long-distance love

[ThePenguinKnight]

I've been in two and they can work, it's difficult however. I recommend picking up a webcam for yourself and talking him into getting one as well, it's important to visit each-other at LEAST once a year. At some point you'll have to get together, or it'll fall apart.

 

[thiosk]

We met here on the Escapist, and met in person last month.

The coincidence between your avatar and the OP's avatar is striking, considering the coincidence of long distance relationships.

 

[Carbonyl]

I've been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend for five years. It's been tough, I miss him, he's in Wisconsin and I'm in Oregon, and we only get to see each other during breaks. Originally, we were only two hours away, since I'm from Illinois, but now it's a four hour plane ride and a two hour car ride away, and it's still always worth it. We talk every day, and I guess it's to our advantage in that respect, we really know each other, and we really like each other. It's nice to know that I'll always find something to talk about with him, it makes me more confident in our future. I love him very much, and he loves me very much. It's really, really hard, not being able to be near him, or be held by him, or touch his hand when I want to make a point. It's hard when I get back from a visit to get used to going to bed without him next to me again. A lot of long distance relationships don't work, there are a lot of reasons why. Long distance relationships don't just require being in love, what they really require is that you LIKE each other, that you're interested in each other and you trust each other. It's not about passion, it's about bonding. Long-distance is a different beast than normal relationships are, and they require work and commitment, and sometimes that's not enough, some relationships and personalities just don't work over distance. That doesn't make them any less powerful or true relationships, just not one's that survive distance. Long distance requires a lot of patience, a lot of self-control, and forces you to learn how to approach conflict in a mature and thoughtful manner, because you can't slam a door, you have to deal with problems with words, and with an intent to actually solve them. I don't want anyone else, like, physically, as well as emotionally. I want to be with him, he wants to be with me, and we've worked to grow as people together, because otherwise the distance would naturally cause us to grow apart.

Seriously, I love that man, I don't care how far away he is.

 

[Skulltaker101]

Well, I've had mixed success.

You see, I met my first gf in Australia, and we got together only after I returned to England, promising that we'd meet again. I eventually went down to NZ (she came to visit me there once), and then a few months we broke up because she hadn't waited at all. In fact, she'd buggered off with someone else and I only got a confession once my mate in Australia showed me the evidence. So that's a bit of a no, really.

Second time, I met a girl who would later become my current girlfriend. I daresay that she's the most wonderful, sweet, intelligent lovely woman I've ever met (studying to become an engineer). I had been enrolled in Adelaide uni at the time, but I figured "we'll manage" and so it began.
Alas, my previous gf was there, and attempted to manipulate me into "hooking up". It didn't work, believe me. I stayed true and when an illness in the family meant that I had to pull up sticks and return to New Zealand, I can honestly say that I was still just as in love as I had been when first we met. We're currently celebrating 18 months together, and are now at the same university.

Moral? Well, really it depends on the people in the relationship. Madam, if you're loyal to him and he's loyal to you, then when you guys finally come together (you will, right?) then you'll always be able to say that you completed that challenge. Best of luck.

 

[ThePuzzldPirate]

I'm in one, they do work though I suggest not doing it. We have met on multiple occasions as she love the city(Vancouver) I live in. Some people say that you can lie over the distance but I don't think it is worse than face to face. You really only learn the real person after living with them for a few months. Yes, there is the physical side of things and it pops up in my head once in a while but I only want her so it wouldn't make a difference.

 

[Lunar Templar]

I don't get this at all.

I've seen another user do this too, how can you have a relationship with someone you have never met?

trust. patience. love. as cliche as it is, you get to know the person first, not their skin, and learn what THEY are like.

Except you don't. Like at all. You get to know the side of them they want you to see. It's a lot easier to hide aspects of your life when you live in another country, have no mutual acquaintances or really anything to go by at all really.

I mean what's a relationship without the physical side? I have an incredibly close friend, like a brother practically, probably closer to him and than any girlfriend I've had. Think Turk and JD, only thing that separates us from a relationship is we don't fuck each others brains out.

Also part of the fun of a relationship is about experiencing life together. Long distance all you have is telling each other about your lives. You can't go out with them on dates. Sorry if this comes across as offensive, I just get annoyed when people try to act like wanting a physical aspect to a relationship somehow lessens it.

nobody is acting like that at all. I want the physical aspect, but it's not an option right now. And maybe over the short term someone can lie, but not over the long term. long-distance relationships require patience and honesty, and isn't that what every relationship is built on?

