Nonsensical Statements

[BiscuitWheels]

"No, the last thing they'll be expecting is for us to turn into ice-skating mongooses and dance the bolero."

Points are also awarded for the identification of this one.

Arnold Judas Rimmer from Red Dwarf. So there.

My favorite nonsense statement is 'Finer than frog hair'.

 

[wewontdie11]

At a friends house, my mate was absolutely mortal and responded to the question "Do you know where you are?" with the inspired statement of "Of course I do! I'm in the land where My Little Ponies are born!". Ah how I lol'd.

Edit: Also this from Rimmer of Red Dwarf

RIMMER: CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! If there is one thing I can't stand it's crazy people.
LISTER: Well we've passed the test, Rimmer. You can let us out.
RIMMER: I can't let you out.
LISTER: Why not?
RIMMER: Because the King of the Potato People won't let me. I begged him. I got down on my knees and wept. He wants to keep you here. Keep you here for ten years.
CAT: Could we see him?
RIMMER: See who?
CAT: The King.
RIMMER: Do you have a magic carpet?
LISTER: Yeah, a little three-seater.
RIMMER: So, let me get this straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your freedom, and you're telling me you are completely sane?!

 

[xitel]

The point is to make it sound like it should make sense, but be open to interpretation so that everybody can relate to them. Like the old standby:

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself" ~ FDR.

It contradicts itself, when you think about it deeply, but when you look at it on the surface, it's inspiring.

Fixed

Bugger, now I feel like an idiot again...

 

[ElephantGuts]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xenu

No comment.

I'll take that one step further.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scientology

EDIT: Really? No one has mentioned Bob Dylan's Subterranean Homesick Blues? I didn't mention it at first because I was sure someone else would have by now, but I guess not. I would post the lyrics here but it's too long, look it up.

EDIT again: Seriously, look them up if you don't know. Don't just assume they're funny and insensible because I said so. Type the damn name of the song into google or whatever your search engine of choice is and read. I really can't believe no one said that yet. It's like, that song wins this thread. Seriously. OK I'll stop now.

 

[Avatar Roku]

I sometimes talk in my sleep. One night my wife decided to record what I said, here it is verbatim; "There's pickles all over the bathroom, and I dont even like pickles with their little God things that collect ATMs"

That is one of the few things I can honestly say I laughed at. Not just found funny, I actually fell off my chair.

"I hear it's amazing when the purple, stuffed worm in flap-jaw space with the tuning fork, does a raw blink on hari-kari rock! I need scissors! 61! -Roy Campbell (MGS2)

Beat me to it.

From Ed, Edd, 'n Eddy
Ed:*shows macaroni art* "This one is 'To noodle or not to noodle' and this one is 'No more for me thanks; I am a Russian.'"

EDIT: Really? No one has mentioned Bob Dylan's Subterranean Homesick Blues? I didn't mention it at first because I was sure someone else would have by now, but I guess not. I would post the lyrics here but it's too long, look it up.

EDIT again: Seriously, look them up if you don't know. Don't just assume they're funny and insensible because I said so. Type the damn name of the song into google or whatever your search engine of choice is and read. I really can't believe no one said that yet. It's like, that song wins this thread. Seriously. OK I'll stop now.

Oh yeah, I know a few from that. "The sun isn't yellow, it's chicken."

 

[Valatix]

"Knife go's in, guts come out, thats what making sushi is all about!"

 

[Jumpman]

"Tell it to the one legged man, so he can bump it off, on down the road."

Bonus points if you can name the movie.

"Fuck! Shit! Jesus! Fuck, shit, jesus is right."

nice.

 

[Mr0llivand3r]

"If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college" ~ Lewis Black

"Hooowahhhh!!" ~ Al Pacino in Scent Of A Woman

 

[Mr0llivand3r]

"So I was walking through this pool or marshmallows in my flip-flops, right? Then the manager started running out going UUAGAGAGUUUAUAUAUAUUAUAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! and there was only 15 seconds to eject before the bowling alley closed, and Tom you were there, but you didn't look like Tom and that was freaking me out, I love cheese."

(someone trying to describe a nightmare they had to someone else)

 

[MurderousToaster]

"Everybody report ________ for cheating and tampering because I have reason to believe he once pleasured a man with a socked foot."-My Xbox Live friend's Bio.

Lmao.

 

[Anarchemitis]

Anything George Bush ever said.

Do you use the Google?

 

[Raptoricus]

Funny I was just looking at some fear and loathing quotes, found this one I think it's epic:
"Step right up and shoot the pasties off the nipples of a ten foot bull dyke! Win a cotton candy goat!"

 

[coldfrog]

These are screwed up phrases I have said in the past, completely unintentionally.

"I figured we'd kill the bird with two stones"

"We can burn that bridge when we come to it"

"Don't worry about it, it's blood under the water"

I should never try to say these kinds of things, I always screw them up.

 

[Zallest]

I can't many, the one thing i can remember saying (that i am sure everyone has once said a variation of) "Does this taste like purple to you?" when trying to figure out why my grade juice tasted weird

that or something stupid like "We need to walk up the escalator to get to X"

 

[Mullahgrrl]

The old TV show Yes, Minister was a master of these, especially Sir Humphrey. Especially when obfuscating something. Which was of course always. Well, is was a show about government, it had to have at least a few nonsensical statements.

"Unfortunately, although the answer was indeed clear, simple, and straightforward, there is some difficulty in justifying assigning to it the fourth of the epithets you applied to the statement, inasmuch as the precise correlation between the information you communicated, and the facts insofar as they can be determined and demonstrated is such as to cause epistemological problems, of sufficient magnitude as to lay upon the logical and semantic resources of the English language a heavier burden than they can reasonably be expected to bear."

"The ship of state, Bernard, is the only ship that leaks from the top."

I would disagree with you on this being nonsensical, it is the very oposit, in fact.