Physical attraction: Some things I've noticed

[giles]

Wait, let me understand. You're telling me I should find it totally acceptable to receive dick pics from a married man whose wife I know, and even more, I should find it normal for a person I've never seen till two minutes before to lean close to me and grab my chin? And you're telling me I shouldn't feel the slightest worry when a huge mountain of a unknown man, entirely drunk and not thinking straight, is awkwardly trying to hit on me?
I'm sorry, really, next time a guy I've never seen before grabs my chin and tries to kiss me, I should probably let him do it, isn't it. And I should approve of married people sending me dick pics.

Here we have a textbook example of a failure to communicate. Notice, for example, I omitted the part about that dick pic and I never asked you to feel anything. Please respond to what I actually said and we can have a conversation.

 

[Strazdas]

Whether you want to be a "man about town" so to speak, or settle down with one great girl, it'll happen if you try. Even I found someone, and I was virgin until I was 25.

I think this may be a wrong topic to ask, but what did he do to "Try"? Because i for one cant imagine anything that i enjoy doing that also has woman in it in a way that its possible to find girlfriend other than being extremely lucky to the point of finding a girfriend on this forum or something.

Most of the common suggestion like parties, clubs, ect, just dont appeal to me so i dont even know where to start when it comes to "Trying". and going around asking random strangers out is creepy as fuck.

 

[Stasisesque]

your rapist alarm is apparently triggered by people who you don't find attractive, but can perceive as intimidating in some way, be it through superior experience or physique. To ascribe willingness to commit heinous crimes to them based on that... well, it's kinda offensive. Even if your head automatically makes the jump from feeling slight discomfort during conversation to attributing villainous motives, you should at least acknowledge that as crazy and not talk about it on a public forum...?
I mean your thoughts are yours alone, but I find it interesting that it's socially acceptable to just openly admit that you think of people as potential rapists with a straight face. I guess that's postmodern feminism at work?

I can't speak for 8BitOwl as her feelings are her own, but as another woman who has felt threatened in similar situations, I'd like to try and explain how my thought processes work.

If I am alone and particularly vulnerable (empty train carriage, dark street, cornered in a pub etc.) I find myself automatically thinking about how I would defend myself if something bad were to happen. This starts even before I'm approached by anyone, male or female. This does not mean, therefore, that the man or woman who does approach me is a potential rapist nor does it mean that I am considering them as a potential rapist, what it does mean is that my guard is up already and nothing they can do short of being incredibly unthreatening (to the point where I'd be the intimidating one) will lower that guard very much. That said, however, I don't particularly care if I've hurt someone's feelings by planning for the worst. I would rather be safe, and I would rather everyone else be safe.

It does not matter whether someone is attractive or unattractive, older or younger, if they appear threatening I am going to respond to that. If I am already vulnerable (and yes this is all down to me but I am sure everyone feels vulnerable now and again) behaviour that I might otherwise shrug off becomes much more worrisome.

Men experience this too, it is not specific to women.

 

[TheVampwizimp_v1legacy]

Whether you want to be a "man about town" so to speak, or settle down with one great girl, it'll happen if you try. Even I found someone, and I was virgin until I was 25.

I think this may be a wrong topic to ask, but what did he do to "Try"? Because i for one cant imagine anything that i enjoy doing that also has woman in it in a way that its possible to find girlfriend other than being extremely lucky to the point of finding a girfriend on this forum or something.

Most of the common suggestion like parties, clubs, ect, just dont appeal to me so i dont even know where to start when it comes to "Trying". and going around asking random strangers out is creepy as fuck.

No, clubbing is a terrible suggestion. The only people you'll find there are not looking for anything meaningful, just getting drunk and banging a stranger. Which, I assume, isn't what you are talking about. Besides, clubs are no fun anyway.

I will admit, most of the girls my friend met were online. He's an odd case. He wants a long-term relationship, but he keeps having casual sex with people he doesn't even like very much. So, he has problems. But what you can learn from him is that he also met, just through friends, two really attractive girls, who he was nice to and and they happened to appreciate his sense of humor, and the only reason he isn't with either of them now is that he has a habit of sabotaging himself.

What I mean is, all you have to do is go outdoors and do the things you like to do, whatever they are. I met my girlfriend at a theater company we both volunteer at. You will meet people you have things in common with, and all you have to do is be friendly.

 

[V da Mighty Taco]

With me, I've found that physical beauty means almost nothing. It's not that I can't appreciate it; there are occasionally women that have a certain mixture of features that catches my eye. But I haven't been interested in someone based on that since High School(and then I was so socially withdrawn that I never acted on said interest).

With me, it's all about personality and interests. If we share interests, and if I enjoy talking to her, I'll find her attractive in almost all cases. I suppose it's possible that I could find someone physically unattractive enough that personality didn't matter, but it hasn't happened yet. I do tend to avoid women who are overly "girly," preferring women who are confident and geeky for the most part. Basically, I want a romantic partner to be a girlfriend, emphasis on "friend."

