Is bottling up emotions a sign of strength?

[DarklordKyo]

There's an event in my life that's been eating at me for nearly a year now, one that could've been avoided if I just bottled things up.

I went to play board games one time, and I was explaining a board game I brought with me. I didn't feel like I could accurately info-dump everything in the beginning, so I went with the "explain as I go" approach. Eventually, one of the dudes interrupted and interrupted, complaining about me not just dumping everything at the start and, being the weak, spoiled little manchild I am, I eventually snapped and asked him, in a scream, to let me explain the game.

It's been nearly a year since then, and it keeps on flashing back to me, as if the memory's telling me "hey asshole, if you would've just been a man, bottled up your growing frustrations with the complaints, and ignored it all, that would never have happened."

I have to ask, would it have been a sign of strength, or at least normal human behavior, to have bottled my frustrations up? Was the fact that I blew up a sign that I'm a spoiled, pathetically weak waste of flesh? Am I just whining about first world problems without intending to right now?

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

I find it preferable to not bottle up emotions. Bottled up anger has a way of exploding on someone less deserving who might have only committed some minor offense (usually a loved one). In the end, you end up doing more damage than if you'd just spoken your mind at the time to the person who hurt you in the first place.

That guy was an asshole to you and it's better to let him know, rather than let a concerned friend be the target of your anger later on, if you had held it in, you wouldn't have been exhibiting strength, you'd be a doormat.

However, having a lot of stress in your life can contribute to what circumstances may set you off. People who are more relaxed have more ability to shrug off minor offenses, this is where the "strength" factor comes in. Strong people aren't bottling up their anger, these little things just don't actually bother them at all. Perhaps try meditation? Take some deep breaths, relax, try to shut off your mind for a few minutes.

 

[Nemmerle]

My general observation is that 'strong' people, or at least ones that have any significant power in a group because of their behaviour (vs inherited or role power,) tend not to lose their shit too readily. Conflicts tends to be costly, and you need to be able to take a step back when you're pissed off and decide whether something's worth a fight of some sort if you want to avoid having that cost imposed on you relatively freely. Losing your shit is... a luxury, for time spent around people who don't really matter... but taken as a way of life it doesn't seem to do people any favours.

All of which said, there are ways of dealing with annoying people besides screaming and stewing on it.

 

[Saelune]

Nope, cause eventually you pop and its never as productive as it could be. This is from someone who has popped way too many times, and is bound to pop again since I still bottle a lot up.

Its a strength to be able to control your emotions, not bottle them. You're allowed to get upset, but you cant let it become destructive. That said, sometimes you do have to kind of let it out, when its still low and the worse it might get is some yelling. Better to get it out of the way in an argument or something than let it brew into spite.

 

[Twinrehz]

My only way of giving advice is telling you my experience with it. Make of it what you will.

I'm very much a passive-aggressive person, who don't like confrontations, and tend to lay low when I'm being chewed off. The result is that I weave up imaginary tales of how fucking useless and how much of a loser I am, and I end up crying. Yeah, not very manly, and very often I've felt that any show of weakness will be exploited for what it's worth to hurt my feelings. This has made it difficult for me to make friends, since it seems everyone is only out to get me and tell me off.

I've years of pent-up aggression and anger, it does not help in any way. I don't know how I can make it go away, the only solution I've found to have any effect is to try and talk it out with the other party involved; if the other party doesn't want to talk about it, you need to find someone who's willing to listen to your problems. Face to face is very helpful, but not an absolute necessity (if you feel you can't look anyone in the eyes while talking about it).

The point I'm trying to make is this; bottling up doesn't help you, it doesn't help those around you. In the long run, my experience shows it only makes you more vulnerable, likely to break down at a critical point where you can't take it any more (this can happen while talking to someone who's just trying to be friendly to you as well). Tender points develop, making your "buttons" bigger and more easily triggered, as well as giving you more "buttons" that can trigger negative emotions.

