Most moronic ways you've ever injured yourself

[Abbyka]

In my family I'm known as the queen of klutz. I have injured myself in so many ways that I'm practically the living embodiment of "The Simpsons already did it" of injuries. Having hurt my back while gently mopping yesterday to a point I can barely walk or sit up straight I figured I'd ask everyone, what is the worst or most moronic way you've injured yourself? I'll list a few of my klutzoid gems.

A fork was stuck in the corner of the drawer so I kept yanking on it until it popped out... and went straight into my eye. Luckily I didn't lose my vision completely(but that eye is weaker now). I was 6.

A couple weeks after that healed I was running after my brother in circles around the car in the garage and we were jumping over a tree branch we pulled into the garage. I managed to trip and skin both elbows and both knees so bad that trying to move for the next week or two hurt like hell because the scabs would open up and bleed.

Tried dancing while on roller skates(stupid since I know I'm not coordinated). Fell on my knee. It took me an hour to realize something was wrong. Went to the restroom because I thought my knee was bleeding due to a strange warm sensation in my knee. But my pant leg wouldn't budge. Turns out I was as close as you can come to breaking a bone without actually doing so. My whole knee was swollen too much to remove my damn pants. I didn't start feeling the pain until my friends drove me the half hour home. By then I was in absolute agony.

I slipped on a pillow and landed on it with my elbow. Jammed it and had to wear a sling for about two weeks.

Here's the doozy. I was a brides maid at my sister's wedding. At the reception I took off my high heels because they were KILLING ME and I was NOT used to wearing them(huge tomboy. When I went to go back to my seat at the wedding party table to put the shoes on my chair I didn't see that the air conditioner was leaking and managed to slip and fall in the puddle it created. As I fell my arm draped over the back of a chair and I came down HARD. This forced my arm up and over my head at high speed, which created tiny fractures throughout my rotators cuff(so small they didn't even see it in the xrays or cat scans). Exploratory surgery two years later finally revealed I had teeny tiny pieces of bone imbedding in the surrounding muscle, which is why I was in so much agony for years after the accident(still am admittedly). Sister claimed I ruined her wedding, family dubbed me the biggest klutz ever, and I won a lawsuit cuz that shit really truly was NOT my fault.

And recently I had surgery to remove my gallbladder so I was hopped up on pain medicine. Went to put my shirt on quickly and managed to jab myself in the eye with my thumb. WORST PAIN EVER and I've given birth. They described it like having a flap of skin because I managed to slice myself in such a way that it was clearly visible without them even having to do much else other than shine a light in my eye.

Can anyone top me? I have more stories though. lol

 

[soren7550]

Years back, I was feeling ill, so I figured a shower would be a good pick me up. It wasn't, and I knew I was going to throw up, but I didn't want to throw up all over myself, so I figure 'I know, I'll throw up in the drain!'.

That didn't work out to well, as the force of all that vomit rapidly trying to make its way out caused me to buckle, causing me to smash my face into the knobs as I started blowing chunks.

 

[Abbyka]

Years back, I was feeling ill, so I figured a shower would be a good pick me up. It wasn't, and I knew I was going to throw up, but I didn't want to throw up all over myself, so I figure 'I know, I'll throw up in the drain!'.

That didn't work out to well, as the force of all that vomit rapidly trying to make its way out caused me to buckle, causing me to smash my face into the knobs as I started blowing chunks.

I almost did that once. Luckily I wasn't alone in the shower. That sounds sexier than it actually was. It really wasn't. But yeah, lucky I had my husband in there holding my hair back. And it was kind of self inflicted. My dmbass drank way too much after a long time of not touching alcohol.

 

[GrumbleGrump]

Easy. I once was playing Soul Reaver II in the fire forge and during the scene where you activate the forge I just faked a surprised reaction in sarcasm (since I found it so very fun). The result was my neck just paralizing in pain, teaching me to not be a fucking idiot. I had to cock my head to the side in order to stop the pain.

So... /thread?

 

[murrow]

Once upon a time, when I was a child, I was riding my bike and stopped when I got home. AFTER I stopped I somehow managed to fall while dismounting, my leg got stuck in the bike's gears and in a twist of fate I got a series of parallel cuts in my thigh. They were beautiful in a sort of creepy way: so symmetrical you'd think I had carved them like that on purpose. Anyway, they were quite deep and left me with scars I carry to this day. People who see them think I must have gotten them in a very painful accident, like getting trapped in an industrial machine or something. When I tell them I got them from falling from my bike they imagine myself rolling down a hill or getting hit by a bus while riding. In fact, the reality is so stupid I normally fake vagueness and let them believe in their imagination.