I wouldn't call 4 years short term.

Like the other person said, you don't know what their personaility is like, only what they show you.

a lot of people seem to really dislike the idea of long-distance relationships.

It's more the thought of calling chatting with someone online for 4 years a relationship.

To me (and a few others) it isn't, you don't know what they are truly like.

you can say they same about a 'normal relationship' actually, so the point made about trust isn't any less true.

any way, i was in one for a year and a half, i didn't handle the distance well after a while :/ i just wanted to be with her, shame her job ate her life :/

 

[Fappy]

Distance has been a factor in both of my long-term relationships. My first long relationship (2 years) me and my girl friend started dating Senior year of high school and eneded up at different colleges. I visited as often as I could and we could see each other for long stretches of time over Christmas and Summer breaks, but it was still a pain in the ass.

I've graduated now and my current girlfriend (dating for 13 months now) is still in school about 2 hours from where I live. I have a 9-5 standard day-job so I get to drive up and see her almost every weekend.

I have not been in a long distance relationship I couldn't handle (me and the former girl friend broke up for completely unrelated reasons). Yeah, its hard as dick, but if there is a enough love there you can do it... within reason. Obviously there are exceptions and there is no way I would be able to stick with a relationship if I couldn't see my girl friend for ridiculousness stretches of time. Though I have turned into a hopeless sap since I have been with my current girlfriend so I can't say more distance would kill it... I am head-over-fucking-heels >.>

I am friends with two couples that are currently dealing with long distance relationships and as far as I know they are keeping strong. In both cases one of them is studying abroad (China and Japan specifically) and my buddy Andy's (who is in China) girlfriend is actually going to Grad school in Wales so I have no fucking clue when they are going to be able to see each other again. I hope they make it... Andy has mad yellow-fever! D:

 

[LiberalSquirrel]

I think you have to be very strong, and very trusting, to really make a long-distance relationship work.

Personally, I don't think I could do it. First of all, one of the best things about having a significant other is to have their physical presence. That's just part of a relationship for me. And you have to really, truly feel as though you know the person: I don't think I'd be able to do that, either.

But, OP, if you really feel that strongly about your relationship, go for it, and best of luck. The romantic in me will be cheering for you.

 

[Spinozaad]

I don't believe in e-love.

You cannot know someone you rarely see in real life. The tone of someone's voice, the cues given by body language, the pleasure of touch, and yes: the fucking.

Without these things, you can't have a solid relationship. End of story as far as I'm concerned.

Sure, you can "know" someone's back story. If they aren't lying. Go look at the Facebookprofile of one of your real life, physical friends; notice how his/her personality is far more managed than his real life version. In fact, look at your own profile. You've managed it, haven't you? You've self-fashioned an image that is kind of you, but only in a certain context.

How do you know you know your "boyfriend"? This aspect really baffles me. I believe you can hook up with people through the internet, but a relationship that only exists on the internet? Sorry, I can't believe that to really work.

As for long-distance relationships. I met my ex when we were both living in Zwolle. I moved to Groningen (to the north of Zwolle) for study, she moved to Nijmegen (to the south of Zwolle) for her study. Distance eventually killed the relationship, because we grew up and developed ourselves without the other being around. Without shared experience, the bond we had eventually dissipated.

That's vital. Shared experience.

Anyway, to each his own, even when it baffles me.

 

[Sandjube]

My best friend is in a long-distance relationship right now and I think he's an idiot for doing it.

First of all, he sucks at online communication, so I'm fucking baffled how he managed to "get" someone to fall in e-love with him. Yes, he would pay more attention to his (possible) girlfriend, but it had to have started somewhere and if he did that from the get-go just because he was talking to a girl, then he's, again, an idiot. And I'd be mad at him - but I can't exactly ask him that, can I?

Then he goes to meet her. In a Nordic country. In the worst winter in Europe in years or decades. Fucking idiot. I have been in love before, and I would not have done that. -27°C. Idiot.

And not just for a long weekend, which would have been normal and sensible (I've seen plenty of people start relationships online). No, the idiot goes there for three goddamn weeks. WTF!

and now he's broke (so no more trips soon), depressed and whining about it all the time. I have the greatest sympathy for him, because he's finally showing some goddamn emotions, but for the love of all the gods, what the fuck did he expect to happen? Surely he (and she too, for that matter) should be able to cope with it - or have thought about it beforehand. How dumb can you be?

