Rem45, First you say
Rem45 said:
I did nothing wrong. I've blown about $2000 on her the last 3 months, I drive her [everywhere]...
And then you further explain...
Rem45 said:
I've spent the money because I wanted to.
And yet you mentioned your expenses on this girl in the first place. If it wasn't an issue, it wouldn't be necessary to indicate you treat her right. To those of us under the poverty line, $2000 is a ridiculous amout to spend on a loved one, short of getting, maybe,
the ring. Considering that you've been with her for
only three months, it sounds clearly like you're drunk on the honeymoon.[footnote]Incidentally, no one had yet even hinted that you did something wrong, or some how deserved to be betrayed.[/footnote]
And this is why a slight betrayal, such as a kiss, might seem so heart-rending.
You've gotten some good suggestions (and some responses with which I'd certainly disagree, or would think premature). I'll try to cover some of the gaps.
1. When it comes to relating to others, it's a good idea to establish early on what is off limits. Even Guinevere would reward the best knight and victor of a tournament with a heartfelt kiss, and with Arthur's blessing. Even within the mainstream culture[footnote]I give this disclaimer because there are plenty of
fringe cultures in which sex and romance are significantly more open, ranging from full on swinging or polyamory to open-season holidays, designated bits on the side, falatio-but-no-intercourse, intercourse-but-no-love, and so on.[/footnote] there's a wide spectrum of what is considered acceptable or not, where the most stringent couples don't allow mere conversation with the opposite sex, and relaxed couples will allow anything short of genital contact with friends of the couple. But the sooner you draw the line, the plainer it is when you or your partner has crossed it, and the more second thoughts will happen before it does. On the other hand...
2. Accept that not all of us are not entirely in control of our faculties, especially when it comes to sex. In contrast to the above, plenty of people, men and women alike, will be happily married or otherwise steady in a monogamous relationship and then will find someone
with whom they just plain cannot help themselves. Drinking and carousing certainly elevates the likelihood, but isn't necessary if the chemistry (and often it
is pure chemistry) is just right. This is one of the reasons our species has survived for millennia. It's also one of the reasons that STI pathogens prevail when monogamy is our only defense. If you are aiming for a long term relationship (which you may not, see below), you have to recognize that
neither of you will be anywhere near perfect, and should be allowed to fuck up now and again. (The threshold when it's too much is up to the couple, of course.)
3. One step at a time. Three months barely counts as a relationship. She's still your
new girlfriend. Your summer fling. If you guys are still together after eight months to a year,
then you can start thinking about handfasting or engagement. But right now, you barely know each other, and are certainly still lovedrunk. Mark the anniversaries (first week, first month, first season, first year). If at all these times you both are still madly in love, then you can think about it. But consider that she kissed someone and you flipped (without imposing judgement on either), that's the first ping that not all is perfect; either she needs to be less forward, or you need to be less suspicious. Speaking of which:
4. Suspicious love sucks. A relationship in which you distrust your partner will eat away at you (and can lead to really creepy, dysfunctional interdependent behaviors). If you really cannot trust her, then its over. If it's because she's really not trustworthy (e.g. she's unwilling to address her issues and make efforts to change) then go find a partner who is. If it's because you cannot help but be suspicious then
don't get into close relationships until you can learn to trust. If you
can trust her, then
really trust her. Let her be responsible for her half of the relationship, e.g. her behavior around other men, frugality with money, voicing concerns and so on. The flip side (what keeps us honest) is:
5. Maintaining deception and secrets sucks too. Part of my joy of being in a relationship (if not for most of us) is the ability to completely let my guard down. I can talk about anything with my partner. I can express my true feelings about anything, whether it's her (baseless) weight issues, her codependence with her family, my insecurity about my naivete, my issues with tidiness, our scary neighbors, our hot neighbor, my wish that we'd game together more, and so on. Once I have a secret to keep, once I have to maintain a lie, I
never get to relax that way again.[footnote]
Cheating in the twenty-first century is less about sex and more about deception. This is partially due to the growing number of open relationships out there, but also due to the fact that betrayal comes in many forms, only one of which might be getting a bit on the side. Another might be misappropriating the family funds. Another might be tapping in on your partner's internet privacy.[/footnote] From then on, I will always be keeping up a facade, and the person she loves isn't
me but a mask I wear. And
that is what keeps us honest.[footnote]It's also what keeps the dishonest miserable.[/footnote]
238U.
