Insult Swordfighting!

[Chicago Ted]

*Kicks a door down and comes out wielding a Tommy gun in one hand and a rapier in the other*

"I feel that this battle has laid dormant for far too long! Now which of you white flag waving cowards is willing to face me!?"

 

[ThrobbingEgo]

I chuck an empty tin can at Chicago Ted while screaming, "social ineptitude!"

Then I hide behind a bush.

 

[Chicago Ted]

"WHAT WAS THAT?! NO ONE IS SAFE FROM CHICAGO TED!"

*Begins firing into the bush*

 

[RavingPenguin]

*After skydiving from 4,000 feet, RavingPenguin lands on Chicago Ted's head katana first, then jumps away completely unharmed

Dear me, it seems someone may have died, but alas I have no time to mourn, for there seems to be a battle to be had. Will no one else join the fray?

 

[Crosseyes]

*Despite his tardiness to battle, Crosseyes is undeterred, and gives his over-curved scythe a swing, managing to miss every target and instead cleaving into his own vital organs*

"blub urgh guh *bloody cough* glub urk kaahhhhh!"

 

[TaborMallory]

Behold, fiends and peasants! I have joined the battle!
I fire a steel pellet the size of a marble at mach 9 from a railgun into RavingPenquin's unfortunate head.

 

[ChrisRox16]

i fart and everyone dies

 

[Spleenbag]

*Spleenbag calmly checks his nails as the flying carpet hovers down. With a bored yawn, he snaps his fingers, conjuring a jumping blue-hot inferno on his wrist.*

Seems like you need a lesson in manners, RavingPenguin. I've been told you find pleasure in toying with... err, enjoy playing with people's... oh, forget it. Killing time!

 

[TaborMallory]

http://www.japanprobe.com/wp-content/uploads/gas-mask.jpg
I have thwarted chris's evil plan.

 

[RavingPenguin]

*Fortunately RavingPenguins excellent instincts have saved him from a mortal blow.
Damn you coward, will you not fight me as a man!
*Starts hurling shuriken while charging Tabor Mallory
I shall have your head!
*leaps into the air brandishing his katana

 

[RavingPenguin]

*Spleenbag calmly checks his nails as the flying carpet hovers down. With a bored yawn, he snaps his fingers, conjuring a jumping blue-hot inferno on his wrist.*

Seems like you need a lesson in manners, RavingPenguin. I've been told you find pleasure in toying with heads?

*Leaps away from the raging inferno, and hurls a spear at Spleen
Aye, I do, and I shall have yours as well

 

[TaborMallory]

You may have a katana, but I have gauntlets of carbon steel! I catch your petty sword and toss it off a cliff as I further humiliate you by flicking frozen peas at your face.

 

[RavingPenguin]

You may have a katana, but I have gauntlets of carbon steel! I catch your petty sword and toss it off a cliff as I further humiliate you by flicking frozen peas at your face.

No! Not peas! Curse you, as you have found my kryptonite. I shall be back as soon as I have conquered my weakness.
*Dissapears in a cloud of smoke.


Echo in the distance: I will return, and you shall die.

 

[Crosseyes]

*Crosseyes' wrist and leg twitch violently, caught in the world geometry, and unpurposfully trip spleenbag, who burns his face on his hand*

"*rapid knocking noises*"

 

[TaborMallory]

Don't worry, Crosseyes! I revive you with a Pheonix Down.

...Alas, it fails, for you have Aeris Syndrome.

 

[Crosseyes]

*Crosseyes ignores the obscure Final Fantasy Reference and returns to battle, only to trip on nothing and mysteriously spawn 400 feet above tabor*

"who the hell's Aeris? Whatever, thanks anyw-whoops, AAAAAUUUGGGHHHHH!!!!!! *splat*"

*Crossyes' shadow continues to run around for a while before rejoining his body*

 

[Spleenbag]

*Spleenbag stifles both his face-fire and another yawn and snaps his fingers whilst making a finger-pistol motion. TaborMallory is set alight.*

Oh dear, you're on fire. Perhaps your penchant for pissing yourself in fear will come in handy now.

*The other hand comes up with fingers skewed and crooked. A grabbing, then releasing gesture is formed, and TaborMallory is dashed against spikes.*

Hmm.. pierced in a dozen spots and on fire? Might as well give up now, pea-fetishist.

 

[TaborMallory]

(At least ninjas can't catch me; I'm on fire.)

The battle is futile! I drink my red potion, because they cure everything.
Then I run behind cover, because waiting it out like a child cures everything too.

You have fought well, Spleenbag. I cast Dark Swarm and order the zerglings to attack!

 

[RapidCrash]

A Battle?!
I run furiously towards TaborMallory's hiding spot with a broadsword in hand, resistance is futile.

 

[TaborMallory]

...but I have gauntlets of carbon steel!

Resistance is futile. I inject myself with the Electrobolt plasmid and electrocute your sword and armor!