Letters to Skyrim

[Yokai]

Dear College of Bards,
You guys aren't very productive. I have traveled from the windy arch of Solitude to the verdant forests of the Rift, and the entire collective musical knowledge of all the bards and skalds of Skyrim is three and a half songs. Now, the thing with the propaganda song being the same for Impreials and Stormcloaks but with the operative words changed is pretty clever--props to whatever guy cooked up that bit of irony. But three and a half songs that were all apparently written since the Great War doesn't really say much for five thousand years of Nord culture.

Also, will you ever actually offer to teach me an instrument? I ripped your lost saga from the clutches of a zombie and applied far more axes to faces than would usually be expected of a bard, thus saving Burning Man from the bureaucracy, but my hands just seem to sort of slide off my lute whenever I try to play anything on it. What am I missing?

Sincerely,
Tarrim the Bard-Who-Must-Slay-Dragons-As-A-Hobby-Until-Instruments-Become-Equippable

 

[BigSarge04]

Dear Skyrim,

I hired a horse from your fine country, since you have implemented flying to these horse the least you could do is help them survive the landing!

Sincerely, A surprised tourist.

You pirated the game, it's okay, we know

 

[Spaghetti]

Dear Skyrim,

I, a humble visitor from far off lands have, in the past week have become the champion of legend: "The Dovahkiin", a Thane in all your cities, head of all your major guilds, colleges and organisations and I'm on a first name policy with all your gods both Aedra and Daedra.

Would you mind if I didn't pay that 25 septim fine till some time next week? It's just that I blew all my money on my sweet roll habit...

Sincerely, the High King in all but name...

 

[loudestmute]

Dear Nords of Skyrim,

Thank you for being so unabashedly racist towards me and my fellow Dunmer. Your overconfidence in your superiority to my people causes you to throw down substantial amounts of Septims on a fistfight with no hesitation. Three more "bonding moments" like this and I'll have my second home paid in full.

Sincerely,
Droven Fels, Bare Knuckle Champion of Tamriel

 

[soul_rune1984]

Dear Skyrim,
Your children need to learn that when the grown ups are talking that they should keep quiet. Or failing that, not to talk to strangers. I would also sugest you start burning your dead rather than burying them.

Sincerely,
An agitated Arch Mage.

 

[Lithuasil]

Dear Skyrim,

please let me join the Thalmor. I don't have a problem with all factions being racist dicks, but please let me join the people that don't, specifically, hate me. Also, let me wear shirts under armor again.

Sincerely,
A very, very cold Dunmer

 

[Hasido]

Dear Skyrim,

As much as I enjoyed the return to my homeland, I would like to advise you that an economy is hard to maintain when your shopkeepers let you sell them half their own merchandise.

Yours,
A concerned sticky-fingered Nord.

P.S. you should also probably try to catch the infamous Knee Bandit, as he apears to have crippled a majority of your Guards.

 

[IamLEAM1983]

Dear Skyrim

I love your game to bits but please use iD Tech next time. If you game looked and ran like Rage i would die from happiness

Thanks

J.Carmack

Dear John Carmack,

I love id Software games, but please try to leave little things like plotlines and open-world environments to us. Stick with developing engines no one ever uses anyway, you're good at that.

Oh, and could you fix the texture pop-in issue with RAGE? Thanks.

Regards,
Pete Hines

 

[ChaoticKraus]

Dear Jarls of Skyrim,

Having spent many weeks travelling the roads and wilds of your country i have drawn one conclusion. 80% of the dangers in your fair land can be traced back a cave or dungeon, and the eight knows you got many of those. Every 50 meters or so i run into a new hole in the ground or mountainside. And every single time they are inhabited by trolls, bandits, corpses, necromancers, witches or abominations from beyond death. Couldn't you just uuuuuh... plug them all up or something. Or maybe hire the giants to clear them all out? They are probably tired of standing around their campfires every single hour of the day, only pausing to occasionally launch lost and confused adventurers into orbit. Beer tends to do wonders to motivate someone to work.

Sincerely,

Krausus Laenkar, Dark Elf, Proffesional cave explorer.

 

[Belaam]

Dear Giants,

I apologize. My sister was visiting. She wanted to see your three mammoths more closely, so I zoomed in with my bow. I showed her the two of you guarding your herd and pointed my zoomed bow at a mammoth to show what you were guarding. Then my finger slipped. After all my talk about how I kill dragons and walk Skyrim as though a god, she was a little surprised at how quickly I was turned into a cross between a pancake and a golfball.

Sincerely,

Not enough left of me to bury

 

[retyopy]

Dear people on bridges in Skyrim,

Seriously, get off. Please. Just know what's good for you. I really don't want to kill you. I really hate pushing you off. Actaully, I love it, but I hate loving it.

Sincerely, FUS DO RAH!

