Is there something wrong with me?

[zombiesinc]

Sometimes I feel like it's because I'm so unattractive that subconsciously, I assume that every guy is out of my league.

When you constantly hear from someone, especially your parents, that you're fat, ugly, or simply not good enough, eventually... you'll start to believe it. The moment you start believing it (whether you're conscious of this or not), is the moment you start giving off those negative vibes to those around you. This is something that will turn people away, whether or not you, or they are aware of it.

It seems more than anything that you need to surround yourself with people who won't put you down. As you already mentioned, positive reinforcement doesn't happen often. So, not only are you lacking in that department, but you're constantly being putting down, or made to feel as if you're not good enough. All of which is affecting how you put yourself out there.

You're 21, do you still live at home? 'Cause if so, I would suggest doing everything to get away from your mother. Or, let her know how she's making you feel. Tell her that you understand that she wants the best for you, but the way she communicates with you discourages you.

Also, there's no need to apologize for posting such a "long" OP, or going on about your life. That's one of the reasons this forum was created.

 

[DanDeFool]

I just wanted to thank everyone who's posted such nice comments. I don't really have any friends, so positive reinforcement can be a little hard to come by sometimes.

I know what you mean with the no friends and the positive reinforcement is hard to come by- but we're all trying to help Also, (may seem crazy) but I talk to myself or inanimate objects and then give myself positive reinforcment when I need it. it boosts confidence

Saw this right after I posted.

There's a behavioral scientist named Shad Helmstetter (he's a legit Ph.D., by the way) who wrote a book titled "What You Say When You Talk to Yourself." The thesis of that book is that putting yourself down is something that a lot of us get trained to do, and it's about the most self-destructive habit imaginable. It also discusses how to use positive self-talk to improve your outlook on life.

I don't know if Helmstetter's methods work or not, but I know for a fact that getting down on myself has never helped me any. I just thought I'd give this as evidence that not everyone thinks talking yourself up is crazy. Certainly not me.

Although I find it odd that Shad Helmstetter doesn't seem to have an entry on Wikipedia. Considering his notoriety, it's almost unthinkable.

 

[spartan1077]

There's a behavioral scientist named Shad Helmstetter (he's a legit Ph.D., by the way) who wrote a book titled "What You Say When You Talk to Yourself." The thesis of that book is that putting yourself down is something that a lot of us get trained to do, and it's about the most self-destructive habit imaginable. It also discusses how to use positive self-talk to improve your outlook on life.

I don't know if Helmstetter's methods work or not, but I know for a fact that getting down on myself has never helped me any. I just thought I'd give this as evidence that not everyone thinks talking yourself up is crazy. Certainly not me.

Although I find it odd that Shad Helmstetter doesn't seem to have an entry on Wikipedia. Considering his notoriety, it's almost unthinkable.

*puts book on To read list*
Thanks for making me seem not crazy

 

[LightningBanks]

Holy crap, I just typed all of this, and it didn't post.

Snippy

Im in a similar boat, but im a 16 male. I was lucky enough to get out of my mums house, but my therapist says its greatly affect my self esteem. My friends have all been in at least a few relationships, and it disheartens me when I think about it. Im not a massive sex hungry boy like most people my age near me, but even since I started to like my first girl, it just seems like I would like to experience a relationship.That said, I dont run after every girl, ive only liked 2 in 3 years. Butone of them was recently, so I keep thinking for a rebound, even though I wasnt in a relationship in the first place (I liked this girl for a while). I would consider myself the ugly one of my little group, but I try to be as nice as I can.

That being said, I wouldnt go for just the nearest girl. I think you should take your time to find someone you really like, its your life, its up to you. As for your mum, ignore her, if the medication helps, keep taking it. Weight should never be a factor, and your mums out of order for saying that. I also end up thinking the same as you, that everyones out of my league, but if you like someone, try to get to know them, you sound like you have a great personality, and youd be surprised on how many people are different under the shell.

I wish you the best of luck

 

[dfcrackhead]

Also, I'm kind of surprised no one has suggested you post a pic up here so we can offer a fresh perspective on how you look, but then again I'd hate for some troll to pop up and make you feel worse just for the sake of being mean

 

[Monkfish Acc.]

No. There is nothing wrong with you. There are quite a few people uninterested in sex and relationships. I am one of them.

