Is Being Too Nice to Strangers a Liability?

[Fappy]

I got conned the other day. Basically I was driving to a friend's house while talking to my girlfriend on the phone when I saw an apparently crippled man on the side of the road waving me down. He was stood next to his truck which had its caution lights on and the hood popped, so I figured his car had broken down or something. We were in a wealthy residential area and it was the middle of the afternoon, so I figured it was safe to help the guy out. I pulled over into a turn lane for a neighborhood, got off the phone and rolled down my window. The guy comes up to the window and tells me that his truck ran out of gas and that some cops were picking up gas for him at a nearby station. The problem was, apparently, that he didn't tell the cops he was flat broke and he needed money to pay them for the gas. There was also some other information about his wife and child in the car waiting (which I didn't remember seeing, but wasn't in a position to verify from inside the car) and that they'd been there for 25 minutes waiting for help.

I'm a fucking pushover when it comes to helping strangers, so I get out $20 and give it to him. I wasn't entirely sure he was being straight with me, but its the holidays and I figured it was worth the risk to potentially help someone who really needed it. He thanks me after asking if I had any water (which I didn't) and waves me off.

I make a decent living, so parting with $20 isn't devastating by any means, but the uncertainty of the whole situation continued to eat away at me for a couple days. A few hours ago I got a call from my mom who was at a neighborhood New Year's party where she learned that a man had been... you get the picture. He was pretending to be crippled (with crutches) and conning good samaritans in a wealthy neighborhood. My response to my mom was, "Thanks. I could have gone my whole life thinking I'd done something nice for someone in need."

It's not the same violating feeling you get when you're the victim of "normal" theft, but the feeling of being duped like that... it really sucks. Like, you know when you read something stupid online and think, "I have lost faith in humanity"? It's kind of like that, but with added guilt that I didn't realize how shitty people were before I let them take advantage of me. And honestly, this isn't the first time a stranger has taken advantage of me due to my friendly disposition.

Am I just an idiot to fall for something like that? I mean, the guy had crutches... that should have been a red flag, right? I suppose I should be more wary in the future, but I am kind of afraid I'll just end up turning into those assholes that divert their gaze the moment they see someone in need.

Anyone else have any experiences like this? Did you change your behavior afterwards?

 

[Zhukov]

*shrug*

With situations like that, I'll generally give money to anyone who asks.

If they're conning me or just spending it on booze or whatever then... so what? Either way as far as I'm concerned I'm effectively throwing the money away, so what happens to it afterwards isn't my concern. I don't give away amounts that I can't afford to lose.

 

[Barbas]

It happens. Maybe he was putting the money toward something good, you never know. It's just one of the many tests life brings you. A lot of people have one or more bad experiences like that and let it harden them toward other human beings - even ones they've never met - which is a sad failure to learn from life.

The lesson is just not to turn into that person. Since you're already wary of the danger and you know that's someone you don't want to become, I'd say you'll be fine so long as you remember that. Anyway, it was only twenty dollars.

 

[Lightspeaker]

No you're not an idiot, you're just a good person. Some people suck but that's not your fault and you shouldn't feel bad for trying to do the right thing.

 

[Smooth Operator]

Need to remember that people are still animals and kindness will be seen as weakness, at one point or another someone will aim to exploit it.

I haven't been duped quite to the theft level but I've had a very long history from childhood onward where I would help anyone at any time with whatever they asked. Wasn't until my late uni years that I started noticing what kind of exploitative one sided friendships that formed. And I still have trouble setting boundaries, people who notice that do seem to push for extra favor requests directed at me.

 

[DarkRawen]

To reply to the title, it can be a liability to be too nice. It's not necessarily a bad trait (normally isn't), but it can 1. result in someone taking advantage of your kindness, and 2. actually be off-putting to the stranger, although that too is more likely to end up liability to the person who is too nice to strangers.