There was also another tine, when I was very little (around 5) and my grandma had bought one of those fancy ceramic knives. The first time I saw that white, plastic-like blade in the drawer I was so intrigued that I had to pick it up and see if it was real. It looked so much like a toy, what could I do? Anyway, I tried slashing it against my palm and - surprise, surprise - it was so sharp I felt nothing. Convinced that it was just a fake, I gave it a feel more slashes, put it back in the drawer and left the kitchen content. Seconds later blood started gushing out of my hand. I was a very stupid child...

 

[Abbyka]

There was also another tine, when I was very little (around 5) and my grandma had bought one of those fancy ceramic knives. The first time I saw that white, plastic-like blade in the drawer I was so intrigued that I had to pick it up and see if it was real. It looked so much like a toy, what could I do? Anyway, I tried slashing it against my palm and - surprise, surprise - it was so sharp I felt nothing. Convinced that it was just a fake, I gave it a feel more slashes, put it back in the drawer and left the kitchen content. Seconds later blood started gushing out of my hand. I was a very stupid child...

lol I did that with one of my sister's pink razors. Mom flipped the hell out when she came in to check on me and saw blood everywhere.

 

[renegade7]

We were playing "catch the supercapacitor" in the lab once.

I lost.

 

[KyuubiNoKitsune-Hime]

Oh these threads are great.

I was an avid rollerblading kid, I took a turn way too hard once and landed on my palms. I was young enough when this happened too. Instead of breaking my wrist I actually bent one of the bones in my forearm, that's right. No fractures, the bone actually bent. I had to wear a splint for months to straighten the bone back out. Actually the worse part of that was the embarrassment from a nurse admonishing my mom for letting me dress like a girl and have long hair. What a *****.

I once threw a dual shock down so hard it bounced back up and hit me in the eye with tremendous force with one of the grips. Nice black eye from that.

Between all of my fingers I have scars from cutting my self with very sharp scissors. I literally cannot cut somethings without getting my hand in the way. The exception is the scar between my left thumb and index finger, that's from sheathing katana the samurai way.

I have a dent in my shin bone from banging it into a coffee table. Literally in the exact place my dad has a dent in his, from banging his shin on the exact same coffee table, at the same age I was when it happened. Same leg too. My grandmother would have laughed her self to death over that had she been alive to see it.

I once got a black eye from getting a scope to the eye, when not holding a rifle correctly when taking a shot. That's one that taught an important lesson, hold the rifle correctly.

I when I was younger I broke a Gameboy and two fingers by punching the thing as hard as I could. I was rather pissed at the game I was playing. Luckily at that point I literally had over a dozen other Gameboys. (Stupid relatives kept buying them for me thinking I wanted one, when I had one, then several. Still one of the oddest birthdays when I got 4 all at once.)

The best one ever for me was sliding on a carpet on a hard floor at a daycare center as a kid, slammed right eyebrow first into the counter, cutting my right eyebrow wide open. My parents had to miss their marriage counselling appointment to take me to the hospital to get stitches. When they did the stitches it arched my eyebrows up, people kept saying I looked like a Vulcan/Spock.

 

[Abbyka]

I have a dent in my shin bone from banging it into a coffee table. Literally in the exact place my dad has a dent in his, from banging his shin on the exact same coffee table, at the same age I was when it happened. Same leg too. My grandmother would have laughed her self to death over that had she been alive to see it

I have a dent on both shins from falling on the playground in the SAME SPOT twice. Inner side of both my salves. One is way worse than the other. My mom puked when she saw the first one because it was the worst and my leg was so badly dent inwards. Luckiyl no broken bones. Doc called it a bone bruise.

I when I was younger I broke a Gameboy and two fingers by punching the thing as hard as I could. I was rather pissed at the game I was playing. Luckily at that point I literally had over a dozen other Gameboys. (Stupid relatives kept buying them for me thinking I wanted one, when I had one, then several. Still one of the oddest birthdays when I got 4 all at once.)

This reminds me of an anger management lesson I had when I was a preteen. Used to share a room with my little brother and he was a fucking HORRID room mate. He was gross and wouldn't sleep without the tv or lights being on. I got so pissed at him one night I kicked the underside of the top bunk of our bunk beds. STUPID MOVE! Not only did it not wake him up but it also broke two of my toes in the process.

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

I've taken a back legged roundhouse kick to the head because I blocked with my face.

I regularly wake up with a stiff neck, which means I'm acquiring sleep related injuries.

I don't think the two are connected...

When I was little, I tried cutting a dog bone in half with a steak knife so the two dogs could share it.
I got a giant gash on my left index finger instead, which is probably the best case scenario in that situation.

