My Subconsciousness is the Third Wheel

[CrimsonBlaze]

Alright a little background: for a few years now, I haven't been able to dream regularly, like many people do. Sometimes I fall asleep and wake up the next morning and other times I have strange, cryptic dreams that my subconsciousness just throws at me. As a result, I sometimes tend to daydream (nothing that would distract me from accomplishing anything, just on my spare time), which is the inspiration to many of my fictional works.

Anyway, for some time, I was wondering why I haven't been "looking" for someone to engage in a serious relationship with. Sure I've been on dates, I've meet and interacted with people at parties and social events, and I've even had a few love interests. However, none of these encounters have ever lead to something serious.

So when I tend to look back at some of my fictional works, for editing and such, I tend to realize something strange. While daydreaming, I tend to picture/visualize a "suitable" companion that I would believe to be compatible with, going beyond the constructs of an "ideal girl." Every time it's someone different; the cute, quite, yet reliable petite girl, the rowdy, difficult, yet protective chick, the spiritual, odd, yet thought-provoking woman, etc. etc.

I feel the reason why I can't take my soul searching seriously is that in the back of my mind (where my subconscious lies) I always have some fictional comforting image of a companion that I can go to. Now I don't "think" about these fictitious women when interacting with other women, but that on some level it affects me.

So Escapists, what do you think? Do you believe that the reason some people can't be committed to a relationship is because they have an "ideal" partner/set up already in their mind and they refuse to compromise? Are some people just too picky and just learn to settle?

For me, I want to be with someone who makes me happy and that I can picture being in a relationship with. I don't believe I'm a picky person in terms of dating (honestly, looks aren't a big factor to me), I just don't want to commit to any random person who I feel a 15 second connection with.

 

[Raven's Nest]

You probably just haven't met the right woman yet. But that said, nobody is perfect and it is just rude to expect perfection from a partner. If I were you I'd start by focusing on what attributes you like on girls you have met and just give them a chance to shine. You probably have your own flaws that someone else will overlook too...

Let go of this idea of perfection in your head, I can assure you she doesn't exist.

 

[CrimsonBlaze]

You probably just haven't met the right woman yet. But that said, nobody is perfect and it is just rude to expect perfection from a partner. If I were you I'd start by focusing on what attributes you like on girls you have met and just give them a chance to shine. You probably have your own flaws that someone else will overlook too...

Let go of this idea of perfection in your head, I can assure you she doesn't exist.

Yeah, I've got flaws, more so in the department of "Things I can't do" than "Personal Issues." I have met some girls for which I harbored strong feelings for (and they were by no means perfect), but for some reason or another, it never got that far.

In terms of the idea of perfection, I know that it doesn't exist and the "girls" that emerge from my subconsciousness seem to be a "comforting afterthought" than a benchmark for women that I'm interested in.

 

[iseko]

Im gonna say the same thing I yell at the TV when the bachelor is handing out roses.

Follow your heart!

On a serious note. Very strange. Never had that before. I usually have that when I'm in a relationship and I am getting tired of it. I'm in a good one now tho. Finally found the girl I love (gamer-chick). So keep searching

 

[Ragsnstitches]

Alright a little background: for a few years now, I haven't been able to dream regularly, like many people do. Sometimes I fall asleep and wake up the next morning and other times I have strange, cryptic dreams that my subconsciousness just throws at me. As a result, I sometimes tend to daydream (nothing that would distract me from accomplishing anything, just on my spare time), which is the inspiration to many of my fictional works.

Anyway, for some time, I was wondering why I haven't been "looking" for someone to engage in a serious relationship with. Sure I've been on dates, I've meet and interacted with people at parties and social events, and I've even had a few love interests. However, none of these encounters have ever lead to something serious.

So when I tend to look back at some of my fictional works, for editing and such, I tend to realize something strange. While daydreaming, I tend to picture/visualize a "suitable" companion that I would believe to be compatible with, going beyond the constructs of an "ideal girl." Every time it's someone different; the cute, quite, yet reliable petite girl, the rowdy, difficult, yet protective chick, the spiritual, odd, yet thought-provoking woman, etc. etc.