 

[Tiger King]

It's not really bottling your emotions but more about how to deal with stress.
I wasn't there and don't know how things went down but I don't find myself agreeing with eclipse dragon that the guy was being an arsehole. To me it sounded like this person was complaining because he didn't understand the rules and was frustrated.
But like I said I wasn't there, I'm probably wrong.

Regardless, even if this guy was being annoying I don't think anyone deserves to be screamed at. It shows you have lost control and can make everyone around feel uncomfortable.
Dosent make you weak or anything though, everyone snaps. What's important is learning to deal with that stress in a more articulate way, confront the issue and try to work it out.
Bottling emotions, especially negative ones, can get you into a world of pain if allowed to smoulder.
One day the wrong person could say the wrong thing to you, possibly at school or work or in the street and before you know it you are sacked/expelled/arrested for assaulting someone that most likely didn't deserve it.

I think the question you should ask yourself is not 'should I have bottled things up?' But 'was it worth the effort of getting angry over'? If that makes sense.

 

[The Philistine]

Bottling up emotions is generally not healthy, and neither is blowing up and going full bore when you're upset. In a stressful situation, it's better to (metaphorically) take a step back, take a deep breath, and look at the best way to defuse the situation. Being in control of your emotions is not the same thing as bottling them up, it's expressing them in a way that is most constructive to your situation.

From what I gather in the case of the board game scenario, it seems like you felt under pressure in explaining the rules and took your friend's comments as a personal affront. Everyone gets frustrated from time to time, in that case it's best to shake it off due to nerves and focus on the goal rather than how your presentation makes you feel. Note, not hanging onto frustration is not the same thing as bottling it up. If it's still bothering you afterwards, talk it out with your friend rather than keep quiet about it. Same goes for blowing up, considering you're still brooding over it, you've likely left some of that frustration build up over time. If you're still talking with your friend, bring it up in a non-confrontational way, i.e. apologize for blowing up. That may help start a conversation for easing old wounds. And if it's not possible or not relevant at this point, let it go. What's done is done, and carrying the regret and resentment is doing more harm than good.

 

[DarklordKyo]

Bottling up emotions is generally not healthy, and neither is blowing up and going full bore when you're upset. In a stressful situation, it's better to (metaphorically) take a step back, take a deep breath, and look at the best way to defuse the situation. Being in control of your emotions is not the same thing as bottling them up, it's expressing them in a way that is most constructive to your situation.

From what I gather in the case of the board game scenario, it seems like you felt under pressure in explaining the rules and took your friend's comments as a personal affront. Everyone gets frustrated from time to time, in that case it's best to shake it off due to nerves and focus on the goal rather than how your presentation makes you feel. Note, not hanging onto frustration is not the same thing as bottling it up. If it's still bothering you afterwards, talk it out with your friend rather than keep quiet about it. Same goes for blowing up, considering you're still brooding over it, you've likely left some of that frustration build up over time. If you're still talking with your friend, bring it up in a non-confrontational way, i.e. apologize for blowing up. That may help start a conversation for easing old wounds. And if it's not possible or not relevant at this point, let it go. What's done is done, and carrying the regret and resentment is doing more harm than good.

He wasn't really a friend though, more like an occasional acquaintance.

 

[The Philistine]

Snip. And if it's not possible or not relevant at this point, let it go. What's done is done, and carrying the regret and resentment is doing more harm than good.

He wasn't really a friend though, more like an occasional acquaintance.

Then how worthwhile is it to keep worrying about it? Berating yourself for nearly a year is itself not going to enact change or peace of mind. Think of how you would rather have seen the situation resolved, weighing the consequences and costs of varying actions, and go with what you find suitable. There's more ways to express yourself than blowing up or shutting down.

 

[DarklordKyo]

Then how worthwhile is it to keep worrying about it? Berating yourself for nearly a year is itself not going to enact change or peace of mind. Think of how you would rather have seen the situation resolved, weighing the consequences and costs of varying actions, and go with what you find suitable. There's more ways to express yourself than blowing up or shutting down.

