My Girlfriend Cheated on Me

[brubobaggins]

*snip*

Everything this man says is truth.
I built another bathroom onto my house for around $2,100 and I paid someone to put all the plumbing and electrical work in.
Or think of it in gaming terms that's like 32 brand new console released.

You could've bought 32 video games! With tax!

More like 19 games (yay for overpriced Australian games/everything!)...

Speaking as someone from the other side of the looking-glass, that is to say I've cheated on past girlfriends I've had, I say it's probably best to end it now. In my first relationship, after going out for about 1.5 years I kissed, just kissed(!) a German girl when I was on exchange, and very, VERY drunk (think about 2 bottles of cheap champagne drank in the space of 20 minutes, for starters). Now I was 18 and there were other issues with the relationship but I told her about it the next day, because I felt terrible, I loved that girl immensely and I felt awful for doing that. She didn't take it very well but we stayed together for another 5 months, whereupon I ended it with her because, that compounded with the other stuff made for a pretty unhealthy relationship... and that was hard, believe me.

My second serious girlfriend that I got with about a year after I broke up with that one, we were going out for a good 2 years before I ended up with a drunken Swede following me home and making out with me, after I'd been found in a garden recently showered after throwing up on myself (I swear I'm not an alcoholic, these are probably the worst times I've gotten drunk ever). Again, I felt awful about what had happened, and I told her the next day, again. She was furious, but forgave me, and we stayed together for another excruciating 3 months... before she broke up with me, which I took pretty hard...

Point I'm trying to make is that, I hated myself for what happened, both those times, I loved my girls sincerely. But when that happened, I couldn't see it at the time but... if that happens that means that something's wrong. I did it because I probably wasn't ready for such commitment when I was that age, but I was too spineless to break up with the girl. Not that I was thinking that, but in hindsight that was probably why it happened.

Long story short, end it now. You may be able to get a few more months out of this, but eventually the trust, now broken, is going to become an issue. It'll happen eventually, so you may as well end things to save the both of you. And this is assuming that what happened was just a little accident. Combined with everything else you've said (i.e. the fact that she said she'd be with him if she wasn't going out with you) makes me think that ending it now is probably the best thing to do... it's not easy, but you'll ride it out.

 

[cairocat]

I SPOON HER EVERY NIGHT EVEN THOUGH I WAKE UP WITH A NUMB ARM! Like Jesus...

Thank you, internet, I'm now picturing Jesus spooning with a numb arm.

 

[HellenicWarrior]

Break up with her and don't look back. No second question about it.

 

[Vault Citizen]

End it now, trust is very important for a relationship to work, if you can't trust her not to do it again then you shouldn't go further with the relationship.

 

[Phenakist]

Dude, simple fact is, she told you, that in it's self is worth putting it under the carpet, I had vaguely similar situation around the same time in my relationship, I know what it's like, things just start to get nice and comfy and steady and then that comes along.

So just talk it over, but put a dusting of guilt over it, just a teeeeeenie bit, in an "I would never do that to you" angle, should stop it from happening again.

Ignore all the cynicism from the rest of the internet, just go with whatever you think's right, asking the internet will just make all those silly thoughts bigger.

Talk and forgive her. You won't regret it.

 

[Baby Tea]

She told you, probably because she feels guilty. It's not gonna be easy to rebuild trust, but for god's sake it's just a kiss. Forgive her and move on. Especially if: "she was so perfect too." If that's the case then you can't let little kiss that she felt bad about later ruin you're relationship. People make mistakes, that's part of being human.

I would say 'this', but there are some conditions.

Yes, it was 'just a kiss', but the action itself is almost irrelevant. It's the fact that he trusted her completely before, and now he simply can't. The trust is broken, and that's a big deal. She's obviously not 'perfect' either, if she said she could have stopped it but didn't. Wanting it is one issue, as we'll all meet multiple people we're attracted to. It's acting on those impulses when someone else is trusting you to act appropriately.

She totally screwed up.

If you think you can forgive her, then do it. But I'd watch her more if I were you. Not in an over-bearing way, but I'd ask a few more questions about where she's going or hanging out. You don't have to be a jerk about it, but she's got to understand that she broke that trust, and now she's got to win it back.

If she can't deal with that, or if you can't forgive her, then end it.
It sucks, but trust is a pivotal foundation in any relationship.

 

[Dr. Feelgood]

People never change. Before you know it, she'll be back to the same 'ol thing.

In other words: IT'S A TRAP!!!

