slept with someone else part, it's the behind your back part. Say your girlfriend actually told you she wanted to have sex with your friend before she went off and did it. You would have either broken up with her before she did it, or said "can I join in?".

It's not always about having more sex. But let's face it, if you have a plate of food with only mashed potatoes on it, it sucks. I'd much rather have a nice roast, and some carrots and peas to go with those mashed potatoes.

That's the point though, reasons for why it shouldn't happen vary from the profound and logical to the rediculously superficial, e.g. if only the two of us are sleeping together, and neither of us have AIDS, chances are neither of us will get AIDS. If one of us happens to frequent a brothel in Mozambique, then we may be in a different situation.

Going to a social place to find yourself a mate is just about as risky, even if you do only want to find one person and one person only. Using an STD as a deterrent for love is just wrong anyways.

 

[P1p3s]

Loving someone takes some full time dedication, falling for someone doesn't. Staying in a full time, long term relationship, especially if you are married or living together takes serious effort because having someone else in your space all the time makes it far too easy to see all the things that are wrong with them.

I don't think that is sustainable with more than one person, the effort alone would kill us.

Don't get me wrong I love my hubby, we're relatively newly weds but we havent had a smooth road and there are moments in life that reaffirm everything I feel for him but I couldn't do this with another guy as well, (especially not the cooking and cleaning part!)

I would be devistated if I thought he was trying to build a relationship with someone else, I would take that to mean that I don't meet his needs, that I am not enough for him - in which case why did he bother marrying me in the first place.
While philosophically I understand your notion, and it is technically possible to feel that way about someone I believe society has developed monogomous relationships as the supposed norm for a bunch of wonderful reasons not least of them the emotional benefits for the 2 involved.

 

[Zer_]

Loving someone takes some full time dedication, falling for someone doesn't. Staying in a full time, long term relationship, especially if you are married or living together takes serious effort because having someone else in your space all the time makes it far too easy to see all the things that are wrong with them.

I don't think that is sustainable with more than one person, the effort alone would kill us.

Don't get me wrong I love my hubby, we're relatively newly weds but we havent had a smooth road and there are moments in life that reaffirm everything I feel for him but I couldn't do this with another guy as well, (especially not the cooking and cleaning part!)

I would be devistated if I thought he was trying to build a relationship with someone else, I would take that to mean that I don't meet his needs, that I am not enough for him - in which case why did he bother marrying me in the first place.
While philosophically I understand your notion, and it is technically possible to feel that way about someone I believe society has developed monogomous relationships as the supposed norm for a bunch of wonderful reasons not least of them the emotional benefits for the 2 involved.

Well I don't really think love itself does take time and effort. It's everything else that can. Also it's not the presence of a third or fourth person that will suddenly bring out your flaws or something to that effect, that's just bogus. Weather there's someone else or not doesn't change much. What you or your significant other perceives as flaws will come to the surface one way or another.

If I was to have a portion of my favorite mashed potatoes on a plate, and I add in a portion of my favorite styled roast, that doesn't mean the mashed potatoes become any less tasty.

 

[Zer_]

"First thing I asked myself was; Is it possible to love more then one person equally? By love I mean romantically involved in the highest sense. And I came to the conclusion that yes it is possible."
From a personal standpoint: No, it is not.
So I guess I'm insane. But I could never love more than one person.
I mean hell, I don't even love my family. I like some of them as human beings, but love? Platonic love isn't something I experience, romantic love I've only experienced twice in my entire life, and definitely not at the same time. Years and years apart.
That's as far as I read though, because this obviously isn't for me.

Fair enough. I do think that each person's definition of what love really is are different. Love being a subjective thing would explain the failure of science's attempts to explain it.

 

[Galletea]

To continue with your food analogy, having two partners and loving them equally would be like having an entire plateful of two of your favourite things to eat. If you spend too much time on one and not the other, one will go cold and stale. So the problem is that relationships need time and effort to be maintained and that makes it simply more practical to stick with one.

Also the idea that polygamy is wrong is just a western belief founded on Christian principles. Many cultures see men take many wives, though it is very rarely the other way around.

 

[James Cassidy]

Love is life. If you miss love, you miss life.

That is all that needs to be said.

 

[bjj hero]

You can have an open relationship, but everyone needs to be open from the start and know exactly whats happening.

Were getting to the difference between loving someone and being in love. Ive loved plenty of girls (not bragging, im just older than a lot of people here) and its great, if everyones upfront people dont get hurt. Then there is being in love (my current partner) I nolonger meet people and fall for them. I can recognise that women are attractive but Ive no interest. Ive got the good shit at home. I wouldnt want to share her with anyone (my son being the excdption) and I know she feels the same.