It's not really intentional, it's just that my mind somehow refuses to let me let it go.

 

[The Philistine]

Then how worthwhile is it to keep worrying about it? Berating yourself for nearly a year is itself not going to enact change or peace of mind. Think of how you would rather have seen the situation resolved, weighing the consequences and costs of varying actions, and go with what you find suitable. There's more ways to express yourself than blowing up or shutting down.

It's not really intentional, it's just that my mind somehow refuses to let me let it go.

I've lost my temper myself in ways that can, years later, still feel pretty raw. I'm guessing that you're reliving the raw emotions from that experience still. It's the kind of thing that takes time, but I've generally found that working through what caused that emotion, deliberating on how acting differently may have resulted, and deciding what to do differently helped me.

I'm no professional, and that likely won't be the best solution for everyone. There's a danger in mulling over events of going into a feedback loop, where you just don't let it go because you keep coming to unsatisfactory answers or couldn't have realistically changed things as you would have liked. Not always being in control is just part of the human experience, and the hard part is developing a way for yourself in which to cope with it in a healthy manner.

 

[Glongpre]

These seem like two different things.

1) Bottling is not a sign of strength
2) You shouldn't be getting mad at this kind of thing in the first place

The biggest sign of strength is honesty.
Because it means you have courage. It is hard to be honest about everything, your faults, mistakes, etc. But if you can be honest about those kinds of things then you are a strong minded individual, and likely a better person.

 

[VincentRollsRoyce]

You completely did the right thing. He interrupted you multiple times, if he wasn't so rude he wouldn't of got snapped at so he actually learned a lesson, don't interrupt people. I hate people that interrupt me when I'm talking. I think it is very rude, which is why I avoid doing it to anyone else.

 

[DarklordKyo]

These seem like two different things.

1) Bottling is not a sign of strength
2) You shouldn't be getting mad at this kind of thing in the first place

The biggest sign of strength is honesty.
Because it means you have courage. It is hard to be honest about everything, your faults, mistakes, etc. But if you can be honest about those kinds of things then you are a strong minded individual, and likely a better person.

Well, the main point is that I wouldn't have exploded if I just bottled things up and ignored all of it.

 

[Nemmerle]

Not in that particular instant, bottling everything up without any way to actually deal with the situations is not good for you though. You've only got so much self control- same for everyone.

 

[Glongpre]

These seem like two different things.

1) Bottling is not a sign of strength
2) You shouldn't be getting mad at this kind of thing in the first place

The biggest sign of strength is honesty.
Because it means you have courage. It is hard to be honest about everything, your faults, mistakes, etc. But if you can be honest about those kinds of things then you are a strong minded individual, and likely a better person.

Well, the main point is that I wouldn't have exploded if I just bottled things up and ignored all of it.

Then you would just explode at someone else.

Bottling does nothing good. It doesn't fix the problem.

 

[mad825]

I would say that bottling up emotions has it's advantages. That said, blowing-up when there's people around will end in a major disaster both literally and metaphorically.

 

[Dirty Hipsters]

There's a difference between bottling up emotions, and just not forcing your emotional state on other people, and few people seem to understand that.

To bottle up your emotions is to ignore what you're feeling. The opposite of that is to allow your emotions to control you, and for you to push those emotions on other people, like you did when you screamed at your friend. Neither is healthy and both are the product of improper coping mechanisms.

Things like breaking down crying in public or screaming at people are not healthy, and neither is ignoring your feelings.

Strong people are the ones who can control their emotions in public, and then figure out what is causing their emotional state and deal with it in private, but you still have to deal with it.

 

[Epyc Wynn]

Short Answer: No.

Long Answer: Bottling up your emotions causes anxiety and psychological issues. It is often caused by outside stresses and it is usually the best idea to convey your feelings openly, as bottling up one's feelings can lead to serious issues internally and externally in their life.

Unless you actively trying to act and lie charmingly to others in an effort to please or deceive them, it is a bad idea and something you only do as a last resort when something truly important is on the line you cannot obtain through another means.