 

[Thyunda]

This is gonna sound harsh, but I'm with the 'leave her' crowd. She's gonna be his little trophy kiss - "Yeah, I made out with that girl even though she has a boyfriend. And the poor sucker's still driving her places and buying her shit."
I'm a proud person. I wouldn't be able to take that. If you're a little more modest, then I suppose you could try and work through it...but to me, there doesn't sound like there's anything to work towards. You spoon her all night, you say? Even I can't do that. I pull back when I start getting pins and needles.
But in truth, what CAN you work towards? If there were genuinely no real issues before this, then the only thing you can do is say "don't cheat on me again. In fact. Why did you even do it in the first place?"

I was cheated on before by an ex of mine. I forgave her and gave her another chance. Then she just started taking the piss. Yeah, I forgave her for cheating on me, and she read that as "Now I can treat him however I want because he won't leave me for anything."

You do not want to get into that.

 

[Flare Phoenix]

Dude, simple fact is, she told you, that in it's self is worth putting it under the carpet, I had vaguely similar situation around the same time in my relationship, I know what it's like, things just start to get nice and comfy and steady and then that comes along.

So just talk it over, but put a dusting of guilt over it, just a teeeeeenie bit, in an "I would never do that to you" angle, should stop it from happening again.

Ignore all the cynicism from the rest of the internet, just go with whatever you think's right, asking the internet will just make all those silly thoughts bigger.

Talk and forgive her. You won't regret it.

The fact that she told him doesn't make what she did right; it just means she wasn't as bad as she could have been. However, I agree with you that he should at least talk it out with her before dumping her on the spot. From what he has described, she is really into this other guy so it might be for the best if he lets her go. I know I wouldn't want to be with someone who felt I was standing in the way of them being with someone else.

 

[Macgyvercas]

Crap, where the devil is Aylaine when you need her most. She would be the perfect person to ask about this.

As for me, I say give her another chance, as it was just a kiss. If it had gone farther than that, then you might have a real problem (not that you don't already, but you get my point).

 

[A-D.]

Honestly? Adopt the "Eye for an Eye"-Policy i use. It works really well. Just lay down the singular groundrule that anything she does with somebody else, you are allowed to just as well for the exact same time. If she fucked 2 Guys for example, you get 2 Girls to fuck without her being able to say ANYTHING to you about it, after all, she started it. It also works the other way around, if you are unfaithful to her, she gets a free ticket for one fuck just the same.

Used that for Years, set the rules straight from the start and never had the Issue with them cheating on me or me cheating on them. Im not a jealous Person so i take it more practical, if she does it, then i should be allowed to as well. Usually that knowledge will keep them from ever doing it in the first place, or if so, be as discreet as possible that no one would ever find out.

If you need to prove your Point to her, Kiss a friend, female one if possible, her Mother or Sister if she has one, though you should inform them of that fact first, i.e. that it is a Demonstration. I aint saying you should jump her Mother or Sister, but yeah, it tends to help prove that point real well. >_>

 

[Soveru]

A second chance perhaps? See if she tries to make it up to you. If it does happen again then you ditch her

 

[Continuity]

A kiss isn't the end of the world but it is a flashing red light. Tread carefully but stick with her for now.

IMO.

 

[Thyunda]

Honestly? Adopt the "Eye for an Eye"-Policy i use. It works really well. Just lay down the singular groundrule that anything she does with somebody else, you are allowed to just as well for the exact same time. If she fucked 2 Guys for example, you get 2 Girls to fuck without her being able to say ANYTHING to you about it, after all, she started it. It also works the other way around, if you are unfaithful to her, she gets a free ticket for one fuck just the same.

Used that for Years, set the rules straight from the start and never had the Issue with them cheating on me or me cheating on them. Im not a jealous Person so i take it more practical, if she does it, then i should be allowed to as well. Usually that knowledge will keep them from ever doing it in the first place, or if so, be as discreet as possible that no one would ever find out.

If you need to prove your Point to her, Kiss a friend, female one if possible, her Mother or Sister if she has one, though you should inform them of that fact first, i.e. that it is a Demonstration. I aint saying you should jump her Mother or Sister, but yeah, it tends to help prove that point real well. >_>

Does it work really well? If you have a usually-jealous partner, then this rule furthers the rift made by the initial cheating. And, even worse, it can be taken as a no-consequence rule. In the case of the OP, the girl could easily stay with him for the money and commitment he brings to her, and she can do whatever she wants because the rule says that whatever she does, he can do the same.
At that stage, you might as well have no relationship. And on the same page, what if he has terrible luck with women? Or what if he cannot bring himself to cheat? That ends up with him being thrown into a very partner-controlled environment where he can't just revoke the rule after she's been around the field a couple of times.

