Most moronic ways you've ever injured yourself

[kris40k]

When I was a young kid, maybe 6 or 7, I was riding my bike when I decided to see if I could fit my foot in between the spokes of my front wheel while coasting along.[footnote]Yes, yes I could.[/footnote] Got banged up when the bike flipped and twisted my ankle up a bit, but nothing permanent other than an interest in physics.

Older, while at home while heavily inebriated with a bunch of friends. Decided to jump over a couch to tackle one of said friends. Running at the coach from the back, I planted one foot on the back of the couch, jumped forward and up, and managed to headbutt the blades of the ceiling fan. Broke the ceiling fan, and had a bit of a bump, but otherwise OK.

 

[Abbyka]

Oh I remembered another one. I tried playing stunt man with my brother once and we set up a broken table in the backyard as a ramp. It only had two legs left on it so we thought it was perfect. Took a full blown sprint towards it intending to run up it and jump off at the top. Didn't realize my weight would cause it to topple over when I got to the top of it. Landed on my head and the table scraped my ring finger and middle finger from the base all the way up to my finger nails. And picture day at school was like a day or two after this happened but no one thought to have my cover the injury with my other hand so it's perfectly visible in my first grade school photo.

 

[infohippie]

Some of these stories are making me cringe, especially OP's. D:

Fortunately, I have managed to avoid too many dumb, self-inflicted injuries over my life, but a few do stand out. One was when I was about four years old and I was at the local park with my mum and baby sister. I was at the top of a moderately large slide, and my mum was busy with my sister. I wanted her to watch me slide, so I leaned over the railing to call out to her. I leaned a little too far though, and tumbled over, landing on the ground chin-first and driving my two top teeth into the inside of my mouth below my lip and right through the other side. I still have a scar there underneath my bottom lip almost forty years later.

A more recent one was just a couple of months ago, when I almost tore my nipple off. I had my nipples pierced many years ago, and they healed nicely and never gave me any trouble. However, when I got out of the shower a few months ago I somehow misjudged the position of the door and scraped my chest along the edge of it, quite by accident. I was getting out in one quick move, though, so that was enough for the (metal) edge of the screen to catch underneath one side of one piercing and rip it most of the way out so that my nipple was hanging off by one edge of skin. D: It surprisingly did not hurt very much, but there was a LOT of blood pouring down my chest. I removed the stud, pressed the nipple back into place, slathered it with disinfectant and covered it tightly. For the next two weeks I changed the dressing daily, and it has actually healed up really well. There is still a bit of the edge yet to finish closing, but it has not gotten infected at all and has almost closed up completely. Now I am pierced on only one side, but I don't plan on re-piercing the damaged one.

 

[Spaceman Spiff]

My mishaps don't hold a candle to many of these, but here they are-

As an idiot kid, I was enrolled in a summer day-care because my parents both worked during the day. One day there was a field trip, though I don't recall where. At the tail end of it we stopped for lunch on a park area. Somebody was blowing bubbles and as easily amused kids we were chasing them. I ended up chasing a rogue bubble over a small ledge and face-planted into the sidewalk below. luckily some of the rest of my body helped brake my fall. I had a huge bruise on my face and one of my elbows was a bit torn up. That built some character.

In high school I managed to break my finger in flag football. I jumped up to pick off a pass and jammed my ring finger into another kid's back. I went to the school nurse who recommended ice on it and suggested it was just a sprain, despite it's obvious crookedness. Later at home, both of my parents decided it wasn't broken and didn't need to be set. I ended up pseudo-setting it myself with medical tape and some kind of stick. That finger is still crooked to this day.

A bit later in life I worked at a privately owned pizzeria. At the tail end of one shift we decided to do time trial sprints around the building despite it being winter. I was the third out three to go and had no running/tennis shoes so I borrowed a friend's that were a couple sizes too big. I got to the final stretch behind the building when I slipped on some ice and fell into the asphalt. It knocked the wind out of me, but I narrowly missed a dumpster and a septic tank cover, so I guess I was lucky. I walked away with many bruises and scraped knees and elbows. I did get some sympathy sex from it though.

At the same job not long after, I burned off one of my knuckles with a roman candle. It was near July 4th and there was a fireworks stand nearby. Somebody bought some and we were lighting them off. As I lit the roman candle, the fuse burned bigger and brighter than expected and burned a significant chunk of my thumb knuckle. As a cook, work was very awful for a few weeks after that.

Lastly at my current job: I was picking up blueprints in our conference room, because the owner is messy and there was an upcoming meeting. Upon picking up a very light set, I twisted my back in some awful way. I ended up lying on the floor of my office in excruciating pain for a couple hours. Just sitting in a chair made my back seize up and cripple me. After a couple hours I loosened up enough to sit upright and continued working. I ducked out a couple hours early and went home to bed. In the early evening I awoke, but couldn't get out of bed. After some strategic rolling I went to the ER. After 3 hours of mostly waiting and answering the same questions 5 times to 5 different people, I was sent home with some muscle relaxers. I took one sick day after to help recover and was back at work the following day. It took about 6 months to fully shake it off.

Edit: I also sprained my thumb on a door handle. I was kicking snow off of my shoes at my front door, slipped off of the metal plate in the bottom of the door frame and caught myself on the door handle with mostly my thumb. My girlfriend at the time thought it was hilarious and kept smacking it once she knew.

 

[Abbyka]

Some of these stories are making me cringe, especially OP's. D:

Fortunately, I have managed to avoid too many dumb, self-inflicted injuries over my life, but a few do stand out. One was when I was about four years old and I was at the local park with my mum and baby sister. I was at the top of a moderately large slide, and my mum was busy with my sister. I wanted her to watch me slide, so I leaned over the railing to call out to her. I leaned a little too far though, and tumbled over, landing on the ground chin-first and driving my two top teeth into the inside of my mouth below my lip and right through the other side. I still have a scar there underneath my bottom lip almost forty years later.

