"Technology Races On"
by Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw
I went into a dealership to buy myself a car
And a wholesome-looking salesman came to greet me at the door
I said, "I'd like a car that wouldn't have to travel far.
Just a basic sort of vehicle; twenty thousand, maybe more."
The salesman said, "You know, I have the perfect car for you!
A sleek and daring motor for the manliest of men!"
Then he stood and stared at me and made no further moves
So I coughed expectantly and hinted, "Could I see it, then?"
"Oh, I can't show you it, but you have my guarantee."
And this is where the situation started seeming "if-y"
"How are you going to sell me something you won't let me see?!
For all I know, it's made of snow or shaped like a giant 'stiffy'!"
"Well, it isn't," was his counterpoint; "It actually looks cool!"
"I still don't care unless you've something tangible and real!"
So he took me to his office and he sat me on a stool
And, from underneath his desk, he produced a steering wheel
"Here's what you control it with," he said with eyes a-gleam;
"The cutting edge of tech; it really is the dizzy height!
In the middle of the wheel, you'll see a little sensor screen;
To turn the car, you wave your hand to the left or to the right!"
"Wait, what?!" I interrupted, eyes widened and unblinking
"I'd've thought you turned the car by turning the whole wheel."
He scoffed, "Sounds like you're just not up with current thinking!
This way cuts out the middle man for a more immersive feel!"
"That's ridiculous," I said. "And what's that little switch?"
He looked at what I pointed at, grinned and exclaimed, "Ah!
We've integrated social media to make your driving more enriched!
It sends to all your Facebook friends a link to where you are!
"And when your friends press theirs, you'll get their links, too,
With a loud, obnoxious bell that'll only slightly damage hearing!
A stream of what they're doing will obscure most of your view
And you can activate remote control and take over their steering!"
"STOP!" I yelled and, from his trance, he was finally jarred
"I don't care about gimmicks or fucking Facebook integration!
It seems to me this car is just trying way to hard!
It's innovating only for the sake of innovation!"
"What do you want to know? Let me try to talk you 'round."
He crossed his legs and touched his chin and tried to look attentive
"I want to know how fast it goes, if functionality is sound,
If it handles well on corners and isn't too expensive."
"You should've asked me sooner! It's the fastest of the fast!
Half the speed of sound and the fuel tank holds loads!"
"Is that on normal roads," I asked, interest peaked at last
He wrinkled up his nose and said, "It doesn't run on roads!
"It only runs on special tracks more suitable for races.
Our market research shows that that's what all the kids revere.
They're new and cutting edge and lead to lots of funky places!
They've not all been installed yet but give us one more year!"
"I kind of like the current roads and the places where they lead."
He "tut"ted condescendingly and spoke with some derision:
"Backwards compatibility was sacrificed for speed!
It's a quaint old-fashioned notion with no place in our grand vision"
I got up without a word and kept my emotions masked
But something made me stop as I was reaching for the door
I turned. "What do you call this car," I tentatively asked
"It's called the PS4! It was a clever metaphor!!"