That said, I wouldn't call you an idiot, from the situation the con seems to have looked rather solid, and there was little way for you to verify it (since you mention that you couldn't see if he had a wife and kids from where you were seated), and you couldn't exactly take his crutches to see if he really depended on them (well, you could, but then you'd be a horrible person).

And I haven't been in that kind of situation, at least not when there was something physical like money. I have helped people only for them to act really god damn ungrateful, or even go out of their way to make things harder for me, but if I have been actually conned, I haven't figured it out yet .

 

[visiblenoise]

$20 seems like a lot to give to a stranger, unless you're absolutely rolling in it. I would help someone make the bus fare, but anything more than that requires consideration that an absolute stranger just isn't worth. But I'm not very charitable with my money in general.

 

[Scarim Coral]

I had something similar althought I had given the stranger a pound or two (£). I was in Uni and some foreign guy (had an accent) asking for any spare changes cos he needed the money for the transport fare or something like that (I can't remember). Seeing how I was living in a city that has an airport and it kind of a multicutural city, I relented (well ok I was a pushover).

Anyway I knew I was conned because two weeks later the same "foreign" guy approach me again for spare changed explaining the same story the first time round. Sure while others would of outed him out or etc but since he will most likely to played the "I don't know you" card, I did give him another changes but this time I gave him only 1 or 2 pence (it helped that this time round my wallet had no coins in it as I refuse to shown him my notes).

 

[tippy2k2]

After living in New York City for a while and doing some quick math in my head with someone going train to train, I don't ever give out cash to anyone asking for it unless I know them (or if they're earning it somehow; I had no problem dropping a buck into a musicians case who's out there playing a guitar or something).

I have no problem giving out stuff though. I'm not going to give a homeless man cash because I have zero control over what he wants to do with it and I have issues with that. However, if said homeless man is in front of McDonalds or something and asks for a bite, I will kick him a McDouble or something.

I know he's not going to use the McDouble for nefarious purposes...unless drug dealers take hamburgers for payment?...oh God....what have I done?!?!

It sucks to not be able to trust your fellow human but that's the world we live in.

 

[Fox12]

snip

You know, there's an interesting C.S. Lewis story that pretty much sums up my view of this.

He was walking down town with a good friend of his when they were approached by a beggar. Lewis brought out a few pounds and gave it to him before continuing on his way. His friend looked back, somewhat nervous, and asked Lewis what made him so sure the man wouldn't just spend it on booze. Lewis's response?

"Well, that's what I would spend it on if I had it."

You can't let the bad behavior of other people dictate your judgement.

 

[Imperioratorex Caprae]

There are shitty people out there, there are good people out there. Sometimes we're going to get shit on for doing what we perceive is the right thing by people only out for themselves, but the knowledge that our intentions were in the right should be armor against the jackasses who're conning the good and honest folk.
I'm a firm believer in Karma, maybe not as a governing force that balances right and wrong actions, but rather that eventually shitty folk always get their comeuppance in some form. I've known quite a few shitty people in my life and I've never actually seen them truly get ahead, they always seem to be running themselves ragged with their petty (and oft times criminal) acts, and even if they're not caught by the Law, they nevertheless seem to be in a permanent state of stress. Outwardly they may act confident but inwardly I'd hedge a bet that they're worn absolutely thin with stress.
So either way, if you help someone and they don't really need it there may come a time where that person actually needs help but can't find it. That's my view and it makes me feel just fine being a decent person. I don't expect rewards, I don't expect anything I just like helping folks when I can and I don't worry about what they do with that help once I'm gone.
Of course there's always precautions I take when helping strangers, just because I might want to help someone doesn't mean I trust them and I've grown a fairly accurate bullshit radar from past experiences.

 

[Lightspeaker]

I had something similar althought I had given the stranger a pound or two (£). I was in Uni and some foreign guy (had an accent) asking for any spare changes cos he needed the money for the transport fare or something like that (I can't remember). Seeing how I was living in a city that has an airport and it kind of a multicutural city, I relented (well ok I was a pushover).