That's still not all. 3 weeks is nothing (unless you're the friend that gets left behind...) and already they're planning to move in together (here, not in her godforsaken country, thank heavens) and have cats and whatnot. What. How the hell do I tell him he's an incredible idiot for thinking like that this soon?

Lord knows I have nothing against getting to know people online and meeting them - I've done nothing but that between ages 19 and 26. And I fell in love with 2 or 3 people (once I'd met them, mind you). But even trying a long-distance relationship based on like a year of online interaction and a brief meet is the dumbest thing I can think of. Love doesn't make anyone that blind.
In my friend's case, he should be the sensible one, too. He's 28, she turns 22 this year. She's allowed to be a dumb teenager still, he has bigger problems.

I truly wish she'd break up with him, the sooner the better. Young girl, impulsive, stupid enough to try this shit, it's not that far-fetched. Pretty please?
Yeah yeah, I know, I'm a "terrible friend", yadda yadda. Fuck that. He doesn't even really need me. He's got plenty of people. I'm constantly surprised he pays as much attention to me as he does. I'm the one who needs him - and now I get table scraps of time and attention because he has to spend all day trying his hardest to keep this fucking imitation of a relationship alive.

So yeah
Go smooch the girl next door - it's much healthier for everyone involved - even (or especially) for the tangentially involved.

...this is EXACTLY what is happening to my friend right now.... Like, are we talking about the same person or something? lol. Well not EXACTLY the same. He lives in WA and she lives in Queensland, but same deal, he had randomly met her in a game of LoL (LOL) and after like 2 months went to see her for 2 weeks, and she is moving in with him soon, already sold her house and everything, and just...what. he's also now broke from flying there and shit, and he also literally (LITERALLY) spends every waking second talking to her on skype, to the point that he almost never talks to us anymore, then gets annoyed at us for never talking to him!

Goddamn, it makes me freaking mad I tell you. I honestly hope he breaks up as well, and before she moves, so she can find another place and stuff and not end up screwed because she moved across the entire country for a guy she hardly knows.

And I give 0 shits if this makes me a bad person.

 

[Zack Alklazaris]

I have been dating my bf for 4 years now, and this weekend he came up and we met in real life.

He's now gone and after i've finished my lonely crying, i have started to wonder, how many others here are in a long-distance relationship and how you cope with it. My bf lives in america, I live in canada, so it's 8 hours to see eachother and it hasn't been easy.

off topic: Grease the skids? Capcha, what are you trying to say to me!?

In most cases long distance relationships never work. I have been in a relationship with a distance of 400 miles and 1,600 miles. Neither of them worked. It was good at first. We would talked for hours (I beat my sisters record and talked on the phone for 8 straight hours) But eventually it would dry up. It was because of the distance, but I really don't know why it was the distance. Perhaps we are the kind of creatures that need physical companionship. I'm not so much talking about sex as just having someone to look at and hold.

Eventually I decided to only get into long distance relationships that weren't "too long distance" everything fell in place. I went into a relationship with a girl I met on myspace. She lived 250 miles away. I eventually drove up to see her and then she drove down to see me. We started to live together and now we are married.

Long distance requires extra attention. You no longer can count on your kisses and hugs to show your affection to someone. That means phone calls, texts, picture messages, gifts, webcam, etc. I guess in some ways it can be more expensive. Then you gotta forgo sex which for some people is a relationship nightmare.

He sounds sweet though, so you have that going for you.

 

[Phasmal]

When I met my boyfriend he lived 500 miles away, everybody said it wouldn't work. At first we spoke all the time on webcam and were gaming together constantly.
I must admit that I didn't want to be in a long-distance relationship. I wanted to be in one I saw going somewhere, so after a few months of us visiting back-and-forth, I moved in with him. (We've been together nearly 3 years now).

Living with someone truly makes you know them IMO. Loving someone long distance is easy but loving them while picking up their dirty socks is a whole different thing. What I mean is, its easier to hide the less pleasant things about you online.

So, basically, I wouldn't consider long-distance a long-term solution. I wouldn't have been able to do it for four years.

 

[Devil'sAdvocate]

Yeah thats tough.