 

[Curlythelock]

I'd dump her, I have no tolerance for cheating, one chance with me then you're out.

 

[Fugitive Panda]

The fact that she came around and admitted it almost immediately is a sign of a trustworthy person. Someone who admits they dropped the ball, rather than try to rationalize it away. I'm normally one to advocate cutting your loses and moving on when you can honestly say you distrust your partner, but all relationships trip over themselves sooner or later, and this little incident is relatively minor. I mean, a stray kiss? When a friend or co-worker makes a sudden advance like that, it's very easy to be overwhelmed and just accept it. It's not necessarily indicative of a cheating heart.

Now, if she had gone any further than a kiss - even just a simple grope of the ass - drop her immediately, as she clearly isn't sexually mature enough to be truly faithful. Which makes sense, considering you're still in your goddamn teens.

 

[Flare Phoenix]

The fact that she came around and admitted it almost immediately is a sign of a trustworthy person. Someone who admits they dropped the ball, rather than try to rationalize it away. I'm normally one to advocate cutting your loses and moving on when you can honestly say you distrust your partner, but all relationships trip over themselves sooner or later, and this little incident is relatively minor. I mean, a stray kiss? When a friend or co-worker makes a sudden advance like that, it's very easy to be overwhelmed and just accept it. It's not necessarily indicative of a cheating heart.

Now, if she had gone any further than a kiss - even just a simple grope of the ass - drop her immediately, as she clearly isn't sexually mature enough to be truly faithful. Which makes sense, considering you're still in your goddamn teens.

I agree with you, but she has mentioned to the original poster that she wanted her co-worker to kiss her, and that, if not for the original poster, she would be with her co-worker. I think both of those facts changes things a little. It honestly sounds like a one-sided relationship to me.

 

[Uncle Twat]

God I love forums.

Break up, chat her mam up. Be a winner.

 

[A-D.]

Does it work really well? If you have a usually-jealous partner, then this rule furthers the rift made by the initial cheating. And, even worse, it can be taken as a no-consequence rule. In the case of the OP, the girl could easily stay with him for the money and commitment he brings to her, and she can do whatever she wants because the rule says that whatever she does, he can do the same.
At that stage, you might as well have no relationship. And on the same page, what if he has terrible luck with women? Or what if he cannot bring himself to cheat? That ends up with him being thrown into a very partner-controlled environment where he can't just revoke the rule after she's been around the field a couple of times.

Well obviously it doesnt work for everyone to begin with. And its really specific on when the Rule is set first. Usually you do have Relationships where your Partner will at least somewhat be against the Idea of you cheating on them, hence its a prevention since they can stop you from doing it by not doing it themselves. Of course it might also work different to its intent, though i suppose that too could lead to advantages for yourself, 3somes and the like.

Really it depends on the Partner and whether you are willing to do it yourself, but for my part, i have followed that Rule and usually never had Problems. Granted im not jealous to begin with but for me it works as it at least somewhat prevents the Issue from occuring, or at the very least, my Partner being very very careful if they ever did it so i dont find out and i generally am very observant and tend to find out sooner rather than later.

Though what anyone should ask themselves is really if the cheating is really that bad in itself, or if its the lying and secrecy with it. I hate being lied to, so if my Partner would cheat on me, i'd expect them to be honest about it and tell me, if they however would try to keep it secret or lie blatantly to my face, then no, i wouldnt give them another chance.

 

[ensouls]

I did nothing wrong. I've blown about $2000 on her the last 3 months, I drive her every where. She spent the last week at my place, went home for work and let the guy that gave her a lift home after work a kiss because she wanted it.

Also, if it wasn't for me she would date him but she wants me...

Honestly, this sounds like the problem. Or part of it.

A real relationship is not "I give you X, therefore, you will do X for me." From either side. It's not good that you've spent that much money on her in such a short time anyway - it's just not wise, financially, and if she's responsible with money she'd understand that too.

Good relationships aren't about just the romantic stuff either. Spooning is not an agreement not to kiss other guys (and tbh the fact that you felt you should add "and I never hit her" really creeps me out). You have to be great friends first, before that stuff means anything. Otherwise you're just seeing what you can get out of each other for your own ends - money, romance, sex.

Don't get me wrong, you're not at fault because she chose to kiss another guy. But you shouldn't be surprised either. I can't suggest staying with this girl.. and you may want to rethink how you look at dating relationships.