 

[Sleepy Sol]

I ran into a chain link fence and cut open my forehead badly when I was three years old or something. Required stitches. Work of a genius in the making. Other than that, self-inflicted moronic injuries are pretty rare for me. Almost nonexistent.

 

[Fiz_The_Toaster]

I think I was eleven at the time and I decided to climb over a fence/wall that was made out of cinderblocks. I just wanted to get home and I figured climbing over it would be the fastest way to get home since I didn't want to walk around the huge park near my home.

So, I climbed over the wall and I noticed that the part of the wall that I was climbing over wasn't sturdy at all. It was fairly obvious that it wasn't safe, but I figured I was fine. I realized my mistake after I fell over the other side of the wall and into a bougainvillea.

I looked like I was thrown into a sack of angry cats and lost. >.>

 

[DementedSheep]

Recently I jumped onto bed and had forgotten that my folder was on it. It bounced into my face and gave me a bruise across the bridge of my nose. I also get bruises on my hip when I walk into my chest of drawers. You would think I would learn but no.

When I was little I was playing with a carving knife and somehow managed to stab myself right above the eye. I was very lucky I missed it. I knew wasn't suppose to playing with knives and didn't want to get in trouble so I sneaked past my dad intending to go to my grandmother, who I figure would be more sympathetic, for help. When my dad left his office he saw the trail of blood I left behind and followed it. He found me at the bottom of stairs crying because I had so much blood in my eyes I couldn't see.
I still feel like I should apologise for that every time it get bought up. Adult nightmare right there.

I hurt myself (but didn't break any bones) jumping off a roof onto trampoline and I also managed to knee myself in the jaw and cut my lip with my teeth on a trampoline. I played the Bunsen burner game a couple of times (Kids, don't do that. If you're going to play pain tolerance games, which you shouldn't, don't do ones that involve fire).

 

[Fox12]

I managed to punch myself in the crotch once.

Not nearly as bad as your stories, but my roomate has told me some weird stories about when I sleep. Once he was staying up late on his lap top. He looked over, and I slowly lifted my arm in the air, and held it there for five minutes. He watched for a while, until I finally said something inaudible and proceeded to punch myself in the face. Then I snored.

 

[KyuubiNoKitsune-Hime]

I managed to punch myself in the crotch once.

Not nearly as bad as your stories, but my roomate has told me some weird stories about when I sleep. Once he was staying up late on his lap top. He looked over, and I slowly lifted my arm in the air, and held it there for five minutes. He watched for a while, until I finally said something inaudible and proceeded to punch myself in the face. Then I snored.

Punching yourself in the face while you sleep? That's pretty bizarre, funny too.

Also anyone who builds computers fairly often might be able to back me up on this. Everything inside that case is waiting to cut your hands up, keep super glue and alcohol pads on hand to disinfect and seal up those wounds.

 

[Scarim Coral]

Well one time I kind of wreak up my right toe nail just cos I kind of make a sharp turn when heading downstair (I swinbg my left lefy and my heel part of the foot hit the right toe).

Also another time, I bruise my stomach by trying to jump throught this hole with a bunch of ropes roped around this tree (it was training exercise). Needless to say my plan didn't work as my stomach got caught in on of the rope and it swing my back where I started from! This was in High school by the way!

 

[Beffudled Sheep_v1legacy]

One time after a rain storm I got bored and went to my friend's house. He wasn't home so I decided to amuse myself by walking on the solid iron bar that was part of a small fence in front of his house.
Did I mention it was after a rain storm? I'm sure y'all can see what happened next. I didn't walk for two weeks after I slipped.
One more time I was in front of that same friend's house, I went to run across thenstreet without looking and I got hit by a cop car. The bastard took off! I was fine though, not even bruised.

Most recently, I was bicycle racing a yoinger cousin back home. We were on seperate sides of the street, and his side was the one home was at. So I cut across the street as quickly as I could, masterfully dodging a speeding SUV, and then braking too fast to avoid crashing into a solid stone mailbox at top speed.
I, uh, I went flying in the air about 10 or so feet and all 300lbs of me slammed into a concrete driveway at very high speeds.
I was fine though, other than being a bit winded.

 

[gigastar]

I have a depressing tendancy to burn myself on things. Often things that i know have been in a fire or fresh from the oven.

At least i have no burn scars.

 

[CrystalShadow]

I have a remarkable capacity to avoid actually hurting myself, in spite of the fact that I can trip over literally nothing, lose my balance for no reason, drop stuff without warning, and generally be totally clumsy.

However, I did manage to stub the same toe 3 or 4 times on the same thing...
Once so hard I think I may have broken something...
It still hurts now...

And what is it I stubbed my toe on, you might ask?

The wall... >_<

Yes, I stubbed my little toe on the corner of a wall... XD

What is that even about... >_<