 

[Pearwood]

To the Blacksmiths of Skyrim,

We wish to inform you that unfortunately we can no longer purchase your surplus iron daggers. At this point it is no exaggeration to say we have 10 iron daggers for every man, woman, and child in Tamriel. This ban on imported daggers also extends to iron daggers with seemingly random petty enchantments.

-Cyrodiil Merchants Association

Dear Merchants' Association.

You will buy my iron daggers, enchanted or not, and you will like it.

Yours faithfully, A Blacksmith.

---

Dear Enchanters of Skyrim.

Please start selling more than one or two of each level soul gem at a time. Forcing me to prepare for a dungeon crawl by farming dungeons is both inefficient and extremely counterproductive.

Yours faithfully, An Enchanter.

---

Dear Bandit Chief.

I am sure you are now aware that your death was a result of a Dark Brotherhood contract. It may interest you to know that it was your wife who performed the Black Sacrement and now that you are dead she has remarried. To me. I sleep with her every night.

Yours faithfully, A Very Amused Assassin.

 

[SoupCanX]

Dear Skyrim,

While I do enjoy how squishy all your guards are, and how often you don't pay attention to important things in the open. I can't help but notice there isn't enough squishy guards to slaughter, I mean help. And not enough important things in the open to steal, I mean admire.

Fixing this problem would be a great benefactor to my entertainment, I mean safety.

Sincerely,
An extremely powerful invisible mage

 

[maddawg IAJI]

Dear Skryim,

By know, you've probably realized that every bard in Solitude has been murdered and their instruments have been destroyed. While I may have been a little harsh, I stand by my actions. If you had to listen to Ragnar the Red over and over again, you'd understand.

Sincerely, an Elf who is tired of tone deaf singers.

P.S. You may want to tell the Aldmeri Dominon to get their priorities straight. They seem to show no mercy when worshipers of Talos are involved, but they don't seem to lift a finger when the Daedra are involved. An agent of theirs had me break into a man's home to find an amulet of Talos, but don't seem to notice the Shrine of Molag Bal right next door.

 

[Moonlight Butterfly]

Dear Skyrim

When I received a random letter off a 'friend' directing me to some ruins to find a shout. I expected some sort of abandoned tower /fort ala Cyrodiil. I did't not expect to go over the hill and see a massive ruin with an ancient dragon battling hordes of undead.

Sincerely
Tiana, A frightened wood elf archer. Wondering exactly what she has got herself into this time.

 

[Bran1470]

Dear Skyrim,

I have hit a brick wall I cant seem to find any good quest anymore just crappy bounty's

 

[violent_quiche]

Dear Townsfolk Of Dawnstar/Winterhold/Markarth/Everywhere Else/Forsworn Raider Attacking While Fire Rains From The Sky

THERE! A DRAGON! ATTACKING US! AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN FUCKING SEE IT???

Don't worry, I killed it. That dragon. You know, the large pile of bones over there that used to be a dragon attacking your village, before I killed it and absorbed its essence. WERE YOU EVEN WATCHING???? No old lady, I didn't come to speak to you, I was too busy KILLING A FUCKING DRAGON FOR YOU.

You people make me sick

Syrio, Imperial Department of Damage Control

 

[anthony87]

Dear Skyrim,

While exploring your wonderful land I have made the observation that perhaps the reason you have so many bandit clans running about is because of a poor education system. For when even a wild beast knows to attack the immediate threat in an encounter(ie. A FUCKING DRAGON),whereas a bandit will continue to harass me as I am in fact trying to save him from the flying, fire breathing death lizard I can't help but feel that said bandit has been very poorly educated.

Sincerly,

A Dovahkiin who is waste deep in the blood of many thousands of dim-witted bandits.

P.S.

Is it too much to ask that you impliment some sort of escalator-like system? As much as I enjoy your land, some of your mountains are right bastards to climb and this is coming from a cat!

 

[Jovip]

Dear skyrim.

Please give me the ability so tell your stupid clingy citizens that i don't want and or need there help in any of the adventures. i understand they want to feel important. But i honestly do not care in the slightest. I shall liberate every fort myself because the imperial guards have the conservative standing power of a cardboard box stuffed with tampons. That world eater, i have legitimately had more difficulty trying to buy extra stuff for my house, i mean really dragons aren't tough when they are attacking 3 different people and the final battle, the soul ending boss battle was fought on a road...seriously?

Yours truly
Someone who really doesn't play well with others, Vincent.

 

[Drakmorg]

Dear Citizens of Skyrim,

HAHA! Twas I who stole all of your possessions. Maybe if you wanted to keep all of your things, you should learn that putting buckets on peoples heads is not a Khajiit custom. I'm assuming that's what you all thought and just didn't want to be rude or culturally insensitive (which was strange considering how racist most of you seemed at the time). I was just doing that so you wouldn't notice me stealing your things.

Sincerely,
Dovahkitty

P.S. That's not my real name, I was lying to you all.