I feel the reason why I can't take my soul searching seriously is that in the back of my mind (where my subconscious lies) I always have some fictional comforting image of a companion that I can go to. Now I don't "think" about these fictitious women when interacting with other women, but that on some level it affects me.

So Escapists, what do you think? Do you believe that the reason some people can't be committed to a relationship is because they have an "ideal" partner/set up already in their mind and they refuse to compromise? Are some people just too picky and just learn to settle?

For me, I want to be with someone who makes me happy and that I can picture being in a relationship with. I don't believe I'm a picky person in terms of dating (honestly, looks aren't a big factor to me), I just don't want to commit to any random person who I feel a 15 second connection with.

This whole post reads like someone is talking about me in the first person. Literally everything you said is exactly how I feel. It's like the Text based equivalent of looking into a mirror and seeing my true self, unobstructed. It's kind of unnerving but also very intriguing.

Literally everything... the cryptic but sporadic dreams (and dreamless nights), the daydreaming, the interest in developing fiction (which originates from daydreaming), the projection of needs/wants into said fiction, the real world expectations of fictional characters, the difficulty in progressing in a relationship and the comfort taking from those fictional characters.

And like you I'm not reclusive, I've had partners, I'm relatively social, I don't lack for conversational skills. I also have a desire to be in a relationship but have never felt like I could bring it to that point when I've gone to a certain point.

Perhaps we share a similar mental trait... perhaps it's medically definable. I certainly don't think it's a condition, but the similarities are freakishly close. Are you adopted by any chance?

 

[CrimsonBlaze]

Alright a little background: for a few years now, I haven't been able to dream regularly, like many people do. Sometimes I fall asleep and wake up the next morning and other times I have strange, cryptic dreams that my subconsciousness just throws at me. As a result, I sometimes tend to daydream (nothing that would distract me from accomplishing anything, just on my spare time), which is the inspiration to many of my fictional works.

Anyway, for some time, I was wondering why I haven't been "looking" for someone to engage in a serious relationship with. Sure I've been on dates, I've meet and interacted with people at parties and social events, and I've even had a few love interests. However, none of these encounters have ever lead to something serious.

So when I tend to look back at some of my fictional works, for editing and such, I tend to realize something strange. While daydreaming, I tend to picture/visualize a "suitable" companion that I would believe to be compatible with, going beyond the constructs of an "ideal girl." Every time it's someone different; the cute, quite, yet reliable petite girl, the rowdy, difficult, yet protective chick, the spiritual, odd, yet thought-provoking woman, etc. etc.

I feel the reason why I can't take my soul searching seriously is that in the back of my mind (where my subconscious lies) I always have some fictional comforting image of a companion that I can go to. Now I don't "think" about these fictitious women when interacting with other women, but that on some level it affects me.

So Escapists, what do you think? Do you believe that the reason some people can't be committed to a relationship is because they have an "ideal" partner/set up already in their mind and they refuse to compromise? Are some people just too picky and just learn to settle?

For me, I want to be with someone who makes me happy and that I can picture being in a relationship with. I don't believe I'm a picky person in terms of dating (honestly, looks aren't a big factor to me), I just don't want to commit to any random person who I feel a 15 second connection with.

This whole post reads like someone is talking about me in the first person. Literally everything you said is exactly how I feel. It's like the Text based equivalent of looking into a mirror and seeing my true self, unobstructed. It's kind of unnerving but also very intriguing.

Literally everything... the cryptic but sporadic dreams (and dreamless nights), the daydreaming, the interest in developing fiction (which originates from daydreaming), the projection of needs/wants into said fiction, the real world expectations of fictional characters, the difficulty in progressing in a relationship and the comfort taking from those fictional characters.

And like you I'm not reclusive, I've had partners, I'm relatively social, I don't lack for conversational skills. I also have a desire to be in a relationship but have never felt like I could bring it to that point when I've gone to a certain point.