We are of kindred spirits, you and I. Seriously, your post is pretty much dead-on on what I like in women and why many seemingly attractive women can be incredibly unattractive in my eyes.

Captcha: "like a boss" XD

 

[V da Mighty Taco]

EDIT: Unintentional double post. Just move along, people.

 

[Julius Terrell]

I don't doubt that you possess confidence in some areas, but that doesn't say much without context. I'm confident at work, in my hobbies and socialising in certain situations that I feel comfortable in. Stick me in a nightclub or ask me to climb a wind turbine, I suddenly become less so.

So in what sense are you confident? Because...

This right here. I'm confident when I can show people what is unique and special about me(hobbies,talents ect..ect) But I'm far less confident when it comes to women. I just feel so damn powerless. I'm venting because I'm frustrated. Being able to tell someone allows me to feel better about the situation, because that is the true path dealing with one's issues.

and as usual when this subject comes up complaining = whining in most people's book.

This is an area of attractiveness that men have no control over, but most women bemoan us if we don't possess it.

I want to so badly just to say "fuck it, I don't care!", but deep down I do care. It's tough seeing the world brag and celebrate tall and big men. I mean it's an actual status symbol to be tall. I've overcome so much to get to this point, and yet I just want to be accepted for who I am on the inside as well as the outside. I don't walk around going woe is me, but I suffer on the inside. It's me against that little voice that reiterates everything I see.

I keep my head up and I continue to be me. That's all I can do.

In order to make a post that's something else than; "Confidence is the key" and such, here's another thing that might be a good idea. My mother told me about when she was recently divorced, and started going to clubs again. Being a fairly pretty woman and about 27, she realized that, despite being just as pretty as her friends -if not more- and having a good confidence, guys simply wasn't interested in her. They didn't approach her, and they didn't try to talk to her. She's a social woman, can talk to just about anyone, but that really made her feel down.

However, one day one of her friends told her that the issue was that she was sending out the wrong kind of signals, the "not interested" kind. And, while one'd think that you do that by acting cold, the reason she sent out that kind of signals was simply that her body language didn't respond to the body language of the interested guys, they could send her looks or signals, trying to get her attention, but she didn't realize it because she wasn't used to look for it, having been in the same relationship since she was 15. Similarly, she didn't send those kind signals because she didn't consider it.

My point is, you might not be used to looking for signs of interest in women because you feel like they won't be interested either way. It's not because you lack confidence in yourself, but because you haven't really considered it. I obviously wouldn't know for sure, but do you take the time to make eye-contact, smile, show interest in individual women without speaking to them? Do you look for their interest? Or do you assume it won't be there? Because I think there's a lot of people who don't do that, heck, she told me about it because I don't do that kinda thing very often.

Please don't get upset if you don't feel like this is an answer, I'm merely suggesting something that might be helpful, and I'm not assuming anything. This really isn't a confidence thing either, it's more about paying attention to a different kind of body language.

Don't worry, I like your post. It doesn't sound like some speech from a drill sargent. I smile a lot or I make approaches. Smiling and making others smile is one of my strengths. I keep my feelings bottled up and I just try to smile even if I Don't feel like it.

I really try to not look like I miserable, because too many other people always look mad or miserable. It's like when I sing I love seeing people's face light up. I'm quite the pleasant person to be around. It's just hard finding single women in a small city.

 

[V4Viewtiful]

Besides, last time I checked- the ladies work pretty hard on their looks.

For other women, not men usually.

I make that statement on who I know and what I've seen. I mean no man has ever said "wow, her makeup is applied well"
You'll forgive that ridiculous sentence but what I mean is from what I've seen, men aren't in as much competition with each other in looks when compared to men but then I'm not including social reasons.
Though, vain men really "get" me and one of my old college friends was the vainest bloke on earth. Pretty git always played with hair, never liked his ass anyway!
XD

@DarkRawen, Yeah I know that "not interested look but it was done on purpose to me.

Still hurts. ;(

 

[giles]

Well, I probably didn't understand what you said. Can you rephrase?

Certainly. I can never object to what anyone thinks - that's ridiculous.
What I was objecting to is that you say on a public forum how these people scared you of "potential rape", i.e. you openly admit that you thought they might be rapists. What you had to work with was a feeling of discomfort when they interacted with you and your conclusion was that they might want to commit a violent crime. I think there's a jump in logic. It's not wrong to be cautious (like Stasisesque). It's not wrong of you to think that way in that moment. However, I would say it's wrong to publicly recall these people as capable of "potential rape". Let me give you an example that hopefully illustrates my point.
If you're wandering late at night, you might mistake shadows, branches and bushes for shapes and forms of potential predators. This quirk of the human mind was useful in the past. It might be irritating to the trees and bushes in question, but nothing can be done about it. Now you can give in to that irrationality and explain to people that predators stalked you from the bushes late at night, or be more rational about it and say you had a strange feeling of being watched but nothing happened. I would argue that's pretty similar to what happened to you, except the trees now have feelings and wouldn't appreciate your slander if you went for the irrational option.

