No Right Answer: Living with Depression

[Rad Party God]

I've been struggling with depression for my entire life and I just realized about it 3 months ago.

I had it rough with bullying since kindergarten and it got especially worse in high school. To this day, no one can touch me without me jumping and taking away that person's hand violently, even if it was just a friendly gesture.

I mostly just felt bummed most of the time, I fantasized about commiting suicide now and then, but I never actually attempted it myself. Also, being the only man in a family of 4 women didn't help either, especially when my dad was always so distant with work, he worked at home, but I always felt like he just wasn't there.

4 months ago, we had the shittiest weather in years in this city, it rained constantly for almost 2 consecutive weeks and it stopped raining until mid-december. Last September was a rainy month, both literally and figurative, that month was the straw that broke the camel's back or so to say. I don't know how, but I simply thought "ENOUGH!", I got a temporal job at my local BestBuy (best job I've ever had. Seriously.), made some great friends there and I lost a few pounds.

Right now I'm at the process of looking for a new job and I'm beginning to experiment on doing my own Let's Play videos (thanks to a canadian friend, no less) and although I didn't know him personally, the news of JewWario hit me really hard, because I see myself in his position, what I could've done if I didn't break from this vicious cycle. I'm not saying I'm cured at all, I'm just coming to terms with it and learning to live with it.

Thank you very much for doing this vid, it means a lot for me and for many other people in this little corner of the internet.

 

[Mr.PlanetEater]

I had to rewatch this video because it is so fantastic. I'm really glad you guys made this, I can relate to it on a lot of levels. Personally I'm manic-depressive, which didn't help because when I'd be going through my good moods people would assume I'm faking my depressed moods. Coupled with anxiety it made high school less than fun for myself. Thankfully though I've been able to find ways to combat these things, namely meditation.

 

[LittleThestral]

I've been bawling my eyes out off and on about Justin. Doug's tribute video hasn't helped anything (THANKS DOUGBAMA).

I've struggled with suicidal ideation since puberty, which really struck right around the time of 9/11, my dad becoming disabled, and my mom developing a horrible skin disease. So what may have started as a slight imbalance aggravated by not-so-great family problems exploded into full-blown clinical depression. Then when I moved off to uni, it got so much worse. I couldn't take care of myself, I couldn't focus, I felt socially inept, I 'failed' my first semester (all grades C- or above, but that wasn't good enough), and I was so close to just ending it.

My thoughts are still disordered, I have other health problems that make it worse or just interact poorly with it (FMS, migraines, etc.), but I can function now, and if it weren't for my meds and a LOT of therapy, I'd probably have hung myself or ODed on meds by now. I have my degree, I'm working 55 hours a week (oi) and supporting myself, and I'm working on applyign to grad schools. I still have issues, I still have anxiety attacks, I still think about hurting myself, but it's nowhere near as bad or often as it used to be, and as long as I take my meds regularly I'm able to work past it. I'm actually able to be content now, and that alone is such a relief.

Look, guys, if you think you may have psychological issues, go seek help. Right now. Go do it. If you cut your thumb off, you'd go to the ER; if you suspected cancer, you'd go to your GP. Mental health is just as important as physical health, and needing help is NOT a sign of weakness. Sometimes, you CAN'T just 'get over it'; sometimes you can't just pray it away, or wish it away, or light candles and burn letters. I don't want anyone to go through what Justin and his family did (and are going through now) and getting it seen about now prevents so much heartache later.

 

[crypt-creature]

I have PTSD from bullying, depression and aspergers.

For PTSD, see if you can find someone who might consider EMDR for as a viable treatment course.

My fiancee has PTSD, of which EMDR was assigned for him and helped tremendously. It will not rid you of the depression, and you will still have the flashbacks, but it makes it easier to cope with them and the triggers that can cause them.

http://www.emdria.org/displaycommon.cfm?an=1&subarticlenbr=2

 

[Harmondale2]

So happy to see you guys make this episode, as someone dealing with severe depression for most of my life it means a lot to see you bring awareness to this. Talking about it with someone is the first step to recovery, being about a year since I sought help, I can honestly say I've never felt better. Thank you so much

 

[El Comandante]

Good video you two!
Well that was kind of depressing for me, making the events of last year more present in my mind when a very good friend of mine jumped out of his window. That was a real hit into my guts. Especially because I had a phase of angst behind me that had me down to the ground. I was unable to do anything at times, totaly exhausted because my mind was spinnig full speed all the time, causing my heart to rush and even to jump from time to time. It was so bad I had to tell someone and i got help and it got better. That was before he killed himself, and all came back. And again I got myself help and i became better. Not every depression is forever!!! It may never go away, but even if the world seems totaly dark for you, there is always light! I knew my friend was suffering at times, I didn´t know how bad it was, but I wish he had talked to me about it more clearly, i would have listend and I know others would have too. Be brave and TALK, someone will hear you, find that person! It´s your quest!

