Poetry anyone?

[Alotak]

this is a poem i wrote in my spare time thinking of the girl who i don't have the balls to talk to.

I can tear you in two,
I can cause you to cry,
I set delusions upon you,
I can cause you to lie,
I can make you blind,
I can cause you to sigh,
I can mess with your mind,
I can cause you to die,
And yet you can?t fully understand
Why i constantly demand,
To be put above,
All i am,
is Love.


Pliz tell me what ya think, any advice or ideas for other poems, (if you think i'm good enough).

 

[Yassen]

very inspired. i felt that if you used other words instead of 'cause' over and over it would be a bit better. thesaurus is your friend

 

[Alotak]

Nice Poem Mobius,
Yassen Thanks but did you never stop to think that the idea was that it causes you to do these things to yourself, There is usualy a reason behind the trends in poems, see the great poets.
Also the idea that it can do these things shows the power it holds over you, sorry but i tend to work into these things to much.

 

[Yassen]

Nice Poem Mobius,
Yassen Thanks but did you never stop to think that the idea was that it causes you to do these things to yourself, There is usualy a reason behind the trends in poems, see the great poets.
Also the idea that it can do these things shows the power it holds over you, sorry but i tend to work into these things to much.

yeah i did stop and think about that but i only realised after i had posted and left. sorry, was just trying to be helpful

 

[Yassen]

Nice Poem Mobius,
Yassen Thanks but did you never stop to think that the idea was that it causes you to do these things to yourself, There is usualy a reason behind the trends in poems, see the great poets.
Also the idea that it can do these things shows the power it holds over you, sorry but i tend to work into these things to much.

yeah i did stop and think about that but i only realised after i had posted and left. sorry, was just trying to be helpful

 

[Yassen]

Nice Poem Mobius,
Yassen Thanks but did you never stop to think that the idea was that it causes you to do these things to yourself, There is usualy a reason behind the trends in poems, see the great poets.
Also the idea that it can do these things shows the power it holds over you, sorry but i tend to work into these things to much.

yeah i did stop and think about that but i only realised after i had posted and left. sorry, was just trying to be helpful

 

[Yassen]

damnit sorry, my comp hates me >.<

 

[Ultrajoe]

feeling quite rude was miss prude
who swam in the river when nude
a man in a punt
stuck an oar i her eye
and now she wears glasses

 

[Whitto]

This one isn't finished, it came to me whilst reading a book about how the mind works, I was struck by just how amazing it is to be able to walk on two legs. Not sure how to end it though, definitley feel it needs something more, any suggestions?


Bipedal Locomotion!

It seems wondrous to me
we get around
in leaps and bounds
quite effortlessly.

But I never think to thank my brain
for the ceaseless calculation
that keeps my head
above my legs
in contempt of gravitation.

 

[BlazeTheVampire]

I don't usually do poetry. I like reading it but writing it requires me to be too open about my feelings. But I had to write three poems for an Imaginative Writing course, and this one was my instructor's favorite:

?Emotional Asthma?

My condition restricts me-
I can never run far enough, long enough
In body or in mind.

It?s happening again,
That feeling of being left behind.
Too slow.
The world runs around me-
Memories resurface as the present fades.
I cannot run with them.
I can only watch.

Enemies masquerade as friends;
Friends as enemies.
Trust is a fleeting dream-
One I?m too slow to catch.

Words rip open old wounds.
I turn to face one attack,
And a dagger?s at my back.

I?m never able to run far enough away
From the enemies, the pain, the cruel words-
The network of lies and deceit
Behind a pleasant façade.

 

[Anarchemitis]

Magnificent craft.
Monster of the great skies.
Pray that she will return.
[img_inline caption="(R.I.P. LZ-127 Graf Zeppelin)"]http://images.encarta.msn.com/xrefmedia/sharemed/targets/images/pho/t045/T045991A.jpg[/img_inline]

 

[ilves7]

There are a couple I wrote in class while really bored (English major).

Monsters

Are Monsters made of wisps of fear
Or solid patches, steel and bone?
Of heartless moments trapped in ichor,
of desolate thoughts, abandoned, alone?

Do Monsters live in minds of children
or crevices of grown-up thought?
In closets made of flighty dreams
that golden coins of greed have bought?

Are Monsters spawned from ether divine,
from miraculous, but sordid, conception?
Or are they shaped by potters' hands
into vilest of Monster exceptions?

I know not those answers divined
from constant Monster introspection,
but are the Monsters we fear so much
a figment of our misconception?


and another one about the day i stubbed my toe on my bike:

In my haste the bike pedal struck me, deserved
from years of neglect. Rusted chains wrapped
around warped buzzsaws and stretched out
cables. Ocean air painting with
dull orange spackle, my big toe
pulsating with every stroke
my heart beats. My nail
hanging, barely,
A small anchor
holding back
defiantly,
desperately.
against the tides of karma.

 

[Easykill]

Haiku's, from The Necroswanson.

My name is Hester
I look like Uncle Fester
I'm a molester



And now:
Happy Platypus
Super Sexy Platypus
Awsome Platypus

I think you win. Cangratylafions.

 

[AndiGravity]

Oh why not? I suppose I can inflict some bad poetry on everyone.

 

[AndiGravity]

this is a poem i wrote in my spare time thinking of the girl who i don't have the balls to talk to.

I can tear you in two,
I can cause you to cry,
I set delusions upon you,
I can cause you to lie,
I can make you blind,
I can cause you to sigh,
I can mess with your mind,
I can cause you to die,
And yet you can?t fully understand
Why i constantly demand,
To be put above,
All i am,
is Love.


Pliz tell me what ya think, any advice or ideas for other poems, (if you think i'm good enough).

This is one of those situations where there's no way to give advice without seeming arrogant, so I'll roll with it.

"Cause you to" is a soft phrase, and doesn't fit the tone of the poem. Replace it with a more direct one. "Make you" works fine.

I would also replace "delusions upon" with "nightmares on" (it fits the cadence better), change "make you blind" to "strike you blind", and find a phrase besides "mess with your mind". The rest of the language in your poem is direct. "Mess with your mind" is another soft phrase that doesn't fit the overall tone. How about "break" instead of "mess with"?

Then, lose the adverbs. They mitigate the language of the last verse, and aren't necessary.

So, the entire thing would read:

I can tear you in two,
I can make you cry,
I can set nightmares on you,
I can make you lie,

I can strike you blind,
I can make you sigh,
I can break your mind,
I can make you die,

Yet you don't understand
Why I demand,
To be put above,
All I am is Love.

It's a good poem, by the way. That's just my nickel's worth of advice on what I would do with it.

 

[Alotak]

This is one of those situations where there's no way to give advice without seeming arrogant, so I'll roll with it.

*CHEER* finally somebody who is a cynic (Spelling?) thanks for the revised version mate can i take it to pin to the Notice board of my school, its great fun as people will demand to know who it is and i will never tell until they figure out it was Me and You!

(last time i did it the head of English asked who it was in assembly tehe)