I was just interested because I've seen this type of logic before, albeit more extreme, calling pretty much all men potential rapists until proven otherwise. Taken to that extreme it seems obviously silly, but the root cause might be the same - venting the primal crazy that sometimes goes on in the brain.

 

[Phasmal]

Besides, last time I checked- the ladies work pretty hard on their looks.

For other women, not men usually.

I make that statement on who I know and what I've seen. I mean no man has ever said "wow, her makeup is applied well"
You'll forgive that ridiculous sentence but what I mean is from what I've seen, men aren't in as much competition with each other in looks when compared to men but then I'm not including social reasons.
Though, vain men really "get" me and one of my old college friends was the vainest bloke on earth. Pretty git always played with hair, never liked his ass anyway!
XD

I wasn't really talking about make-up. Hell, I don't even wear it.
Still, I suppose that would be included. But most of the women I know work very hard to stay the correct weight and size and do all the shaving and tweezing and other tedious crap on top of make up.
I dunno, I don't think it matters who they do it for, it's just usually socially accepted/expected that they do it.

I just don't think many people realize that women work to be considered pretty, it's not something just determined at birth (to an extent).

 

[Strazdas]

What I mean is, all you have to do is go outdoors and do the things you like to do, whatever they are. I met my girlfriend at a theater company we both volunteer at. You will meet people you have things in common with, and all you have to do is be friendly.

But i dont like outdoors. An ideal weekend for me is to sit at home playing singleplayer games. im sure you can see how this does not make it easy to contact girls.

I try to be friendly with everyone, even including people who are generally shunned, which sometimes left me to be seen as "guilty by association" just because i remained friends with a person that liked to whirl racist slurts at people. Just because i dont hate him does not make me a racist you know.

anyway, the way i always though is that it will work out eventually in that department and i just do what i like to do and hopefully meet somone else that likes doing it too. but at 24 now this seems more and more unlikely solution.

based on the common location, my best bet seems to be online games and forums like these. meeting a girl in online games that you can talk freely with is not easy due to most of them being defensive or even hiding their gender, and i dont blame them considering how much insults the average gamer whirls their way just for being female, and its not like this forum is a dating site either.

good perspectives i see....

capcha: mark it zero. see, even capcha hates me.

 

[manic_depressive13]

your rapist alarm is apparently triggered by people who you don't find attractive, but can perceive as intimidating in some way, be it through superior experience or physique. To ascribe willingness to commit heinous crimes to them based on that... well, it's kinda offensive.

Oh my god. No, what she described wasn't the mere presence of an "unattractive" person with "superior experience or physique". It was inappropriate touching, comments, and harassment being directed at her.

I like how you emphasise the unattractive part though. Like it's her fault she didn't want those people invading her personal space. How far are you willing to take that, I wonder? "It wouldn't have been rape if you weren't so shallow!"

 

[DarkRawen]

Besides, last time I checked- the ladies work pretty hard on their looks.

For other women, not men usually.

I make that statement on who I know and what I've seen. I mean no man has ever said "wow, her makeup is applied well"
You'll forgive that ridiculous sentence but what I mean is from what I've seen, men aren't in as much competition with each other in looks when compared to men but then I'm not including social reasons.
Though, vain men really "get" me and one of my old college friends was the vainest bloke on earth. Pretty git always played with hair, never liked his ass anyway!
XD

@DarkRawen, Yeah I know that "not interested look but it was done on purpose to me.

Still hurts. ;(

Well, to reply to the former: You don't hear guys comment on women's makeup, but they certainly take note of it if it's lacking.

As for the latter, to be fair, most of the time I do that kinda thing it's sorta on purpose. I'm simply not interested in people in general : p I think the best way I've been described is; "Nah, he's not shy, he'll tell you if he wants something."

Besides, I couldn't really date now if I wanted to, due to reasons. Though a pretty face is always a reason to talk to someone, I love making temporarely "friends" : p

More seriously, people have all sorts of reason to not be interested, probs wasn't your fault.

 

[kurupt87]

I would not say that woman have it easy or anything, but i do think they have it easier. This is for multitude of reasons. Firstly, the attractive body parts of female are genetically determined meanwhile males have to work for them (were talking looks here, not attitudes).

You realise the opposite is true. Well, obviously you don't, so let me elucidate.

For most men, the only thing to work on is the body and muscle tone.

Women, too, have the gym. They also have hair style, hair colour, hair length, make-up, skirt/dress/trousers, nylons, bra type, backless, bare midriff, body hair management, heel size, body jewellery etc etc.

It is becoming more common for men to do any of that stuff but, for the most part, one bloke in a shirt and jeans looks very much like another. The only thing telling them apart are the genetic factors and their build.

For the stereotypical flirt situation, guy approaches gal; all the gal's work is done beforehand (and as I've hopefully made clear, there's a shit tonne of it) whereas the man has it all to do (confident but not arrogant, funny but not a joke, kind but not weak etc etc).

Frankly, I'll take the guys' side every damn time. More pressure, but much less of everything else.