Letters to Skyrim

[Riddle78]

Dear Skyrim,

I have recently galivanted off with thirty pounds of very valuable Malachite from an active mine within your borders,with no reprecussions. Since this ore is used to make high quality weapons and light armour,I'm surprised that a security detail wasn't assigned to me upon entry,and they didn't confiscate the Malachite as I mined it. Quite frankly,I'm stupefied at this flagrant misstep in common sense in regards to the security of your mines. I recently pulled an identical stunt in a Corundum mine. You may wish to revise your security protocols.

Regards,A Larcenous Miner.

 

[ZeroMachine]

Dear Skyrim,

If I'm ever walking around one of your wooded areas and I see the Slenderman, I WILL find a way to nuke your world into Oblivion.

Sincerely,
I Really Shouldn't Watch Marble Hornets When I'm Tired

P.S. Don't really worry about the nuking, I'll probably have a heart attack and die if I see it.

 

[0986875533423]

Dear Dungeon cleanup and threat-entropy maintainence service (Skyrim branch);

I know you exist. I'm not mad. I just wondered how you manage to do it all so quickly? I mean, with the number of idle bandits sitting around in Skyrim hiring them to replace the scum and villainy inhabiting a cleared cave shouldn't be too difficult, but where do you source your flammable oil? And isn't replacing all the valuable loot (gemstones and superweapons included) expensive? Where do you get your funds? And all this done in the space of (in some cases) twenty minutes, with no evidence you have ever been there, save the presence of your work in the newly revitalised dungeon.

P.S. Is your leader an Altmer? I know about the Dunmer Twins in charge of callouts, but just wondering.

Sincerely;

A concerned adventurer.

 

[0986875533423]

Dear Skyrim,

Give us the Creation kit already, pretty please ?

- A Mod-starved citizen

Dear Mod-starved citizen

Sorry, we can't. It doesn't work. We've already stated that the Creation Kit takes exception to the way the game loads textures (improperly) and crashes. We would like to solve this issue, but obviously it's not going to make a blind bit of difference until we fix some of the game, and really we'd rather just have pillow fights with our huge sacks of money.

-Bethesda Softworks

 

[White-Death]

Dear Skyrim,

I was taking a walk beside a dangerous cliff, Murdering women & children when this lunatic covered in the bones of a dragon comes & shouts me & my friends off the cliff.
Please kill him,and all other races except Altmer.
Sincerely,The Thalmor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Skyrim,

I was just minding my own business when a bunch of snooty high elves come and try to kill me, something to do with worshiping my Hero(Talos) or something, So i killed them all, impaled them, disemboweled them, cut off their heads and paraded their remains around a town then afterwards sent the remains to their family & friends. Now every single altmer is out to get me, so i just do the same.
This,saldy, results in half of skyrim wanting me dead.
Please send more thalmor to kill.

-Dovakihn

 

[Muspelheim]

Dear Concerned Adventurer.

The Altmer Dungeoun Cleanup-detail is an utter fabrication. What you see is truly the hard work carried out by dedicated spiders everywhere. It's both very expensive and difficult, but we do it for the good of all.
For instance, how would a dungeon with no loot possibly be inviting to random dinne... Adventurers and bandits? They just don't wander in by themselves, you know. As you must have noticed, the entire economy of Skyrim hinges entirely on the constant revitalisation of her deep, dank dungeons. Without random adventurers keeping the local economies stimulated, then Skyrim would surely collapse into unemployment and poverty.
And that would mean an end to bandits and treasure hunters with no sense of self-perservation (or possible intoxication), which means we will starve.

Our hard work benefits all. So the next time you open an urn to find that it's been refilled with gold, gift a thought to your friendly neighbourhood spider.

Sincerely, Mrs Frostbite Spider, chairman of Spiders for Skyrim.

 

[0986875533423]

Dear Concerned Adventurer.

The Altmer Dungeoun Cleanup-detail is an utter fabrication. What you see is truly the hard work carried out by dedicated spiders everywhere. It's both very expensive and difficult, but we do it for the good of all.
For instance, how would a dungeon with no loot possibly be inviting to random dinne... Adventurers and bandits? They just don't wander in by themselves, you know. As you must have noticed, the entire economy of Skyrim hinges entirely on the constant revitalisation of her deep, dank dungeons. Without random adventurers keeping the local economies stimulated, then Skyrim would surely collapse into unemployment and poverty.
And that would mean an end to bandits and treasure hunters with no sense of self-perservation (or possible intoxication), which means we will starve.

Our hard work benefits all. So the next time you open an urn to find that it's been refilled with gold, gift a thought to your friendly neighbourhood spider.

Sincerely, Mrs Frostbite Spider, chairman of Spiders for Skyrim.

Dear Mr Altmer President,

You're not fooling anyone with that ridiculous costume. We knew that junk was dumb and you should too.

Sincerely;

Children of Riverwood.

 

[Edible Avatar]

dear skyrim,

If A well-built rogue proceeds to put a bucket on your head, please be sure that no personal belongings are missing after you remove said bucket. Numerous hijinks have occured through these so called "bukkit heists", so it is up to you to remain vigilant and keep your noggin bucket-free.