 

[RTR]

Thank you very much for this video, guys. I wish you the best, Chris.

 

[RaikuFA]

I have PTSD from bullying, depression and aspergers.

For PTSD, see if you can find someone who might consider EMDR for as a viable treatment course.

My fiancee has PTSD, of which EMDR was assigned for him and helped tremendously. It will not rid you of the depression, and you will still have the flashbacks, but it makes it easier to cope with them and the triggers that can cause them.

http://www.emdria.org/displaycommon.cfm?an=1&subarticlenbr=2

Thanks, I'll take a look into it.

 

[Raioken18]

I was going to play League of Legends. then I stumbled upon this video. Usually I'd have watched it while queuing for a match, but... This is a pretty serious issue. So much so that I didn't actually even queue yet.

Thanks.

 

[Crazy Zaul]

The thing they were talking about at about 12 mins is what I didn't expect anyone else to understand. The weird paradox of wanting to be cured but also thinking being the way you are is part who you are.

 

[Pessimismus]

I've been dealing with depression for most of my life now and I have good times and bad times, like most people. I'm glad they made this video though, it does help to see how others deal with it. Suicide has been on my mind a lot but I never made a serious attempt because I have people who rely on me to get certain things done. Which helps. I find that inactivity causes enormous setbacks in myself and it makes for some intensely dark periods. This has led to me being 2,5 years behind in school and having problems holding on to some friendships. There's only about three people I talk to about this though, my parents not included.

A good friend of mine has recently sought professional help for her depression, although it's fairly new to her, but this, along with this video, does make me think it might not be that bad of an idea to look for some help myself. Although I'll likely have a hard time convincing myself to actually that step. Still, I'd like to thank this community for helping as well. Reading about others dealing with it does help a little.

 

[Xman490]

"Antagonism from the inside" sounds like an accurate description of anxiety, depression's cohort. I went to a psychologist who gave me some relevant tests, and we found that I have approximately moderate anxiety. It seems to be that I suffer from depression as well, which manifests itself in a lack of energy and pessimistic contemplation. It happens a few moments per day for me and doesn't dampen my logic much, but it is somewhat worrying.

Thank you guys for bringing this widespread issue to the limelight. You guys are way better than Anita Sarkeesian (I just felt like mentioning her like you did here), who doesn't have much experience with her subject matter.

 

[AstaresPanda]

He is dead on when it comes to people reacting to either extremes. But what ive found in todays world or at least my part of the world is that they often think your just bummed out or case of the sads. More often then not is you get labeled or at least i have been labeled the "negative guy" and was made the feel bad for feeling depressed. So you try your best to hide it but you never fully can, and if you have resting ***** face like myself your always thought of as that negative nacy,buzz killington. And its got to the point that your "friend" start to distance themselves from you due to that fact. Also dead on it is very fucking condescending. Its amazing people still lie and then post what they really doing/thinking on facebook for all to see. The fuck ?

He also is right about the depression becoming apart of you, you dont want to get rid of it coz its all you have left when everyone else fucks off, its not wanting to admit that your wrong.holy shit ive never been able to put it into words but he really does echo alot of what ive been thinking.

But i treat friends like friends. You know being here when ever im needed etc. or just being able to listen to a friends problem and really give a shit and give honest input. But fuck me i must be wrong or have a diff meaning in my head.