Perhaps we share a similar mental trait... perhaps it's medically definable. I certainly don't think it's a condition, but the similarities are freakishly close. Are you adopted by any chance?

First off, it's cool to hear from someone else who shares a lot of similar traits as I do. In terms of whether it's a mental trait or a medical condition, I have no idea. I can say that even when I was very little, my mind worked very differently from others. I was always adventurous, as early as when I was able to crawl, I always asked questions about recent things and not simply "kid things," I always looked for information to answer my questions and drew a lot of my own conclusions. Not sure if that plays a part or not.

I'm sure that if all this was explained to some shrink they might be able to provide some insight, but I have never wanted to do that because I fear that they might diagnose me as insane or something, or give me some pills to take away my unique habits.

In terms of me being adopted, I'm not. Although in a comical sense, I sometimes feel like I am. I'm very different from my family in terms of how I behave (which is like a sensible and rational human being) and how I think (which is to say, that I actually do think). But no, one of my many nicknames stems from me being the spitting image of my father and I share a lot of similar traits with my mother.

 

[Erana]

Hormones play into what people want in relationships often, or so I hear. Maybe that would help you compromise.

Also, if you keep winding up with the same personality for a female character in both your daydreams and fictional writing, well.... I hate to say it, but maybe you're just bad at writing women.

I know I suck at writing men and any attempts to do so usually wind up as one of three of my personal arcetypes or effeminate to the point of failing completely at what I'm going for.
There aren't very many men in my life IRL, which is definitely a part of it. I skipped highschool to go to a women's college, and afterwards, my friends and associates still wind up being women, and I'm kind of aromantic, so I don't look. No brothers, any male relatives are distant, my father was never around, etc.

Its not like I have a problem with men (most of my online friends are male, and I've been pretty close with them for years now) but I don't have all those little things, like mannerisms, tone of voice, etc. as firmly in my consciousness as I do with women, and it shows up in my writing. Sex shouldn't matter in a good character, but it takes some of both gender behaviors and issues to make a well-rounded world.

Perhaps you should try to hang out around more women, OP?

 

[Ragsnstitches]

First off, it's cool to hear from someone else who shares a lot of similar traits as I do. In terms of whether it's a mental trait or a medical condition, I have no idea. I can say that even when I was very little, my mind worked very differently from others. I was always adventurous, as early as when I was able to crawl, I always asked questions about recent things and not simply "kid things," I always looked for information to answer my questions and drew a lot of my own conclusions. Not sure if that plays a part or not.

I'm sure that if all this was explained to some shrink they might be able to provide some insight, but I have never wanted to do that because I fear that they might diagnose me as insane or something, or give me some pills to take away my unique habits.

In terms of me being adopted, I'm not. Although in a comical sense, I sometimes feel like I am. I'm very different from my family in terms of how I behave (which is like a sensible and rational human being) and how I think (which is to say, that I actually do think). But no, one of my many nicknames stems from me being the spitting image of my father and I share a lot of similar traits with my mother.

Curiosity? Yup, another similarity... never just accept things are as they are, I must know why and will dispute things that just make no sense (or just ignore them, I'm not on a crusade). I also take a very scientific and self-motivated approach to life... making observations based on interactions/experience, forming hypotheses, referencing with other sources and eventually coming up with a theory to which I hold as principle (indefinitely or until something comes along to disprove it). I do this with things that people take for granted and I have been doing so for a long time (though more deliberate from my early teens onwards).

Being stubbornly inquisitive and enthusiastically creative is a rare but valuable trait in modern life. Without us the world would stagnate due to complacency. It also feels good to thing that others might one day take satisfaction out of reading/watching my fiction.

Black Sheep? Only artist/creative individual in the family and that goes for both sides (father and mother) and most of their extended family.

The adoption thing is a bit of a joke. I am adopted and I was going to play on the whole evil twin thing... I have a goatee so I'm the obligatory evil one.

 

[T.D.]

It's very common.