It has only worked for me in the past due to a strict plan to be together at some point. Managed to get through a yearlong LDR that way.

If you both live in different places and plan to visit each-other regularly you risk a transit relationship, which is worse than an LDR... That way you don't really have the chance to live your life to the fullest in the place you live, or build a life in the place your partner lives. You end up not really living anywhere, or for anything except bags and buses and planes and skype. For me it became a choice between two types of suffering: either not being with this person and having to deal with that or being with this person occasionally whilst forfeiting my own life (because I would be on the road four out of seven days a week, the rest I needed for work, study etc. So my SL took the backseat) which, naturally, made me a less attractive person to the girl in question. I had less and less to tell her as most of my existence took place at home studying, or on the road coming to see her or leaving to go back home. The time spent together was amazing but it started to take its toll, So we made a plan to be together, in one place, in a year and made it happen.

Now, five years on, Im happy to report that we want to murder each other like any happy couple
does! All worked out great! Oh relationships...

But hey, Im sure you two love each other more than anyone has ever loved another! So go for it, be together, make a plan, get a place, move to the US or get him to move to canada, both of you move to france in a little flat with a view of the Eiffel-tower with a little bakery around the corner, whatever. The world is fucking huge and if your a Westerner (or just white) you can pretty much live and work or study or even be homeless anywhere on the fucking planet! Stop whining about how hard it is! Oh boohoo, "we can't be together because..." BECAUSE WHAT? any vengeful family vendetta going on between each of your parents? No legal status? Unemployed? Just do it! You have just as much chance to end up totally unhappy with another person as much as anyone (me, jaded? NOO!?) as long as you really, really want it.

 

[Jack_Uzi]

Arkansas and Massachusetts (That is a really weird word) here. 6.5 months and still going.

We met here on the Escapist, and met in person last month.

Long distance relationships aren't easy. There's a whole new set of issues that comes with the distance. But if you truly love the person, what else are you gonna do?

I might really hate the current situation, but I wouldn't trade what I have with my boyfriend for the world.

So true. Funny enough, I met my girl on the escapist too!! Not much to add to what you've already said, know it's the same with me. Trying to be together and knowing it's going to be tough getting all things done. But it's something that I'd rather go trough than be without her. Good luck for you guys getting everything done!!!!!

 

[Don Savik]

At least some people have girlfriends.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH REALITY BURN!!!!!!


:C self-insulting humor ftw.

 

[Mr.Pandah]

I live 5 hours from my girlfriend while she goes to college and 8 when she goes back home. I used to live 24 hours away for a brief stint and didn't get to see her at all. She lived with me for about a week when I moved to my current location but she had to leave again. It sucks but we make it work as best we can.

 

[CleverNickname]

And I give 0 shits if this makes me a bad person.

It does not. They're behaving oddly, after all. All of a sudden. There's bound to be some reaction on our part...

 

[Yuno Gasai]

I think you have to be very strong, and very trusting, to really make a long-distance relationship work.

I completely agree with this, but one key factor people tend to leave out when listing qualities which are desirable in a long-distance relationship is communication.

Communication will either make or break any relationship, but I feel it's particularly important in long-distance relationships because you're lacking in your other senses.

In that respect, I believe some long-distance relationships actually end up working better than those formed at 'close range'. You're forced to learn to communicate effectively, at the risk of ruining your chances at a relationship with this person you've fallen for.

 

[EeveeElectro]

If you love someone that much, it shouldn't matter about the distance. I wouldn't call someone my boyfriend who I've never met though. I probably wouldn't say we're together until we saw each other regularly.
My last two boyfriends have been long distance, the first one didn't work out not because of the distance as he was only about an hour and half away, but because he was a ****.

The second one lived further away and it cost a bit more to see him which was quite difficult as I was a poor student when we lived apart. We kept at it and moved in together after a year.
The time you spend apart makes it more special when you see each other. I saw him at least once a week or fortnight, I couldn't manage with seeing someone once every few months like some couples do.

I know a few people who pretty much moved straight in together and that worked for them. More power to you if you think it can work.

 

[Datsle]

Met my first girlfriend online, lasted 4 years.
Wasnt long distance then- but after 6 months she moved to Australia for 9 months (Other side of the world from here)

Alittle problematic when she came back, but it all worked out-
untill we encountered the problems that come living together

Its not really a problem unless you make it one, be happy.