My life is not even that bad when i think about it. I have a smoking hot girlfriend who really understands me and we share the same kinda emotional background. My job aint bad its boring as shit and im just another drone in the retail world. Im still living at home in my mid 20's but my gf is under standning of how shit and costly the real world is. And most people seem to think if your NOT at a certain stage in life and have that kinda job and that kinda house that kinda car, life style. Its like wtf ? i dont recall there being a rull book or strat guide to life. i dont know this has kinda turned into a rant but hopfully somone will read and understand my points lol

also id people do seem to think there is only 1 end to somone in depression and thats suicide. But thats the worst case. But there are those who may think about it but also would never go that far, but the soul crippling nature of it drags you down to the point where doing anything seems boring and mundane as anything. South Park episode where Stan gets older that is what i feel most people with depression have to battle with. i know i do.

 

[Something Amyss]

This is long.

I think you guys should have defined your terms first.

Depression includes "the sads." People get depressed all the time without having a serious disorder. What you're talking about is clinical depression, major depressive disorder, whatever you want to talk about. It's important to acknowledge both. Why? One of the reasons we get told to "get over it" is that people don't understand the difference between clinical depression and being bummed. If you just say "I'm depressed," they can't tell if you have "the sads" or if you're seriously suffering from a depressive disorder.

My friends and family know I suffer from depression. Some are ore in denial than others, but it's important to differentiate feeling blue from the varying levels of depression as an illness/condition.

Similarly, I suffer from migraines. If you tell people you have a headache, you're not telling them the whole story and how are they tpo know a couple Advil and a glass of water won't fix things?

The other side (hide the knives) is annoying as well, yes. That attitude predated school shootings, though, and applied in my life to anyone including people with "the sads." Suddenly, anyone who ws slightly blue or stressed was treated as a suicide watch issue.

Chris, if you think Christian faith has stopped you from trying to kill yourself, that's fine, but it sounds like people who say they have prayed cancer away. I know you say that it's not a solution for everyone, but most suicides in the states are Christian. Pointing to Christianity as a resource here likely only serves to delay help (as your mom did by saying "pray."). Hell, it's one of the reasons I used to cut myself. This is something I'd rather not talk about normally, but if the video's intent is to start discussion, well, time to be frank. It's why I avoided help, avoided treatment, avoided talking to people about depression and other issues.

On that note, I doubt faith had anything to do with you not killing yourself. People often say that faith is the only reason they don't do X or Y, but when they leave their faith they find out they still don't do X or Y. I've been an atheist for the majority of my life now, and I'm yet to kill myself. Or kill anyone else, steal, cheat, whatever. I stopped self harma long time ago. This isn't to say post hoc, ergo propter hoc, but it was a contributing (specifically, aggravating) factor.

I don't say this to attack anyone's beliefs, but there are issues here at play that should be discussed.

At the same time, I agree with the notion that it's easy to let depression sort of become who you are, or to identify it as part of your identity. I mean, honestly, I suffer from bipolar disorder, not straight up depression. It's especially hard to rectify when you're up some of the times and down some of the times. I tried to only be around people when I was up, because I was worried they wouldn't like "the real me," which is how I viewed my depressed state. Nowadays, I'm just "take me as a package or leave me alone," because I got help, and to some extent grew out of it. Not depression, not the updown swing of bipolar disorder, but the attitude that I was faking happiness. I'm still not cured, but I manage my illness and I understand that both conditions are still me. And it's STILL hard to separate that from who I am.

I was also afraid to try medication because I thought it would change who I was. Eventually, I tried it and I didn't become a different person, but this is a fear society drilled into me.

Good on Chris for seeking medication.

On a final note: I just watched the gaming community rip into Justin Carmical for ending his life. It's hard to be open in a community that says "depression is not a disease," or "I have no sympathy for X" or abny of the other numerous things that were said on this and other sites in the days following JW's death. I've avoided talking about my past here because I simply do not feel safe or welcome with people who are not only callous, but frequently destructive towards people with depressive disorders.

I don't like that Justin killed himself, but people are ignoring the depression or downplaying it and acting like he said "You know what I want to do? Torture my wife by making her beg for me not to kill myself while I ready a gun!" when that's completely asinine. The way people have acted in the wake of his suicide is, frankly, disgusting.

 

[Agayek]

There's a lot more people than I had expected dealing with depression here. It's... well, I'm not really sure. A thing, I guess?

I've never suffered from depression myself (so far as I know anyway), but I've been armchair diagnosed by a few of my friends and family as being so (despite being perfectly content with my life and, the vast majority of the time, pretty happy - apparently being actively hyper-social is the only sign that one isn't depressed), so I can empathize with a few of the interpersonal issues that kind of thing arises. A lot of it is completely alien to me though, and it's always good to see some perspectives on this kind of thing.