Your mom sounds like kind of a *****, though. In a way that she actually seems like that instead of embellished to look so by the speaker. If you have trouble making friends, it might be because she is so overbearing.
I think I read another post you made on The Escapist somewhere that mentioned how poorly she takes to things like criticism and, you know, you standing up to her. I seriously reckon you need to escape. Just moving away isn't enough, you have to break yourself away from her emotionally and let her know she can't keep you under her thumb.

It's swell that you want to work for charity and all, but cutting yourself off from your entire family just because one member is a complete dick is not good for you. You will need to face the shitstorm of telling her to go fuck herself. It will be hard, but it is better for both you and her in the long run.

You will make friends. Just the fact that you want to work in charity shows you are a good person. Hell, I'd be friends with you.

And, by the way, physical appearance is not important. Very few people are okay with how they look. You could be gorgeous for all you know, but all you can see is all the tiny little flaws that nobody else pays attention to.
And even that aside, you've seen plenty of people deemed "unnattractive" by shallow fucking idiots in relationships all the time, have you not? Women and men in their fourties who are not exactly going to be appearing on the cover of whatever stupid fashion rag people read these days. They've got age AND mindless societal perceptions against them, but they still manage to find people they connect with.

ANYWAY, what I am saying here is... something I forgot.
HERE I MADE YOU THIS DRUNKEN POST I HOPE YOU LIKE IT

 

[DuctTapeJedi]

snip

ANYWAY, what I am saying here is... something I forgot.
HERE I MADE YOU THIS DRUNKEN POST I HOPE YOU LIKE IT

Of course I like the drunken post.

 

[Not-here-anymore]

What's wrong with me? Why am I not good enough for anyone?

That, right there, is what's wrong with you. Neither of those questions are along the lines of 'Is there a problem?', but instead 'What is the problem?'
Self-esteem, woman! It's hard, but if you can master it, it's really quite useful!
Think hard about all those things you're good at. Go do those things. Be good at them. It helps.
You're good enough for everyone, even if they haven't realised it yet. But they're not important. You're also good enough for you. Which is surprisingly hard to remember, sometimes!

Spoiler: Motivational boost

Went through the whole depression thing myself, and it took a couple of months of counselling to realise that most of the problem was that I was massively self-deprecating.
What worked for me: Buying a pair of actually vaguely stylish shoes, and wearing them everywhere. No-one else notices, but they make me happy. Also growing a beard, but I wouldn't recommend that in your case

 

[BioHazardMan]

I've had my fair share of parents yelling at me, and a lack of dating (huge nerd, barely average looking etc.). It's important to be yourself, that's how you get the first date, it's how I did no matter how cliche it sounds. There is ALWAYS a match for each person.

It also sounds like you need to tell your mom to shutup or get away from her...

 

[likalaruku]

Can't be your weight; I notice that while white boys are pathetic snobs about weight, latino & black men tend to be much more open-minded. Some men like shy calm unasertive women & some like like hyper boisterous women, some men like bland women who look like every other blond, & some like a little gothic or retro flare.

Often when women claim that men don't pay attention to them, it's because they themselves ignore & forget about attention given to them by men who are not their type.

As for your mom, tell her that sticking her nose into her daughter's love life is a despearate cry for needing therapy, that there's something neglected from her own past that she's trying to enforce on you & that she can't live her life through you. That the little clay child she gave birth to has already hardened, & that you do not feel that you are half of a person who needs to be in a relationship to feel whole.

Perhaps she's just desperate for grandchildren? Or is secretly afraid you might be gay; that one;s pretty common with mothers pushing their sons into blind dates.

 

[Kavic86]

Nope nothing wrong with you other than feeling bad about being treated bad, if anyone has something wrong with them its your mom. Also do what you think is best when it comes to your life and take other peoples opinions with a grain of salt. Your just fine your only human.

 

[archvile93]

There's nothing wrong with you, and I think your mother is the one who needs psychological help, believe me I've been there. However if you do want a boyfriend I suggest taking initiative and talking to people. The time of letting the guy do all the work is dead.

 

[krimson_dropz]

well first off you could just be blinding yourself to peoples advances through this attitude second just fyi something i heard from one of my psyc proffesors is that antidepressents only work for the bad cases of depression and that they don't work for mild cases. third your mom sounds like a ***** fuck her seriously. fuck. her. fourth have you really put yourself out there to socialise and try to find not just a boyfriend but ya know just interpersonal relationships in general? and finally if you have any fashionista type friends get their opinions on your wardrobe you'd be suprised how much a change of style can change not only your outward appearence but also your confidence and therefore your attitude.