Have your fun but when youre with someone your in love with you wont find anyone else to fall for. If you do then shes probably not miss right, just miss right now. not that theres anything wrong with miss right now, weve got years to go, enjoy it.

 

[Legion]

Love is very subjective, from my perception of it, no, it is not at all possible.

There is also a flaw in your argument I have noticed. You say we should be able to love 2 people equally but then that's the issue. Let's have an example:

Gary has a wife called Julie, he also meets Susan, all of them are straight. So Gary has two partners who he has to keep happy, spend enough time with and look after when needed (and vice versa). So what does Julie and Susan think? Their man has 2 partners, why shouldn't they? So Julie and Susan find another man each, it's only fair after all. Then what? You then have 6 people, 3 of which have two partners. This could go on forever.

Now I know that is an extreme example, but my point is that jealousy will always be in issue, I cannot see any person logically accepting that their partner is not satisfied with them without finding someone else to equal things out.

There is also the evolution argument:

Men = many women to increase likelihood of genes passing on. Convinces woman she is the only one so he can impregnate her as often as possible.

Women = one man with superior genes and relationship formed so he looks after her and the child. Might sleep with men with even better genes if she can do so without getting caught, so she passes on genes and still has security.

Loving someone takes some full time dedication, falling for someone doesn't. Staying in a full time, long term relationship, especially if you are married or living together takes serious effort because having someone else in your space all the time makes it far too easy to see all the things that are wrong with them.

Well I don't really think love itself does take time and effort. It's everything else that can. Also it's not the presence of a third or fourth person that will suddenly bring out your flaws or something to that effect, that's just bogus. Weather there's someone else or not doesn't change much. What you or your significant other perceives as flaws will come to the surface one way or another.

I think you misread this part, I believe that she meant that living with someone, anyone for long enough can bring out their flaws and dealing with that can be hard enough. I don't believe anywhere in her paragraph she even mentioned polygamy.

 

[EeveeElectro]

I'm not in love with anyone else
I may see a good looking guy/girl, but I've always remained faithful.
I can look, but I can't touch!

 

[Daveman]

I would say that love is when you think of someone as perfect in every way to you and the idea that somebody else can fulfill that seems silly because everyones different. But then I'm clearly too picky because I pass up opportunities all the time and that just leaves me sad and lonely. Sigh.

 

[Playbahnosh]

Hmm, interesting stuff. I do think you are hiding something here, and you are trying to justify cheating. It very much sounds like the Defendant's speech at a cheater's trial. Are you cheating on someone?

On the other hand, this exclusivity comes from religion. Religion is what created this 'exclusive relationship' that is now called Marriage. It's the same exclusive relationship what they demand in the church, "you can't have any other god beside me", and it's the same "you can't have any other bf/gf beside him/her", thus: marriage.

Why, do you think, more than 70% of marriages end in divorce? Because of what you said in that blog, that love and hate can't be exclusive. But they are trying to force this exclusivity on us. Who are they? The religions/churches, the governments, the media, the...everybody. Why, do you thing, bigamy is still illegal? That's why.

On the other hand, this exclusivity has it's good sides. For one, if you find someone that you are happy with and cares for you...etc, you don't want to lose that person, and do everything to keep that person by your side. You marry that person, to prevent (or at least discourage) that person from leaving you. That's perfectly understandable, I think.

I think that people should be allowed to choose, if they want exclusivity or not.

 

[Zer_]

Thing is galletea, I think you're trying to quantify love. Love to me isn't spending time with someone. Love isn't being there when someone needs you to be. To me all those things occur because of love.

Read:
I spend time with someone because I love them.
I'm there when someone needs me because I love them.
or
I love someone because I spend time with them.
I love someone because I'm there for them.

Putting it the other way around just doesn't make sense to me. Also, bringing practicality into a discussion about love is like bringing a lit match into an ammo dump. A relationship with someone can never be perfectly practical, there are always those speed bumps.

Let's take an example of four people in a loving relationship. If there's a speed bump I think all four of them should each put in some form of effort into resolving the issue. All four of them could possibly sit down and discuss it. I will admit that the more people there are in a relationship the more complicated it can get. These four people all have to get along with each other, and they all have to trust each other, or else it just wouldn't work out.

I'm someone who thinks you can't really control your love for someone either. When you meet someone and start to discover who they are, you may or may not find yourself becoming more attracted to that person.

EDIT: Also I'm not hiding anything . I'd never cheat on anyone it's that simple. If I was in a relationship and I found someone else attractive I'd end up being up front with my mate and tell her how I feel about someone else.