I actually have a similar scar under my bottom lip. I don't actually remember getting it though, but I'll try to remember the story my mom told me about how it happened. We were in an airplane(forget where we were going, we traveled/moved a lot due to my dad being in the military) and I was about two or three at the time. I had fallen asleep and my older sister was supposed to be keeping an eye on me. But she didn't do that great of a job because she forgot to buckle me in. We either hit some turbulence or were in the process of landing, I can't recall, but I fell forward and landed face first onto the floor(we were the first row of seats so, unfortunately for me, there was no seat in front of me to cushion my fall). Sent my bottom teeth through my lip. I still have a scar, but since it's in the crease between my lips and chin it's mostly unnoticeable unless you know it's there.

Which also reminds me of the scars ON my bottom lip(also unnoticeable unless you know where to look and I kind of push my lip out with my tongue a bit). I was holding my cat while talking to my mom just inside the door to her bedroom one night. Hallway behind me was dark so my brother decided to play a prank on me by sneaking down the hall breathing like Darth Vader. It didn't phase me but it scared the SHIT out of the cat. She spazzed and climbed UP my face to get away. Luckily it was only my lip that scarred because she also got me above my eye and on my cheek as well. D: He felt really bad about it though because there was a LOT of blood.

 

[Kyrian007]

I'll try to make it short. I was invited by a girl to a "workout date" at her daddy's health club (private and super-upscale.) All the other guys = mostly out of shape skinny pencil pusher types (but all easily far more wealthy than I'll ever be.) I HAD been athletic, 1 year removed. In high school, track, football... pretty fit. But after freshman year of college, the closest thing to a workout I had that year was a weekly racquetball game. So, when that summer I was on the "workout date" I was lifting way more and looking way more badass than all the "wimps" around me. However as I reclined on the couch in her room to rest as she "slipped on something more comfortable" something pretty dreadful was happening to me. I had SERIOUSLY overdone my workout in an attempt to look studly. My muscles locked into the position I was in and any attempt to move was met with seriously painful muscle cramping. She came out of her bathroom "very comfortable" but I found that looking manly and badass in the gym is one thing, but crying and whimpering unable to move on a girl's couch rather defeats the effort. If I have one piece of advice to give anyone... don't go on a workout date.

 

[Amazilia]

I was at a friend's house and we were eating licorice. This was in the 90's so it was normal to have a carpet everywhere. I slipped on a licorice and my head hit the door frame. There was blood everywhere.

 

[kasperbbs]

When i was around 4 i decided to play with my moms sewing machine and pierced my finger through the nail, i cried all day..
Recently a machine at work that melts plastic tapes together broke down and i decided to lean on top of it with one hand while fixing it with the other and i managed to put my hand on the tiny spot that did the melting.. I don't know which was worse, the pain or the smell of burning flesh.

 

[DrownedAmmet]

I have two scars on my hands from when I lost a game of Madden when I was about 12, punched my fists into the air and smashed my light fixture, raining glass shards all over my bed.

That one is fun to explain to new girlfriends

 

[Someone Depressing]

I stapled my Higher level essay (I think it was on something like nostalgia filters regarding comments passed by the older generation on modern cinema or something dumb like that?) to my forehead.

Believe it or not I passed the exam. There was just so, so much blood. I can't even remember how it happened, just that I'd won a bet. Chalk it up to the blood loss.

 

[Random Argument Man]

I almost died a few times. There's a lot of accidents that I could've prevented, but my bike accident was probably the one I still feel stupidest.

I was 14. There's an avenue that goes downhill from where I come from that there's a stop sign for every corner of the street. I never stopped. You hear about cyclist getting hit by cars, but you rarely hear about a cyclist hitting a car. I flew over the car and crashed on the ground so hard. I had a broken wrist, my leg was heavily bruised and I had a small concussion. The cops told me that I would've been dead if it wasn't for my 1. Timing (A little too soon, I would've been hit by the car) 2. The fact that I had a helmet. I saw the helmet. I believe them.


Still feel like an idiot not just because of the accident, but because my mom rushed to the hospital when she wasn't supposed to drive at the moment. (She had a major surgery before).

It's not the first time my mom went to the hospital because I had a major accident. Although, it was the last and I intend to keep it that way.

 

[Abbyka]

Just remembered I once dropped a sewing needle with thread on it attached to a sewing project I was doing while walking... Ended up stepping on it and the needle hit the bone in my big toe. T_T

Also stepped on a stick while removing my shoe at Six Flags to go into one of the water park areas. Stick went halfway through my foot and became really infected. I now have a fear of people touching my feet or injuries involving my feet because of that. Mostly due to how the doctors decided to "care" for the injury. They didn't bother numbing it properly and dug into the wound to get out splinters and wash it out. Took like four nurses and other docs to hold me down. I was about 14 or so at the time.

 

[CrazyGirl17]

I stapled my own finger once. I was trying to open the top and stupidly thought I could use the bottom part... yeah, bad idea.

 

[Ygrez]

When I was 8 or so, my dad invited me to play some darts, was doing okay, but at one point I didn't release the dart until I had finished the throwing motion and so I threw it into my foot.

 

[Vicarious Reality]

When reading this thread i consider myself fortunate that i have only burnt off the skin from my hand with gunpowder, cut my nerves in my fingetip by dropping a sword on it, closed an air rifle on the web of my thumb, electroshocked myself across the heart and thusly the room, crushed my little finger in a door, flayed the skin off my knuckles by a falling window and damaged my spine