 

[drisky]

Your fine, I'm almost 22 and the only relationship i've had lasted about a week. It wouldn't be your weight thats keeping people guys away, there are plenty of attractive larger women, its probably just that you need to put your self out there if you want a relationship, if you don't want one theres nothing saying you need one.

 

[DuctTapeJedi]

snip

Perhaps she's just desperate for grandchildren? Or is secretly afraid you might be gay; that one;s pretty common with mothers pushing their sons into blind dates.

It's not the grandchildren thing, my older sister's expecting her first kid this spring. (words cannot describe how excited I am to be the crazy aunt)
But the thing about her concern that I'm gay is possible. I'm a female in a trade school for construction with no regard for cosmetics and I've recently voiced interest in buying a truck.
I fit every societal stereotype for lesbians out there, except for the whole "liking girls" thing.

 

[LHZA]

Don't worry about a relationship or men right now. It's one of the last things you should be focusing on. Try and put as much distance between you and your mother as possible. Don't cut her out of your life but the farther you are from her physcially, the harder it is for her to try and control you and the easier it is for you to ignore her. If this is not possible just remember her negativity is a reflexion of a serious problem within her, not you.

And last but not least stay on your meds and start excercising. Start exercising more if you already do. No, I'm not suggesting you should do so to lose wieght, the idea that your only healthy if your a size two model is preposterous, I'm suggesting it because of the plethora of scientific data suggesting how beneficial it is for people with depression.

 

[likalaruku]

snip

Perhaps she's just desperate for grandchildren? Or is secretly afraid you might be gay; that one;s pretty common with mothers pushing their sons into blind dates.

It's not the grandchildren thing, my older sister's expecting her first kid this spring. (words cannot describe how excited I am to be the crazy aunt)
But the thing about her concern that I'm gay is possible. I'm a female in a trade school for construction with no regard for cosmetics and I've recently voiced interest in buying a truck.
I fit every societal stereotype for lesbians out there, except for the whole "liking girls" thing.

Try posting a large poster of a shirtless man on your wall & see if she acts less desperate.

 

[DuctTapeJedi]

snip

Perhaps she's just desperate for grandchildren? Or is secretly afraid you might be gay; that one;s pretty common with mothers pushing their sons into blind dates.

It's not the grandchildren thing, my older sister's expecting her first kid this spring. (words cannot describe how excited I am to be the crazy aunt)
But the thing about her concern that I'm gay is possible. I'm a female in a trade school for construction with no regard for cosmetics and I've recently voiced interest in buying a truck.
I fit every societal stereotype for lesbians out there, except for the whole "liking girls" thing.

Try posting a large poster of a shirtless man on your wall & see if she acts less desperate.

That is not a bad idea...
Hilarious. Jokes and humor have always been a refuge for me when I feel like this.

 

[Ritter315]

Personally, I think it's because you probably dont get sexually or emotionally attracted to people easily. The majority of affection people feel is sexually or emotionally first and then the second arises later, thats how people know who they like or want to date etc. It's not an insult, as a lot of people feel this way, its a pretty common thing. I know of three people who have something like it. Getting a significant other by the way, has literally almost NOTHING to do with looks. Hook-ups have everything to do with that, but relationships almost never do. As for the self-confidence, that has a lot to do with relationships, and the best way to build-up your confidence, do things...no really. Life experience, and socail interaction is the best way to do that. Trying to make friends and talk about whatever with people who you really dont care about if they like or dislike you is a great way to build-up confidence. Experiences will make you into a more self-confident person.

 

[loc978]

I don't know enough of the situation to give real advice, but... I'd suggest putting a little bit more space between you and your mother. Also, regarding prozac weight gain issues, that's seriously a drop in the bucket next to the typical American diet (high protein and starch, low essential nutrients) and a sedentary lifestyle.
Not trying to judge, this is just personal experience. I went from a 215lb fat guy to a newly-minted 155lb soldier in just under 3 months of training (since then I found a happy medium at about 180lbs) during which I could only drink water, the only tasty things available to eat were fruit and salad (seriously, Ft. Knox BCT chow hall chili mac is terrible), and I worked out an average of 6 hours a day.
...not that there aren't much less extreme methods available.

oh right, forgot to answer the posed question: No. Nothing wrong with you, you actually sound quite normal.