Thanks for sharing folks.

 

[Seydaman]

Thanks for the episode

Things like this can mean a whole lot to different people in different places. Videos like this coming up on the internet really makes me happy.

 

[Zombie Sodomy]

Thank you for this. Its strange how important an internet show episode from two complete strangers can feel like.

Personally...I wish you luck with the medicine, but be careful. Be very careful.

I was put on antidepressants by my doctor and the results were one of the most horrifying experiences of my life. I encourage everyone to let medication be your last resort. Try therapy, try exercise, try just talking about it a lot with a trusted friend. If you just cant shake it...the medication will always be there, but be careful about it.

The brain is a tender instrument. Messing with chemical mood modification is a slippery slope.

I remember in elementary school I was prescribed Klonopin and Prozac for my depression and anxiety issues. Suddenly, I'm being haunted by my stillborn daughter from the future and I tell the girl I have a crush on that she's the mother. So much for that friendship.

Anyways, thanks for the episode guys. What you said about depression becoming part of your personality really spoke to me. I've been depressed since before I can remember, I had to see a therapist when I was one, and sometimes it's hard to believe that it really is depression, and not just me. The entire way I perceive the world revolves around my depression, and I know that it's making me miserable, but it's how I've always seen the world, and I just can't find anything factually wrong with it. To be honest, the thought of seeing the world like all the non-depressed people I know horrifies me.

 

[Gamer87]

To those escapists who are approached by those with depression, here is my advice... just listen. Don't try to solve their problem. Don't try to fix it. Empathize with the person, and just make them feel loved and welcomed. I myself don't have depression, but having both a brother and a spouse with severe depression, I can tell you, just make them feel loved. You are not going to make them instantly jump for joy, it's not suddenly going to "cure" them, but just be there, listening, and letting them know they are loved. It will help them more than you will ever know.

Thanks guys for posting this video. I hope people can watch it and gleam something out of it. So many people don't understand what depression really is (as you say, sometimes people think you just have a bad case of 'the sads'). Hopefully this will educate them.

I absolutely agree. As someone who has been home doing nothing for a year now due to depression, I can attest that what has helped me the most is people just listening and letting me vent my anxieties, no matter how irrational my feelings of self-loathing and worthlessness may be. I am lucky to have a fantastic boyfriend who, like you, just listens. Just having someone who is there for you is important.

If someone is trying to fix you it can sometimes just add pressure to become happy and functional again and then you start worrying and feel bad about not getting well fast enough... My mother is like that, wanting to find something to do about it fast or just denying it and saying I'm probably just stressed out a bit right now. I get that she does not want to realise her daughter is depressed, but it's just frustrating when I'm trying to tell her about me being depressed.

I just wanted to say you're great Yozozo, for being there for your brother and your spouse. Just being there listening helps a lot.

 

[Carl The Manicorn]

This is a great episode. I love you guys. I haven't watched an episode in a while, but good job.

I have depression as well. I have just reached a high point though. You know those. You feel good for a month, maybe longer, and then it all hits you at once for a long time. You guys took time out of your busy schedules of shenanigans to deliver a video with great meaning to a lot of people.

You gave the best advice to people: TALK ABOUT IT. Do it. It'll make you feel better. If that doesn't help, start writing about it. I did, it helped.

One of the best games I played last year dealt with all the problems I was having. Go and play Actual Sunlight. It is one of the best games (it's in beta though, but the story is amazing) dealing with this issue. I recommend this to people dealing with depression. Will O'Neil touches on thoughts of suicide, dealing with your depression, and coming to terms with it. I cried while playing it. That and The Walking Dead season 1 ending are the only games to make me do so (sue me).

Sometimes, it's nice to know that there are other people like you.

Free download for Actual Sunlight:
http://www.actualsunlight.com/

Thanks again guys. Great episode.

 

[Eamar]

There's a lot more people than I had expected dealing with depression here. It's... well, I'm not really sure. A thing, I guess?

One in four people is affected by a mental illness at some point in their lives, and depression is one of the more common ones, plus it's also a feature of several other illnesses (bipolar disorders being the most obvious).

This stuff is way more common than people think, which is why videos like this are important. People need to be made aware of this.