Army of Two: The Devil's Cartel: I read a review that essentially said, "half of this game's dialogue is monosyllabic grunts," and that is pretty accurate. Your purpose is to stop some guy who is working with some cartel somehow, which is bad for some reason. All of the characters are horrible stereotypes and archetypes, but I am honestly unsure if that is due to racism and homophobia, or the developers being too fucking retarded to create distinct characters. Its developers followed a Malibu Stacy doll's credo, "thinking gives you wrinkles!" I hope the upcoming sequel to Rise of the Triad will parody this type of stupid Gears of War and Call of Duty clone, just as the original parodied Doom clones. Doom clones were at least distinguishable, whereas these Call of Duty and Gears of War clones look, feel and sound the same.
Both Dragon Age games, though the first one worked in context: I will start with the second one, a plot so terrible and inane that it is a mere thousand times better than M. Night Shyamalan's best movie. Dragon Age 2 is %90 wandering around a dull, featureless city, doing inane tasks for idiots, or as I call it, my daily life. You get no sense of accomplishment, power, relevance, scope or anything else that makes good games involving. Games are escapism: We use them to distract from the horror and tedium of daily life, which is why we enjoy playing the powerful warrior who saves or destroys the world. Nothing you do matters in the game: You buy a mine, it collapses; you collect a treasure, it gets stolen; you stop the Klingons from conquering the city, but the factions who remain are even worse. You just meander around until the endgame, which is a conflict that only affects a few city blocks, is not really affected by the presence of your characters, and makes you choose between two sides who are genocidal lunatics.
Dragon Age: Origins's plot works in context, but everyone who called it a ripoff of Lord of the Rings was right. Boromir did not want to take the throne, but his crazy father died and he realized that his role was more important than his petty concerns; Alistair did not want to take the throne, but his crazy father died and he realized that his role was more important than his petty concerns. Anyone who gets the One Ring is inevitably corrupted, but less so the Hobbits, who are resistant but eventually succumb to temptation; anyone who is infected with the Darkspawn blight dies immediately, except for a few men who are resistant but eventually succumb and die after a few years. Wearing the One Ring puts you in an alternate dimension where you are invisible to humans, but vulnerable to Nazgul; entering the Fade puts your mind in an alternate dimension where your body is asleep on Earth, but your soul is vulnerable to demons in purgatory. Gandalf and the armies of Middle Earth distract the forces of Sauron at Mordor so Sam and Frodo can destroy the ring; the amassed armies of Thedas distract the enemies at Lothering, if I remember the name correctly so the characters can fight the enemy leader. Dwarves and elves are the same as in Lord of the Rings; there is a long, tedious detour through a dwarven mine; the mage tower is invaded and has to be saved, like the Shire; you get the idea.
I love the Zelda games, they are some of my favorites--they are exciting, imaginative, colorful, fun and charming--but the plots and tutorials are incredibly tedious. They have iterated at least six times that Gannon is a God, a fact which does not affect the games in any way. I like games that allow me to learn things by myself, which is why I love The Real Texas despite its horrible flaws, but the 3D Zelda games force me to sit through boring, badly-written five hour long tutorials before I can get to the action. My favorite Zeldas are the first three, which just throw me into a big, open world and let me figure out the rules. Zelda 2, my favorite of the series lets me start the action simply by walking ten feet to the side. I hope the upcoming sequel to Link to the Past will be paced like the old games.