Anyway I knew I was conned because two weeks later the same "foreign" guy approach me again for spare changed explaining the same story the first time round. Sure while others would of outed him out or etc but since he will most likely to played the "I don't know you" card, I did give him another changes but this time I gave him only 1 or 2 pence (it helped that this time round my wallet had no coins in it as I rufuse to shown him my notes).

Related: I visited the University of Manchester a couple of times last year to talk to a couple of their experts about an experiment I was running.

As I was heading up there from the train station on one occassion some lad at the bus stop...early twenties maybe...waylaid me, saying he was a University student trying to get home. Then straight up asked me for twenty quid for the train.

I can understand a couple of quid like your example, but there was no way I was giving twenty pounds over to someone I didn't even know for dubious reasons. Either way, sounds like you got away lucky.

 

[Little Woodsman]

Am I just an idiot to fall for something like that? I mean, the guy had crutches... that should have been a red flag, right? I suppose I should be more wary in the future, but I am kind of afraid I'll just end up turning into those assholes that divert their gaze the moment they see someone in need.

Anyone else have any experiences like this? Did you change your behavior afterwards?

You are definitely not an idiot. You are a person who is trying to be the best person you can be, struggling to get by in a world that doesn't really encourage the best.

Also think about this, sucky as this is, how would you have felt if you hadn't tried to help and later heard "Some guy got arrested when the police brought gas for his stalled truck and he didn't have the money to pay them back."

Being a good person isn't easy but you are making a valiant effort at it. Don't be so hard on yourself.

I also have to say that this guy had one of the better set-ups that I've seen/heard of. The only way to confirm what he was saying without being arse-hole-ish would be if someone had the time and instead of giving him cash just said "Ok, I'll hang out here until the police come back & I'll reimburse them for the gas." and then waited to see if the police did indeed show up.

As for experiences like this... hai yai yai... soooo many, I've had people yell, scream and threaten me for bringing them food when they said they were hungry (they wanted money for booze/drugs/whatever) *BUT* I have also had people tearfully grateful for a few apples and a loaf of bread.
Living where I do you get to be good at spotting the legit ones.

Good on ya for trying to do good!

 

[Scarim Coral]

I had something similar althought I had given the stranger a pound or two (£). I was in Uni and some foreign guy (had an accent) asking for any spare changes cos he needed the money for the transport fare or something like that (I can't remember). Seeing how I was living in a city that has an airport and it kind of a multicutural city, I relented (well ok I was a pushover).

Anyway I knew I was conned because two weeks later the same "foreign" guy approach me again for spare changed explaining the same story the first time round. Sure while others would of outed him out or etc but since he will most likely to played the "I don't know you" card, I did give him another changes but this time I gave him only 1 or 2 pence (it helped that this time round my wallet had no coins in it as I rufuse to shown him my notes).

Related: I visited the University of Manchester a couple of times last year to talk to a couple of their experts about an experiment I was running.

As I was heading up there from the train station on one occassion some lad at the bus stop...early twenties maybe...waylaid me, saying he was a University student trying to get home. Then straight up asked me for twenty quid for the train.

I can understand a couple of quid like your example, but there was no way I was giving twenty pounds over to someone I didn't even know for dubious reasons. Either way, sounds like you got away lucky.

Funny thing, that was the city I was studing at, well I didn't went to University of Manchester (Salford).

 

[K12]

I think managing to maintain a trusting and generous attitude in the face of manipulative tossers like that guy is the mark of a genuinely good person.

Cynical people can be really smug about how naive everyone else is and how smart they are but the truth is that they are missing out on things too and generally making the world a worse place. Cynicism is a different kind of naivety, not the opposite of it.

As long as you have an eye for when your safety may be at risk (and you aren't forking over a life-changing sum of money) then I wouldn't dwell too much on a situation like that.

 

[Gunner 51]

You might have gotten screwed there, OP. But keep your head up, because the world is in terrible need of good natured folks like yourself. If 2014 has taught me anything is that there are too many dicks out there in the world, don't become cynical and end up joining them.