Yours,
The Whiterun guard association

 

[Muspelheim]

Dear Children of Riverwood.

I am impressed that you are more perceptive than your parents are. Tell me, won't you consider singing up for service for the Elven Enclave? I will reward you dearly for whatever information you might have on illegal Talos-worship.

Remember, Elven candy is... In a league of its own. Join me, and I shall bestow upon you more candy than you can possibly ever eat!

Sincerely, your President, John Henry Eden, singing off.

 

[Da Orky Man]

Dear Giants of Skyrim,

As useful as your Insta-Travel service is, I often find that only my corpse ever reaches my destination safely. Now, call me frugal, but I consider my soul to be just a bit more valuable than my items. I would appreciate it if you could ensure I survive your otherwise flawless service.

Yours Sincerley,
A very bruised Breton.

 

[Torrasque]

Dear Skyrim,

What the fuck is up with your Dark Brotherhood?!
I leave for a few hundred years and the whole thing goes to shit.

Love,
The Listener

P.S. that "little girl" was delicious

 

[ZeroMachine]

Dear Giants of Skyrim,

Lay off the steroids.

Sincerely,
I Can See My House (In Cyrodil) From Here

P.S.

 

[scw55]

Dear Skyrim,
I have been made thane of this city. Been granted the right to

Spoiler

trap a dragon in it's Jarl's hall

. Why am I now assaulting it and massacring it as part of the Civil War?

Much love
Cathod the Were-wolf Kitty in Full Dragonscale Armour with a bow aimed at your head.

 

[Captain Pirate]

Dear Skyrim,
Why is your population so aggressive?!

I was just travelling around one day, looking at mountains and stuff, taking in the beautiful views, minding my own business harming nobody when some prick starts shooting arrows and shouting at me!

So I try and ignore him, do the mature thing, but he's a persistent guy, and one of the arrows hits me, so naturally I take it upon myself to come over and tell him to finally 'Fuck off', but he keeps shooting arrows!
With that, I took it upon myself to simply leave.
The manners of Nords these days...

Sincerely, a Dragon.


Seriously, I was saw a dragon casually just flying above Windhelm, not bothering anything, and naturally tried to shoot it down, but it ignored me and flew away! Just found it quite funny; maybe I was in the wrong there...

 

[MiracleOfSound]

Dear Skyrim

My girlfriend wants a word with you.

Love Gav

 

[Tartarga]

Dear Skyrim,

Please do something about the hostility of your local giants. Everytime I try to pet one of their mammoths they launch me into the stratosphere.

Sincerely,
A mammoth lover.

 

[dvd_72]

Dear Skyrim,

I came to your lands to learn the ways of combat from your hardy people, but I find myself dissapointed by how simplistic the fighting styles of your people are.

Perhaps a combat renesanse is in order?

Yours truely, Isaac.

 

[8bitlove2a03]

Dear Skyrim,

Vot iz up wit doz dem flyin' lizard tings, hmmm? Dey is alvays vanderin' 'round tryin' to lights me hon fiyer! Vonce jou killz dem zough, der zouls mek fur von hell ov un rush! Mehbe dats mekkin' up for de vay dat skooma don verk on us Jäger, hey? Heneyvay, Iz got verk to do.

-Jarrim, de Jägerkiin

 

[targren]

Dear Skyrim,

Please do something about the hostility of your local giants. Everytime I try to pet one of their mammoths they launch me into the stratosphere.

Sincerely,
A mammoth lover.

Dear Freak,

We don't care how devoted you are in your worship of Dibella. We don't like your kind 'round here.

Sincerely,
Skyrim

 

[SimpleChimp]

Dear Skyrim,

Firstly let me express my profound sorrow and confusion in my actions. Many days ago i entered your fair country, riddled with civil war and poverty, in shackles. Since then i have risen to be the head of a few of your prominent organizations, the companions and a secretive and dark organization that shall not be named. It rhymes with "we-are-not-the-black hand". I also became a fairly upstanding Imperial Guard.

See this is were the problem first arrises. I may, or may not, have killed a rather prominent member of the royal family, his most loyal guard, framed a few soldiers, slaughtered a lot of highly skilled royal guard, and then killed the person who sent me on the murders. I also may have freed a prisoner of war on an unrelated note. . .

And slaughtered alot of thalomer. . . and bandits . . . and highway men . . . a few beggars. . . and basically any one who got in my way. This is mainly because i am a helpful adventurer, and when people ask me to do a quest i have to do it, or it muddles up my quest log. So i go out and i do the quest, solve the problems, kill the people, get a few gold, and then move on. This is confusing for me as i truly do support and serve the imperium . . .

I guess what i am trying to say is: STOP HAVING ME SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS. I don't need to deliver your love letter, or get back your dads sword, or get you a relic, or kill your emperor. I am just here to kill a few dragons and crouch just outside of your field of view so i can get a sneak attack on you because your friend asked me to kill you.

Is that really so much to ask?

Respectfully,
The Listner, Imperial Soldier, Thane of Whiterun, Head of the Companions, DragonBorn
Desmond

P.S. Stop making the new guy the head of all your organizations.