There are many people who have similar dream patterns and their are many people who fantasise, either subconciously or conciously, about their ideal mate/partner.

Reasons for such are numerous, but personally I think it sounds like you are disillusioned with reality.
This I find often to artists and other creative thinkers.

In terms of the opposite sex, simply by the rules of probability your likely to meet someone close to your fantasy. Just don't expect perfection, that IS unlikely.

Finally, listen to your subconcious. It's always the smarter one.

 

[Esotera]

Maybe you just don't want a relationship, or a serious one. Contrary to what society & the media say, it's perfectly normal to have no desire to find someone to temporarily share your life with.

What are you looking for in a partner, and why do you want it?

 

[Ragsnstitches]

It's very common.

There are many people who have similar dream patterns and their are many people who fantasise, either subconciously or conciously, about their ideal mate/partner.

Reasons for such are numerous, but personally I think it sounds like you are disillusioned with reality.
This I find often to artists and other creative thinkers.

In terms of the opposite sex, simply by the rules of probability your likely to meet someone close to your fantasy. Just don't expect perfection, that IS unlikely.

Finally, listen to your subconcious. It's always the smarter one.

Honestly, if the OP follows any closer to me then he already is I would have to disagree with the "disillusioned" idea. Personally, when it comes to the women I find attractive or compatible I have very humble standards. I somehow managed to shrug off the influence of mass media and there skewed image of Women, sexuality and relationships. Even my fictitious characters are "refreshingly understated" and have a "believable presence" (as described by a friend who is a writer and another acquaintance who is a Film lecturer).

But even with that, I just can't commit. Sometimes I feel as though I'm railroading myself (and the other half) into a life before I really start my own, other times I feel as though some of my own issues aren't collusive with a healthy relationship (less so lately).

But if I'm really going to point a finger, it's simply due to a desire for independence. Whether it's an overbearing mother, or reserved teen years, I find the idea of jumping from dependency of my parents to independency to semi-dependency with another, just too much too soon.

Maybe you just don't want a relationship, or a serious one. Contrary to what society & the media say, it's perfectly normal to have no desire to find someone to temporarily share your life with.

What are you looking for in a partner, and why do you want it?

Pretty much this... but not quite the same. I don't want the responsibilities of a relationship right now, but I (selfishly) want the boons. Someone I can be intimate with (feelings and all) but am not devoted to or reliant upon. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way for me... I can't stand the concept of "sex buddies" or promiscuity. I like stability in my life (since my mind can be chaos at times). I also can't just go into a relationship to see how things turn out... I have ambitions and I've seen way too many people forgo their goals for love and family.

I suppose with that analyses, fear is the biggest hindrance for me.

 

[GistoftheFist]

This sounds very familiar. You've essentially created your perfect imaginary friend, and going for anyone else feels like settling for less.

 

[Vegosiux]

Do you believe that the reason some people can't be committed to a relationship is because they have an "ideal" partner/set up already in their mind and they refuse to compromise?

I'd argue that is more of a problem in a relationship than it is a problem when looking for one, actually. Yes, it can mean someone is too picky and turns down something that could have worked out, but then again, it could also not have worked out and we'll never know.

The real problems arise when a relationship is underway already, and one of the partners starts exhibiting traits that diverge from the other partner's "ideal". Say what you will, nobody ever knows everything about the other person just after a few dates. And if reality starts diverging from ideals, some people can get downright nasty.

 

[CrimsonBlaze]

Maybe you just don't want a relationship, or a serious one. Contrary to what society & the media say, it's perfectly normal to have no desire to find someone to temporarily share your life with.

What are you looking for in a partner, and why do you want it?

Well I'm looking for a woman who is easy to get along with, is there to care and support me in my endeavors, and shares some of my interests as well as having her own personal interests. I'm not really interests in looks as much as personality because any women can be beautiful in the right light and with a little effort.

I want a partner because I want to have someone to share my experiences with and to grow old with. Also, I want to marries and have a couple of kids, and I want my kids to be raised by both their parents.