As I sometimes say to myself "Be the change you want to see in the world." It may not bring you prosperity, but it makes others happy and in turn, you become happy with them and for them. As a result, the world doesn't seem such a bad place any more.

But I have undergone experiences like this, and I've never let it change me. Whether it be an obvious con like drunks asking for coffee, or a foreign Big Issue seller who may or may not be truly poor, to a guy who truly is down on his luck - you don't have to give your money to show charity. Hot food and two minutes of conversation is always welcome by those who are in need. If you desire to give them money, by all means do so - but don't feel bad that you don't.

Besides, it's not nice to treat someone in need like vermin and ignore them. Charity doesn't begin at home, but with a good heart. Keep your head up and your heart unclouded from cynicism.

 

[Pyrian]

Find a reputable charity that helps the truly needy. Give them some money regularly. Don't worry about the people asking for money along the roadside. They'll be fine without you.

In the sliding scale of "legitimate use of charity funds", roadside beggars are pretty far down the list.

 

[Tsun Tzu]

Well...don't (please don't) let assholes like that guy dissuade you from being a kind person.

We need decent folk out there to help counteract the jackasses, after all. :/

If it means anything, I'd have given the money too.

I'm a sucker like that, I suppose...but I'd very much rather my first instinct be to help rather than shun.

 

[CharrHearted]

If there's one thing I've learned in life is that being overly nice to anyone, family, friends, best friends is a liability as well. There's a certain amount of kindness you should give before you are vulnerable to attack by less than friendly individuals. I've had many friends my whole life, some I thought I could even lay my self to die for before said individuals took my vulnerability in stride and used it to drain me of what ever I had. Took my secrets and blackmailed me and abused me. I eventually stood up, but I've been abused by the fake smile of friendship, in my life, everyone is only your friend because they WANT something, they don't love you, they don't like you, the only reason friends call you their friend is because you have something sparkly they want their greedy hands on, money, company, a game, etc.

So if even "friends" will eventually backstab you when you've outlived your usefulness like a toy on Christmas, then don't even bother helping the stranger... they'll just abuse your kindness until you bleed out of things to give, then they'll leave. Everyone in the world is greedy, sadly, this is the crappy reality we live in...

 

[Diddy_Mao]

Story Time:

(TLDR: I was dirt poor for a few years and the generosity of random strangers helped me get through it.)


Roughly 15 years ago I hit a pretty rough spot in my life. Events had transpired that found me having to scramble to find a place to live and a job with very little time to prepare.

Making minimum wage at a full time gig certainly wasn't a living wage at the time and I was living paycheck to paycheck at a deficit. I had no addictions, no frivolous spending, and no debt. None of the bogeymen that you'll hear folks use to justify their attitude towards the working poor. The simple fact was that electricity, gas, and rent ate up all of my paycheque leaving me with just enough money left over to take the bus to and from work.

I lived 5 miles from a plasma donation centre and on my days off I'd hike down there to sell a few pints to make some scratch so I could buy groceries.

Being relatively young and not having kids, I didn't qualify for government assistance so that $20.00 a week got me enough food to eat, but not well. My diet consisted almost entirely of ramen and rice and when it got bad enough I wasn't above asking strangers for money.

Those folks who were kind enough to not assume the worst about me got me through the worst times of an already rough spot.

Eventually I was able to make a bit more money at my job and save up enough to afford a phone and a car. That opened up all kinds of other opportunities as I could actually apply for jobs and make it to interviews and keep a work schedule that didn't have to comply with local transit schedules.

Those folks will never know it, but their generosity was what allowed me to get my life back on track and it burns me to my core that I can't thank them personally.

Sure that guy fleeced you, and it's easy to assume that someone who is begging for money is just too lazy to get a "real job." There's also a good chance that your altruism could mean the world to somebody who really needs it and I think that's worth the risk.